Bargain Hunt

Another day yet another racecourse, this time in the presence of posh t1t Charlie Ross and helpmates Tubby Thomas Plant, the plump schoolboy and Plaid Kier Stamer soundalike, Nick Hall. As they are once again in the East Midlands, it's off to Derby to the Auction House of Charles Mad Dog Hanson the maverick hammerer. It is he.



Distraction today is about mining in Nottinghamshire, a delicate subject for those who can remember the miner's strike. Don't go there Charlie!!!! Not to worry though, it's all about diversity down the mines. Coal workers' pneumoconiosis (CWP) knows no boundaries.

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Lifelong friends make up the Red Team whose girl power gives us:
Suffragette brooch, 115, (80-120), Hanson's houses are often big spenders so his guide prices reflect this, so it has a chance, 90, he tried his hardest;
Glass rinsers 38, (40-60) good chance again, 60
Hazlewood George V silver casket 70, (40-70) could have his work cut out, 85, nice small profit. Shame about the brooch.
Tubby's BB is a Cast-iron fireside poker and Cannon holder, for the aspiring Arsenal fan (moaner), 1 s0dding squid!!!!, 100 pence, amazing, what a buy, (30-40) it's given a conservative eastimate, Hanson is genuinely amazed at how little he paid, 60, massive profit, a Tubby profit. Excellent work.



Chris Snr and Jnr, both look about the same age, but this is Notts not Norfolk, are today's Blue Team who incestually produce:
19th Century snuff-taking treacleware Toby jug, 28, (40-60) pretty safe profit, 62
Tree Of Life Tribal carving 55, (50-80) good chance, 60, GG time?
Georgian Silver marrow scoop, 150, definitely a bit overpriced (60-100), but if anyone can get a profit on th is then Hanson can, 75, it bombed big time. GG shot down in flames.



Nick's BB is a Georgian silver and brass candle snuffer with Brazillian rosewood handle 30, (30-50) it has issues according to Charles, so let's see, 85, big profit, he whoops, well Plaid Nick. That's e-snuff bargains for today then.



Indoor Hi-Kick finish, not bad, Nick Hall really gives it some, well it was a good day for the experts.

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About time someone attempted a scissor kick.

 

Today's Reds are like Tiger Woods, Djokovic, Eric Bristow or Maradonna at their best!

Outstanding Bargain Hunters.

 

Who's this expert with the Blues?

 

Blues are gash.

 

Great episode!

Wacky Compo grandad in his wooly hat accompanied by grinning grandson Charlie Bone on the red team and they only gold gavelled!

I thought they, especially grandpa, were a little bit too self-congratulatory about winning. They got a bit lucky too. If it hadn't been for a clearly very pis*ed off Phil, who just wanted them to buy anything so he could get out of the rain, Grandpa would have ended up buying a selection of rusty shopping trollies.

It was peculiar that Grandpa wore that silly tea cosy hat both for the actual hunt and again for the auction. Eithet he thinks he really looks the nuts in it, or there's something really embarrassing about his scalp that he has to hide.

The blue team were a little posh, round, four eyed, home counties, radio 4 mum accompanied by her absolutely massive, deformed monster of a daughter, Maddie, who was about 8 feet tall and not many fewer wide. She'd crammed herself into a pair of jeans, which looked like they'd been made put of a second hand marquee. Even so, they were at absolute bustin' point and we saw several great shots of the straining fabric as it struggled to contain the gigantian buttocks as they bounced through the Shrewsbury puddles alongside mummy, or stooping down to peer through the flap of one of the vendor's tents. Unfortunately everything they bought made losses. "Awwwwww!" said Mummy poshly.

Quite like Izzy, the new expert. Decent little win for her on her BB tea caddy too. I liked that myself. I'd have bid £30 on that. Enjoyed the altitude she got on the kick too. Very decent start from her I thought

 

Today, Blonde Bombshell Christina Trevanion is in Shrewsbury, where she is joined by experts Philip Slumdog Serrell wearing his Dustbin Collection avec scarf de tatty, and newbie Izzie Balmer, I get the impression she didn't go to her local comprehensive. Auction house is in Lichfield's, which means Auctioneer must be Skaro's own Richard Dalek Winterton, barking out bids like a demented autocrat.



In today's Distraction, it's off to the Abbey, where Christinia has her hands full with a large organ. Organ cleaning has never been so watchable. Beautiful music is made. Christina really does have a dirty laugh. She goes up even higher in my estimation.

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Student with his hat wearing pessimist grandad Red Team bet their lives on:
Ecclesiastical oak lectern 80, (60-80), 90, nice, profit;
Tin Deed Chest with labels 20, (10-15), 30, a tenner again, GG in the wings?;
Orrery-style garden sculpture mounted on a mill wheel 80, (40-60) Richard alrady thinks profit, GG?, c'mon, 90, Bingo, tenner.
Scruffy Serrells BB peeper product, is a Metal cased candle light, 30, (15-20), hmmm, 40, tenner again. The punt this time came off. I'm sure if he'd been in his own Miser's Palace back in Malvern then it would have scaped a fiver.



Mother, head stuck on a fleece which is 10 times too big, and daughter Blue Team sportingly thrust:
Hardy split cane fishing rod 45, (30-50), 35, 10 loss;
Industrial tripod lamp, 60 (25-35), ouch, 40, 20 loss, yet another;
Pair of cut-glass scent bottles, 100 (40-60), a difficult 3, overspent, 20 loss again?, 80, yes -20 again.
Izzy Lizzy's BB is a Silver-plate Tea Caddayyah, 20, (15-20), 30, a tenner profit. Well, y'know-like, well done Izzy Lizzy Dripping and you're oh so individualistic, but not really, beetroot stained hair. A modern take on a blue rinse.



I'm not sure yet about Izzy Lizzy Dripping, she's not nearly sardonic enough and too squeally. Perhaps after a few seasons she'll be much more world weary. Well done Reds, steady, unspectacular progress. No stupid impulse buys. Head ruling heart resulting in some folding money and Golden gavels.



The Finale Hi-Kick is an Indoor Covid diagonal special, which in some ways is less restrictive and also allows arms to be flung to achieve extra height in the kick. The angle is all wrong, so you can't even see if Scruffy is making an effort, whereas new Girly Izzy Lizzy is just lifting, as if she's going to drop one, rather than kicking her leg.

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It's Saturday BH with Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp in Newbury. I was expecting it to be from the racecourse, yet again, but it's not, it's from the usual random field minus the drunks, dogs, and bored teenagers. She is assisted by Charles Barking Mad Hanson, so beware the random sh1te or bust bonus buy, and Dayglo David Harper, the Middlesbrough Montalbano, the Teeside Tat Trouserer. The gavel thumping is in the Wessex Auction rooms with Mr-Whippy-head himself, regular expert, today auction barker, Tim Weeks.



Distraction is in Bristol, urban culture mentioned, so is urban vandalism going to be championed, no, a sigh of relief. Bristol descibed as UKs most musical city with highest number of musicians per head. Yeah right, having a load of buskers and wannabes in your town doesn't necessarily make you a cultural phenomenon. The main focus is on cigar box guitars which reminds me of the shoebox guitars you used to make as a kid, when kid's used to make stuff from the Ladybird book of making things, in the pre-internet Dark Ages.

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Best friends, one of whom is a business analyst, so standby for disaster, and the other sounds Kiwi-like, yis, make up the Red Team, who bum a fag (Millennials please note, this is UK slang for ask for a free cigarette and is not nasty or discriminatory before you vent your spleen on social media) with:
Newlyn copper tray 120, Hand of Hanson, prawns, stylised prawns, he likes it, (40-60), Hanson overspending there, well it's only the BBCs money after all, 42, massive loss, told you, never let Hanson loose as you will lose;
Pair of spelter money bags/boxes 15, cjeap, cheap, cheap, (20-30), profit surely, 22, it just made it, the Wilts spendthrifts are out in force;
Victorian pony harness 30, (20-30), it does look a bit pony, 10 squids, LOL, oh dear, Charles, stick to the day job.
Charles' BB is next, a dread to think what it's going to be, an alabaster white elephant, no, because the Blues have already bought it!, it's a Green Ming Dog of Poo, sorry Foo, on a roof tile at 130 LOL, no chance in this auction house, Tim loves it, but does he love it enough (80-120), this is going to be interesting, 130, evens stevens, at least it wasn't a disaster.



Self-proclaimed "wild", feral?, mother and daughter, another large daughter Clive, the Cyder Twins, Blue Team blag a bluey (Millennials, once again, this is an old skool fiver, 5 GBP, folding money, a physical object, not digital credit) to present:
Vintage Skittles game, anything pre-1970s is now classed as vintage or antique! 40, (30-50), Tim likes his toys, 55, good start;
Turn-of-the-century alabaster Ernest 75, hmmm maybe, (30-50), it's a bit garish, 24 s0ds, aieeeeeeeeee, as they used to say in my war comics, big loss;
Jewellery treasure trove aka stuff in a box 20, easy profit, (40-60), yep, 55, good profit, partially makes up for the crapola urn.



Dayglo Dave's BB is a ship's compass, nice one, 100 s0deroos, gone on go for it, they do, (40-60) Tim not confident, 85, close, shame as it does look good.



Two teams of girls so there's loadsashrieking at the final result. It's an outside non-Covid final kick, it's pretty good, good height from everyone, but the timing is a little off.

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This is the one I mentioned above:

 

Our Sunday lunchtime pre-footy treat is from another racecourse, yet again, in Wetherby. Daft twit Charlie Ross leads proceedings whilst experts Sporty Mad D1ck Madley not Madeley and gently effeminate Jonathan JP Pratt kitted out like a Tory MP. It certainly looks a day to freeze your nuts off. Gavel business is in Darlo in the North East with an Auctioneer I haven't seen before, a Bearded Gingernut who goes by the alias of David Elstob, which seems like an anagram.



The Distraction is centred around the Royal Armoury in Leeds, which is certainly where you would need to get some advice on protecting yourself from the locals, particularly at Elland Road, home of the heathens, Dirty Leeds FC. An armoured condom hasn't yet been perfected so the population of Leeds is doomed to expand exponentially.



Steampunk, which confuses the senile fool, married couple Red Team lead us up the aisle with:
Murano glass lemonade set 50, (40-60) hmm it does look stylish, I have a feeling they might be quite tight in the North-East, 70, nice profit;
Three 19th Century Papier-mache snuffboxes 75, (60-100) encouraging, 50 s0ds, a bit of a lacklustre sale;
Jockey Club of Paris Horse-racing binoculars 35, (20-30) maybe, 35, evens stevens.
JP's BB is a Rose gold and silver pocket watch, 140 pounds, gulp, now that is a gamble, Charles Hanson-style folly? (30-50), LOL, they gamble, 40, 100 pounds loss, ouch, the purest of pure folly, LOL.
The Reds turn up at the auction looking like the England official mascot bloke, Ken Baily and his World Cup Willy.



Prancing married couple Blue Team shotgun us with:
Silver with heart motif snuffbox 38, (30-50), should be OK, 45, nice little profit;
Mouchlineware barrel money box 28, (30-50) might be some local interest, once again should be fine, 25, oh dear small loss;
Dog's head brass Vesta case 75, (40-60), animals always popular so it could be OK, 40, whoops.
Mad Madley's BB is a smart Hardwood and bone walking cane with a gold collar, something to thrash the plebs with, 50 notes, not bad D1ckie, (30-50), 60, 10 squid profit, well done Madders.



I was a bit harsh on the Auction House. Not as profligate as Hanson's but not as tight as Serell's Malvern Meanpot or Cardiff or the McMiser's layer north of the border. The programme ends with a bit of a pokey Hi-Kick. Never mind.

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@reg_varney looking at the thread’s title I wasn’t sure if it was on Our free transfers and the lifetime contracts handed out, or the BBC programme of equally aged artefacts, I’m quite amazed the effort you put into giving a running commentary for posterity of Bargain Hunt a programme I do admit to watching as much as I don’t, I find it interesting to have a stab at valuations, and the art of negotiating (or not) to try and make a profit.

Keep up the outstanding work!

 

Another week, another tranche of BH. This time Uncle Eric brings us to Ardingly in Sussex, lurking like predators around a playground are Raj Dr Evil Bisram and Keir Starmer impersonator Nick 'I will Plaid you to Death' Hall. Twirling the wood today in Newbury is Tubby Thomas Forrester or is it Plant, or is that his evil Doppelganger, or should I say Doppelgaveller.



The distraction involves arsing around with a mystery object which turns out to be a cork squeezer. Some people will do anything to wring out the last few drops of wine.

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An outdoorsy type couple, by the look of it, make up the Red Team, one has radical multi-coloured hair and the other has the charisma of a trainspotter, I think they might be quite annoying. They randomly throw onto the table:
Copper chafing (warming) dish 35, (50-80), 40, nice little profit, good start;
WWII Warden's helmet 30, (40-60), 15, not much activity in the room;
Rare silver novelty pincusions 120, (100-150), 90, always going to be risky.
Raj's BB is a plainish Edwardian wooden plinth 30, (40-60), 15, oh dear, tight room again. Unlucky.



Another same sex couple who appear to be connected by Trains make up Team Blue, the larger one of the two is quite camp, so no stereotypes paraded here then, oh no certainly not, they acquire for us:
Extremely phallic brass goffering iron 48, (50-70), 60, very nice profit, online bidding helped it along;
Art deco chrome table lamp 85, (40-60), 40, ooff, bit of a loss;



1950s novelty yellow bird mantle clock, it's very, very, gaudy 20, (40-60), 10, yep definitely tight, but the item was a bit sh1te.
Plaid's BB is a Pair of topless 19th century enamelled vases 40, (40-60), 20, dear oh dear, a bit surprised by that, wallets firmly closed here, the only things coming out will be moths and perished condoms.



Real tightwads in Newbury. Final Hi-Kick with Uncle Eric is an outside Covid diagonal on the grass special and is up to snuff.

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It's a particularly sunny day in Oswestry, as Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp takes control of proceedings helped by handmaidens Dayglo David Harper, the Middlesbrough Montalbano, the Teeside Tat Trouserer, whose pantaloons glow more brightly in the sunshine than the flash at Hiroshima, and also with Charles Mad Badger Hanson. Lets hope he isn't given too much money to fritter away on one of his mad follies.



Auctioneer is BH Sex Siren Christina Trevanion who really does give the gavel a hefty thwack. In fact, you could honestly say she really does like to bang the wood big time in her Shropshire Auction House. Yet again, she sends her just out-of-school milk monitor to do the valuing, the uber posh, Ashley Jones, who as Larry Grayson would say, seems like a nice boy. I think we will have another briskly efficient auction with Christina.

Speaking of Hiroshima, the Distraction is about the stuff that Occupied Japan made for the US market after the second world war. Shame, they couldn't get them to manufacture an apology for the appalling treatment of POWs and occupied civillians during the conflict until into the 21st Century. Let's hope the teams don't get too excited and turn Japanese over the priceless airlooms on show.

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If the Italian related teams could find some Nazi memorabilia amongst the tat then we really could have an Axis special edition programme. In fact, one of the Italians is called General Franco. It's Fascist Fun all the way.

Welcome back to the Russo brothers. One half of the Russo family, brother Jimmy and sister Aidyna, make up the Red Team, bring us an offer we can't refuse with:
Art Nouveau Trench art 31, (30-50), yup should be a profit 50, it is;
Silver charm bracelet 95, (40-60), hmmm, 75, another brisk sale bang, a loss, was a bit overpriced, nver mind;
Steampunk crap built Cathcart dustcart 170, Christ-on-a-bike, it's awful (40-60), 55, utter predictable disaster, Mama Mia!!!!



Dayglo, who has a massive 4 GBP budget for his BB item, blows it all on a Chinese style green glass lion/dog with a dodgy leg, a small profit surely (5-10), 5, a profit.



The other half of the Russo family, Vince and matriarch Markcashtonia, form the Blue Team, who make us sleep with the fishes with:
20th Century Sorrento-ware box 15, (20-40), 20, Bang, good start;
Sampson Mordan Silver Scent bottle 200, gulp, that's all in, (100-200), 160, Curse of Hanson;
Tiffany&Co novel Chinese Pillbox, complete with machine guns, and a samll platoon of Red Army soldiers, 70, (80-120), 130, Bang, Bingo profit.



Hanson's BB Victorian silver-plate desk seal 15, should be a profit surely, (30-50), 20, small profit. At least they couldn't give him a load of money to spunk-up-the-wall on some wild punt. Charles, you are so much better when you spend conservatively.

It's an Indoor regular Hi-Kick setting and the final goosestep goes without a hitch. Basil Fawlty would've been proud.

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Absolutely pathetic that from the blue lady.

She ought to be ashamed. How is that supposed to encourage us back for some more Bargain Hunt?

 

Today posh fool Charlie Ross is prancing around the Royal Cornwall Showground in Wadebridge where the speciality is to combine a clotted cream tea with a cornish pasty to give us a glorious world beating Cornish cream pie. Stirring the custard with him are Tubby Thomas Forrester nee Plant and Tim Stick Insect Cornetto Weeks. The Auction House is in the Pilmgrim City of Plymouth, famous for sending cheese to the native American Indians and the gavel wielder is Anthony The Undead Eldred.



The Distraction involves the Cornish speaking Cornwellian much to the bemusement of the dotty old loon. Charlie gets a Cornish lesson which is like a French lesson but with a burly tin miner in the boudoir instead.

A boring carboot sale stalking married couple form the Red Team, today they pull from the earth:
2 Edwardian children's chairs 105, Charlie confesses to admiring a child's chair, at least he didn't say seat, (50-80), over priced, 55, bit of a loss;
Victorian silver salt pots 50, (40-60), 90, a sizebale profit to balance it out;
Treen olivewood ink well 20, (10-20), should be a profit, 25, it is a small profit.



Tubby's BB is a Victorian pressed copper turkey tray 30, (10-15) likes it but doesn't like it that much, TubbyProfit? 25, no, TubbyLoss, TubbyFailure.

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Friends who work in props make up the Blue Team, they theatrically festoon us with:
Insect brass fly vesta not swan vesta, cases, 20, (10-20), pessimistic with these, 22, squeaks a profit;
2 sets of dilapidated airline seats 35, (40-60), should be a profit, 38, another profit squeezed;
Glitzy vintage dresses 80, (30-50), will they be DQed, yes, ALERT!!! ALERT!!! Moog, Charlie has DQed something for not being authentically vintage, 28 (but -80 because of the DQ).



Tim's BB is a whopping pear plastic ice bucket 25, (10-20), might struggle, it goes for a tenner. A Weeksy Whoopsy!!!



For the dresses, in respect of the DQ, Charlie regrets to the girls that he couldn't give it to them. Eyebrows rise.

Indoor regular Hi-Kick finale. Could be promising. Fairly standard but OK. Yes, YES!!!!

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Like Mr Red's style. He's giving it everything there.

 

What’s a Cornwellian?

 

Footsoldier of the Western division of the New Model Army. Isn't it obvious?

 

Today it's Lewes with Sex Bomb Christina Trevanion regressing the attractive appeal towards the mean are dull posh Catherine Southon and Sarky Marky Sleazy Stacey, slurring and sleepwalking through the show. Auction is in the Pompey One-Song, One-Song Pompey Saleroom with Burton's shop window dummy John Cameron wielding the wood. He's a former joiner/carpenter so loves his wood. Perhaps they could do us all a favour and sell that idiot fan's bloody bell.



The Distraction today is footy programmes, which reminds everyone to disappear to the loft to dust off the binders and see if there's anything they can retire on. Probably not. Temperature's rise when Christina get's really excited over a postponed 70's Forest v Pompey programme. This results in her disrobing ......... in our minds.

On the other hand, this footy programme is pure 24 carat Gold. What a match that was! One of my all-time favourites.

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Spanish Huthband and jug-eared wife, make up the Red Team who, in this moment, bring to us:
Frosted glass sparrow 50, (40-60), 80 nice;
Art Deco enamelled cufflinks 35, (40-60), 60, bingo, GG incoming?;
Weird and wonderful hand sculpture 99, he has wood, (80-120), 25, ooof ouch, big loss, probably a bit too weird.



Sarky's BB is a faded signed, "To Scott with Love, if you cross me then I'll break your legs", Gino Pozzo photograph ,which unfortunately disintegrates in his very hands, so he has to settle for his backup of two Spode Sailor figurines, ideal for target practice, 18, (20-30), should be OK in nautical Pompey, 15, tightarses in the room.



Two friends, including a blue-haired bruiser, make up the Blue Team who steamroller us with:
French enamelled double-sided advertising sign 59, (50-70), 45, hmmm, small loss;
Early 20th century weather **** vane 85, (50-75), 35, another loss;
Farnborough airshow programmes 11, (40-60), profit all day long, 20, small profit, that's OK.
Dully's BB is a 1940s silver (no surprise) cigarette case 50, (80-120), should be a profit, but who knows, 70, well done, good profit.



Commissioned bids always indicate that internet buyers are very interested but it doesn't indicate the audience tightness. If there are no commissioned bids, you get to see the depth of the audience pockets. Are they profligate spendthrifts or are they skinflinting tightwads.

Today, Red's first 2 items, which brought in nice profits, both had commisioned bids, but the others didn't, and all lost money because it was a tightarsed auction audience replete with Pompey Steptoes in attendance.

Indoor special Hi-Kick finale. Not great. Really pathetic on the Blue side of the chorus line. Booooooooo.

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West Country was largely Royalist, of course.

 

Come on reg. Do Friday's! We need cheering up!

 

Today (yesterday Fri), we're off to the mean streets of Harrogate. Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp is in her element walking around a Police station in crime-infested Ripon to lock up any BH miscreants. Pay attention to your challenge or suffer the consequences. A call for assistance is fulfilled by the delightful purple-booted Roo Irvine and countryphile, sports mad D1ckko Madley not Madeley. The Auction is in the ye old city of Yorke, presided over by Psychedelic Caroline Hawley. God she's an awful auctioneer, she bellows twenty pooouunnnds, like a demented Victor Meldrew. She really doesn't know or understand how to work a room. Appalling.



The Distraction is all about Human Bondage and what Plod gets up to. Handcuffs, truncheons, tying people up, all forms of punishment and humiliation await any contestant who fall fouls of BH law. Robert Peel, if you're reading this, you're name was mentioned alot, can't think why.

Beware, quirky seems to be the buzzword of the day. Quirky doesn't usually mean profit. Tactile is also used, as the contestants parrot out the cliches. Upcycled, that's another one. I like a vice, says Team Blue. I have many of those laughs Roo. Eyebrows rise.

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For some reason the Blue Team goes before the Red Team at the Auction. Surely, that's against the rules, Natashaaaaa!!!!

Grumpy friends form the Blue Team, they push down the stairs claiming it fell over with:
Enamelled medical ephemera wall hangings 20, (20-40), 55, good profit;
Unusual Andre Dubreuil (who?) ceramic bespoke vase 75, (20-40) oh dear, plethora of bids, 25, what a dud;
Solid oak workbench and vice 95, (80-120) amazing central item for a kitchen Caroline opines, 65 internet bid, unlucky.



Roo's BB is a tea light metal cat candle holder for a tenner, (20-40), 10, evens stevens, but Caroline is so dreadful she couldn't sell cigars to Jimmy Saville or even Ron Atkinson.



Middle-aged bickering brothers make up the Red Team, they blow the whistle on:
19th Century Indian silver-plate pencil/pen box 10, (10-20), 30, tidy profit;
Mahogany tea caddy 150, (60-80) ooofff, going to be a gamble, 170 internet bid, well done, GG time?;
Saw sign 15, (20-40), 60 s0ds, GOLDEN GAVEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maddo Madley BB is another box, novelty bickering I mean biscuit tin 24, (20-40), should be a profit, surely Caroline can't balls this up, 35, another profit. Well done Guys.



Final Hi-Kick is fraught with technical difficulties. It's an outside Covid diagonal, in the wind, bad camera angle hindered by a mobility scooter. However, the final result is not too bad. Yes.

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I have to say, I thought the tea caddy was gonna take them under, but fair play. Can't argue with a GG! World class BH from the reds.

 

Caroline Hawley is farking aaawwwwful though. They should give them a Golden Gavel studded with diamonds for making a profit on all 3 with her in charge.

 

Tbh, there are probably only 3 or 4 auctioneers who give you a fair chance of an overall profit. Most of them are absolute *********s. Bargain hunting skinflints spending 100 quid to restock their whole junk shop.

 

Today we're back in the National Botanic Garden of Wales in Carmarthenshire, with posh plant brained Charl-eh Moss. Keir Starmer impersonator Nick Plaid All Over Hall and Gary Peeeee, his BBs are usually a disaster waiting to happen.



The Distraction is more mind-bending drugs for Charlie to try, as if he already needs them. After his scooter confessions in Brighton, is he now going to own up that he has a personalised opium den in his garden shed. It would explain alot.



Best of friends Wayne's World OAP clones Red Team party on with:
Large Victorian copper pan 45, (30-40), this valuing seems vaguely familiar, 35, a loss;
1950s Cinque Port vase 10, (10-15) blissful ignorance is shown, there is overseas interest, so probably a profit, 20, a profit, but no activity in the room, piss-poor;
Straw-work and wood candelabra, highly flammable, 16, (10-15), 10 sods to a Welsh Steptoe.
Finally, L*t*n's Dog Kennel Stadium is valued (10-15 GBP) seems a bit too steep to me.
Plaid's BB is Victorian Avery brass pillar scales on a Mahogany base 50, (30-40) Baldy likes it, 25 online. Tightest of tightarses.



Sisters make up Team Blue whose precious things are:
Gold decorated mother-of-pearl shell 70, turns out Ben Baldy had sold it a month earlier, so the tat has gone full circle at least once, (50-60), 30 online, the Misers pass on it;
Carmarthenshire lustre vase 35, no factory mark (30-40) but he likes it, turns out it's from a local potter Jinathon Cox, local interest here?, slight interest, 30, another loss;
Lister planter 45, (30-40), might be alright but maybe not in Cardiff, 50, ye Gods, it made a profit.



Hold on let's see what laughable object Gary has hauled out the skip, it's a Georgian silver buckle (singular) in a case, not bad, a quality item for once, I'm shocked, one of the Blues asks if the stones are diamonds LOL, 45 notes, hmmm, (35-45), let's see if someone on the internet likes it, yup, 20 on the internet. Pointless having Auction's here, it's always an overall loss for both teams.

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Baldy Ben smiles quite a lot this time. Perhaps he's on a promise. Outside for the Hi-Kick. Good effort all round. YES!

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What about those reds today! Such a shame they didn't haggle an extra pound off their first item to get the GG. £340 profit is a moral GG though. World class Bargain Hunting, made slightly insufferable by the old Scottish Baba Yaga.

 

It's a Sunday shortie, so everything crammed into 30 mins, so no distraction just hardcore buying and bidding. It's from an earlier season, so no big spend, big risk item. So you can play it safe with 3 small conservative buys. In this episode, McWitch is in Hungerford, famous for that massacre, which they tried to pin on people watching violent videos and nothing to do with a loner nutter obsessed with guns. Today she's stirring the cauldron with seedy warlock Philip Skidrow Serrell and Hound of Hell, former sports star D1ckko Madley not Madeley. In an excruciating pre-credits segment, McWitch is in the 80s and pretends to Breakdance, whereas if she actually tried to do it she would break every bone in her Glasgow-ravaged body. Really cringeworthy.



Auctioneer of the day is Mark Ashley, someone who looks like they might loiter in a park near the swings wearing a raincoat. You get the picture. The Auction house is in the Bard's manor in Stratford-upon-Avon. I wonder if they are big spenders in that neck of the woods. Come to think of it, shame it wasn't Mike Ashley with the gavel then we could have a real laugh.

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It's Sibling Sunday, with 2 sets of sisters. Sisters of Mercy Blue Team throw caution to the wind with:
Herb hatchet 10,(10-20), small profit probs, 20, nice;
Silver with marble/jasper pendant necklace 60, (20-30), overpaid, 40, loss as predicted;
Technical drawing kit in a rosewood box 32, (30-50), should be quids in, 30, just short.
Maddo's BB is a Windsor and Newton Paint-splattered artist's easel, ideal for an overpriced craft beer pub 12, (20-30), should be OK, 20, nice profit.



The tag team of twins making up the Red Team scrounge the following:
Job lot of pots 50, (50-80), promising, 50, evens stevens;
Copper coaching horns 30, (80-120), very promising, 140!!, wow, profit central;
Silver ink stand 40, (70-90), extremely promising, 45, small but disappointing profit.
Scruffy Serrell's BB is a set of wooden stools, which makes a change from the sh1te-type stools he usually serves up, 55, (100-150), 280!!!!!, no wonder Scuffy looks gammon-faced with bemusement.



340 nicker profit. Don't think I've seen so much lolly won on BH before. Very impressive. Well done Scruffy. Shame your own auctions plumb the depths rather than scale the heights.



Before the Hi-Kick a thick, thick wad of notes are handed over. Does this mean an outside final Hi-Kick with Gusto ....... No. Haphazard and half-arsed with only one of the Red sisters making an effort.

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Today, posh nincompoop Charleh Dross is once again in Notts, in sunny Southwell to be precise with helpmates Sarky Marky Stacey, the sleazy, slurry somnambulist and Steph Connell, who I vaguely remember being on BH before. According to some gibberish about her on a Nigerian wiki page, quote "For her studies, she went to Cockermouth Cumbria in England Lake." LOL. The veracity of the information can be put into context where one of the most popular posts on these Nigerian pages is "How to get rid of a scab on your face". Good to see she went to a comprehensive state school, more power to the 93% club. The auction is with crumpled James Lewis, somewhere in Derbys, who looks like he's been dragged straight out of an OAP daycare centre.



The Distraction is do with soap so Pottymouth Charlie will have to wash his mouth out with it afterwards. The soaps being made and on display remind me of the Lush chemical weapon emporiums on the High Street, which when on entering your face and eyes burn from the mustard gas-style fragrances from the exposed wares.



Two lots of giggling girls, let the, you know, like, screeching commence. To be fair they're not too annoying which is a plus.

Gen Z female friends Red Team cough and splutter up:
Scandi mid-20th Century art class vase 35, (20-30), New Zealand bidding 35, evens stevens;
Garden bench with red squirrels 75, (20-30), a bit tight, 80, a profit, well done;
Vintage car frontaged cocktail bar 90, (30-50), bit too quirky, not good for potential profit, 45, far too specialised. To be fair it does look a bit nasty.
Sarky's BB is a bust of Edward VII 65, (30-50) hopeful internet bids, let's see, 60, it's a bust that bust, a fiver down the drain.

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Gen Z blonde female cousins Blue Team breezily saunter along to:
Pine blanket chest 50, (30-50), maybe, 45, unlucky small loss;
Wrangled bronze bull cocktail stick holder 55, (10-15) oh dear overspent, 20, largish loss;
Utoxeter vintage book press 109, (40-60), probably overspent, but one hundred and eighty!!!!!!!, somebody loved it and wanted it.
Steph's BB is a set of decorative bespoke upcycled scales 25, (20-30), there's a chance with it, Cyprus bids, 25, evens stevens, worth a punt. Unlucky.



To be fair the crumpled Auctioneer wasn't too bad, the 2 sets of girls got into the spirit of things in the right way. So a fun episode.

Final Hi-Kick is an outside Covid diagonal special. Good, good says Charlie. Ground does look a bit uneven so Steph can be forgiven as her shoes don't look the most stable for gymnastics. So not quite Yes.

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We're in Pikey Peterborough with Uncle Eric. Best nail everything down at the antiques fair or it'll disappear in the back of someone's van. Alongside Uncle Eric will be today's enforcement officers, Stephanie Connell (wasn't she on yesterday?), the Cockermouth classicist, and Philip Vagabond Serrell, the Landfill Lounge Lizard, to move on the miscreants. Auctioneer is shifty-eyed playground-lurker Mark Ashley in Stratford-upon-Avon's secure unit.



The Distraction to proceedings is with BH regular Colin Rapidfire Young (short-haired version), who doesn't have to use his timeless catchphrase "25 to 40", giving us Porcelin Top Tips, particularly how to piss over the central pipe in the urinal and how to budge those stubborn skidmarks

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Blue Team are formed up with bed-sharing cousins, well we are in the East. One of them has a really annoying rattling laugh which is much in evident. Somebody please blow her brains out. Eventually they decide on:
Tatty leather suitcase 50, (20-40), 25, got what it deserved;
Busby babes poster 30, (30-50), 20, I expect some Liverpool fan is turning it into bog paper as we speak;
Cast-iron Keswick Road street sign 75, (30-50), 45, another loss, very underwhelming items from the giggling numpties.

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Scruffy's BB is 19 Jugs for 100 sods, (120-180) quantity over quality, nobody wants them, builder's hardcore, 35. LOL, oh dear.



The Reds are made up of gormless street-talking Leeds University medical students (God help us), where do they find them, good job Auntie Steph is there to keep them on the straight and narrow. At least they will know how to run fast as the locals up there are known for their tolerance. Steph guides them to:
Late 19th Century floral vase 30, (30-50), 20, tightwads here;
Norwegian silver and enamel decorated Heroin spoon 20, (30-50), 45, nice profit, it was a nice spoon;
Bugatti "Yeah, like the car" bronze sculpture 85, (80-120), big commisioned bids, 450 squids, Christ on a bike, that's huge, settled on by an earlier game of rock, paper, scissors.



Steph's BB Pair Leach Pottery bowls 65, (80-120), they deserve to do well, 60, that's harsh.

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Big wad of notes for the gormless duo. They got very, very lucky. Helps when you have a good expert which Steph seems to be. No doubt they will spunk it on a new phone or some useless bit of technology which will be obsolete in 6 months.

Final kick is an indoor special. Pretty lacklustre which is a shame. Serrell can barely get his foot off the ground, the fat, lazy s0d.

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Special Bargain Hunt for BBC Music Day. The Darkness vs Feeder. Should be cringeworthy. There again it might be so bad that it's good.

 

Nope. So bad it's just bad. Like the Darkness.

 

For The Love Of God, as an anguished Victor Meldrew would say on viewing today's episode, as it's a sort of celebrity special edition for BBC Music Day. Sigh. Look at me I'm famous. Who ARE you? Who? Nah, never heard of you. Run along. I'm already cringing as I type this. It starts with the BBC Concert Orchestra playing the BH theme tune, yes how very trite. Rock royalty is mentioned. Feeder and The Darkness. LOL. Hardly royalty, just about scraping Baronet status. Anyway, Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp band manages the no-marks at an auction fair in Stamford Meadows Arena with sub-roadies, Kate Trilly Bliss and Philip Muttley Serrell providing the drugs and groupies (gropies in Scruffy's case). Auctioneer is Colin "25 to 40" Young who unfortunately hasn't got his Rick Wakeman look today.



Distraction is at BBC Maida Vale studios. Good opportunity for BBC self-congratulatory black-slapping. John Peel is talked about, RIP. Maida Vale is Prime Real Estate so it's going to be flogged off.



Red Team is The Darkness who bluff their way to:
1960s Danish wooden (teak and plywood) magazine rack 10, (25-40) catchprase tick, 35, profit all day long, good buy;
Coffin-shaped Bath 75, (75-100), 80, snaeaked a fiver profit;
Pair of Japanese-style Tables 110, (80-120), 40, ooooff, bib, big loss;
Scruffy Serrell's Bin Bag BB is a Carousel Ride offcut tat 50, (75-100), 70, amazingly it made a profit.



Blue Team is Feeder who feed us with:
Angle-poise desk lamp 80, industrial art, (75-100), 45, loss;
Retro rocking chair 38, (50-80), 32, another loss, oh dear;
RAF folding chair 150, (80-120), probably overpriced, big loss incoming, 80, heart ruling head.



Trilly's (dressed like The Prisoner) BB, for once is not silver, it's a 1950s Bakelite telephone with a modern plug so it is usable, 25, (40-60), should be a profit, 48, it is, well done Number 6.

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It's a "celebrity" indoor Final-Kick finale, it's not bad but tiresomely somebody intentionally loses their shoe. Oooo, how rebellious. Foot fetishists shoot their load in response. As always, fatty Serrell barely gets his foot off the floor.

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Here comes McWitch, she ditches the black hat for a getup that makes her look like Sylvester McCoy's demented sister. This time she's hopped on her "No Surrender" broomstick and flown to Ballinderry via Belfast for some Bowler Hatted, Orange Sashed, Sectarian Fun. Banging the drum for her will be two paramilitaries in balaclarvas, these negotiators are Ben Cooper, the Pontins George Michael Tribute Act, and Charles Mad Dog Hanson, who's eccentricity and waistcoat/blazer combos have, in the past, struck genuine fear into the Real IRA. The Auction House is in some fortified barbed wire bunker presided over by the soul of Ian Paisley, who in this instance inhabits the body of Daniel Claaaarrrk, who's a bit on the sniffy side and, unsurprisingly. the bonhomie is a bit lacking.



The Distraction centres around the Crown Bar in Belfast where McWitch phones in a coded message and the place is cleared within seconds. On visiting she glances at the mirror in the bar, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest one of all". The mirror cracks.

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Touch Rugby loving couple Red Team kneecap the following:
Silver-plated hand-hammered cocktail shaker/jug 50, (30-40), tight Ultserpeeps?, 75, nope, good profit, they do like their booze;
Paris wooden metronome 45, (40-60), maybe, online bid 40, unlucky, small loss;
Royal Dalton Lambeth Edwardian baccy jar 50, (40-60), another maybe, 40, another loss, oh dear.



Charlie's BB are a pair of grenades, disguised as silver-plated barrels 80, (30-40), Hanson Folly?, 55, yep, another loss for the Mad Bomber.



Friends of husbands Pilates loving Blue Team, one of whom is an annoying no-it-all northern lady, march and burn their way to:
Art Deco Shelley bowl 40, (40-60), a chance, 35, small loss, shame;
Bent-wood Eastern European wooden armchair 40, (50-60), McWitch is not exactly an optimist, 40, evens stevens;
Glass perfume jar 5, (10-20), could well be a profit, 5, evens stevens again, hmmmm.
George Pontinental's BB is a vintage improvised explosive device masquerading as solid silver photo frame 150, (60-80), overpriced from him as usual, 130, better than the estimate but another punt gone wrong, some expert!



The Final Hi-Kick is an indoor internment special which is rather piss-poor, McWitch has obviously cast a feet of stone spell. What cackling fun! Yes!

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You're a ******* forum treasure reg. I enjoy BH twice a day with you. Once when I watch it (though I often don't actually enjoy it) and then again when I reflect over it with your brilliantly written summary. Hats off Sir.