Bargain Hunt

of course, her mentioning cigar-sucking wimmin instantly brought Therese Coffey to mind, at which point i queasily started regretting that second dessert

 

For some reason the Diversion picture ended up as the Hi-Kick.

BBC approved preamble:
Harrogate 5
Bargain HuntSeries 63
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001dsjv
Danny Sebastian heads to Harrogate in Yorkshire, where experts Izzie Balmer and John Cameron assist the teams before they head to Beverley Racecourse for today’s auction. Danny also learns all about cricketer Wilfred Rhodes.

The Translation:
A Harrogate Antiques Fair is today's destination. Ear protectors are needed as it's Dogwhistle Dan murderin' the English Language. According to The Stranglers, Leon Trotsky got an ice-pick that made his ears burn. I don't know about ice-picks but listening to Squeakmeister for too long makes mine ignite. Eye protection is also needed here too as it's The Jimi Hendrix Experience lookalike contest in full flow. There's Squeaki Hendross on a lead making a Purple Haze, Foxy Lady Dizzie Izzie on Bass, and The Wind Cries Pompey Marine Boy on Drums. You'll need the ear protectors for the Auction as it's Foghorn Hoodoo Chide Hawley decked out in a suitably psychedelic genuine puke-coloured Korma monstrosity. Danny's Challenge, can you get to the end of the program without your ears bleeding.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Dogwhistle Danny Sebastian, squeak squeak squeak, rat-a-tat-tat
[Red Team Expert] Dizzie Izzie Barmy Balmer, another member of The 93%
[Blue Team Expert] John Marine Boy Cameron
[Auctioneer] Caroline Eye-Chafe Hawley pooouuunnnnddddssss thump, wearing her Signature Taser-effect Tartan
[Auction Location] Hawleys Auctioneers and Valuers, Beverley Racecourse
(Miserlin Rating: Approved)



The Teams:
[Red Team] British South Asian Father & obese student son unless he's a prop forward. He is very annoying.
(Challenge: Find on a dining table)
[Blue Team] Male student housemates, Jack & Jill
(Challenge: Find in a study or office)

The Shopping:
Reds: Handmade Ewenny vase (20) OK, 3 novelty metal signs (34) OK, Knackered Scales (75) OK.
Blues: Wall-mounted jukebox (90) Fine, Re-wired in a sympathetic way, slide-projector lamp (30 Challenge) topend, Upcycled i.e. sh1te industrial spotlight (20) Squeak tattastic, Good.

The Distraction:
Mystery object time. Eeek eeek eeek Cricket eeek eeek eeek eeek Wilfred Rhodes eeek eeek. <SOMETHING SAID ABOVE NORMAL AUDIO RANGE> eeeek eeeek Yorkshire!!!, Yorkshire!!!, Yorkshire!!!, eeeek, eeeek, retirement trophy, eeeeek, too stingy to give him a carriage clock. Dogs of the UK, and anywhere else watching, go mental.



The Auction:
Reds: Handmade Ewenny vase (profit), 3 novelty metal signs (small loss), Knackered Scales (largish loss).
Dizzie's BB is a Knackered steel filling cabinet (20), 20-40, 10, it's awful, it bombs. Dizzy, if The Squeak, likes it, then avoid like The Plague.



Blues: Wall-mounted jukebox (large profit), Re-wired in a sympathetic way, slide-projector lamp (loss), Upcycled i.e. sh1te industrial spotlight (evens stevens).
Marine Boy's BB is a Birmingham 1959 silver cigar cutter (40), 30-50, 65, decent buy.



The Aftermath:
As sure as night follows day, Hawley's Hammer the Auction Massacre. A real House of Horror and that's just the outfit. Hawley unable to get profits out of all bar the vase means the usual overall loss for the Reds. It's a learning process for Dizzie Izzie and she should realise that the only way to get a decent profit in a Yorkshire Auction is picking the right item that would appeal to an internet bidder. Blues do well with that Jukebox, the sh1tty industrial items (Dizzie's metal monstrosity included) make no profit and Marine Boy finds a very fine cigar cutter, which makes a nice profit. Hawley calls it "a MAN-tique", a huge faux-pas on the diversely twitchy BBC and she has to backtrack to add "or WOMAN-tique, depending on who wants to smoke cigars". An urgent future diversity course is instantly pre-booked for her.



The Hi-Kick:
Standard outdoor kick. The Squeak goes for a full on vertical splits crotch shot, deeply unpleasant. Dizzie's skirt wearing kick, is at the wrong angle for the full upskirt effect, while one of the Blues and the Stout Red son can't be arsed. Booooo.

​

 

But she should be and is instantly forgiven for ticking so many other photogenic boxes.

 

Wretch/reach for the sickbag.

 

The world's first walrus-to-female trans-species transformation, courtesy of a Tavistock Clinic sidehustle?
Love the detail of the splash mark down her front.
Wine? Drool? Third party sexual secretion?
Jeez, I feel lunch resurfacing...

 

Pearl necklace (Fnar, Fnar)

 

No Carlos Whisper today, but Forrester doing a great Pound Shop Elton today.

The fatty couple have massively overspent on that fish.

 

"I love fish!" cries Crumpled Lewis/Robert Morley's fatter brother.
Pfft. Yeah, only if stuffed with cheese, meat and cream.

 

As it came onscreen, I immediately said to my partner "Reg won't be able to resist that open goal."

She sourly remarked that I currently pay more attention to Reg's opinions than to hers and stalked off.

Another dessert snaffled.

 

Dear, oh dear, spunking 190 on that crap carp.

 

Blues deserved the Gavel there. How on earth didn't Boris get 12 quid for that table?

 

The combined weight of those four contestants is in danger of exceeding the 600 pounds they were given.

 

=== spunking 190 on that crap carp.

Second nightmarish fish in a week.
Remember that lamp/art thing the other day?

 

I think the reds tip over 600lbs on their own

 

BBC approved preamble:
Newark 11
Bargain Hunt Series 63
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001dss2
Christina Trevanion and the teams shop for antiques in Nottinghamshire with experts Thomas Forrester and Ochuko Ojiri before heading to Derby for today’s auction. Christina sees how a library in Nottingham is helping to bring centuries-old plants back to life.

The Translation:
Newark Showground in Sunny Notts is the destination as Sultry tanned Christina raises the temperatures even higher. Bringing the temperature right back down is Tubby Thomas bursting with bravado and bursting his shirt and Chuko, one of the more inconsistent experts. Auction is with crumpled James Lewis who has spent the night gazing at the stars on his back, crashed out in a field somewhere in the locale. Unfortunately, it does look like a fox has p1ssed all over him during the night.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Steamstress Christina Trevanion
[Red Team Expert] Tubby Thomas Forrester, the plump schoolboy, bursting out like a ripe boil
[Blue Team Expert] Ochuko Commando Chuko Ojiri, commando on top, let's hope he's not commando below
[Auctioneer] Crumpled James Lewis
[Auction Location] Bamfords, Derbyshire
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Obese mixed sex partners. He loves his fishing and looks like Welsh prop Samson Lee, and she loves her eating by the look of it.
(Challenge: Sea)
[Blue Team] BAME Male (BBC box Ticked) and non-BAME female Collegues, he's called Gnasher, gnash, gnash
(Challenge: To display something)

The Shopping:
Reds: Pearl necklace (Fnar, Fnar) (38 Challenge) nice even distribution, snigger OK, Bronzed model crap, I mean carp (190) ouch fingers destroyed, Enamel and silver brooch (17) Profit all day long.
Blues: 1940s wooden table (10 Challenge) Good, 1899 Silver-stoppered glass scent bottle (90) OK, Turkish amphora and stand (69) ouch, doesn't rate it.

The Distraction:
Christina visits an independant library, well let's face it, these are the only ones you are going to find these days after the Tories withdrew funding for Public Libraries and many of them had to close. Christina flicks through an old Herbarium tome and finds a sneakily hidden copy of Razzle. Is this strictly a Herbarium she asks as she finds a double-page Reader's Wives spread. Well it's certainly a HerBareAll-ium. The independant librarian turns a shade of beetroot and has to immediately hot foot it to the toilets for some further study.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Pearl necklace (Fnar, Fnar) (small loss), Bronzed model crap, I mean carp (big loss), Enamel and silver brooch (profit).
Tubby's BB is a Lea Stein lion brooch (55), crumpled doesn't like it, 30-50, 55, evens stevens.



Blues: 1940s wooden table (break even), 1899 Silver-stoppered glass scent bottle (profit), Turkish amphora and stand (big profit) just shows the breadth of Crumpled's knowledge.
Chuko's BB is Knackered wooden dough bowl straight from the bins (40), 40-60, 65. Decent profit, rummaging through the bins worked this time.



The Aftermath:
A real Ying and Yang auction. Reds bomb out with a big loss thanks to that bloody fish but the Blues hit paydirt with a 3 figure profit. Why did Tubby let that idiot by that crap carp. Apart from jewellery he really is proper crap like the carp. Chuko had one of his better days with the amphora and a battered bowl that made a profit. Who would've thought that amphora would check out on a massive wad. Somebody in Cyprus bought it so that figures.



The Hi-Kick:
Outdoor standard Kick in someones back garden. Christina's back on form with a good lick, everyone else hits par apart from wrecking ball Red lady who struggles to raise her leg.

​

 

Yer, Samson Lee and the wrecking ball.

 

That lovely vase for the colour blinded.

 

Fish Wellington made with butter pastry. Heart attack incoming.

 

He didn't rate the amphora which made a big wedge. He's not very good. He's obviously been on the crack pipe.

 

(Ethnic woolly) hats-off to Chuko today. Two seemingly binworthy bits of crap spotted and value-extracted. Thereby scoring bigly vs Crumpled Lewis, who apparently only has a keen nose for booze and nosh.

 

btw, hark at Christina, blatantly taking the mick out of the fat Reds' losing margin the end.
now, now. As Anita always says: there are no losers; only runners-up.
(But well done, Christina, rightly persecuting ugly lardies, as every pretty girl should do.)

 

Reds are upcycling tw*ts.
Sorrell clearly unhappy.
Must be gutted about the (lovely) BB too.

Love Richard's Blue cricket bats. Will anyone buy them, though?

 

How can that mirror go for that price, ffs?!

Oh, no; the bats...

 

Angry shouting at the screen to the max today.
Partner left lunch table, covering ears.
Another extra dessert!

Bizarre episode that demands deciphering by Reg. *crosses fingers*

 

McWitch: "Let me see your muscles" followed by her fondling them was really creepy. If that had been a male presenter there would have been an instant suspension or a visit from PC Plod.

 

Goggle-eyed transgressor: "I'm looking around, everybody is looking away from me in case I catch their eye." Shiver.

 

BBC approved preamble:
Warwick 31
Bargain HuntSeries 47-49 (40-Minute Versions)
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0006ph4
The British Motor Museum plays host to today’s programme, where experts Philip Serrell and Richard Madley help the teams find bargains to sell for profit at auction.

The Translation:
We're at the British Motor Museum for today's slightly shortened (by 5 mins) episode. McWitch flies in on her broomstick to do a passable impression of an old banger, stuttering, wheezing, and backfiring, well it's her age. Joining her today is freshly washed and waxed Reliant Scimitar, Madders Madley not Madeley and battered old Reliant Robin, Muttley Serrell. Auction is with seedy old kerb crawler Mark Ashley, the goggle-eyed transgressor, the Morris traveller with the stained interior and fold-down seats. His den of iniquity is at the appropriately named Bigwood which he'll have during his gloaming foray.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Anita McWitch Manning, the Glaswegian Baba Yaga
[Red Team Expert] Philip Muttley Serrell avec scarf de tat/cravatte de crap et pull-over de moth
[Blue Team Expert] Richard D1ckko Madders Madley not Madeley
[Auctioneer] Mark Ashley, lurking down the road in a lay-by, offering sweets and lifts to view non-existent puppies
[Auction Location] Bigwood Fine Art Auctioneers, Stratford-upon-Avon
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Male friends who are medical students, one of them, Dennis Pennis, wrestles and does magic, McWitch says she does tricks of a sort and after feeling his muscles (wretch) turns him into a toad to be toyed with later.
[Blue Team] Female friends who met at the DWP, the Sanction Queens, McWitch cackles in delight and invites them to stir the cauldron and then dally with the toad later.

The Shopping:
Reds: 1940s projector lamp (broken), more upcycled rubbish (100) ouch, Vintage map covered suitcase table, more bloody upcycling (rusting) (20) OK, Butter churner (old lump of wood) (80) might be a profit, (comments by Muttley).
Blues: World War I trench art (35) topend, 1950s silver dressing mirror, McWitch offers no reflection (36) topend, Stereoscopic slides (22) OK, the transgressor loves his 3D images.

The Distraction:
No distraction. That's where the 5 mins trimming went.

The Auction:
Reds: 1940s projector lamp (evens stevens), Vintage map covered suitcase table (decent profit), Butter churner (profit).
Muttley's BB is Royal Worcester Locke and Co pottery vase (34), 40-60, 20, LOL, poor old Muttley, his handpicked speciality bombs.



Blues: World War I trench art (large profit), 1950s silver dressing mirror, McWitch offers no reflection (largish loss), Stereoscopic slides (loss).
Madders BB are a pair of signed 1958 miniature cricket bats (40), 40-60, 20, poor Madders, his cricket-mad BB bombs too.



The Aftermath:
Curate's Egg Auction in wealthy tourist trap Stratford-upon-Avon. For the Reds, 3 dreadful items and a gnat's chuff away from a Golden Gavel. The Royal Worcester expert, Muttley, picks a rare Royal Worcester item, not too expensive, but it still makes a loss. Excellent work. LOL. The Blues had a strange auction with their not rated Trench Art making an excellent wedge while their other 2 rated items only went for a fiver each. Everything the creepy Auctioneer loved and rated for the Blues bombed, whereas the piece he was really sniffy about did really well. Shame about the autographed cricket bats.



The Hi-Kick:
Standard outdoor kick on grass. Plenty of false HA, HA, HA, laughing here. Everyone hits par (more or less), even Muttley gets pretty close, apart from McWitch who is suffering from broomstick calf and can barely air-step. The 2 Reds demonstrate head shots, but Dennis Pennis is spectacularly late.

​

 

It's time to keep your appointment with the Wicker Man!!!

This has been a Party Political Broadcast on behalf of the Scottish National Party.

 

A strange edition full of baffling judgments and subsequent results.
A match that cried out for a hefty dose of VAR* and duly got it.

*Value Adjusting Reg-o-meter

 

Terrifying screengrab of McWitch in a state of ecstasy! Mercifully not a full-length shot, thus concealing the exact placement of her broomstick.

 

hahaha!

"Mark Ashley, lurking down the road in a lay-by, offering sweets and lifts to view non-existent puppies"

Definitely looks like someone who enjoys sucking on a minty Viscount and nibbling a finger of Fudge.

 

Yer, he's definitely a purveyour of classic Werther's Original "when my grandad gave me his wonderful butter candy".

 

On no Cooper.

 

Some crap items for the Blues not much better for the Reds.

 

The Yeti strikes again. He is useless.