Bargain Hunt

Uncle Eric heads off home to Lancs, Eccleston to be precise. It's not a sunny day. It's grim up North isn't it. What's the difference between an Eccles cake and a Chorley cake, former is flakey pastry and latter is bigger, flatter, with shortcrust pastry. It's easy when you've eaten enough of them, and they are nice. Lets's move on. His support comes in the form of Psychedelic Tartantastic Caroline Hawley and Follytastic Charles Mad As A Badger Hanson. The Auction is from just outside Stockport, in Rickets Central, with auctioneer Tom Beardy Blackmore, who looks like he should be wearing a kilt to go with the plaid he is wearing. What is it about BH and plaid.



The Distraction is in Chorley, Uncle Eric has a mystery silver object. A napkin holder and we then have a demonstration of how to eat some soup without getting it all over your clothes. Hmmmm. Exciting. Noddy books are perused. Should give these out to some of the experts to learn from and up their game. Noddy's car is considered as an item, go on buy it, but it's rejected for some of the more usual tat. "Where's Torquay. I don't think it's in Lancashire?" Clap, clap, clap. Well done.



Father and daughter numpties are today's Red Team they stumble toward:
Milk churn planter 49, (40-60), it's got Manchester stamped on it, so ithat helps, commissioned bids, 65, nice profit;
1970s West German pottery jar 15, (15-20), should be OK, 30, profit, GG, probably not with the next item;
Oak mirrorback sideboard 75, (30-50), might struggle, 60, loss, not surprising.
Hanson's BB, is it a BBQ?, no it isnt, it's a retro 80s Philips NASA Discoverer special edition TV in a astronauts helmet 100, folly, (30-50), folly, 50, folly, again. Charles will you ever learn. Should've bought Noddy in his car.



There's knowledge and judgement. Hanson has the knowledge and is a really good auctioneer but his judgement is so often called into question. He does seem very reckless with licence fee payers money. I'm sure the Taxpayers Alliance and GB News have him near the top of their Hit-List as a profligate waster of public money.

Engaged couple sport obsessed Blue Team chug to the Finish line with:
Blackburn Grammar School gold cufflinks 25, (10-15) a bit tight, 20, hmmm, small loss;
Wooden tall lady sculpture 8, (10-15), should be a profit, 10, it is a small 2 s0ds un;
Victorian walnut prayer chair 140, (60-100), overpaid, will probably struggle, 20, not-a-prayer, triple oooooffff, big loss.

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Caroline's BB is silver?, no it isn't for once, a 60s vinyl record pouch to hold your 45s, those are 7 inch vinyl singles to all those born this century, 22, (5-10), oh dear, a fiver, terrible, some tightarses up North, LOL. Maybe stick to silver Caroline. Yet another Northern Scrooge Emporium.



Today it was a prayer chair yet we still wait for BH's first Queening Stool to be sourced and sold. Perhaps they'll have a dungeon special one of these days, mind, the Cancel Culture Cret1ns would have a field day.

Why is ****** (cret1n, creetin) picked up by the swear filter?

They finish with an Indoor Covid Diagonal Hi-Kick special. Not great, particularly from Red daughter. Tsk, no coordination. Yes, NO!!!

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BH has gone to the dogs, as daft twit Charlie is sniffing round a wood with some hands before they drag him off to a very wet Detling in Kent for a condensed weekend episode. He's joined with poodle-haired Tim Weeks and best-in-show Keir Starmer soundalike, John Plaidster Cameron. Actually for once he's not totally plaided out, just looks more like a Burton's shop window dummy instead. Doing the business and kicking it up behind with his back legs in the Auction Room is Dr Evil himself, Raj Bisram in nearby Cranbrook. He's not bad at the gavel bashing.



Red Team is made up of posh student best friends of whom the male of the species, Tristan, is wearing a really stupid hat, HatTwat. No wonder that relationship hasn't progressed to the next level. What a prize berk. Surprised Charlie hasn't cuffed him round the ear for wearing it indoors. I really want them to lose.

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Anyway they buy:
Two Poole Pottery plates 10, (20-40), should be OK, 18, yup;
1970s record player with original box 30, (25-50), should also be fine, 22, disappointing;
Vintage Steyr-Puch Chopper bicycle 105, (50-80) not a Raleigh Chopper, so overpaid, 60, big loss numpties.



Tim's BB is 1960s ridiculously bright lime light, 20, (30-50), 28, a profit. Well done Weeks.



Married couple Blue Team orchestrate:
Pair of 19th century silver shell-shaped salt cellars 25, (40-50), should be a profit, 50, good profit;
Vintage ladder and shelves 59, (50-80), looks promising, 40, not so promising;
Bengal Tiger gin holder 38,(40-80), looks even more promising, 105, big profit.
Plaidy Boy's BB is an enormous moulded resin bear, 175, wow a big gamble (80-140), let's see, they reject it, 150, sensible move. It was a gamble.



So thankfully the Blues win and Team HatTwat lose. Good. It finishes with a very bog standard indoor Hi-Kick.

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The Sultry Queen of Sizzle, Christina Trevanion guides us by the hand to the land of song, Wrexham to be precise, is the brewery still going there, quick check, yup, still going strong. Her page boys today are Tim Pogo Stick Weeks and gently effeminate Jonathan JP Pratt with his prospective Tory MP look. The Auction is in Dudley with Auctioneer Tubby Thomas Forrester nee Plant.



The Distraction is St Winefride’s Well in Holywell, North Wales with its tales of violence and persecution. Sounds like the Holywell Estate in West Watford. There are miraculous bathing waters here but we don't get to see Christina bathing in them, Booooooo, but she does dip her toe in the water. The foot fetishists rejoice.

Married same sex couple who think they are Ninja's, well that's one way of describing it, are the Red Team. The American sounding one (Farrell) is very, very camp. Yup they are pretty annoying. They also have a little Jack Russell dog. The cliches just keep on coming. We see a picture of their growler. Let's move on. They prance along to give us:
Silver plated dogs 12, (20-30), should be a profit, 15, small but still a profit;
Silver basket 105, Farrell's favourite (100-120), 70, oh dear a loss;
Stained pine toolbox 34, (30-50), 25, another loss.

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JPs BB is a pair of tatty bar stools 40, (40-60), a loss incoming methinks, LOL, nobody wants them, but they are eventually sold for 1 GBP!! Mind, they are pretty sh1te. Tut-tut JP. The tat detector goes into overload.



Another married couple, the female half of whom is called Prussia, is the Blue Team, Prussian Blue, aren't the Production Team creative ..... No. They goosestep in unison to provide:
Boring galvanised buckets, 45 (20-30), oh dear, 20;
Novelty Titanic mirror 6, (20-30), Titanic, London is on it, LOL, 15, a small profit;
Wooden Lancaster bomber, unfortunately not full scale, 75, (60-100), not hopeful, 15, another huge loss.



Tim's BB is an excellent set of 10 Gilbert 1965 James Bond Figures 65, (70-100), bet the cheapskates will get them for 20 notes no doubt, almost, they go for 30, tightwads. Weeks et al. look suitably shocked as the Blues are presented with the spunked-it-up-the-wall cup.



Looks like tha auction was all online with minimal actual participation. Most of the utems should have mad a profit. Crappy Covid cheapskates.

Final Hi-Kick is yet again an Indoor Covid diagonal special. However, it's a really good one, plenty of obtuse angles. Prussian Blue lady gets a special award from almost doing the air splits. Perhaps it's all the jumping around she does being a musical theatre teacher. C'mon everybody. Yes. YES!!!

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Phew, it's certainly getting warmer outside and in today's BH posh tool Charlie Ross is in the Royal Cornwall Showground in sunny Wadebridge, a clot in the county famous for its clotted products. Luckily, he's straight-jacketted by his men in white coats, Tim Beardy Beanpole Weeks and Tubby Thomas Forrester nee Plant, the posh schoolboy, who's dressed like an Englishman abroad. The Auction is in nearby Plymouth which probably means it's probably staffed by skeleton gavel wielder Anthony The Undead Eldred. It is.

The Distraction involves a treen product. Charlie fiddles with his ****-shaped ebony string holder. His face creases and his eyes bulge, but aren't they his normal expressions?



Pain-in-the arse dithering mother and long-suffering daughter Red Team slothly acquire:
1950s invoicing stamp with box and ink 28, (5-10), haha oh dear, 2 squid LOL;
1901 silver pendant ch*telaine jewellery 190, (60-80), could be a dud, 95, yup another dud LOL again;
Victorian gilt morning brooch 60, (30-50), probably overpaid, serves them right, 12, another big dud, even bigger LOL.



Tubby's BB is a continental micro-mosaic photo frame, 22, it looks really nice, (10-15) hahahahahaha, the undead has spoken, 18, another loss, hahahahahahahahah hohohohohoho, oh dear, very entertaining. Real West country misers LOL.

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Married couple quiz-loving Blue Team, into their animals and burrrrds, according to wifey he's a tight Cornishman, aren't they all, they zoom along to bring in:
Electroplated silver sugar tongs 9, a bit crap but cheap as chips (2-5), 2 notes, another loss hahaha;
Cornishware style Sugar tin 16, no Cornishware pottery to be found in this rubbish Cornish glorified car boot sale, so it's up to Charlie to see if it meets his mustt be Cornishware challenge, he phoned up Judge Powell (it's what Public School toffs do) who rules it meets the challenge, Strict Natasha will go into a rage (2-5), 8, yet another loss, oh dear what an audience of skinflints;
3 luggage cases 80, (30-50), everything cautiously valued haha, 15, huge loss, Jeez this is Steptoe's Palace of Fools Gold.



Beanpoles's BB is a large box of toy cars, 30, surely, surely a profit for the quantity, (20-30), 25, a grand slam of losses. Has that ever happened before. The Blues items were all realistic and not really overpriced but the Auction Room and its Zombie King leader's negative vibes killed every item. What a sh1te heap!!!



The Blues buy Charlie and the experts personalised Cornishware mugs. Being Teacher's Pets won't get you anywhere, but it's a nice touch. The final Hi-Kick is a bit lackadaisical. Constant losing can be spirit sapping, ask any Watford fan.

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We're at the International Collectors Fair in Detling in Kent with Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp who will try and bring some order to proceedings after the rule-breaking chaos of the previous episode. Her enforcers today are Psychotronic Tartanistic Caroline Hawley and Raj Dr Evil Bisram.
Auctioneer is Cliona Kilroy, who is here, who I would describe as posh Irish in her castle in Canterbury.



The Distraction is all about Teapots from the Teapot Island caff. Is Natasha into loose tea or is she a full-on teabagger? Teapot Island reminds me of The Devonshire Arms pub in Sheffield city centre when I was a student. A massive teapot collection all around the pub. I remember observing the brunette out of the Human League on the razz in there one night, but that was Sheffield where celebs and sundry freely mingled with the populance.

Brother- and sister-in-laws make up the Red Team, they confidently assemble:
Victorian stoneware spirit barrel, Natasha, will be looking for the first opportunity to DQ it as it's not 100% Victorian (her challenge), 30, confirmed to be Victorian so (10-15), 50, nice profit;
Garrard Walnut-cased record player furniture item complete with knackered speakers, Caroline hates it, Strict Natasha hates it, 32 (30-40), auctioneer likes it, 50, well done Reds, good instinct, could be GG;
Nice opal and gem set ring 100, (100-150), could be in with a chance, 70, big loss, unlucky.



Caroline's BB is a George V Brum silver (natch) Art Nouveau style scent bottle 50, (40-60), maybe, let's see, 40, oh dear, they're a bit tight with the pricier items in Canterbury today. Perhaps they need to check down the sofa for some more loose change.



Married couple, including an airplane spotter and a haggling, griping old bat, are today's Blue Team, who bore the t1ts off us with:
Dinky model horsebox 25, (25-35), it's got a chance, 15, what a load of horse crap, really needed the box for the box;
Ornamental lion's head 45, ALERT, not French, Natasha ready to pounce and DQ, but their last item is French so no harm done, (10-15), not looking good, 16, it was crap and got what it deserved;

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Lalique glass jar, Raj tosses for 80 quid sale from dealer, (100-150), bargain, 130, nice profit, well spotted Raj with this.
Dr Evil's BB is a WWI miniature letter opener 10, (8-10), she's a bit tight, 55, Bingo, excellent Raj. He is one of the better experts. No follies here.



Indoor Hi-Kick, the Red Team Sikh bloke has an injured foot but says he'll give it a good go, that's the spirit, good lad. Yes.

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Once again we are in the Black Country at the Malvern antiques and collectors fair with Uncle Eric. Sharing the local mineral water are Raj Dr Evil Bisram and Stephanie Connell, the Cockermouth Cumbrian. Two good experts, so I have high hopes for this episode, no doubt we will be let down by 2 sets of idiotic contestants and a suitably uninspiring Auctioneer, so let's see who we get. Ah it's Tim Bouffant-quiffed Beanpole Weeks from the Wessex Auction Rooms in Wiltshire, should be OK.



The Distraction is about Photographing Art Deco cinemas. Gets me thinking about the Odeon and Carlton cinemas in Watford. Don't think the Empire was Art Deco. Really good example of one was the Odeon Harrow-on-the-Hill.

Engaged at work couple Red Team, they stride business-like towards:
Purple enamel-effect brush and comb set 19, (20-30), promising, commissioned bids, 22, squeaks home a profit;
Pair of Whitefriars Tangerine glassware (challenge and big spend) 85, (60-80), should be OK, 95, GG on the horizon;
1920s Cast-iron ticket stamping machine 62, (40-60), in with a sniff, commissioned bids, 85. Bingo. Golden Gavel. Well bought, well managed by Dr. Evil.



Raj's BB is 1969 OS map of the London area, 10 squids, (20-30), surely a profit, 20, another profit. Good old Raj.

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Camp Continental Civil Partners form the Blue Team, they airy-fairily decide on:
Scary cast-iron Humpty Dumpty money box 10, (20-30), yup good buy, 28, nice profit, good auctioneering from the Beanpole;
Steiff Flossy Fish toy (challenge) 25, (20-30), promising, 35, another profit, however GG is dependent on a bit of a duffer;
Distressed wooden rocking horse (big spend) 130, (50-80), ouch, 120, close but no cigar.



Steph's BB is a treen Scottish butter mould 90, they reject, valued at (30-40), does Steph know more than they do, NZ buyers 55 quid, whoops, bit of a dud there. Not as bad as a Hanson folly but hopefully Steph will learn. Kiwis love their butter memorabilia.



Wobbly grassy outdoor Hi-Kick, only Uncle Eric and Red Girl do 90 degrees. Not great.

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Is it a Kids' edition today (Friday)?

 

You could chop a camel right in the hump and drink all its milk right off the tip of that thing.

 

It's all brand new BH, yet we know it'll be the same old same old, which is what we like. Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp gathers up her book of BH Law and heads to Cheltenham Festival of Antiques at the racecourse (natch), where else is there in Cheltenham. Here she is joined by junior clerks Danny Ultrasonic Sebastian, the Helium Hailer, and the Tartandelic Caroline Hawley, The Psychedelic Gooner WAG. The Auctioneer is Charles Hyperzealous Hanson and his deckchair-style blazers, very dark sunglasses recommended.



The anticipation is unnerving as to what landfill tat Dan Dan squeaky man will drag up today. He's in super squeaky form with his voice hitting new high frequency levels, just like nails scraping down a blackboard. Where are my ear defenders.

The Distraction is Catherine Parr, one of Henry VIIIs wives, the one that survived. There's some scary dummies here too, apart from the contestants, there's Queen Catherine who looks like an Auton from 70s Dr Who, and King Henry who looks like he's been modelled on Bernhard Cribbins. There's quite a history lesson here. Quite interesting if you like your history and plenty of shots of Sudeley castle.

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Student housemates Red Team have the potential to be really annoying, but are actually OK. The male half is Harry Potter meets Peaky Blinders:
(Challenge: Royal connection)
1970s (now described as mid-century) hand-painted coffee set 14,(20-30), 35, well done Hanson, good profit;
Wedgwood Kings and Queens mug (challenge) 6, (10-15), 30, Hanson boost again, GG incoming?;



Pair of old tat-tastic WWI military field telephones 85, (50-70), 40, no GG, sunk, wipes out their profit.
Squeaky's BB early 20th century pushchair, rescued from a skip, awful tat, 50, (30-50), 58, amazingly it makes a profit. Jeez.



Father (who wears a stupid hat for the auction) and undeclared childling are the Blue Team, they serve up:
(Challenge: Signature Ceramic)
Unique head sculpture, bust in more ways than one, dreadful 58, (40-60), 20, well it is utter sh1te, internet Septic bought it;
Scandi ceramic coated copper dish with signature 19, (20-30), 22, tiny profit, shame, nice object;
Re-mounted butcher's block 200, way overspent, (80-120) no chance, commissioned bids, 130, massive loss.



Caroline's BB (she can't make the auction, has she disappeared with someone again, this has happened before) hallmarked silver (natch) Rococo-style sugar nips 20, (20-40), 32, nice profit, well done Caroline wherever you are. A bush near the site twitches in recognition.

Outside Hi-Kick Covid diagonal wobble grass special. Coordination not quite there but reasonable attempts from all bar undisclosed Blue child. Unfortunately, you also get to see Squeaky's sweaty armpit and paunch. I hope that didn't put you off your lunch Moog. Squeal like a pig Dan.

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Cheltenham Ladies’ College.

 

Daft posh t1t Charlie Ross monopolises proceedings from Ardingly Antiques Fair along with Chancers Tim Spongehair Tree Pants Weeks and Charles No Lolly with my Folly Hanson as his chief bankrupters. The Auctioneer is Oh Fark Me, the world's worst, posh dull Katherine Southon in Surrey stockbroker belt. She is effffing dire!! The Liz Truss of the auction world. A masterclass in how not to work a room. I feel for anyone who has spent big today.



The Distraction centres around Monopoly boards, where the money on view is currently worth more than the Rouble. A Dirty Money version should be invented featuring the Duke of Westminister, Russian oligarchs, Chinese billionaires, and Oxbrigde Colleges, and see how it carves up the London property market. The main man here has a man cave full of different Monopoly boards. Has he got an original Escape from Colditz though?

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Father and Son Red Team, Father is now a teach of the teach, son is an RAF plane air parker. They direct themselves to:
Concorde tie pin 10, (10-20), she's very sniffy about it, it sells for 60;
Shoe-shaped silver-plated pincushion 10, (10-20), even sniffier about this, it makes a 25 s0ds profit;
French calendar 14, (20-30), she likes it, 60, Golden Gavel. Well done, but they didn't have to take any risks by having 3 low spending items.



Spongehair's BB is a pair of Platform tickets for Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch station on Anglesey in North Wales. I personally have one of these and so I'm intrigued to see what happens. Tim paid one whole note, (5-10), it was 20 pouunnnds, 20 pouunnnds, 20 pouunnnds, fair warning gonnne. Even she couldn't fark the hot tickets up.

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Mother and Son Blue Team, Mother is a Cat-obsessed Ram, should get on well with La Follie then, son is in a Limp Bizkit tribute band and has to explain what Nu-Metal is to a befuddled Charlie. That means both teams have their offspring fully designated (see yesterday), good job as poor old Charlie might get confused. The Blues stomp onward to:
Derby cup and saucer 8, it doesn't chime, so is crack city, (20-30), 20 pouunnnds;
Dutch silver guitar snuff box 50, that's more like it, (80-120), 80 pouunnnds;

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Black Forest novelty Owl inkwell, 120, really splashing the cash, polar opposites to the thrifty Reds, (30-50) but she means 80, really random valuing going on here, 90 pouunnnds, a shame, might have got a profit on another day, never mind.
La Follie's BB, is it something over the top ...... yup, Hanson fails to disappoint, huge Black Forest style bear with a fish in its gob, 110, (30-50) LOL, another folly, quite rightly rejected, 60, good decicision. Hanson hang your head in shame again.



An observation, you can see why they added a big spend item in later series to add a bit more jeopardy to proceedings, to prevent the overtly cautious spending of a team like Red to sneak a Golden Gavel.

Pretty good indoor Hi-Kick to finish off with. Yes, YES!!!

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Today, Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp with Rule Book in hand, runs her beady eye over events at an indoor venue in Warwickshire with tat influencers Charles La Folie Hanson and Dan Dan Hypersqueaksonic Sebastian. Auctioneer is bespectacled seedy playground loiterer and puppy breeder Mark Ashley in his controlled and secure access Auction house in Stratford-upon-Avon, the Bard's nonce wing.



The Distraction centres around the British Motor Museum in Warwick where Strict Natasha converses with a lifesize ventriloquist's dummy possessed by Satan. By all accounts the Lord of Darkness pootles around in a bright red Morris Minor Traveller. Well there's a turn up for the books.

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We have 2 sets of mates making up both Red and Blue Teams. Golf and Murder loving Red Team strangle out:
Serota wooden card index cabinet 45, (20-30), modest, 30 net bid, a loss;
Victorian silver-banded cheroot holder with case, ideal for former Gooner John Hawley, husband of expert Catherine, 15, (15-25), chance, 25, small profit;
Silver Irish communion box, handcrafted in some Magdelene slave workshop no doubt, 180, (60-80), ouch, internet bid 140, the tightwads in the room don't move an inch, a moderate loss.
Squeaky's BB, the anticipation of the big reveal, is it straight from a tip?, yup, it's a set of old shop scales with weights, who on earth would want that eyesore 12, it would cost more to get rid of it, (20-30) not a quality item, 15, it squeaks a profit.



Charity mugging Blue Team make us feel guilty with:
1920s RAF sweetheart brooch 24, (20-30), 30, hooray a small profit, the tightwads in the room buy somthing;
Georgian silver sugar nips 29, (25-35) it makes his nips as hard as silver, 35 internet bid, another small profit, GG is on but the snuff box is very risky;
Victorian silver snuff box, 180, Hanson helped to overinflate the price, a price designed to snuff out an overall profit (120-180), it could do more, will it though, 120, no, another big Hanson loss.
Luckily Charlie-boy only has 67 quid to waste, he's usually better with less to spend. Hanson's BB, is it, is it, a 1960s Japanese Hara-kiri Tumbling Monkey toy based on the man himself with box 67, (30-40), another folly?, 20 on the net, yup another Follytastic epidode. Not much activity in the room, most bids on the net. The Bards local skinflints.



There should be a new entry for the Oxford Dictionary of Phrase, Saying and Quotation for Hanson's Folly, an item bought by Charles Hanson during an episode of Bargain Hunt noted for it's wild extravagance in form and cost invariably making a significant loss.



Near disaster in the final indoor Hi-Kick where Charles mistimes his kick so badly he almost stumbles backwards into the backdrop. A timely visual metaphor for today's proceedings.

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It'a all new BH with Uncle Eric Knowles storming Ardingly Antiques Fair in Sussex. His fellow stompers are Raj Dr Evil Bisram, who's definitely one of the more canny experts and a forum favourite, and Nick Plaid All Over Hall, the Keir Starmer soundalike, who's also usually fine. So it looks to be a great episode unless we get certain non-auctioneers. Sh1te we've been to Ardingly before so we might get the awful Katherine Liz Truss Southon or Tubby Thomas Forrester, the plump schoolboy, who would be much better. Let's see. Ah it's Tubby Thomas, the program is saved. Only the contestants or a miserly Auction audience can thwart it.



The Distraction ia about solar-powered cars. Not really antique or craft based. One of them is going to sent to Kenya. Good luck with getting it past Kenyan customs officers. A former Kenyan colleague told me the delights of this process. He'd bought a brand new fold-up bike, so he made sure he rode it around a bit to make it less new, otherwise, it would have been snaffled. Some gifted boxes of beer were usually the price to pay for nationals going back home. For others, the price was usually higher.



Married couple are the innit to winnit Red Team innit, I fink the clock is dated, they invoke:
(Challenge: Aviation connection)
Art deco clock 30, (60-100), good, 35, just about a profit;
Chrome boat 13, (30-50), good, 15, squak, they think they are getting a GG, I don't think so;
Dunhill Chrome aeroplane fag lighter (Challenge) 190, (80-120), yep they did overspend, 80 s0ds, massive Hanson-style loss, but it was expected.
Dr Evil's BB are 2 silver bonbon dishes 50, (40-60), hmmmm, 35, oh dear, could have done with an auction room with multiple bidders, the online ones can be a bit stale.

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Same sex partners (box ticked) Blue Team blindly gather:
(Challenge: Railway connection)
Roman-style tear bottle 50, (50-80), 30, a dud, straight to the skip;
Railway-style sign (Challenge) 85, (40-60), 50, well it was overpriced, no surprise;
9ct gold bar brooch 50, (40-60), 15, oooffff, down the solid gold drain.
Plaidy's BB ia a folk-carved wooden bird box 60, (80-120), a quality thing, but online only auction, who knows, 70, a small profit, well done sir.

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Overall, the bidding was very subdued as it was an internet only auction which does seem to stifle competition and keeps the sale prices much lower.



It's an outdoor uneven ground Covid diagonal Hi-Kick special which is pretty good, good elevation from all bar the fat blonde, YES!, unlike the overall result of the auctions, NO!.

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Terrible auction today (Tuesday). Neither team bought that badly. The Blues overspend on the camera and the Reds should probably have walked away from the table at 35, but the auction action was non existent. You can't get a profit with a room full of skinflints like that.

 

Today it's Malvern (again), posh t1t Charlie Ross gurns his way through the Three Counties Showground (Three Counties - I wonder what place here is the LooT*n equivalent). His partners-in-facial-contortion, Psychotronic Tartanistic Caroline Hawley, and Philip Muttley Serrell and his Vagabond sensibility.

Except it isn't.

I turned the TV on early to see that Charlie Ross had transformed into the Archbishop of Canterbury and Phillip Serrell replaced by Prince Paedo. Give him 300 quid and see what he does with it. I dread to think what. You would think they could hurry it along, this is delaying BH. They're going to cancel it. I can feel it in my water. BOOOOOOOO.

A replacement short episode. BOOOOOOOOOO. My prep has all gone to waste. BOOOOOOOOO. Bloody BOOO BBC.

Meanwhile .......

Today's emergency BH is a shortened special. Uncle Eric Knowles is at an antiques fair at Southwell (or is it pronounced Southall, even the locals are confused, Scone or Scon) Racecourse in Notts. The helper outers here are Dayglo David Harper, the Middlesbrough Montalbano, the Teeside Tat Trouserer, and Gary PeePee and his taking the p1ss bonus buys. We have a Rapido auctioneer in the form of Colin "25 to 40" or "40 to 60" Young, the short-haired non-Rick Wakeman variant, in his Lincoln Miser's Lair.



The contestants are two pairs of Nottingham friends.

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Flat neighbours, except the Red haired one is rather unflat, form the Red Team. They steamroller us with:
Essex crystal terrier dog cufflinks 25, (40-60), oh dear an audience of Lincoln skinflints again, 14;
Copper arts and crafts box 27, (25-40), 20, more skinflintery;
Retro Coffee/TV table 35 (on a coin toss), (25-40), 22, more tightwadness, terrible.

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Dayglo's BB is a bellows style Triton foghorn 40, (25-40), 35 another loss



School friends, former Bully Beef and Chips, Blue Team. They shove heads down the bog to drown us with (while the Buzzcocks play in the background):
White metal pocket fob watch 28, (40-60), 30 internet bid, A PROFIT!!!!!!;
Japanese Mycro camera 65, (25-40), 15, another loss, what a shock;
Late 19th Century Candlestick holder 22, (40-60), 12 sods, unbelievable tat worshippers.



Gary Peeeeeee BB is a locked leather elephant moneybox, quite a rational choice for him, 25, (10-30), 26, 1 note profit extracted from the hand of Steptoe.

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Terrible auction audience. Can't remember so little being spent in a sitting. Indoor Hi-Kick, most achieve the minimal 90 degrees, however, one of the Reds is half asleep and barely lifts her foot off the floor. A dead loss, like the auction.

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The sacrosanct schedule was tampered with too, the service was being shown on BBC News channel so they could've faded out and told people to naff over to Freeview Channel 231. Booooooooooooooo.

 

I'm glad you pointed that out ruined my lunch schedule and has thrown my whole week off.

 

Today, it's time to calm down, Uncle Eric is in Scousepool at errrr St Jeerges Horll, so let's hope the fixtures, fittings, contents, are all nailed down otherwise the next time the camera pans round there could be a very bare room. Joining Uncle Fagin in his den of thieves is his Artful Dodger Dayglo David Harper, the Teeside Tat Trouserer and his Nancy, Gary PeePee, Bonus Buyus Bizarrus Sh1ttus. As we're in the Land of Knock Off, perhaps Red and Blue Shell Suits should be the order of the day. The Auctioneer is only referred to as Adam in Livermoan, very slack script editor, but a quick search reveals it's Adam Partridge, aha, You're hand is about 30 mm away from my glans, Eric. He's a goodish gavel thumper but doesn't sound very local, which is a plus in my book.



Distraction is more hi jinx around St Jeerges. I wonder if it has/had a lead-lined roof? Be interesting to see what happens when it rains. Mind, it is an impressive Victorian building like most of the architecture in Liverpool.

Marketing boss and underling "colleagues", let's hope there's no inappropriate behaviour, yet they end up getting the horn, make up the Red Team who blue-sky-think:
(Challenge: Railways connection)
Loud 1980s costume jewellery necklace (cheap bling) 10, (20-40), 25, a profit;
Pair of Memorial candlesticks 140, (50-80) very funereal, ouch, 30, big loss;



Railway warning horn (Challenge) 22, (20-30), 30, small profit.
Gary Peeeeeeeeeee's BB is a weird Japanese tin-plate alcoholic toy bear, 15, (20-40), 40 internet bidder. Well done Gary. A decent item, again.



Sisters, not in the biblical sense, make up the Blue Team, they festoon us with:
(Challenge: Food server)
Mid-18th Century Delft charger plate (Challenge) 50, (30-50) should be OK, 40, small loss;
Art deco silver whole-in-one golfing trophy 75, (30-50), online bid at 40, another loss;
George III silver snuff box 105, (30-50), yep they heavily overspent, 50, an even bigger loss, oh dear.

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Dayglo's BB is a 1920s silver spectacles case 35, (40-60) should be a goer, 25, another loss, the Scouse Steptoe's didn't fancy it. Perhaps they'll lift it later.



Indoor Hi-Kick finale is well executed but badly coordinated, everyone does the 90 but not at the same time.

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Mr Red had a wedding ring on too the dirty basket.

You could just tell he was giving Ms Red knee tremblers up against the server cabinet. Obvious.

"We're a work husband and wife!" giggled Ms Red. I bet his real wife sat at home watching, loved that.

 

Big sigh, it's a 50th Anniversary of Radio 1 and Radio 2, Celerities-In-Need of attention, BBC backslapping special. Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp(eyes4rules) along with charidee experts Nick Plaid All Over Hall (this time wearing Baby Blue, the Keir Starmer soundalike and Psychotronic Tartanistic Caroline Hawley, the veteran Gooner WAG, arse around London's Spitalfields Market with all the proceeds going to charidee. The Auctioneer is, Oh Faaaaarrrrrrkkkkkk, it's awful Katherine Liz Truss Southon, in Surrey Stockbroker Belt, the world's worst auctioneer with her catchy phrase of pouuuunnnds, who surely can't minimise profits for charidee. God aren't these wireless personalities as thick as planks. As usual it's all about them. Attention seeking numpties.



Red Team is made up of Cawlin Mooraaayyy and DJ HooHee (box ticked), who randomly acquire:
Jet Plane Metal Ash Tray 30, (30-50), alot of interest already, surely she can't mess up, 160 pouuuunnnds, all to charidee;
Three silver cuff bangles 50, (40-60), 85 pouuuunnnds, another profit;
1930s Decca Gramophone with needles and Shellac discs 135, (40-60) oh dear, she won't add value, 70 pouuuunnnds, sinks like a lead-lined turd.



Tartanelly's BB is silver?, no, it's a Delft chipped-tin-glazed plate 25, and Victorian silver bracelet given as gratis, (50-80 + 10-20) she doesn't really rate either, 65 pouuuunnnds + 75 pouuuunnnds. Well done Caroline, well done public-spirited dealer.



Blue Team contestants are Edith Whatshername and HeardOfYou Not (box ticked), I love it when stuff comes in a box, Nick it's in a box with silk and stuff, I'm feeling angular vibes, who blindly buy:
Bling Italian oxidised silver and glass Ring 90, (50-80), 65 pouuuunnnds, a loss;
Art deco-style silverplate teaset 50, (50-70), 75 pouuuunnnds, a profit;
19th Century damaged urn 40, (20-30) she doesn't like it, but it's doable she says, let's see, 60 pouuuunnnds, more charidee profit.
Plaid's BB is hand-cut crystal glass chandelier 60, the numpties are very non-plussed, not blingy enough, (60-80), she verbally pulls it apart, 40 pouuuunnnds, oh dear a bit of a sh1te sandwich there Mr Hall.



Packed charidee Home Counties Genteel auction house with huge bulging wallets and purses burning holes in the household allowance, compare and contrast the Northern/Midlands Misers Emporiums.

Final outside Hi-Kick is very half-hearted and uncoordinated. Bleedin celecbritees. Boooooooo.

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First episode I've managed to catch live in a few weeks. My heart sunk when I heard it was going to be a 'celebrity' special but, thankfully I didn't know any of the Z-listers who'd been roped in so my enjoyment was undiminished. Is 'Caroline' Hawley a tranny?

 

I take it you missed your firm's Diversity and Inclusivity training session this month?

 

Today's high kick was, in my opinion, lacking pizazz.

 

More brand new BH, posh t1t Charlie Ross is back in Southwell/Southall racecourse tying himself in Notts. Untangling him today are Sarky Marky Stacey, the sleazy, slurry somnambulist and Stephanie Connell, the Cockermouth Cumbrian, flying the flag for the regualar comprehensive State educated person (The 93%), more power to their elbow. The auction is with crumpled James Lewis, somewhere in Derbys, who looks like he's spent the night slumped next to the bins. PROFIT WARNING: Internet only bidding.



In the Distraction, confused fool Charlie trots up to Museum of the Horse in Tuxford He's very excited to learn about the history of riding side-saddle. Just so long as it's not him riding uphill bareback! His boarding school experience would come in handy. Ladies didn't ride astride or wear underwear in the olden days, so mounted cowgirl or reverse cowgirl was not an option.

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Same sex retired teacher partners (box ticked) Red Team admonish us with:
(Challenge: Bedroom item) (oo-er)
Valcera Swiss vase 34, (15-20), 15 for the skinflints bidding;
Valet stand (Challenge) 34, (5-10), hahahaha, (20), Scrooge buys it;
James Hadley Iris vase 75, (20-30), he likes this but doesn't value it highly, 45, another loss.
Sarky's 'Time will tell' BB is silver mounted Smiths Art Deco mantle clock 60, (40-60), thinks it has a chance, but will Ebeneezer think so, commissioned bids 70, hooray a profit, Sarky rescues his reputation.



Bloody stuuuudent housemates Blue Team sleepishly scavenge:
(Challenge: Sitting room item)
Pair of Beswick bird dishes (Challenge) very compliant seller, 10, (5-10), eventually it hits 10, evens stevens;
Enamelled Coach sign 119 (40-60) gamble, he absolutely loves it, but is very conservative in his estimate, commissioned bids, 110, close, unlucky.
Pine chest/blanket box, same compliant seller 69, (30-40), is he really undervaluing?, commissioned bids 25, oh dear, the Miser's have a field day, a nice big box to stash their hoard.



Steph's "quality" BB is a big George IV silver serving spoon, big enough for Boris Johnson's enormous gob, 75, a gamble, (50-70) he loves it as it is a "genuine" antique, commissioned bids, bit of a bidding war 85. Nice wheeler dealing Steph, Harry Redknapp and his dog would be proud, a nice little earner.



It's an outside Covid diagonal special. Looks good. It is good. Even Sarky Marky gets it up for once, despite his age and girth. One of the lads get's it head high. Well done sir. Poor old Steph though, heels on grass isn't the best for king kicks. A good episode today. Yes, YES!!!

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I disagree, I think they did well on the uneven ground, all bar Steph got to 90 degrees and it was in unison for once. The unlinked Covid diagonals on uneven grass are particularly tricky.

 

Her hubby, former Gooner John, would stub his cheroot in your eye, knee you in the groin, and in the process of doing so, pull his hamstring.

 

Uncle Eric is imping around the Lincolnshire Showground where he is joined by fellow demons, the mildly evil, gently effeminate Jonathan JP Pratt with his prospective Tory MP look, and Gary PeePee, Bonus Buyus Bizarrus Sh1ttus (usually). The auction is in Sheffield which means it's Steel City's Sardonic Rob Lee (not the footballer) as Auction conductor, he's the cousin of the Liverpool auctioneer Rob Ulysses Blind.



The Distraction is posh old bangers but that's enough about the contestants.

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X-mas obsessed Moorcroft hoarding friends, one who is a Nora Batty clone, are the Red Team who gather under the mistletoe for:
Japanese butterfly buckle 45, (20-30), 28, a loss;
Set of 4 table salt cellars in its presentation box 26, (40-80) hopeful, 50, nice profit;
Art Deco decanter set 40, (30-50), 35, another loss.
Gary's BB is a martial arts weapon masqurading as a German art nouveau plated pewter dish/tray, the sort that might end up serving your mango chutney and lime pickle with some pops 44, (40-60), hopeful again, 45, squeaks a profit.



Married couple, Kiwi bloke, loves his rugby and cricket (natch) are Blue Team, they ruck and maul towards:
2 silver brooches 80, (20-30), ouch, a real Yorkshireman's estimate, 30, big loss;
Set of 6 white retro chairs 120, (40-60) ouch, might only be retro-style, 35, very big loss;



Engineer's spirit level 50, (20-30), looks like Blues really overpaid for all their items, 35, yet another loss.
JPs BB is an oak dressing stool, if you eat enough acorns you'll produce one 50, (20-30) another Yorks estimate, 22, another duffer, not good Tory boy.



Looks like the Blues fell into the classic BH trap of buying things for themselves rather than thinking what might sell and produce a profit, the old heart ruling the head idiom. Indoor regular Hi-Kick finale is, apart from the 3 regulars, is the definition of lacklustre.

 

Today Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp presents from North of the Border, so expect purses and wallets to be kept extra tight with only the occasional Tartan-munching moth escaping into the gloom, during today's proceedings. On no, the Tat Bizarre is at the Highland Centre in Edinburgh, this place has form and it might mean a terrible trip to the Miser's Mecca, the Rosewell (Roswell) Auction House, Hangar 84 with chief an@l prober Sybelle Thomson fresh from Ming the Merciless (recently declared a 'discriminatory stereotype' by the BBFC) emporium on Mongo. She is probably the worst of the worst in this programme. Today's abducted experts are Ben Cooper, one half of the Pontins Wham Tribute Act, Bhum, and Tim Spongehair Tree Pants Weeks. The Aliens look on in bemusement. Ah phew, it isn't Sybelle Thomson as Auctioneer, probably too busy drinking the blood of hapless victims, thank fark for that, it's a bloke called Gavin Tavendale, who's about as nondescript as they come.



Remember folks, profits will be low on anything that can't be eaten, drank, smoked, injected, or hoovered up their nasal passage. Golden Gavels are totally alien to this den of thrift.

The Distraction concerns that posh soup bowl bit of tableware, the tureen. Bird pottery in other words.



Red team are a couple, the Red lady with dark bearskin styled hair and Red uniform looks like she's part of Changing of the Guard, they are both into Johnny Cash, the Man In Black, who also had Scottish roots, they walk the line to give us:
Anita Harris pottery dog, hold on wasn't she in Carry on Doctor, I'm surprised she had the time to do pottery, 32, (10-15) oh dear no chance then, 25, the losses start;
Chinese dog 20, (20-25), maybe but probably not, 30, amazingly a small profit;
Metal retro table lamp 70, (15-25) to entice the bidders, hahahaha, 55 internet bid, another loss.
Beanpole's BB is a funky set of butter knives with fruit-form handles, 15, surely a profit even in Skinflint City, (10-15), 35, 2 profits in all. Amazing.



Blue team are just "friends", yeah right, he's a lead scientist and she's an underling in his team, my suspicions are definitely confirmed, they blue-facedly emerged from the locked office and stealthily skulk towards:
Scottish silver brooch 30, (15-25), 30 internet bid, evens stevens;
Burr Tea caddy 50, (20-40), 70, 20 Scottish pounds profit!!!!;
Caithness decanter and glasses 40, (15-25), 25, sigh, a loss.



Carlos Wispa's BB is 5 Chemist's bottles 65, (30-60), all the estimates are tight, 65, evens stevens. A new record for Scotland, both teams made profits, 8 notes v 5 s0ds. Don't spend it all at once.

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The final Hi-Kick is the benchmark that should be reached every episode indoors when linked. All participants hit 90 degrees or above, all at the same time. Hurrah, something to celebrate.

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In today's all brand new cliche-laden BH, Blonde Fox Christina Trevanion is in Shrewsbury, where it's p1ss1ng it down in a soggy field. She is joined by the weathered Philip Muttley Serrell, the Landfill Lounge Lizard avec scarf de tat, and the fresher faced Izzie Lizzy Dripping Balmer. Auction house is in Lichfield's, which means Auctioneer is Skaro's own Richard 'Ex-sterrr-minnnate' Winterton, barking out bids like a coked-up Jeff Stelling. Online only auction. Boooooooo. Prospects are diminished.



The Distraction is about wildlife artist Mouse Macpherson who had a sad and tragic end.

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Friends Red Team, one on a mobility scooter (box ticked), I loik glarse, trundle to a bundle:
(Challenge: Item beginning with B)
BBC cast iron sign (Challenge) 44, (30-40), 110 Bingo, big profit;
Moss Agate handled Victorian silver christening set 99, (40-60), 120, another profit, GG incoming.
Vintage metal banded trunk 38, (15-25) on-trend cliche (ding) mentioned, 80 s0ds, Golden Gavel attained. Blimey.

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Scruffy's BB is 1930s solid silver Wishbone sugar nips, which sounds more like a nickname than an item, 35, (20-30), 50 quid. A scruffy profit. They're really spending today.

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Enthusiastic brothers, one's a carpenter, who join to form the Blue Team, they plane and saw towards:
(Challenge: Item beginning with H, BH geddit!)
On-Trend cliche mentioned, ding.
Early 20th Century trunk 52, (25-35), 50, close but no cigar;
French Hunting Horn, toot-toot (I was going to make a Derek and Clive joke but couldn't be arsed) 15, (15-20), 25, nice profit, this is so unlike the usual Miserly places we've had recently;
Mid-Century Sewing Table 78 (20-30) oh deary deary, 30, sh1te item so big loss, deservedly so.

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Lizzie Dripping's BB is an industrial-style heat lamp 50, on-trend (ding) (15-25), 30. It looks crappy and during a generous Auction it make a noticeable loss. Tut-tut. Back to the industrial drawing board for you Dizzy Izzie.



An episode where the victorious Red Team give a BH masterclass and the useless Blue Team show us exactly how not to do it. Experience in years triumphing over youth perhaps. I'm sure this statement will resonate with thread lurkers.

Indoor Covid diagonal special, reasonably executed. It's On-Trend (Ding).

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Separated at birth?

 

Today it's an astronomical BH live from Pikeyborough festival of Antiques, but that's enough of Posh's London Road rusting eyesore. Spinning into orbit with astronut Uncle Eric are The Man Who Fell To Earth, Nick Plaid All Over Hall, this time wearing dogtooth check which is technically plaid, the Keir Starmer soundalike and Barbarella-wannabe, gently effeminate Jonathan JP Pratt with his prospective Tory MP look. Continuing with the outer space theme, Lichfield is the Auction destination which means a trip to Skaro with Emperor Dalek Richard 'Conquer and Destrrrrrroy' Winterton barking out the frenzid bidding. Spend your money or be exterrrr-minated.



The Distraction has Uncle Eric visiting an astronaut called Norman Cathedral to view Tim Peake’s space capsule/man-cave which has been dumped in a large church. Talking of capsules, the inhabitants of Pikeyborough have been living in their own one for decades. It's not exactly the place for progressive, forward thinking, but is more akin if you're into grunting, rummaging and running feral.

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A Red Team of mother and droney son, facilities manager, they slowly decide on:
Mid-century Bakelite and sterling silver fountain pen 23, (15-20) it;s missing a few bits, 30, a nice profit, good start;
1930s cased manicure set 5, (5-10), 20, nice little profit again, GG incoming;
1970s (or maybe earlier) set of 4 pink (or dusty red) primary school chairs 19, {20-30}, yup Golden Gavel at 35. Well done Reds and the Plaidmeister.
Plaidy's BB is a silver Danish Art Deco-style brooch 25, droney is not impressed, (15-25), the Dalek barks approval, late bid of 30, nicely done Mr Plaid sir. You are one of the better experts.

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Non-academic Cambridge friends are the Blue Team (not that kind of Blue), map-maker and graphic designer, laid-back yet competitive, yeah ok, next, quickly grab:
Pair of late 19th/early 20th Century continental vases 65, (40-60), 35, loss, they did pay too much, they were a bit tatastic.
Lipton's grenade, disguised as a 1924 Empire exhibition brass Tea Caddy 20, (10-20), 30, small profit, that's good;
Late 20th Century Japanese Satsuma bleedin' huge moonflask, 34, (20-30), 50 s0ds, nice profit.
JP's BB is a pair of upsetting (Tiger slaughtering) original Mogul school prints 22, (10-20), 30 notes, good 'un JP.



The Dalek's Lichfield HQ always seems to deliver a decent auction so you've always got a chance of a Golden Gavel here.



Indoor regular Hi-Kick with p1sspoor execution by the contestants. Confiscate their winnings!!

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JP is a **** expert but he's done a good kick there. Imagine he's had a few boots up him at public school, what!

 

All that money made making crystal meth and Jesse Pinkman still gets excited making £43 on BH

 

A very droney Pinkman. I shouldn't be so hard on the Posh after they held Puketon last night.

 

Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp is in Stamford Meadows, Lincs, for some Baroque fun. Chaperoning her are the dandy dustman Philip Muttley Serrell, the Landfill Lounge Lizard avec scarf de tat and Queen's consort Kate Shrilly Trilly Bliss. We have a Rapido auctioneer in the form of Colin "30 to 50"/"50 to 80" Young, the Rapido short-haired non-Rick Wakeman variant, in his Lincoln franchise of PennyPinchers.



The Distraction involves Burghley House to look at the Hell Staircase, anyone who's used the University of London Scientific Periodicals Library will have visited one of these, also the external fire escape in the Dept of Genetics in Cambridge comes a close second. There's a lady wearing apparent yellow socks in the painting. It turns out, this a part left untouched when it was cleaned, and is a product of decades of candles and oil lamps. For once, genuinely interesting.

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Never heard of the Peacock superstition before. Scruffy avoids an item, Trilly embraces. She has obviously been taking lessons from McWitch.

UEA, not RADA, Drama Students, so tomorrow's receptionists, coffee shop beasts of burden, and sex workers, you know, like, form the Red Team, who express and visualise:
(Challenge: Horsey item)
Edwardian brass bowl and jug 55, (30-50) ding, it will probably struggle, 35, hmmm a loss;
Leather riding boots (Challenge), careful Strict Natasha will be after those, 30, (30-50) ding, 20 another loss, welcome to Skinflint city;
Black granite spiral sculpture 75, (50-80) ding, broken and damaged in transit so 80 pounds is guaranteed as insurance, (20-30) is the new estimate, it sells for 40 but because of the 80 s0ds insurance value means a fiver profit. Got that?



Scruffy's BB is a massive brass and dish centrepiece 30, a massive gamble?, (30-50) ding, 60 notes online sale, Scruffy shoots Scruffy scores.

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No mark Partners Mo and Mark Blue Team, amateur dramatics enthusiasts, chew the scenery and show us:
(Challenge: 20th century Glassy item)
Murano peacock eye glass scent bottle (Challenge) 63, (50-80) ding, 40 a loss, Ebeneezer grins;
Moorcroft vase 55, (50-80) ding, 42 another loss, Ebenezeer smiles;
Late Victorian pocket watch cabinet 140, (80-120), probably overpaid, 50, massive loss, Ebeneezer laughs. Welcome to Lincs Misers folks.
Shrilly has her Prisoner-style jacket on, her BB is silver? yup, silver stoppered hobnail glass perfume bottle 38, (30-50) ding, 60, well done No. 6, The Village awaits your homecoming.

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Well a predictable episode where the Lincoln Steptoe's scowled and the purses and wallets clamped shut.



Indoor regular Hi-Kick finale, the Blues make one of the most feeble attempts ever, worse than the perennial lazy s0d Scruffy Le Tramp.

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