Bargain Hunt

BBC approved preamble:
Newark 25
Bargain HuntSeries 47-49 (Shortened Versions)
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000f9s6
Today the show comes to you from a very rainy Newark! Charlie Ross is in charge with experts Charles Hanson and Philip Serrell aiding the teams as they battle against the elements to bag themselves a bargain and make a profit at auction. Charlie pops into town and pays a visit to the National Civil War Centre, where he learns more about Newark’s historical importance in the conflict.

The Translation:
It's a single episode short-arsed variant in p1ss1ng-it-down Newark (the ARK part being very prescient). In desperation to find something for the pre-credit sequence with the possibility of prancing around in some items from the Production Teams "Costume Play Box", a little know fact about nearby Dukes Wood being the site of the UK's very first oilfield emerges. This has the posh t1t chewing the scenery in a Dallas-style opening, with CR Eew-ing the BH Baron of Bric-a-brac, and his Knick-knack empire chums, Sue Ellen Hanson with his drunken-state follytastic puchases, and prodigal returner Bobby Serrell, who will die at the end of the shopping and then miraculously return from the shower in time for the Auction. I know, that's much too far-fetched, Muttley having a shower. Auctioneer is Digger Barnes Rees-Mogg, Nanny get these ghastly Americans out of my showroom. Let's hope we can write this all off as a dream later.

​

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Omnifool Charl-eh Ross
[Red Team Expert] Philip Muttley Serrell avec scarf de tat et pullover de moth
[Blue Team Expert] Charles Madness, madness, they call it madness Hanson avec BB de folie
[Auctioneer] Nigel Rees-Mogg Kirk, Nanny there's Riff-Raff in my Auction Room
[Auction Location] Mellors & Kirk Auctioneers, Sniff Nottingham Sniff
(Miserlin Rating: One Star)

​

The Teams:
[Red Team] Best Retired Female friends, one of whom is on crutches, so immediately garners the sympathy vote, she fell walking while fell-walking, she's also in the WI amd loves playing darts, they also make exhausts for military cars, this is the most eclectic set of interests ever seen on BH.
[Blue Team] Son and mother-in-law, cue lots of Les Dawson jokes, he's a former supermarket manager who now stays at home looking after his 6 children, must have been as part of a special offer.

The Shopping:
Reds: Stoneware spirit barrel (15) bargain, West German fat lava lamp (20) there's an exact same one of these on Etsy for 156-15 GBP!!!!!, sniff sniff pure disdain but good price, Sheffield silver sugar tongs (35) probably OK, nicely sniff made sniff.
Blues: Wooden oak box (50) led by Hanson, will it sink like Lead, struggle sniff, Art Deco Grimwades Bysanta jug (25) OK with a sniff, Wrought iron covered garden swing (50), quirky, interesting, sniff, but with no age, very reasonable.

The Distraction:
None.

The Auction:
Reds: Stoneware spirit barrel (nice profit), West German fat lava lamp (evens stevens), Sheffield silver sugar tongs (evens stevens).
Muttley's BB is a mountaineering ice pick and pair of exercise clubs, real jumble sale items (45), sniff "nicely patinated" sniff "pieces of treen" sniff, 20-40, depends on how tight the audience is, this place has been very crap in the past, REJECTED, 60. Muttley scores a winner.



Blues: Wooden oak box (loss) Hanson-directed Dud, Art Deco Grimwades Bysanta jug (profit), Wrought iron covered garden swing (good profit).
Hanson's BB is a 1980s Globe Chair (100), stand by for looking down the nose sniffy comments, 80-120, 160, excellent find Charles.

​

The Aftermath:
Awful weather so only the hardcore dealers present. However, there is scope to get a real bargain in the pouring rain. We had a very wet shop contrasting with a very dry, formal Auction with Rees-Mogg. Unbelievably, both teams made an overall profit. Normally, it's a profit graveyard. One of the Red team kept making excited yelps when 2 of their items just broke even. Good job no enormous profits were made or she would have wailed like a Banshee. A good day for Hanson's Blues, a real dud with the box but a good find with the swing and an excellent BB with the globe chair.



The Hi-Kick:
Standard indoor kick. Hanson is very late. Muttley almost makes 90 deg. Unbelievable.

​

 

Here's the same lava lamp on Etsy. 156 quid. Gulp.

 

Yup, not a bad episode. Plenty of shouting to be done at the screen.

 

Well done Reg for giving a full review, packed with phrases to savour, of an episode that was a Programme Of Restricted Growth. And on a Saturday too.

What a tremendous free cultural service this is. Like an NHS for TV victims.

 

BBC approved preamble:
Grey Abbey
Bargain HuntSeries 47-49 (Shortened Versions)
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000zgq9
Anita Manning and the team pay a visit to Grey Abbey in Northern Ireland. Experts Ben Cooper and Charles Hanson lend a hand to the teams as they race around the high street pursuing potential purchases for profit at auction.

The Translation:
As her broomstick as at the local branch of the Warlocks for repair, the pre-credit sequence features McWitch on a souped-up mobility scooter as the Ace of Spades blares out. Careful now or your black pointy hat might blow off. It has and she has to wear her upturned cauldron as a makeshift helmet. It's not quite as cringeworthy as when she was a blinged-up Hip-Hop/Rap artist but it's not far off. Haven't covered or even seen a show from this locale before, Grey Abbey is very much a Grey Area for the Grey Matter. It's in the other place over the water. It's safe enough for McWitch to present there as she's already undead. Acres and acres of broomstick parking with only about 200 pages of Red Tape to negotiate because of the sticking plaster of the NI protocol over the soon-to-burst festering Brexit boil or should that be Boyle. She also knows how to blend in by dressing up as the Sylvester McCoy Doctor Who's demented sister who's just had a big sneeze. Anyway, she's joined by Carlos Wispa and Amazing Technicolour Dreamblazer Hanson in a remake of The NottSoGood, The Mad, and the Haggly. Auction is at the Sash and Bowler Auction rooms with Daaaaaniel Claaaarrrk who makes a Presbyterian minister seem like Gok Wan. Let McWitch's slurring and strained false laughing commence.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Anita McWith Manning, the Glaswegian Baba Yaga
[Red Team Expert] Useless Ben Cooper, the Poundshop George Michael
[Blue Team Expert] Charles Madness, madness, they call it madness Manson Hanson avec BB de folie
[Auctioneer] Daniel No Surrender Clark
[Auction Location] Ross's Auctioneers and Valuers, Belfast
(Miserlin Rating: Approved)

​

The Teams:
[Red Team] Best female friends, one collects alot of tat, so well suited.
[Blue Team] Dad & Daughter, he's retired and she's a senior recruitment consultant.

The Shopping:
Reds: A wee turn of the century mahogany cash till (25) bargain?, Period framed engravings of the 4 seasons (195) cough splutter, 2 Spelter figures (68) slim margin for profit.
Blues: Bank of Ulster George Best approved five pound drinks voucher in presentation cover (12) OK, up-cycled Welsh tat coat stand (20) daylight robbery? he doesn't rate it, Kids fire engine pedal car with helmet (84) could well struggle.

The Distraction:
None.

The Auction:
Reds: A wee turn of the century mahogany cash till (good profit), Period framed engravings of the 4 seasons (loss wiping out previous profit), 2 Spelter figures (small loss)
Hanson's BB, only left with 12 notes to spunk-up-the-wall, is a Charles II 1683 The Protestant Reconciler book (12), should go down a storm in one half of the location, 8-10, 50, great item Charles.



Blues: Bank of Ulster George Best approved five pound drinks voucher in presentation cover (good profit), up-cycled Welsh tat coat stand (loss), Kids fire engine pedal car with helmet (small loss).
Carlos' BB is a Silver and enamel pillbox, no not one of those concrete ones you find at checkpoints (10), 60-80, either a bargain or a poor estimate, 60, I have to say it, but pigs must be flying and Poundshop George has rootled out a top bargain.



The Aftermath:
Hanson proves again that if he is given a very limited budget where he has to think and haggle he can come up smelling like roses. Poundshop George on the other hand usually offers up a spray-painted turd mounted with a lolly stick but this time found a silver and enamelled peach of a buy. The 2 BBs meant both teams finished with an overall profit, a very rare event in the home of Ulster thrift.



The Hi-Kick:
Standard indoor kick. Great effort from Charles, par reached by Blue girl but everyone else is so p1ss-poor. McWitch barely gets her foot off the ground. I bet if you bet her a George Best fiver to get to 90 degrees then there would be no problem.

​

 

Good episode for a weekend today. Decent items, good bonuses, auction was a mid card affair.

Massive overspend on the etchings but otherwise seem sensible buys all round. The fact that the blue girl wanted to reject Ben Club Tropicooper's 10 quid powder compact could have been the dumbest call ever.

 

I see from Reg's write up it was a pill box not a powder compact.

 

=== "The NotSoGood, The Mad, and the Haggly."

 

Def Leppard/goat hybrid on the red team.

John Cameron's estimates all seem reasonable. Watch the auction fall flat.

 

Yep. Bargain silver bladed fruit knife, profit all day long should've been. Loses 3 quid. Utter turd auction.

 

100 quid hip flask. This is gonna bomb

 

My wife is getting so angry at Kate Bliss' intonation.

Travel clock. Paid 70 quid. No effing chance.

 

Only lost a fiver, despite some half arsed auction calling from Cameron.

 

Giant Merrigold Bandybuck the sole representative of the blues.

Loses 5 quid on their ridiculous knife box. That's a win.

Loses 5 on their ugly, grandma's record player

Got to make a profit on their glass bottle.

Like pulling teeth! Breaks even.

It's just a non event of an auction.

 

Gary had a crappy tray. Looks like it belongs in the skip.

Paid 20 quid. Can do alright.

Samwise Gangees says yes. 15 quid profit. Well done Gary.

 

A Stiff drink is needed. One of the teams made an overall profit in Pompey Peddle Palace. Uncle Eric sarcastically suggested they should have it framed.

What was that Red contestant. Was it an Alien?

 

BBC approved preamble:
Ardingly 20
Bargain HuntSeries 62
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001clc6
Ardingly in West Sussex is the location for today’s programme. Eric Knowles is in charge, with experts Kate Bliss and Gary Pe helping the red and blue teams, who have £300 to spend on three bargains. Eric also visits Portsmouth Historic Dockyard to learn about the ancient craft of wooden boatbuilding. As usual, the teams face profits and losses at the auction, but which team will come out on top?

The Translation:
It's back to Ardingly/Ardinglie Antiques Fair in West Sussex for the infamous Tatzan, King of the Jumble, Festival with Wreckless Uncle Eric headlining the main event joined by his support artists Trilly Posho with her Metal band, Tarnished Silver, and very inoffensive conjurer The Great Bizarrus aka Gary Peeeeeee, for some classic tuppenny-ha'penny tat tomfoolery. As we're in this particular neck of the woods it means the Auction will be down Marine Boy's way in Thriftmouth. "As usual, the teams face profits and losses at the auction, but which team will come out on top?" LOL, it's at Pompey, so unless pigs learn to fly, hell freezes over, salt blossoms, the moon turns blue, we arrive at the Greek calends, or when shrimps learn to whistle then the outcome will confirm that the Blood Transfusion Service will have more success at the south coast cliffs than at Pompey Penny Pinchers Paradise.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Uncle Eric Knowles
[Red Team Expert] Kate Trilly Bliss
[Blue Team Expert] Gary BB is PP Pe
[Auctioneer] John Marine Boy Cameron
[Auction Location] Southsea, Pompey, Pompey, Southsea
(Miserlin Rating: One Star)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Data modelling male friends one of whom has a weird scary permed blonde mullet. Aussie Albino Alien?
(Challenge: Musical connection)
[Blue Team] Male friends one of whom can clap one-handed
(Challenge: Decorative glass)

The Shopping:
Reds: Mother of pearl silver fruitknife (18) OK, Bronze bell (35 Challenge) OK again, 1876 Birmingham silver and glass hip flask, they'll need a drink after this (100) OK thrice.
Blues: Mahogany Knifebox (75) might be OK, Vintage Westminister radiogram (45) OK, Mdina Maltese bottle/glass (18 Challenge) good price.

The Distraction:
Uncle Eric descends upon Portsmouth Historic Dockyard to learn about the ancient craft of hitting someone over the head and taking them off to sea.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Mother of pearl silver fruit knife (small loss), Bronze bell (small profit), 1876 Birmingham silver and glass hip flask (largish loss).
Trilly's BB is a silver-plated travelling clock and leather case (70), oofff, 40-60, no chance, 65, a small loss, but she did say her heart ruled her head.



Blues: Mahogany Knifebox (small loss), Vintage Westminister Dustogram radiogram (small loss), Mdina Maltese bottle/glass (evens stevens).
Gary's BB is a Battered Art Nouveau brass tray, classic Dogwhistle Dan skipware (20), 30-50, a certain profit is predicted, let's see, 35, an enormous Pompey profit. Great find Gary.



The Aftermath:
Awful auction but we knew it was going to be this way. Pompey, is as bad as the Peterborough place from the other day. Even a BH staple, a decorated silver fruit/penknife for under 20 quid made a loss. Trilly knows about violins but not banjos. LOL, is that a euphemism. Shock horror the Blues make a fiver profit in Pompey. An incredulous event. Uncle Eric sarcastically suggests they should frame it.



The Hi-Kick:
Outdoor kick on uneven grass. Everyone more or less makes par without falling over. A steady effort.

​

 

Ben Club Tropicooper LOL. Also top work assigning Goat Boy and the Mongo twins.

 

Had she been on the sauce? It was complete no-brainer.

 

moog certainly nailed that poor Red chap:
"Def Leppard/goat hybrid"

 

Whichever team doesn't have those chairs has won. Crappy pompey auctions.

Reds smart to avoid Muttley's overpriced barrell.

Inkwell goes nicely. Chairs up now. Utter skip fodder. Paid 190 quid! What was Roo thinking. I think she's been got at. That's not her usual MO.

 

Roo has a tiny chair. Must be a midget in Pompey in need of a nice chair. Only a tenner paid. Got to be a profit.

Gonna have to go some to eat significantly into their massive losses. Makes a tenner. Good for a BB but won't sway the outcome.

Small loss of a fiver enough to win in Portsmouth once again.

 

Poor Roo. Having to deal with those Blue, fussy, dithering idiots, left with seconds to go and panic buying the sh1ttiest Parlour Suite you could have found in your nearest council dump. Pompey Auction is bad but not as terrible as yesterday's one.

Yet those awful tat-tastic upcycled shoe trees make a profit. Crazy.

 

BBC approved preamble:
Ardingly 21
Bargain HuntSeries 58
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000trbt
Charlie Ross heads to Ardingly for today’s Bargain Hunt. With the expert help of Philip Serrell and Roo Irvine, the reds and the blues battle it out at the Ardingly International Antiques Fair to see who can make the most profit at auction. Charlie also discovers the history behind Japan’s most famous and colourful garment, the kimono.

The Translation:
Today the posh fool imitates one of the 70s most annoying (shurely greatest) fools, Frank Spencer, the funny man half of the mighty Marks and Spencer double act. Today's scene of chaos, involving a dangerous stunt on some roller skates and a plate glass window, is at Ardingly International Antiques Fair. He is joined by Oooooo Betty, Roo Irvine, and cat's whoopsie Muttley Serrel. Today's Auction will be the usual mayhem for profits in Pompey with Marine Boy, Ooooo I'm a failure he opines.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Omnifool Charl-eh Charles Ross
[Red Team Expert] Philip Muttley Serrell avec scarf de tat, pullover de moth et gillet piq*re de puce
[Blue Team Expert] Delightful Purple-booted Roo Irvine, full of Eastern Promise
[Auctioneer] John Marine Boy Cameron
[Auction Location] Nesbits Antiques Auctions Ltd, Southsea, Pompey, Pompey, Southsea
(Miserlin Rating: One Star)

​

The Teams:
[Red Team] Married couple Train driver and Housewife
(Challenge: Connection to Asia)
[Blue Team] Mixed sex cleaning partners definitely not sex cleaning partners.
(Challenge: Ladies fashion accessory)

The Shopping:
Reds: Pair of Royal Doulton stoneware vases (75) struggle, Awful upcycled wooden shoe trees, rescued from the skip (15) he estimates a profit, LOL, Persian copper jug and bowl (38 Challenge) might struggle, probably will.
Blues: Silver topped glass inkwell (22) Ross thinks it's a steal, Marcasite Brooch (16 Challenge) OK, Panic buy damaged late Victorian sofa and chairs, Parlour suite (185), ooff, underestimated by a ton, oofff, they're farked.

The Distraction:
Charl-eh dresses up in a series of kimonos. He reminisces about his time being a Geisha many moons ago. His mind wanders and he is soon in a compromising situation with a pair of Sumo wrestlers in a paddling pool of olive oil. His eyes glaze over, his head spins and the kimono develops a new lower dark patination design which Japanese businessmen will pay top yen for.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Pair of Royal Doulton stoneware vases (loss), Upcycled wooden shoe trees (profit) amazing they're awful, Persian copper jug and bowl (loss)
Scruffy's BB is a sh1tty oak barrell stick stand, upcycled from landfill (65), REJECTED, 40-60, 60, a Muttley Dud.



Blues: Silver topped glass inkwell (good profit), Marcasite Brooch (small loss), Panic buy damaged late Victorian sofa and chairs, Parlour suite (huge loss) LOL
Roo's BB is a Mahogany child's doll chair (10), bargain, 20-30, it's Pompey blue too, 20, it makes a profit. Well done Roo.



The Aftermath:
It's cold outsite but your cardio cockle warmer is here with the always delightful Roo Irvine. Poor Roo she had a nightmare couple, bickering away, wasting time. They would have been better off not buying their third item, with so much dithering and fussy purchasing, they had seconds left for their big spend away from the main gaggle of stalls and had to buy one of the sh1ttiest items you could imagine. "In the Auction there are ups and downs" says the Posh t1t. It's Pompey so it's mainly downs. 3 whole profits out of the 9. Is this a record for Stingemouth? Both teams make an overall loss as per usual. Always grim here.



The Hi-Kick:
Indoor Covid diagonal, great kicking from the Blue half furthest from the camera, let down by a gammon-faced Muttley and the Red Team closest to the camera.

​

 

BIG GROAN.
Shrewsbury Series 58 means an Auction at Muttley&Sons. Serrell once had to chastise his own audience for being tight. Tubby Thomas as an expert too.
Not good omens!
Are we going to suffer a complete week of terrible Auction Houses?

 

Made in Hong Kong purse. LOL

 

Red chap says he loves his cheesy bell. fnarfnar

 

I see Tubby Tommy is in his facial hair mode today.
Adopted to help distinguish him from Modern Family's gay icon Cameron?

 

Truly, truly dreadful auction as predicted. LOL

 

"Who ate all the pies, who ate all the pies ......."

 

heh heh!
To adapt Rip Torn's line in Dodgeball, "he's eaten too many c**k-flavoured lollipops."

 

James Corden's long lost cousin.

 

Christina confesses she wanted to be Wonder Woman. Roger Moore's eyebrows raise.

 

BBC approved preamble:
Shrewsbury 13
Bargain Hunt Series 58
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000vcjw
Christina Trevanion heads to Shrewsbury for today’s Bargain Hunt. With the expert help of Thomas Forrester and Kate Bliss, the reds and blues compete at the Shrewsbury Flea to see who can buy the most profitable three items to take to auction. Christina also finds out about a local man who revolutionised the postal service.

The Translation:
Sex Siren Christina Trevanion gets us to congregate at the rain-sodden, stair-rodding, Shrewsbury Flea and Collectors fair for some itchy and scratchy fun. She is joined by the fragrant fumigator Trilly Bliss and fat rat Tubby Thomas, fit to bursting on all the tat that vermin love to gorge themselves on at today's overflowing bin centres. The Shrewsbury Flea needs a real fleabag Auction House and here it is at Muttley & Sons, with the severely fleabitten Scruffy Serrell. Gawd 'elp us. You thought Pompey and Pikeyborough were bad. Scruffy's circus even has it's Ringmaster calling its audience tight on a previous occasion. Yet another Pantomime, oh no it's not, oh yes it bloody well is. The profits are all left way behind you.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Temptress Christina Trevanion, you get so much more than you bargained for
[Red Team Expert] Tubby Thomas Forrester, the plump schoolboy, bursting out for Britain
[Blue Team Expert] Posh Kate Shrilly Trilly Bliss
[Auctioneer] Philip Muttley Serrell avec scarf de tat, pullover de moth et gillet piq*re de puce
[Auction Location] Titus A Ducksarse Auction Tomb, Malvern, Worcester
(Miserlin Rating: One Star)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Retied Husband and wife who met at a student party both dressed as Shirley Temple.
(Challenge: Ceramic)
[Blue Team] Retired married couple, he was the dodgy lodger at her parents barnyard B&B knocking shop.
(Challenge: With a maker's mark)

The Shopping:
Reds: Victorian oak crib, she just bought it without discussion, oh dear (50) OK, Jasperware-style Stilton Bell (95 Challenge) topend, Austin Reed gentleman's dress set in a leather case (25) OK.
Blues: Hibiscus pattern Michael Moorcock decorative plate (59 Challenge) OK, Arts & Crafts Smokers bow elm chair (55) topend, 9ct Gold locket and chain, Trilly special (75) topend again.

The Distraction:
Christina also finds out about a local man who revolutionised the postal service, the great postal reformer, Rowland from the Grange Hill Post Office. A local stamp collector asks her if she fancies taking a look at his First Class collection of letters From France. The sun is obviously in his eyes as he squints and winks in an odd way. Some of them are used and were attached to some bulging delivery items, he splutters. The newer ones need to be mounted in a special way by oral fixation. He is now positively foaming at the mouth in anticipation. Does she want to view his eye-watering Penny Black? Christina says she loves a Penny Black and gives one of her dirty laughs before politely declining. Freud would positively blush.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Victorian oak crib, she just bought it without discussion, oh dear (loss), Jasperware-style Stilton Bell (largish loss), Austin Reed gentleman's dress set in a leather case (loss).
Tubby's BB is a Danish white and gilt metal costume ring, found in the bin (20), 20-40, 20, evens stevens, a victory in Serrell's den of miserly misery.



Blues: Hibiscus pattern Michael Moorcock decorative plate (small loss, internet bid), Arts & Crafts Smokers bow elm chair (loss, internet bid), 9ct Gold locket and chain, Trilly special (small profit).
Trilly's BB is a pair of chrome-topped toiletry bottles in a leather case (28), 20-40, 30, 2 quid profit. A profit here is excellent work Trills.



The Aftermath:
Christina confesses that she wanted to be Wonder Woman. Cosplay aficionado's have several weeks worth of "material" here. Tubby likes bears or is it bares. He bursts his fly. Yet again, it's a Dutch Auction Scruffy special in deepest Malvern. Trilly's BB and directed-locket items are the only ones to make a small profit. Probably the worst Auction of the week but we all knew it would be. Both teams make overall losses. Trilly saves the Blues a substantial loss, but the Reds get a close to 3 figure Tubby-sized loss.



The Hi-Kick:
Outdoor Covid diagonal on grass. All bar Blue bloke make par on uneven grass in a co-ordinated manner. Decent effort without being spectacular.

​

 

As an aside, strict Natasha has been on Richard Osman's House of Games this week.
She's smashing it.