Bargain Hunt

Yeah but a 'guess the mystery item' spot, which beats a trip to a local 3rd rate museum to find out about how the art of making authentic wooden barrells is sadly dying out

 

I'm calling it now - those royal Worcester vases will fly under Hanson's gavel. Big profit incoming.

 

Old chemistry glassware on a stand. Oh dear oh dear. Genuine rubbish.

 

Classic Hellblazer Auction

 

Whoops

 

Oh dear the creepy Gary cinematographer item has bombed.

 

Really weak pre-credits sequence. The researchers must have been off with Covid for this particularly pisspoor effort. Guess where this Naseby episode is from. Duh.

 

BBC approved preamble:
Naseby 14
Bargain Hunt Series 63
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001dsch
Roo Irvine and the teams go antiques shopping in Northamptonshire with experts Gary Pe and Tim Weeks. Roo also brings along a mysterious antique to quiz the locals as to what they think it is.

The Translation:
The always delightful Roo Irvine has presenting duties again. Once again we have a paucity of ideas for the pre-credits sequence presenting some vague facts about the shopping destination. The village of Naseby, scene of a Civil War battle, the County is chock full of cobblers and home to the British Grand Prix. C'mon researchers you can do better than this. Talking of cobblers, she's joined today by the usually a bit crap Gary Peeeeeeeee and the usually reliable Treepants Weeks. The Auction is with Hellblazer Hanson in Derbys, an agreeable part in the labyrinth of hell. His current torment is online only bidding. Their suffering will be legendary particularly if Gary Peeee produces one of his special BBs. The tormented souls will be prevaricating over which tatastic items to blow their wads over.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Delightful Roo Irvine, full of Eastern Promise
[Red Team Expert] Gary BB is PP Pe
[Blue Team Expert] Timpole Tudor Wunderbar Weeks
[Auctioneer] Charles Hellblazer Hellbound Hanson, He'll tear your wallet apart, again. It is not bids that summon us. It is desire for outrageous profit.
[Auction Location] Hanson Auction House, Derbys
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Mother & Daughter, the latter is either very tall or Mum is very small. She's Dutch which explains why she is so tall. What's the weather like up there?
(Challenge: Made from wood)
[Blue Team] Retired female friends, one's into arts and cooking, the other likes to outdoor ski off cliffs. She's represented today by a phantom.
(Challenge: Play or play with, Fnarr)

The Shopping:
Reds: Oak umbrella stand (60 Challenge) OK, Pair of Royal Worcester Austrian-style vases (79) might struggle, Some lab glassware on a stand, which really has been rescued from a skip, genuine s-crap (32) topend.
Blues: Wooden poker chip and card caddy (30 Challenge) Good, Pair of Aluminium model planes on their stands (32) Good, 3 Royal Doulton Limited Edition Toby Cricketer jugs, one of them is boxing aficionado Batterer Boycott (75) topend. He mentions Godfather WG Grace and ****ie Bird but does not mention Geoffrey, LOL. Classic snub.

The Distraction:
Mystery object time. A serrated metal pronged instrument with a handle. It's an eel catcher. Eels, even more slippery than a Tory minister. Cue lots of East End Cocker-knee pics of people tucking into jellied eels. Does Roo fancy a bit of eel pie?, snigger.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Oak umbrella stand (nice profit), Pair of Royal Worcester Austrian-style vases (largish loss), Some lab glassware on a stand, which really has been rescued from a skip, genuine s-crap (small profit).
Gary's PP BB is Kodak 16 mm cine camera (40), Gary's been watching Michael Powell's Peeping Tom as he creepily zooms into the Dutch ladies, 25-35, 25, it bombs. Gary strikes again.



Blues: Wooden poker chip and card caddy (decent profit), Pair of Aluminium model planes on their stands (2 note loss), 3 Royal Doulton Limited Edition Toby Cricketer jugs, one of them is boxing aficionado Batterer Boycott (largish loss).
Treepole's BB is a boxed Danish silver brooch, nice item (48), 25-40, 28. That's a shame. The perils of the online Auction.



The Aftermath:
Nice seeing the lovely Roo charming us with her presenting skills. Big thumbs up from me. Classic Hellblazer Auction. The bids. You started them. We came. Now you must come with us, taste our profits. No tears, please. It's a terrible piece of skipware. Unfortunately Punhead is not in his element with an online only audience. They will need to go to a Pompey auction where their suffering will be legendary. Surprised about the vases making such a loss. Some real stingy Yorks-style bidding on the Cricketing Toby Jugs. Gary's creepy cine camera bombed as expected but Timpole's nice brooch more surprisingly checked out as a loss.



The Hi-Kick:
Standard indoor Kick. All hit par and Red Dutch girls shows off her long lever. Yes, YES!!

​

 

Arrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh nnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooo. The Squeak is tomorrow's presenter. Arrrrrrgggggghhhh. Auction at Beverley Racecourse, Hawley Pouuuunnnnds THUMP too.

Eeeek eeek eeeeeeeeeeeekkkkk.

 

Metaphorically smashed to smithereens under Hanson's hammer.

 

Great spot, Reg, on the Geoff B no-mention snub.
Must be a backstory there.
Well done, Roo, for a succession of fabulous outfits.
Well done, Reg, for the pic of her fondly fondling a five-fingered flanger.
Gary PeeePowell thrusting his lens really was v creepy.

 

Really looking forward to tomorrow.
Memorable awfulness looms.

 

I'm being double-jabbed tomorrow around midday so I might be late reporting.

The awfulness will know no bounds but should still be good.

 

Cricket lovers of a certain age from the surrounding counties to Yorkshire usually hate Boycott with a passion. In fact most people outside Yorks hate Geoffrey big time.

 

Makes sense. I'm from Lancashire, and thus allergic to the bird-beating runout-inducing crease-clinging wazzock.

 

"I'm being double-jabbed tomorrow," says Reg.

And yet one might've hoped that all those sinew-stiffening years of watching both BH and Watford would've already rendered anyone immune to all bar ebola and the plague.

 

Re-wired in a sympathetic way. LOL

 

It's pounds you nonce not pound.

 

Roo does that too. So annoying.

 

Danny's shrieky squawky voice today...jeez...sounds like a murder of crows, being murdered.
And then being interspersed with Foghorn's flesh-shredding tones...
This episode is truly living down to expectations.
Should've been shown on Halloween.

Mind you, nice vase. And I'd have bought that jukebox.

 

Squeaky doing a fair job as presenter IMO. FogHawley to ruin it all now.

 

ha. the jukebox jury says 'hit'

 

Squeaki Hendross Experience

 

He's awful. My ears hurt. The dogs down the road are barking. Alot of card pointing.

Hawley murders that Auction. The Earth keeps turning.

 

Gindependent woman lol! Wot am I like xx

 

Hawley's auction aphawllling

 

'Pound' instead of 'pounds'.
'You was' instead of 'you were'.
And no trademark voodoo hat?!
D minus.

 

Natash would have disqualified both of those challenges buys I reckon

 

Much better than corpse Hawley when she steps up

 

Hawley is just horrendous

 

True. She's more wooden than anything she auctions.

 

POOOOUUDDSSSSS!!!!! THUMP

 

Enjoyed that. Shouted at the screen a lot, and viewing partner fled room after declaring 'no more Danny, ffs', so I got to eat her dessert.

 

BBC approved preamble:
Harrogate 5
Bargain HuntSeries 63
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001dsjv
Danny Sebastian heads to Harrogate in Yorkshire, where experts Izzie Balmer and John Cameron assist the teams before they head to Beverley Racecourse for today’s auction. Danny also learns all about cricketer Wilfred Rhodes.

The Translation:
A Harrogate Antiques Fair is today's destination. Ear protectors are needed as it's Dogwhistle Dan murderin' the English Language. According to The Stranglers, Leon Trotsky got an ice-pick that made his ears burn. I don't know about ice-picks but listening to Squeakmeister for too long makes mine ignite. Eye protection is also needed here too as it's The Jimi Hendrix Experience lookalike contest in full flow. There's Squeaki Hendross on a lead making a Purple Haze, Foxy Lady Dizzie Izzie on Bass, and The Wind Cries Pompey Marine Boy on Drums. You'll need the ear protectors for the Auction as it's Foghorn Hoodoo Chide Hawley decked out in a suitably psychedelic genuine puke-coloured Korma monstrosity. Danny's Challenge, can you get to the end of the program without your ears bleeding.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Dogwhistle Danny Sebastian, squeak squeak squeak, rat-a-tat-tat
[Red Team Expert] Dizzie Izzie Barmy Balmer, another member of The 93%
[Blue Team Expert] John Marine Boy Cameron
[Auctioneer] Caroline Eye-Chafe Hawley pooouuunnnnddddssss thump, wearing her Signature Taser-effect Tartan
[Auction Location] Hawleys Auctioneers and Valuers, Beverley Racecourse
(Miserlin Rating: Approved)



The Teams:
[Red Team] British South Asian Father & obese student son unless he's a prop forward. He is very annoying.
(Challenge: Find on a dining table)
[Blue Team] Male student housemates, Jack & Jill
(Challenge: Find in a study or office)

The Shopping:
Reds: Handmade Ewenny vase (20) OK, 3 novelty metal signs (34) OK, Knackered Scales (75) OK.
Blues: Wall-mounted jukebox (90) Fine, Re-wired in a sympathetic way, slide-projector lamp (30 Challenge) topend, Upcycled i.e. sh1te industrial spotlight (20) Squeak tattastic, Good.

The Distraction:
Mystery object time. Eeek eeek eeek Cricket eeek eeek eeek eeek Wilfred Rhodes eeek eeek. <SOMETHING SAID ABOVE NORMAL AUDIO RANGE> eeeek eeeek Yorkshire!!!, Yorkshire!!!, Yorkshire!!!, eeeek, eeeek, retirement trophy, eeeeek, too stingy to give him a carriage clock. Dogs of the UK, and anywhere else watching, go mental.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Handmade Ewenny vase (profit), 3 novelty metal signs (small loss), Knackered Scales (largish loss).
Dizzie's BB is a Knackered steel filling cabinet (20), 20-40, 10, it's awful, it bombs. Dizzy, if The Squeak, likes it, then avoid like The Plague.



Blues: Wall-mounted jukebox (large profit), Re-wired in a sympathetic way, slide-projector lamp (loss), Upcycled i.e. sh1te industrial spotlight (evens stevens).
Marine Boy's BB is a Birmingham 1959 silver cigar cutter (40), 30-50, 65, decent buy.



The Aftermath:
As sure as night follows day, Hawley's Hammer the Auction Massacre. A real House of Horror and that's just the outfit. Hawley unable to get profits out of all bar the vase means the usual overall loss for the Reds. It's a learning process for Dizzie Izzie and she should realise that the only way to get a decent profit in a Yorkshire Auction is picking the right item that would appeal to an internet bidder. Blues do well with that Jukebox, the sh1tty industrial items (Dizzie's metal monstrosity included) make no profit and Marine Boy finds a very fine cigar cutter, which makes a nice profit. Hawley calls it "a MAN-tique", a huge faux-pas on the diversely twitchy BBC and she has to backtrack to add "or WOMAN-tique, depending on who wants to smoke cigars". An urgent future diversity course is instantly pre-booked for her.



The Hi-Kick:
Standard outdoor kick. The Squeak goes for a full on vertical splits crotch shot, deeply unpleasant. Dizzie's skirt wearing kick, is at the wrong angle for the full upskirt effect, while one of the Blues and the Stout Red son can't be arsed. Booooo.

​

 

haha, yes, you could almost hear the producer bellowing into her earpiece:

Hawley calls it "a MAN-tique", a huge faux-pas on the diversely twitchy BBC and she has to backtrack to add "or WOMAN-tique, depending on who wants to smoke cigars". An urgent future diversity course is instantly pre-booked for her.