Bargain Hunt

Today Posh Prime Fool Charlie Ross lords it about with his gay blade at the International Antiques Fair, Royal Welsh Showground in Builth Wells. His fellow swashbucklers include duellist, former sports star, D1ckko Madley not Madeley and blunt foilist Kate Shrilly Trilly Bliss. Being back in Wales she has to wear her The Prisoner No.6 jacket, surely. She doesn't'. Boooooooo. Be seeing you. Unfortunately, the Auction is in Malvern which means Philip Muttley Serrell and his band of skidrow skinflints. No profits today guaranteed.



The Distraction is about fencing and the senile old fool goes to the Ronseal National Fencing Museum, where in the Grand Exhibition Shed he finds some classic continental literature stashed away in the drawer behind the lawnmower. As soon as he puts the creosote down Charlie will have to go and have a cold shower and a long lie down.

There's a rumour going round that, during his formative years in Public school, Charlie had his sole torn apart turning him into a bit of a Hellraiser. Ever since he has been manically scouring car boot fairs and all manner of tat bazaars looking for a particular Puzzle box. Perhaps one day he'll find it.

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Mum and daughter Red Team combo, daughter is animal crazy, calm down Charlie, a trip to the shed may be in order, they engulf and consume:
(Challenge: Team sport)
Fantastic football memorabilia job lot (Challenge), including a set of Esso 1970 World Cup coins, I remember receiving those at petrol stations 35, (40-60) quids in says Scruffy, online bid 20, the Misers are out in force, dreadful;
Mother-of-pearl opera glasses 100, (30-50), Steptoe buys it for 35, appalling;
Leather Lennie the lion 90, (60-90), Titus buys it for 40, shocking.
Maddo's BB, he's after something wall hangable, it's a sign, a sign that Scrooge won't spend big, 65, a surefire loss in Malvern, scruffy likes it (40-60), no chance, 40, hahahahaha.

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Welsh Blues Brothers in the Blue Team are on a mission from God with:
(Challenge: 20th Century jewellry)
Silver and enamel earrings (Challenge) 45, (20-35), internet bid 40, loss;
Jensen Spoon and Fork 190, (40-60), oh dear, 70, massive loss;
James Deakin Art Deco-style Sheffield silver toast rack 40, (30-50), he has to plead with Private Frazer in the room for a bid, 20, another loss. Just one more for a Grand Slam.
Trilly's BB, silver by any chance?, nope, it's a Harrods teddy bear with faint growl, 25, surely a profit (20-40), 25, evens stevens, nearly a grim grand slam.

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Malvern is in stiff competition with Rosewell in Edinburgh as the worst Auction Rooms in the UK.



Regular indoor Hi-Kick to finish. Not a bad attempt from everyone but the coordination was off. Special mention to the Red girl who gave a really high kick. She'll go far.

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Cannot wait for @reg_varney to weave his magic around today's episode. Absolute scenes. One for the history books in multiple ways.

 

Instantly came onto the forum the second the episode finished. What an ending.

Can't wait for the write up.

 

It was the Hogg-Deeney of finishes to a BH episode for sure.

 

Saw the excitement so had to break early and watch it. Scenes.

 

Reg us keeping us on tenterhooks

 

Like a comfy worn pullover BH returns today with a brand new episode with homely Uncle Eric and the reassuring chaos of Charles La Folie Hanson and eye-watering outfits of Psychotronic Tartanistic Caroline Hawley, our pair of junk influencers. They visit the Eccleston Antiques emporium also known as the town of Eccleston. The Auction is with Tom Like Father Like Son Blackmore in Rickets Central, close to Stockport. His Dad is also in the business and young Tom was born with a wooden gavel in his hand. Still think he looks like he should be wearing a kilt.

Time for a moan. I wish the BBC wouldn't include major spoilers during the what's coming up next at the start of the programme. It's treating all the viewers as complete morons. Let's face it most people aren't watching the programme on the off-chance.

The Distraction is looking at all the old tat in Tatton Hall, how apt.
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Blue Team are a couple who are amateur dramatic enthusisats, they prance and swan around to:
(Challenge: Feet item)
Antique brass sliding bevel 5, (10-20) good start, 10, nice little profit;
Lalique glass dove pin dish/ashtray 119, (30-50) ouch, well overspent, 35, massive loss, ooofff;
3 Royal Dalton golf plates (Challenge) 38, (50-80) looks hopeful, 40, squeaks a profit.
Caroline's BB is silver?, nope, Victorian ebonised wooden kids chair 55, hmmm overpriced, (10-20), hahahahahahaha, a tenner, hahahahahah, a sizeable loss. The warning signs were there but ignored.

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Standard non-descript northern couple are the Red Team, she doesn't like much, he likes everything, they skulk towards:
(Challenge: Hands item)
Pair Tennis rackets with covers 9, bargain surely, (10-20), 10, a quid profit;
Royal Dalton American pottery cat cracked jug 5, (20-40) it's rare, bargain, 25, decent profit;
Out of time (never happened on BH before) Hanson's p1ssed off, no big spend, no challenge item, a real couple of clots, -75 pounds is the penalty.
Mad Charlie has so much money to spend, god knows what he'll get for the BB, Megafollitastic?, it's an Art Deco silver enamelled sunburst timepiece 200 s0ds, it's sh1t or bust time, (60-100), let's see, 380 massive s0ds, bloody Nora. Huge profit. Hanson's gamble for once has paid off. Just this once mind.

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Well despite having an idiot pair binning off their big spend/challenge item, Hanson pulls it out of the bag, but it could have so easily gone horribly wrong. Caroline Hawley didn't enhance her reputation. She didn't steer her couple away from some heavily overpriced glass and acquired an overpriced chair which everyone said it was overpriced and she didn't negotiate a discount. A very lazy performance from her. Former Gooner husband John pulls both hamstrings in frustration.




Indoor covid diagonal special, Hanson has energy to burn, like the cash, hook him up to the National Grid now. A very entertaining episode. An excellent Hi-Kick to finish, Yes, YES!!!

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Tarnished by the massive BBC spoiler at the beginning. I wish they wouldn't do that. I averted my eyes but Hanson's massive squawk gave the game away.

 

Incoming.

 

Watford 4 Bolton 3 style finish.

 

Was that a Gary Porter hat trick?

 

I missed the beginning. I only watched the dour auctioneer's valuations. I loved his valuation of the chair - rare, beautiful, well crafted, a collector's dream - 10-20. Fugging hell.

Hanson's clock should shut you up for a while. He's earned a pausing on the Hanson's Follies title for a few outings. What a win for him. Love Hanson. He's 50% of what makes BH great for me. Come on!

 

Yep 0-3 down with 20 mins to go.



Just after taking the lead, in the dying moments of the game, I seem to remember Bolton went up the other end and Jon McGinley hit the post or have I totally dreamed that up.

 

Haha. It's a small drop in the ocean compared to the hundreds he's spunked up the wall. He's an excellent Auctioneer and very entertaining but just like the infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters, one of them will write the complete works of Shakespeare. Well today was Hanson's Day of the Bard. LOL.

 

He's the best auctioneer. I used to think Beanpole Weeks was good, but he's got a touch of the wannabe z lister about him. Hanson is in it for the pure love of getting maximum bids on absolute tat. A purist.

 

I'm watching today's BH after listening to the earlier sh1teshow so I might not be at my most objective. However, someone from the "committee" has leaked to me that WFC will be a big spend item on a future show. Unfortunately it will be DQed by Strict Natasha for not meeting her competency challenge. Anyway, I have a nice selection of mints to chomp, so let's go Bargain Hunting!!!!!!

Newbury in Berks, home of Vodafone UK, plays host to Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp who is roaming at the mouth, with blind-spot Barking Charles La Folie Hanson (grin - one swallow doesn't make a summer Moog) and zero tariff Dayglo David Harper, the Teeside Tat Trouserer on hand. Auctioneer is Tim Spongehair Tree Pants Weeks which is a thumbs up from me.



Distraction is talking to the Beanpole about toys. I must admit I could listen to this for hours. Makes me misty-eyed with nostalgia for when we had a football team that delighted us and a club we respected. Next week we'll be taking a look at the rich man's plaything, a football club.



Actually, this is turning out to be quite therapeutic. Father and Daughter, who will buy what they like, you know like, Red Team, there's even time for ice-creams, they stop me and buy:
(Challenge: Handle item )
Weird 19th Century Scott Duxbury wooden headed pipe 24, (30-50) decent, 38, nice profit;
Regency silver Vinaigrette with Victoria sponge (could do with one of these to mask the stench coming from the club) 94, (60-80) hmmm, 170, fantastic profit, GG incoming, all down to the sh1tty pram;
Hanson-inspired knackered rusty pram (Challenge), would stop more goals than our current defence, 30, (20-30) Weeks hates prams, a tenner, yup Hand of Hanson, a sh1tty price for a sh1tty item.
Charlie-boy's BB, the more money you have the more quality you can buy, oh dear, is it going to be follitastic?, an 18th Century moon-type flask, what did he pay?, 152, ALL OF IT!!!!, LOL, this is going to be good, luckily they reject it, (25-40) LOL, it's missing its stopper and it's chipped but people like stoneware, LOL, Beanpole's expression when told how much was paid for it is priceless (see above), LOL, thank you Charles for making me laugh today after the sh1tty football, 46, LOL again, massive loss avoided, well done. Welcome back the real Charles, LOL.

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Dog and antique loving daughter- and mother-in-laws Blue Team, pick up the scent and retrieve:
(Challenge: Ceramic item)
Silver Dachshund brooch 18, (20-30) profit all dear long, 30, excellent start, dogs always do well;
Industrial angle-poise lamp, to shine a light on murky transfer dealings, 75, (100-150) he really likes the price, commissioned bid 80, profit, GG incoming, looking good;
Moorcroft seconded vase (Challenge), on-loan from the Udinese board room, 75, {80-120} he loves it too, 140, Golden Gavel Gooooaaaaalllllll. Excellent spot. Well spent and well played Blues.
Effing hell what is Dayglo wearing, time to get out the eye protectors, his BB is the earlier seen cabinet-housed radiogram record player 39 sods, yes, (20-30), it's got a chance, a tenner, haha, oh dear, never mind. Worth a punt.

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Just goes to show if you think Charles has gone overboard and you stand to lose money then bail, bail, bail.

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Thank you, thank you La Folie for making me smile alot today and thank you Spongehair for the nostalgia trip. Outside standard Hi-Kick finale. Good attempt all round if a little uncoordinated. Outstanding head high kick from the Blue daughter-in-law. Yes, YES!!!!!!!

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Anyway, hope this cheers a few people up. It did me writing it.

 

My two pet hates - overspends on angle-poise lamps and when they put the bonus buys at the end, meaning my half attentive mind is unable to connect the whole programme and items together.

Great write up of yesterday's Reg. You absolutely earned your right to lay into Hanson there. Touché.

 

Today, gurning fool Charleh Ross is the dork in Dorking in Surrey, joined by tat squad chumps Dan Dan Hypersqueaksonic Sebastian, one day his voice will break, and Fancy Pants Dayglo David Harper, the Middlesbrough Montalbano. Auctioneer is Aubrey The Watchman Dawson in Maidenhead.



The Distraction is about nautical militaria with BH regular John Cameron, the Ricky Gervais style shop window dummy. Just as well it's not about books as Charlie has only just mastered Peter and Jane and is moving on to dot-to-dot books. A Public School education doesn't amount to much these days.

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Married middle-aged couple, zzzzzz, next, are the Red Team, they moan and bicker to bring:
(Challenge: A retro item - if Squeak's involved then it'll be old discarded school chairs and desks)
19th Century Treen box 30, (30-40), 55 nice profit;
Squeaky tat directed mid-century floor lamp (Challenge) 55, (30-50) nobody likes it, it does look sh1te, Squeak special, 45, a loss, no surprise;
Continental silver necklace 97, (50-70) overpriced, squeaky dud?, 110, a profit.
The Squeak's BB is some tat rescued from a skip/flytip?, yup, a car lamp from the bins, Jesus, 20 notes, pure rubbish, (30-50), 30 notes, some people will buy anything, it is bloody awful though, the definition of tat. Helium boy laps up the admiration.



Married couple including a Greg Wallace impersonator and Olive Oyl's grandmother who run a B&B, make up the Blue Team, they delve through your belongings and spy through the keyhole to present:
(Challenge: Art Deco object )
Edwardian card table 50, (80-120) depends on the auction audience now, but hopeful, 80, good profit, nice item;
Pair of African masks 75, (60-80) tourist souvenirs, 50, they were a bit of tat though;
Art Deco lamp (Challenge) 50, (40-50), 50 evens stevens.
Dayglo Dave's BB is 15th Century Vietnamese pot, from a wrecked ship, not sunk by the Americans as they hadn't yet been invented, 35, (30-50) he likes it, 60, nice profit, well done Boro boy.



Squeaky's unbearably smug and his voice hits new heights causing all the dogs present to howl in unison.



The Hi-Kick is fine with Danny Dustbin almost kicking his own head off.

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Brand new Bargain Hunt from more of the same old Harrogate. Today Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp is joined by former sports star, D1ckko Madley not Madeley and the delightful booted Roo Irvine. A shuddering thought, the Auctioneer might be Psychedelic Caroline Hawley. Please God no. Like a demented Victor Meldrew in drag as she belows out twenty pooouunnnds. It all depends if the Auction is in York. It is and it is also she. Effing Nora.



Some of the Distractions are getting as threadbare as a Squeaktastic rescued carpet. Today, it's top tips on how to bag a bargain. The tips are bleedin' obvious like your defence is sh1te so buy some competent defenders. That sort of thing. You wonder who they think their target audience is.

Married clay pigin shooters form the Red Team, another bossy Yorkshire lady, poor D1cko, poor husband, she nags her way to:
(Challenge:Iron or steel)
Stoneware olive oil jug 64, (40-60), 70 pounnnnnddddds, a small profit;
Enamelled weighing scales (Challenge) 29, (20-40) 25 pounnnnnddddds, a small loss;
Chinese green snuff bottle 125, (20-40) hahahahaha no chance of a profit, 70 pounnnnnddddds, big bad loss.
Maddo Madley's BB is a 30/40s French weather vane, Caroline likes French according to Strict Natasha so Gooner job has his work cut out later, I hope the neighbours aren't nearby, 45, (30-50), 90 pounnnnnddddds, well done Maddo. You're turning into a solid expert.

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Another married couple make up the Blue Team. She is choosing the items as to whether she would have them in her home or not, rather than making a profit, idiot, Roo has her work cut out here. She rejects funky glass but likes some godawful WAG-style neo-classical light stand. Urgh. She is one of the worst contestants ever. Animals do well at auction advises Roo. Errr do they?, replies braindead. The lights dim as the brain struggles to work.

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She eventually bulldozes toward (Roo telling them what to buy):
(Challengeecorative glass)
2 Art Deco style dogs 89, (60-80) oh dear, 300 pounnnnnddddds, outstanding work Roo;
Vintage advertising box 40, (30-50) better, 55 pounnnnnddddds, well done again Roo, GG incoming?;
3 glass Mason storage jars (Challenge) 99, (30-50) oh dear, 70 pounnnnnddddds, unlucky Roo.
Roo's BB is going to be safe, she goes back to the original funky glass vases 25, (20-40), 35 pounnnnnddddds, a tenner profit, top work. Good going girl!

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Well today was the Roo Irvine show. Not only did she have to put up with the thickest contestants I've seen in a long time, she managed to make them a massive profit and if they had gone with the funky glass vases she originally suggested, rather than a panic punt on the Mason jars, then they would have had undeserved Golden Gavels.



Luckily, the items were good enough to sell themselves as all Caroline Hawley, the auctioneer, is able to do is push some buttons, read the values on the screen, and belt out <Insert number> pouuuuunnnnddssss. She is atrocious.

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Final HiKick is an outside, diagonal, Covid special, well executed and coordinated, good, good. Poor Roo looks frozen. It's grim up North.

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Love the write up, (as always). Shame I can't watch it as nagging people and stupids make me reach for the off button.

 

Charlie reminisces about his childhood and his encounters with Fairies or Fairehs as the posh old fool calls them. I'm sure his Public school masters had an opinion about this, Ross stop daydreaming about fairies, THWACK. When his head partially clears he discovers he's at Wetherby Racecourse in Yorkshire. He is joined by gently effeminate Pixie Jonathan JP Pratt, with his Tory MP-in-waiting demeanour and mischievous Imp sportsmad D1ckko Madley not Madeley. Auction is in grim Darlo with Bearded Gingernut David Doom&Gloom Elstob and his angramatic surname. His glass is definitely half-empty, well you would be in darkest Darlo.



Charlie's collection of gavels is today's Distraction. His broken thumb and fingernails are testament to the senile old fool's hammering skills.

It's a middle-aged menopause special with todays 2 sets of senior ladies. NHS non-exec director Tandem enthusiast and a former district nursing sister form the Red Team, they smile and administer the lethal injection with:
TG Green jugs 40, (20-30) standard fare, oh dear, 20, loss as predicted;
9ct Gold hat pin 50, (40-60) should be OK, 50, evens stevens;
Shell carrier stick stand 65, (30-50) might struggle, 40, another loss, doom and gloom in Darlo.
JP's BB is a 18th Century English willow pattern pickle porcelain dish 20, (20-30), 40, decent profit from the prospective Tory candidate. A hedge fund awaits.

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Former medical secretary turned alcoholic and former dental hygienist/prison librarian who looks like Theresa May, form the Blue Team, they scale and polish off a bottle of red or should I say blue and deliriously imagine:
Scandi necklace 16, (20-30) should be OK, 20, small profit;
Art Deco oval mirror 28, (20-30) time to slit wrists by his demeanor, 20, a loss, toaster in the bath time;
Carved Chinese wooden figure 70, (30-50) a bit tight, 45, another loss, pills and alcohol at the ready;
Maddo Madley's BB is a late 19th century South Indian carved sandalwood casket 20, (30-50) optimism for once, put the razor back, 25, small profit despite doom and gloom's work.

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I'm sure if the gavel basher was more optimistic and lively then he would squeeze more profit out of his items but it must be depressing being stuck in Darlington. Bleak times indeed in the North-East. Serves you right for voting Tory.

Standard inside Hi-Kick, the Red middle-aged ladies make token efforts and Maddo's timing is a bit off. Not one of the better ones.

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It's back to Epsom again to the racecourse again with Uncle Eric again. So does this mean experts Psychotronic Tartanistic Caroline Hawley and Ochuko Commando Chuko Ojiri again, yup. Good old BBC, find/steal a formula, and keep repeating locations/personnel groups/auction houses ad nauseum, just like an automatic washing machine. So does this also mean Nick Plaid All Over Hall as the gavel basher. You bet it does. In his best Keir Starmer voice he calls for Boris Johnson to resign.



It turns out that Epsom racecourse is home to a prominent species of bird. The jailbird. There is a statue of jailbird Lester Piggott. A criminal captured in Bronze. How was that allowed to happen? If I was a pigeon, I'd be sh1tting all over it. I remember the classic Spitting Image sketch of a horse race with the commentary, Lester Piggott is on the inside, he's on the inside, he's still on the inside, Lester Piggott is still on the inside ........ The Royal Family loves the nags so no doubt it was all conveniently forgotten.



The Distraction involves an "amazing" model of a lost Tudor palace, Nonsuch mansion, soon to become a footballer's abode. My mind drifts to Walkers Nonsuch toffees, yum, highly recommended.

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Former university girly best friends make up the Blue Team, who, you know like, sort of obtain:
(Challenge: Makes a sound, shame Dan Dan Helium man is not the expert)
They get the horn, lucky Chuko, a brass taxi horn (Challenge) 13, (15-25) should be OK, 22, small profit;
Nice looking Vintage travelling trunk 75, (40-60) maybe, maybe not, 85, just sneaks a profit, good auctioneering from The Plaidster, GG?;
Old wooden skis and poles, they don't go for the toy robots, booooooo, 35, (40-80) good chance, 35, evens stevens, close but no cigar or gavel.
Chuko's BB Wedgewood pharmacy pestle and mortar 25, (20-40) good chance, 35, a tenner made. Well done Chuko, you are very reliable expert.

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Student Red Team besties, urgh what a word, they could be annoying, but are actually OK, they like obtain:
(Challenge: Copper)
19th Century Copper lustre bowl (Challenge) 5 absolute bargain, (10-20), 24, profit, good start;
Silver Harrods cruet set and box, cruet has to be explained to them, haha, 80, they are actually good at negotiating, (50-80) maybe, 90, nice profit, GG incoming, the bronze figure, sh1te or bust;
US Gordon Bennett Bronze reclining semi-naked lady 185, (100-200) depends if the Septics get involved in the bidding, well someone really wants it, 440, massive profit and golden gavel. Well done all round.
Caroline (who has borrowed a hat off Squeaky, careful it will have someone's eye out), her BB is silver?, no but it is 3 x 9ct gold small trinkets 15, (15-40), 35, nice profit. Well done Mrs Hawley. Gooner John smokes one of his best cheroots in appreciation.

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Today it was 2 sets of youngsters as opposed to sets of wrinklies we had yesterday. Looks like the Young Ones won hands down. Another good episode today. Toy robots trump sh1tty skis any day of the week.

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Standard indoor Hi-Kick. Red girl really gives it some umph in celebration of her huge wedge of cash, and one of the blue girls is not far behind. Apart from Uncle Eric mis-timing his, it's a pretty good all-round attempt. Yes, YES!!

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It's Charleh Ross once again, the gurning old fool is pretending to be a detective, probably looking to see wear he lost his trousers. It doesn't really matter as it looks like he's in a scene from The Last Man On Earth because we're in a one person staffed antiques emporium in Brackley in another Covid lockdown special. Making it less echoey are experts, Tubby Thomas Forrester nee Plant, the plump schoolboy, and flying the flag for the state-educated 93%, Stephanie Connell, the Cockermouth Cumbrian. The online only Auction is with softly spoken bespectacled deviant Mark Ashley, the man in the raincoat with the deep pockets loitering around the playing fields in Stratford-upon-Nonce.



The Distraction is about old food, hmmmm nice, I don't think. Charles Hanson shows off his wares to the senile old fool, in this case a 1924 Pascall's chocolate Easter egg, as you can imagine it's not very appetising now. Old food for an old fool.



Non-descript married couple are today's Red Team, they squawk and guffaw with delight, shuuuttttuuuppp, they fiddle to find:
(Challenge: Bone china)
Amari gold bone china trinket box 38, (30-40) hopeful, 30, a small loss;
Upcycled Singer sewing table 75, (20-30) oops, 80, squeaks a profit;
Miners safety lamp bookends 35, (30-40) hopeful, 70, nice profit, they sqwak and guffaw.
Tubby's BB is a 1940s angle poise lamp rsecued from a skip, a Squeak special, 75, hahahaha, they go with it, (50-80) really!!!!, it looks dreadful, 110, what, I'm in the wrong job!!! Tubby Turns Tat To Treasure.



Best friends of Reds are another even more non-descript married couple make up the Blue Team, they want Golden Gravel, they blunder along with:
(Challenge: Mechanism)
Silver Golf divot repairer 30, (30-40) very hopeful, 90, big profit for a nice item;
US Wooden Tap and die set 5, bargain (10-20) profit all day long, 50, another big profit, GG?;
Mappin&Webb Antique travel clock 95, (50-70), 45, oh dear, a clunker, big loss.
Steph's BB David Lloyd-George stoneware stamp dunker 40, really quirky, social history, (50-70), 110 s0ds, massive profit. Well done our Steph, an excellent find.

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This could have been a sorry old episode but it was elevated with some excellent items and some very lively internet bidding. Not bad, not bad at all.

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Final Hi_kick is an outside breezy Covid diagonal special on uneven grass, Charlie's hair is flapping which provides the provenance for a lockdown produced program. It's a decent kick to end from everyone. Oh Yes.

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Brand new Bargain Hunt is in Wrexham for some old Welsh magic. Smouldering sex bomb Christina Trevanion starts off by having a long sword repeatedly thrusted in her throat in an an unsual manner, she effortlessly completes the task without gagging. What a pro. Turning tricks for her today are Debbie McGee-wannabe gently effeminate Jonathan JP Pratt with his prospective Tory MP Boris-apologised sensibility and Sorcerors apprentice Tim Spongehair Tree Pants Weeks. Remote Auctioning is today supervised by BH regular Tubby Thomas Forrester nee Plant, the plump schoolboy in his Dudley Den.



It's another one of those post-Apocalyptic episodes in an almost deserted indoor antiques centre with a single member of staff on hand not too disimilar to a library if you can find one open these days. Come to think of it, that opening scene looks more and more like a murder from a Dario Argento giallo, all it needs is a black hatted figure holding a sharp object with black leather gloves and a pounding soundtrack. However, I digress.



The Distraction concerns an illusionist called la Grande Buffoon Boris Leano who mesmerised onlookers with his rambling patter, escaped from tricky situations using various distractions and then sincerely apologised for something he believed didn't happen while holding an onion under his nose.



Red Team are the Jaws sisters, they sniff blood and feast on:
(Challenge: Summer)
An unwanted Raleigh Riviera bicycle (Challenge) 19, that's really unwanted and a bit sh1te, (20-30), 5, yup it's a rusting eyesore, no surprise;
Battered biscuit tins for battered biscuits 6, they do look awful but are cheap, (10-20), 5, yup another rusting eyesore, should go straight in the bin;
A complete politburo Chinese cabinet 100 notes, this should get anyone any universal decree they desire, (50-80) yup overspent, 110, it makes a tenner, lucky profit.
JPs BB is a 1902 silver sugar sifter 100, (100-120) promising, 130, nice profit. Good find JP.



Blue Team are the potential in-laws little and large show, they scabble around and find:
(Challenge: Winter)
Stained oak and chrome biscuit barrel 12, (20-30) ok, 10, small loss;
Battered helmet-shaped coal bucket (Challenge) 25, pure tat, (20-30) might be ok, a fiver, they were lucky to get that, pure unbridled tat;
Charles Rennie Mackintosh-style Moorcroft vase 130, (100-150) in with a chance, 35, oof, huge loss, on another day it would have made a profit.
Beanpole's BB is a scratch built model destroyer 25, (20-30) got a chance, a tenner, it was a bit homeworn, never mind.



A real mixture of crap and a couple of quality items, so the majority of today's items were losses. Can't moan about the internet auction audiences because the tat really was tat.

The final Hi-Kick is an indoor Covid diagonal well executed. Well done everyone.

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Allegedly Jonathan (JP) Pratt's bum hair is so soft and smooth that it cannot be shaved by a razor. It just passes through even the sharpest blades of Damasc steel.

Do with that what you will

 

It's a Readers Digest abbreviated episode today, just as well as senile old fool Charl-eh can only just about remember where he is. He's in one of the regular Welsh Haunts in Builth Wells at the Royal Welsh Showground. Helping him regain his memory is pokey practitioner Philip Muttley Serrell, the dump debonair avec scarf de tat, and spec-less Tubby Thomas Plant nee Forrester nee Plant, the plumb schoolboy. Uh-oh, the auction is in Cardiff which must mean the Auctioneer is John Hartson's long lost cousin, Ben Rogers Jones, he of the Dour-Jones index, at the Cardiff Misers Retreat which doubles as Auction Rooms. Doom and gloom all round.



As the episode will be time tight I assume thee will be no Distractipn, just as well as the fool will have had enough excitement for one day.

Note: Earlier series with no challenges.

Twin sister heffalump sea monster Red Team stampede their way to:
Child's correction chair 42, (15-20) another Scruffy-inspired overpriced item then, 30, a loss;
11 Royal Worcester dog-shaped blanks 40, (20-30) hmmm probably not, 18, the misers have spoken, another Serrell dud;
Coral and silver brooch 10, (8-12) should be OK, 20, Scruffy hates it and it makes a profit, nuff said.
Scruffy's BB are some large treen buttplug's, he really has an good eye for tat, 35, (20-30), 40 scrapes a profit.



Plain old sibling Blue Team tender:
Dressmakers dummy 24, (10-15) next, 30, a small profit;
Rusty Edwardian grinding wheel 60, (10-15) pure rubbish, 18 confirmed tat;
Welsh quilt 90, (40-50) probably overpaid, 100, surprisingly just sneaks a profit.



Tubby's BB is an Edwardian spirit level and adjustable Scandinavian screwdriver 126, spunked-it-up-the-wall trophy time for Tubby (30-40) no hope, the idiot, 40, money flushed straight down the toilet. Off to the headmaster's study Tubby for a damn good thrashing. Some really poor purchases today. Bad guidance from the experts, hang your heads in shame.



Poor final kick, Blue woman doesn't even try and the other non-experts are so slow they miss the edit point. A shambles just like the purchasing.

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More brand new BH. Today, posh t1t Charl-eh Ross fumbles around at the ginormous Antiques Fair at Detling Showground in Kent. As he rambles on about vintage parking tickets he's led away by today's men in white coats, Tubby Thomas Forrester nee Plant, the plump schoolboy, who's been in the last 4 showings, and Ochuko Commando Chuko Ojiri, commando on top, let's hope it's not commando below. As we're in Kent, the Auctioneer might be Posh Irish Cliona or even Raj Dr Evil Bisram himself. Nope we're in Surrey with new regular Stephanie Connell, the Cockermouth Cumbrian, flying the flag for The 93%. It'll be good to see how our Steph gets on.



The Distraction involves the gurning fool Charleh pumping his own homemade hot cream into a vintage receptacle. His head spins and the men in white coats need to take him away to a dark place to lie down. Tubby Thomas absolutely loves Charlehs special cream.



Todays teams are 2 sets of housemates. Former stuuuudent girls form the Red Team choose as their like bestie like items:
(Challenge: Made from a cast or mould)
Naff battered bronze buddha (Challenge) 75, (10-20) oh dear, 75 internet bid, evens stevens;
1940s adding machine 35, (10-20), they joke about putting blanket 10-20 on everything, sounds like valuing for a Miserly audience, not a good sign, 20, yup it's a Misers haunt;
Diamond and sapphire ring 189, {80-120} oooff, 95 internet bid, it was very overpriced.
Tubby's BB is going to be something restrained (unlike the last time) as he only has a squid to spend, it'a porcelin sherry label, can't really go wrong with that, (5-8), it gets a tenner, massive applause all round.



Slowcoach student lads make up the Blue Team who sleepwalk their way towards:
(Challenge: Has a lid )
Iron railway sign 75, Steph says unfortunately it's BR rather than one of the pre-nationalised branches which affects it's value, (50-80) so has a chance, 22, the skinflints have spoken.
Victorian papier mache pot 9, can't go wrong there, (5-8) surely a profit, they eventuall squeeze 20 notes out of Scrooge in the audience, but it was hard work, you'll need a holiday after this Steph;
6 silver coffee spoons and case 40, (20-30), maybe, ah Ken Bates is in the audience, President of the Misers Society, that explains it, 20 s0ds, another loss.
Chuko's BB is a silver ballerina brooch, nice little item, (20-30) good chance, she likes it, 26, it squeaks a pound profit as a drop of blood is wrung out of the stones in the audience.

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Steph's helper on the rostrom is having a bit of a bad hair day, unless 80s industrial funk has had a revival, and this is the exciting new look. Steph handles the room well with plenty of humour which is always good to see. It was a tough gig though as Ken Bates and his mates refused to dig deep in their pockets. Bah humbug.



It's a really good outside on bumpy grass Covid diagonal Hi-Kick, everyone coordinated, most well over 90, excellent, should have a special Can-Can award. Hiyarrr, Hi-YES.

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It's the turn of Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp to guide us round the Oswestry Showground. Helping her dish out the fixed penalty notices for the slightest infringements are La Folie Charles Madness Pure Madness Hanson who's feeling in the pink, and the Teeside Tat Trouserer, David Dayglo Harper. Auctioneer is BH regular Sexpot Christina Trevanion to mesmerise the bidders in her Shropshire Auction House. She sends mummy's-little-helper intern to do the valuing, the so posh it's unreal, Ashley Jones, who as Larry Grayson would say, seems like a nice boy.



The Distraction concerns Strict Natasha getting Charles Hanson to show off off his knowledge of Faberge. La Folie shows us his wonderful collection of Brut "Splash it All Over", Denim "For the Man who doesn't have to try too hard" and related fragrances, Old Spice for Old Men, Blue Stratos, and Tabac. Later on Hanson demonstrates his Hai-Karate when he almost demolishes the BH enclosure at the Auction.

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Today it's 2 all-female teams. First up the Red Team, with sniffy mother, "I run a charity out in Uganda", which sounds like a Private Eye euphemism for a knocking shop, and gap year wastrel daughter. Thay are a pain-in-the-arse team who sniffily reject everything until they start to run out of time. Luckily, Charles is having one of his better days and guides them to:
19th century pearlware mug 4, (20-30) profit all day long, Christina has the willies put up her by Hanson's antics, after the curtain is brought down quite literally, it goes for 35, a very nice profit;

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1950s weather vane 100, Hanson's **** (60-100), bit of a gamble, 130, the **** takes off, good profit, looks like a GG incoming;
Vintage bottle crate 15, (30-50), should be a profit, commissioned bid 55, golden gavel, Charles leaps like a pink salmon.

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Pink themed Folly's BB, is it another sh1te or bust special, yup, it's a Art Nouveau-style silver and turquoise stone brooch, 150, gulp, but he is having a good day today, perhaps the auction Gods are smiling on him, (80-120) however, there has been alot of pre-sale interest, so this might fly, the sniffy Reds turn up their nose at the price and reject, 180 commissioned bid to start, boom 240, huge profit. Their golden gavel is entirely down to Charles, he almost had to force them to buy the items at gunpoint as they were, in particular the mother, so, so, sniffy.

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Team Blue are 2 friends, one is a reception year teach and the other is her assistant, PA, dogsbody, personal slave. Such a good example to set the young ones in their formative years to prepare for years of establishment servitude. They show and tell:
Awful battered angle-poise lamp 100 (saw you coming), (40-60) yup overpriced, 65, a loss, it really was sh1te;
Coral and turquoise stone ring and box 20, (10-20), should be OK, 25, scrapes a profit;
Victorian carved chairs 50, (50-70) market not at peak but might be OK, 20, nobody wants them at that inflated price, another loss.



Dayglo's BB is a 9ct 1920's gold motoring medal 80, (70-90) perhaps, 65 commissioned bid, a loss, too niche. Poor expert guidance from Dayglo today.

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Every silver, in this case gold, lining has a cloud and the annoying Reds missed out on a chance to double their profit, but this is La Folie we are talking about and on another day their profit might have been severely dented. Final Hi-Kick is a standard indoor jobby with a p1sspoor lacklustre effort from the 4 contestants. Boooooo.

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Fugging LOVE Hanson me! Love him!

 

He really does look like a leaping salmon in that getup.



Truly bizarre, how can you arrive at the word gestapo from a mispelled getup.

 

We're in Ardingly in West Sussex where Archangel of Auctioneering Christina Trevanion starts off speaking in tongues. Her angelic host is provided by cherubs Nick Plaid All Over Hall, Keir Stamer's instant stand-in and Ochuko Commando Chuko Ojiri for more cloak-and-dagger tomfoolery. Auctioneer is John Marine Boy Cameron in his Pompey Peddle Palace. Warning, don't expect mega profits as Portsmouth is Scrooge's favourite spot on the South coast.



The Distraction is about names for collecting stuff, including one for flag collecting which Angelic Christina demonstrates with the Welsh flag in front of her. All she needs to do now is drape it round herself and I will raptuously ascend.

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Haughty mother and daughter, Red Team, who end up p1ss1ng off the Plaidster, as they dither as the time ticks down, eventually blunder their way to:
(Challenge: Retro)
Wife selling Replica sign 44, (20-40), 25 internet, a loss, the misers are in the audience;
4 Tired and Stained Retro chairs (Challenge) 59, (80-120), has a chance, 40, yup Scrooge has a bargain;
Bronze Art Deco replica dancer 160, (150-180), also has a chance, 140, another loss, yup skinflint city.
Plaidster's BB is a boxed pair of snazzy silver enamelled cufflinks 20 s0ds, nice item, (20-30), 30, a profit in the Misers' hoard, well done Plaidy Nick.



Cliche monitor ON
Same sex (box ticked) cafe owners (ping), camp (ping), met on a Brighton (ping) dancefloor, merge to form the Blue Team, they airily present:
(Challenge: Lion)
Bronze Lion door knocker (Challenge) 85, (20-30) gulp, nice heavy knocker (snigger), amazingly it sneaks a profit at 90, the campest Blue claps like an excited schoolgirl (ping);
Battered head plaster sculpture 20, (40-60) it could have legs, is it a busted purchase, no, 12 pounds profit, it's a bit ***** though, GG possibly, but the next item is not a safe bet;
Battered wrought iron anchor (stolen from the Reds) 60, (40-60) maybe, 40, GG is sunk with the junk.



Chuko's BB is a brilliant 1970s Arnold Palmer golf toy and box, a fiver, a bargain, (10-20), min lowest acceptable bid is a tenner or it's a no sale, it gets its 10 bid. Well done Chuko.



Once again Portsmouth confirms it's bad reputation by not having a decent auction in the Pompey Misers Emporium.

We finish with a Hi-Kick done in the indoor Covid diagonal style. Red girl gets her kick off too early while very camp Blue man barely tries, too much squealing and clapping earlier no doubt.

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Today, it's a visit to the Royal Cornwall Showground in Wadebridge. With portents of things to come, Lighthouse Loon Charl-eh demonstrates that the light on top is definitely out. Helping him out of his brain fog preventing HMS BH crashing onto the rocks are Tubby Thomas Forrester nee Plant, the posh schoolboy, who's dressed like an Englishman abroad, and Tim Spongehair Tree Pants Weeks who at least has dressed down a bit because it is a scorcher. Hold on, there are shots of Smeaton’s Tower, bol-x, this must mean that the Auctioneer is Anthony The Undead Eldred in his Plymouth Penyypinchers Parlour. Crowbars at the ready to prise open those wallets. I can confidently predict that there will be scant if any profits today.



As hinted above, the Distraction, is about 3 little lighthouses, the first one gets blown down by a storm, the second one gets burned down, candles and flammable material are not a good combination, while the third was made of bricks in a revolutionary design, and still stands today. A template for all lighthouse construction since. A quick glance into the posh fool's eyes, as expected, not a flicker.

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Onto today's team. The Red Team is formed of a Pawnshop Poldark and his slothful wife, who drones on about secret compartments, they stealthily unveil:
(Challenge: Photography)
Gnome slide projector and box 3, (2-5) tight, one GBP, is that the lowest sale ever, disgraceful;
Scratch-built bagatelle board game 20, (10-20) yup tight, 6 notes, dear oh dear,
1970s Danish silver pendant 100, (80-120) ripe for online, 120 online, there was someone in the room bidding but she didn't want to break a fiver, a profit, amazing, but it was a classy item.



Tubby's BB is a 9ct gold Art Deco pin brooch 45, (30-50) maybe, Ebeneezer likes cheap gold, 25 online, Scrooge didn't want to let go of his twenty. I'm not going to blame Tubby over this loss as it should have made more.



Sensible now retired friends who later got together as a couple are the Blue Team, he loves his brown furniture, she doesn't, he haggles well to deliver:
(Challenge: The Sea)
Lobster bottle opener 7, (2-5) haha tight, starts at a pound LOL, but a bidding war starts and it sells for 12, a profit!!!!!;
Poole Pottery vase 10, (10-20) good chance, 20, another profit, a GG in Plymouth!!!!!;
GWR lantern cupboard 145, (50-80) recently repainted, 75 online, no GG in Tightville, Skinflints didn't want to buy unless dirt cheap, so a big loss.



Beanpole's BB is a Delphis Poole Pottery vase 35, (20-30) Scrrroooooooge, 28, in the room, Scrrrrrrooooooge, is happy, but it's a loss for the team. Once again Beanpole is not to blame for the South-West Misers.



Everything is undervalued, the items are started at the lowest possible price and the increments on most items start in steps of a pound which hardly sets a tone of positive spending. What a dreadful establishment, stay well clear.

It's a conventional Hi-Kick finale, very well executed, all reaching at least 90 degrees. Can-Can bronze medal awarded. Yes, YES!!

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Anthony The Undead Eldred in his Plymouth Penyypinchers Parlour

Roy Wood's short term project between The Move and Wizard.

 

Pawnshop Poldark and his slothful wife

Saw them at the Roundhouse supporting Charlatans in '04.