You're Not Alone

My worry about campaigns such as this is that they seem to assume that everyone has someone to whom they can talk. One of the big mental health issues is a feeling of isolation. If someone feels isolated telling them to talk makes them feel worse. In the Netherlands they are combating this feeling of isolation amongst old people by sharing dogs. Many old people won't have a dog because they worry about what will happen to the dog when they die. The sharing dogs idea not only gives them a companion when they are on their own, it also provides social contact in the sharing process.

 

the feeling of isolation can also be caused because, even if you feel you have people to speak to, they haven’t walked your path and don’t really appreciate your circumstance. Having somebody to talk to that can’t appreciate the place you’re in can be as isolating as not having anybody to speak to in the first place

 

Absolutely.

 

But who knows what path they have walked? It may not be your exact path, but it may be one that allows them some insight into yours.
This is not to suggest that the fear of further proof of isolation is not real, but is it worth a try?
I don’t know; I got through my **** (I think!) in my teens. Have to admit, ‘talking’ was not a big thing back in the early 70s, so advising people to read LOTR, listen to ProgRock, write angst-filled poetry and follow WFC to all parts of the country may not help anymore.
Just please keep trying to trust someone to understand.

 

@Johnny Todd Sings
@Halfwayline

I totally get what you're both saying. But if that lonely, isolated person tries to ask for help, maybe, just maybe, they'll drop lucky and the person they talk to can play a part in setting the wheels in motion to get them on the path to the help and support they need.

I pride myself on being a good listener. (I believe these days we call it being an 'active' listener... } Unfortunately, I'm also not so good at reaching out to people when I myself am at a low ebb, so it's sometimes a lonely, mental road I find myself on. But being strong for others seems to be how I get by.

I'm not really sure what my musings bring to the discussion table; perhaps just try to ask for help...

Keep the Faith

SCG

 

Yes, it's a conundrum. Talking to people is what is needed. Hopefully providing a safe space with active listening will help. My concern is that just telling people to talk may not be helpful, especially if there is no indication of how to do that.

We have mental health posters at work telling us what to do but not how to do it. It smacks of senior management ticking boxes that central government have prescribed. I am making a nuisance of myself by highlighting what I see as the failings of the mental health support, or lack if it. I won't go on but some of what is provided is downright nasty, such as having to identify yourself if you need support.

On a slightly different note. I have set myself a task of having a meaningful conversation of at least 15 minutes at least four times a week. By that I don't mean talking about work at work, or talking about the weather to someone. In my old age I realise that I have a strong tendency towards isolation and I am trying to get out of that lifelong habit. You probably don't remember SCG, but I was always on my own when we met up at northern fourth division grounds.

 

Well now I'm intrigued!!!

Did your username begin with an 'M' on a previous forum?

 

I'm not suggesting people don't reach out...exactly the opposite. But sometimes people who are in a bad place will need to speak to multiple people until they find an individual(s) who can give them what they need to put them on the right path to recovery.

When I lost my wife I was very fortunate as I had many male and female friends I could reach out to. Problem is most of them made me feel even more isolated. Not because they meant to but I didn't really want to speak about football or talk about mundane things. I wanted to understand how I dealt with grieving daughters. Thankfully, I found the right person who was instrumental in making me feel sane again.

The point of this is, if looking for help, be prepared that it may take a number of attempts to speak to different people until you find what you are looking for. Also don't feel aggrieved if the person reaching out then doesn't follow up with you

 

The idea of maybe having to talk to a few people before someone/something brings succour makes sense. I was vaguely thinking of that in the first part of my post, so thanks for stating it so well.

 

Out of curiosity - and feel free to say you'd rather not expand on it - did you try telling these friends what you were looking to talk about but find they'd deflect the topic back again onto (what they perceived as) safer ground? I think it's quite common when it comes to talking about death that a lot of people just won't engage. It's one of the big taboos in our society and I think the lack of openness holds us back. We've ended up slipping in symbolic acts of support - eg. see the pantomime that every other pre-match at Vicarage Road has become with minutes' applause for this and that - rather than the stuff that actually makes a real difference to people.

 

This is a fair question. From my personal experience, when my mum passed many years ago, people ‘didn’t know what to say’ and there was a lot of conversations redirected onto other more ‘friendly’ topics.

 

I can thoroughly endorse what you say about the benefit of talking to multiple people.

I have done a counselling diploma course. One of things we were taught is that the essence of counselling is a therapeutic relationship. So, you can be good at counselling, but that doesn't mean you'll be able to establish a good therapeutic relationship with every prospective client. If the relationship isn't working you need to pass the client on to someone else. Likewise, as a client, if it's not working, try someone else.

I would also add that many people are afraid to talk in a deep and meaningful way to those that are suffering - sometimes because they are fearful of making matters worse; sometimes because the pain of others is too painful for them. This is why prospective counsellors have to be in counselling themselves. You have to deal with your own "stuff" so it doesn't get in the way of helping others deal with their "stuff."

Lastly, I am glad you eventually found someone who helped you feel sane again. Perhaps one day you'll be in a position to do the same for someone else in pain.

 

Most of my friends stayed on safe ground but that just wasn’t where my head was. Many compared to the grief they had suffered but, unfortunately, they were comparing a 48 year old mother to their parents who died in their 80s and 90s which just riled me (don’t judge it was the place I was in).

however, having said all that, I truly don’t remember 6 years on a bad thing that anybody who reached out said to me but I do fully remember those that stayed away. The latter are no longer “friends”

 

I have spent the last 6 years being introduced to people who have lost partners. Some women are just looking for guidance, some are looking for advice on how to set up the WiFi, some men are looking to understand when there will be light at the end of the tunnel, some just want to talk to somebody whose worn their shoes

I have met some new good friends along the way. And this year we’ve been invited to a woman’s wedding who’s getting remarried after losing her partner 5 years ago. I have received an invite after speaking to her multiple times on a call BUT the first time we will meet in person is in the church. Quite surreal

 

I’m not surprised you were riled. I would have been too. Many people try in effect to say “I know how you feel because so-and-so happened to me too.” One thing I learnt from my counselling course is that everyone’s experience is different. Even if exactly the same has happened to you, it doesn’t mean you know how someone feels. You only learn how someone feels by asking them and listening without judgement or jumping to conclusions.

 

I am so glad that you have been able to use your journey to help others through theirs.

 

I have just been diagnosed with ASD and possible additional ADHD/ADD, apparently I have OCD like behaviours also. Co-morbidities of anxiety, stress tolerance, unhelpful overthinking, self esteen/ self worth issues, mood and emotion management, impulsivities and sensory issues. No wonder I like it here. IQ of 120 yet no desire or motivation to do anything with it, brilliant. Probably being too open here but fvck it, you only live an infinite number of times.

 

? I dont understand why you are sorry to hear that, the discovery of ones true self is the only reason we are here after all no matter the truth. Feel sorry for the ones that dont know and are blind. Ignorance can be bliss though.

 

Ha!

Not laughing at you by the way, just that comment did make me chuckle.

 

Agreed . It actually puts a lot of pressure on our loved ones to expect they can provide answers , when really the best person to talk to is a professional , if you can afford it .

 

You are all bloody awesome. Keeping this going despite a testing football season again.

Best thread ever!