Bargain Hunt

Rejected, and cost us a lot more than £60.

ooh liddle bit o' politics laydeez and germs... i've been Ben Elton, g'night

 

Blimey. Christina was asked to lend a hand, and is currently tugging a signalman's lever.

 

Robert Jenrick's having a busy week...

 

Muttley hits paydirt with frog candlesticks. LOL.

 

Money, money, money.

 

Jenrick typically Truss Tory-useless when judging value there...
Well done Big Phil.
What an episode!
Even wfcmoog is surely going to admit that was worth today's BBC 50pence.

 

Hanson skipping like a loon.

Moog you're going to love it.

 

No recession in Wales yet then. But Christ if there was an argument for compulsory face masks being made permanent it's the other side of the Severn Bridge, they are an ugly race !!!

 

Yep. Watched in the office. Loved it. What a corker. They bought great items and got their rewards. Reds were a bit lucky with Phil's frogs, but an episode where a team loses but with GGs is always special. No real losers today.

 

BBC approved preamble:
Carmarthen 19
Bargain Hunt Series 63
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001djyw
Christina Trevanion heads to Carmarthenshire for today’s Bargain Hunt. The red and blue teams go head-to-head at Carmarthen Antiques and Flea Market in west Wales with the expert help of Philip Serrell and Charles Hanson. Who will buy the most profitable three items to take to auction? Christina visits the nearby Gwili Steam Railway and finds out how it has been preserved for future generations.

The Translation:
Hot sizzler Christina Trevanion is heading up a visit to today's venue Carmarthen Antiques and Flea Market in west Wales. She is aptly joined at the Flea Market by Fleabag Muttley, he turns to the camera, breaks the third wall, and opines whether he should take it up the arse. His partner-in-grime, is dapper Charles Dreamblazer Manson-Hanson full of joie de follie. Auction is with Robert Jenrick's dodgy clone who will hand the items straight into his back pocket.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Steamstress Christina Trevanion, Doyen of the dirty laugh, member of the 93% Club, good for her
[Red Team Expert] Philip Muttley Serrell avec scarf de tat/cravatte de crap et pull-over de moth
[Blue Team Expert] Charles Madness, madness, they call it madness Manson Hanson avec BB de folie
[Auctioneer] Stuart Jenrick Maule, The UnderEstimator, he'll be thwack!!! Part of the Fark you arseh0le parliamentary ethics Gold Standard committee
[Auction Location] Stroud Auctions
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Partners Lecturer (BAME BBC box ticked) and Fashion designer
(Challenge: Scientific)
[Blue Team] Married Twitcher Risk Consultant and Civil Servant
(Challenge: Musical)

The Shopping:
Reds: Boxed Royal Doulton Horse racing plate (9) Good, Boxed Transatlantic telegraph wire testing kit (95 Challenge) Struggle, Vintage Esselte Lisa 30 typewriter with bag (12) OK.
Blues: Boosley RAF Cornet (20 Challenge) OK, Japanese Meiji cabinet (115) topend, Rococo silver bon-bon dish (29) an absolute bargain says Jenrick as he sneaks it into his back-pocket.

The Distraction:
Christina visits the nearby Gigantic Wili Steam Railway. "It's magnificent", she says. "I'll be getting hands-on in the signal box". Eyebrows raise. "I turn my hand to anything". The volunteers are now queueing round the block. She dresses up, tugs some stiff levers and the large engine is ready for pumping. "I'm going to take my hat off, because it's a bit big", "Show me the ropes, John". Other things raise. "My goodness, that takes some serious tugging". Finally, "Well, thank you for coming". Later, the Locomotive is readied and trundles along the track.

​

"I love you Butler."

​

The Auction:
Reds: Boxed Royal Doulton Horse racing plate (small profit), Boxed Transatlantic telegraph wire testing kit (loss), Vintage Esselte Lisa 30 typewriter with bag (decent profit).
Scruffy's BB is a Pair of brass frogs on marble base candelsticks (90), 50-80, 280, Muttley hits paydirt.



Blues: Boosley RAF Cornet (decent profit), Japanese Meiji cabinet (nice profit), GG incoming?, Rococo silver bon-bon dish (good profit) yup, Golden Gavel.
Hanson's BB is a Chinese marble-topped wooden urn stand (136), 60-100, 170, decent find Charles.

​

The Aftermath:
Wow. Both teams have 3 figure profits. Reds have Muttley's big BB to thank for victory. Scruffy was useless in finding something scientific and settled on something far too obscure and expensive. However, like a stopped clock telling the right time twice a day, he hits paydirt on some brass frog candlesticks which ignite the auction. Meanwhile, Skipping Hanson had a great day. Decent profits on all his teams items and a decent profit on an expensive BB. It wasn't quite enough for victory but I'm sure their Golden Gavels will be soothing balm to them.



The Hi-Kick:
Standard Indoor Kick. A tad uncoordinated. Red Girl's kick demonstrates she has a decent Growler in her locker. Muttley barely rises to the occasion as per normal. Hanson and Blue bloke really give it some. Yes, YES!!

​

 

I think you'll find this is total b0ll0cks.

However, there are some stunning beauties in this part of the UK. A gorgeous English Rose in full bloom.

 

A great episode, matched by a great write-up, and with serial filth from Our Christina. What more could one want, in a week already mightily cheered up by Luton being in mourning? And it's 70 degrees out too. Pints allround.

 

And Cigars.

 

A pint, a cigar, and a Christina.
And yet philosophers have wasted millennia pondering the key to happiness...

 

hoohoo: Dr Evil, Foghorn, and Tim Weak all on duty today.
Reg licking lips and pencil.

 

Blimey.
"I'm in shock!" gasps Red girl after one of her lots. We all were, luv.

 

What a contrast. Foghorn and a near 3 figure loss and Timpole's massive near 300 pound victory and golden gavels too.

 

Yeeeeaaahhh, replied Red Girl ending every sentance.

 

What a crushing scoreline!
The equivalent of, say, someone beating a close rival 4-0.
If only we somehow knew what that felt like...

 

BBC approved preamble:
Ardingly 26
Bargain Hunt Series 63
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001dj5r
Charlie Ross presents today’s show from Ardingly Antiques Fair in West Sussex. Experts Caroline Hawley and Tim Weeks are on hand to help the red and blue teams as they compete to make the most profit when their items are sold at auction. Charlie also visits Wings Aviation Museum to discover how parachute silk was used to make maps, underwear and even wedding dresses during the Second World War.

The Translation:
"We want Charl-eh, Charl-eh the fool. Queer old Charl-eh, being a tool. We want Charl-eh, everybody scream. We want Charl-eh the fool."
Joining the pink-shirted and MCC-banded hat posh t1t at tropical Ardingly/Ardinglie Antiques Fair in West Sussex will be human parasol Treepole Weeks and Medusa's arseh0le Foghorn Hawley, one look at her outfit, Retro Chundertw@ts this week, and you'll be turned into stone, which could then be used as a garden planter or birdbath. Auction shenanigans will be in the cool Cranbrook cave of Dr Evil's hideaway.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Omnifool Charlie Ross, the twit's twit, his brain is a vacant cartouche
[Red Team Expert] Timpole Tudor Wunderbar Weeks
[Blue Team Expert] Caroline Domestos Hawley, kills all known profits, Thwack, DEAD, premiering an exclusive from her Green Death Maggot Tartan collection
[Auctioneer] Raj Dr Evil Bisram
[Auction Location] Bentley's Auction Rooms, Cranbrook, Kent
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Engaged (as oppsed to vacant) commercial manager and financial advisor, she says yeeeahhh alot
(Challenge: Decorative ceramic)
[Blue Team] Diversity and inclusion lead (BBC box ticked) and her BAME builder (BBC box ticked) couple, what on earth does he see in her.
(Challenge: Decorative glass)

The Shopping:
Reds: Delphis Poole pottery Green vase (20 Challenge) OK, Cricketers amusement arcade game (95) should be OK, 2 Squeak-inspired skipware champagne crates (18) profit says Raj.
Blues: Carved Sandalwood elephant (30) topend, Heron Glass apple (8 Challenge) Profit says Dr Evil, Teak G-Plan Nest of Trouble Tables (105) in vogue with the youngsters, ouch fingers burned.

The Distraction:
The Posh fool investigates a WWII silk parachute turned into a wedding dress and some silk escape maps. Charl-eh confesses he's wearing silk drawers made from discarded Japanese Headband Hachimaki Bandanas. The feeling of smooth silk on his nether regions, gives him divine wind that make his eyes glaze over, then his head spins and an an unbleachable stain appears.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Delphis Poole pottery Green vase (small profit), Cricketers amusement arcade game (big profit 205!!!) GG incoming, surely, 2 Squeak-inspired skipware champagne crates (large profit) Golden Gavel.
Timpole's BB is a Chad Valley Roulette Wheel with it's Hitler monorchism pill (10), 20-30, 18, nice profit. Good steady buy.

​

Blues: Carved Sandalwood elephant (loss), Heron Glass apple (small profit), Teak G-Plan Nest of Trouble Tables (huge loss).
Headache's BB is an Art Deco Birmingham 1931 silver ink well with vacant cartouche (50), 30-50, 50, evens stevens. The Fall sings, No profits for John Quays-ah.



The Aftermath:
From the ridiculous to the sublime. Dutch auction nest of tables bombed beyond belief. Excellent work Headache. Your Anti-Midas Touch results in a near 3 figure loss. Awkward Auction room full of skinflints. No. Timpole's Red Team made profits on all their items, including a fabulous 205 pound profit on that unusual Penny Cricket game. A huge 270 profit and a Golden Gavel to boot.



The Hi-Kick:
Outside conventional Kick. Great effort from everyone. Excellently coordinated. Yes, YES!!!!

​

 

Hawley: "I wouldn't mind sitting on top of that". Cringe

 

Uncle Eric: "Brace yourself, everybody, Serrell's up there with his gavel"

 

Am wondering what the record BH loss is on a single item...

 

BBC approved preamble:
Malvern
Bargain Hunt Series 47-49 (Shortened Versions)
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0005y67
Today’s show comes from the Three Counties Showground in Malvern.
The teams are scouring the fair in the hope that they will make a profit at auction. Providing a helping hand are Caroline Hawley and Thomas Plant, whilst presenter Eric Knowles is overseeing the proceedings.

The Translation:
Uncle Eric starts in a Gents WC converted into a one of the smallest theatres in the world. Cue jokes about sh1te productions and urine today or out. Today, at the Three Counties Showground Flea Market in Malvern, he's joined by the p1ss-stained porcelain Tubby Thomas BogBrush and walking bidet Foghorn Flushchain wearing the fashion item equivalent of a skidmark. Today's Auction is with Muttley Serrell in one of the tightest most skinflinting Auction Rooms in the country, and that's saying something. He's the rough Izal toilet paper hardship in contrast to Hanson's soft Andrex luxury. Ugh, what a dreadful trio, just needed McWitch to make it a Bogey Bargain Bin Grand Slam . I'd take a sickie and knock off early if I were you Eric.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Uncle Eric Knowles, he adores a large sausage
[Red Team Expert] Caroline Headache Hawley, sporting her new blue/brown mal-de-mer collection
[Blue Team Expert] Tubby Thomas Forrester nee Plant, the plump schoolboy
[Auctioneer] It's Benny the Ball himself, Phillip Muttley Serrell with tailoring from Albert Steptoe
[Auction Location] Malvern Salesroom
(Miserlin Rating: One Star)



The Teams: It looks like a Halloween Goth/Emo Bargain Bauhaus special
[Red Team] Chums Eddie Hitler and Noel Fielding
[Blue Team] Housemates Tuesday Adams and Bloody Mary

The Shopping:
Reds: 3-piece cottage tea set (25) OK, 1920s silver photo frame (16) topend, 1920s Goldsmiths & Silversmiths solid silver cigarette box, useless Hawley nearly passes on it because she thinks it's plated, it's not, I haven't got my brain with me (95), Muttley pulls a face, not good.
Blues: Metal letter opener (10) topend, 3 plastic crustaceans LOL, what's next a poodle bog roll holder (10) bargain, Lindisfarne silver cream jug and sugar shaker strawberry set set (275) cough splutter, Muttley values at 100-150.

The Distraction:
None, short arse episode, so as a bonus, here is a link to the history of bog roll.

https://wellcomecollection.org/articles/XOsAeBEAAEMRUqpd

​

The Auction:
Reds: 3-piece cottage tea set (loss), 1920s silver photo frame (loss), 1920s Goldsmiths & Silversmiths solid silver cigarette box (small loss), internet bid, no takers in the room.
Foghorn's BB is a Classix Nouveaux WMF inkwell (25), 30-50, 35, tenner profit.



Blues: Metal letter opener (evens stevens), 3 plastic crustaceans (profit), Lindisfarne silver cream jug and sugar shaker strawberry set set (huge loss).
Tubby's 5 GBP BB are a pair of Georgian-style shoe buckles in marcasite (5), they were marked up higher but he did a deal and his arse doesn't come cheap, 10-20 (the price of entry to his wheel parker), 10, a rather flat Hurrah, as it scrapes a profit. Scrooge's wallet opens for a split second.



The Aftermath:
Dreadful Serrell auction as predicted. The only half-decent bids came from the internet and any items bought in the room were for loose change. So the Reds end up making a miserly loss. What were the Blues thinking, blowing their budget on one item at a Muttley auction where if someone spends more than a 100 quid in total then they get a nosebleed. Tubby Thomas should've steered them well away at that price. For once Foghorn gets outbadded by Tubby the plump gooseberry.



The Hi-Kick:
Regular outdoor on grass kick. Excellent Hi-Kicks from all. Tuesday Addams from the Blues was a little late but produced a mighty head kick. Yes, YES!!

​

 

I thing the strawberry set is the biggest one I've seen so far. It would have to be all the money at a Southsea, Serrell, or Pikeyborough auction to minimise the chances of a decent in-room bid.

 

Ha. When the prog opened in a khazi, I did think "perfect cross laid on for Reg to knock home".
Where was Tugboat Tommy's head when those gals spaffed £275?!
Even the big gay bears who sh*t in the woods know you don't give wimmin the chance to shop that big unconstrained.
Turn your back for a sec and they'll remortgage the house for a pair of Louboutins.

 

And yet Eric, clearly on autopilot, still said "well done" to both Tommy and his t*ts.

 

Still...Saturday BH bonus, so mustn't grumble.

p.s. good spot, Reg!
..."Eddie Hitler and Noel Fielding"

 

That was a quite spectacularly fruity teapot on display today, and I don't mean Tubby Thomas.

 

It's a French Foghorn as opposed to a Yorkshire one. shouting poooooooonnnnds. THUMP.

 

Dear oh dear. Some real rubbish purchased today. Should've been left in the bins.

 

Caption competition time.

 

BBC approved preamble:
Oswestry 7
Bargain Hunt Series 55
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000g6p1
Join Anita Manning and Christina Trevanion in the heart of Shropshire for today’s Bargain Hunt. The reds and blues search for bargains at the Antiques & Collectors fair at Oswestry Showground, with the help of antiques experts Kate Bliss and Ochuko Ojiri. Which team will make the most profit at auction? Anita also meets Per Lindstrand, a true pioneer who made history with his amazing balloon flights.

The Translation:
It's the 3 Witches Halloween special Bewitched style, no not the girlie group, but the classic 60s/70s US sitcom. Supersexy Christina is the gorgeous Samantha Witch, McWitch is Old Hag Endura, Trilly is Dotty old Aunt Clara with Chuko as the hapless Darren. The Auction is in Skaro with D1ck Dalek Special Auctioneer, who, on pain of extermination, has forbidden McWitch from entering Skaro Auction Rooms. However, Christina Trevanion is on hand and is exactly what The Doctor ordered as the Dalek's plunger is erected to 45 degrees to confirm approval. The pre-credits sequence features McWitch green-screened with some hot air balloons as Odious Fug. It would be more fitting for her to have some party balloons as her false laughing and slurring make her seem like a mad clown who's had a stroke.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Anita McWitch Manning, the Glaswegian Baba Yaga (Shopping)/Steamstress Christina Trevanion (Auction)
[Red Team Expert] Posh Kate Shrilly Trilly Bliss
[Blue Team Expert] Ochuko Commando Chuko Ojiri, commando on top, let's hope he's not commando below
[Auctioneer] Richard Emperor Dalek Winterton
[Auction Location] Skaro aka Lichfield
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Family members Sales engineer and choreographer
(Challenge: Find on a dining table)
[Blue Team] Father & Daughter, He's Gawy, welease Bwian
(Challenge: Maker's mark)

The Shopping:
Reds: Novelty, in other words hideous, genie teapot (20 Challenge) topend, Laurel and Hardy plaster heads (75) might struggle, Tatty French wine tasting vessel (5) OK.
Blues: Edinburgh Crystal cat paperweight with a maker's mark (17 Challenge) might struggle, Early 20th-century enamelled lampshades (48) topend, 4 folding chairs put out for the bins (120) ouch, fingers well burned.

The Distraction:
McWitch successfully tries out her new sex change spell on Angela Merkel to produce Alan Makel who makes balloons. He unsuccessfully drowned Richard Branson in the Atlantic Ocean in the 1980s in a balloon crash which spawned the famous phrase "Bring out the Branson".

​

The Auction:
Reds: Novelty genie teapot (small loss), Laurel and Hardy plaster heads (loss), Tatty French wine tasting vessel (nice profit).
Trilly's BB is a 1916 Birmingham George V silver dish (Trilly tick) (25), 10-20, 30, a fiver. A profit's a profit.



Blues: Edinburgh Crystal cat paperweight with a maker's mark (2 quid loss), Early 20th-century enamelled lampshades (largish loss), 4 folding chairs (big 75 loss).
Chuko's BB is a set of 4 Victorian poison bottles (5) for them all to drink after this disastrous performance, 5-10, 20. Decent profit but a drop in the ocean compared the big stonking overall loss.



The Aftermath:
Small overall profit for Trilly led Reds. Big 3 figure loss for Chuko's Blues including 2 items of prime Squeak/Muttley industrial style skipware. Some really tatty sh1te bought today.



The Hi-Kick:
For some reason, Christina barely lifts her leg up. Perhaps she had a tiring night. Everyone else hits at least par with Red and Blue Girls hitting the heights with the former doing an impressive Growler kick.

​

 

"...false laughing and slurring make her seem like a mad clown who's had a stroke."

 

Trilly prepares to plunge in search of a bargain c*nt?