Bargain Hunt

Where's the Black Forest? Is it France? Errr no.

 

" You never know who's out there lurking" notes Hanson at one point.
Open goal gapes for Reg...

 

Dully Southy really is useless. Tubby missed the only item to make a decent profit. 2 useless "experts". Hanson was on fine form with that dreadful Primary School Art Project, Bee Head.

 

Those Vet students will know a gape when they see one.

 

Pretty sure I brought one of them cakes in Iceland.

 

I genuinely laughed. Has BH drawn me in that much?

One of those awful 'call the dealer' episodes. Even Hanson couldn't save them with his seemingly Covid peak auction.

The Geordie lasses were bantering endlessly. Hasn't Antiques Road Trip been up that way all week?

 

Charles Hanson is Frank Beebottom.

Next week, we'll have Harry Hanson Hornet.

 

I thought my (magic?) cepes mushroom omelette lunch was playing tricks on me as I looked up to see Hanson in that head.
Classic BH moment, tbf.

 

BBC approved preamble:
Heanor 29
Bargain Hunt Series 58
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000wwby
Heanor in Derbyshire is the location as experts Catherine Southon and Thomas Forrester help the red and blue teams spend £300 on treasures. Meanwhile, presenter Natasha Raskin Sharp meets Charles Hanson to look at the value of provenance.

The Translation:
Heanor? Where the eff is that. Isn't it something put on hair to make it redder? Or is it pronounced Heynore like a posh donkey. It's HeeeNaaaaaa. Anyway, it's between Nottingham and Derby. It's famous for being a hive of activity centred around the world-reknowned Matthew Walker Xmas pudding factory. Notable residents, George William Bissill, inventor of the carpet sweeper, Sir Richard William Barnes Clarke, famous for causing a headache if he wins any trophies that need engraving, The Howitt family, a local literary crime syndicate of 3 brothers and a sister, their illegal use of split infinitives has made them a target of the grammar police, Samuel Roper, brother of George who was married to Mildred, and last but not least, John Varley, prolific scorer for non-league Heanor Town, club motto "Ne Malum Audias Ne Videas Malum Ne Dixeris Malum" which translates as "Heanor Seenor Speaknor Evil", whose wife Rebuker was recently in trouble for telling pork pies about her neighbour Colon Rudeboy in the local rag. After the the Pre-credits hair feshitistic segment, Strict Natasha dressed like a BH Rule Puritan meets up at Heanor Antiques centre, the location of this Covid Apocalypse special. She's joined by two of the weaker "experts" Dully Southy and Tubby Thomas, BH's own Xmas pudding, who may be redeemed by Master Auctioneer Madness Hanson if he is on full Technicolour DreamBlazer form and the tat items aren't too rank.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp, Glasgow Southside enforcer, see profit Jimmie or else.
[Red Team Expert] Catherine Liz Truss Southon, super posh, super dull, super useless
[Blue Team Expert] Tubby Thomas Forrester, the plump schoolboy, bursting out like a ripe boil
[Auctioneer] Charles Manson Hanson, The Phineas T Barking of the Auction World, Bring on The Clown
[Auction Location] Hanson Auction House, Derbys
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Married mixed couple shop manager purchasing manager. He enjoys collecting malt whiskey. Strict Natasha's eyes light up. Time for a quick snifter?
(Challenge: Georgian silver)
[Blue Team] Female partners who are Vet students. Putting your hand up animals arses will come in useful for their relationship to blossom.
(Challenge: Victorian silver)

The Shopping:
Reds: George II silver sugar nips (48 Challenge) topend, slightly damaged, LMS railway candle trimmer/snuffer (19) Great, Memorial brooch (95) overspent.
Blues: Black Forest (they don't know where it is, sigh, France er no) Rabbitt head nutcracker (repaired) (95) overspent, Run Rabbit Run, LOL, Silver and Blue John bangle (20) Tubby missed it, good price, 1899 Birmingham silver soldier sugar spoon set (94) overspent.

The Distraction:
The Duke of Wellington had some pubic hair snipped off which is now worth a fortune. There are letters to prove it. Somme belt buckles, sketch books from Dominic West, when he worked on The Wire, make a bundle at an ephemera auction. The pureest of pure filler item.

​

The Auction:
Reds: George II silver sugar nips (small loss) slightly damaged, LMS railway candle trimmer/snuffer (one squid profit), Memorial brooch (largish loss).
Dully's BB is an Etched blue glass soda siphon (40), 20-30, but has it got fizz, have a pop, ho ho, 28. Dully Dud. Useless.



Blues: Black Forest Rabbitt head nutcracker (repaired) (loss) Rabbit snared, Silver and Blue John bangle (good profit), 1899 Birmingham silver soldier sugar spoon set (largish loss).
Tubby's BB is a pantomime-style Bee Head rescued from a bin (30), 20-40, LOL Hanson wears it, he looks like Frank Sidebottom's mate, Hanson works his magic, plenty of bee puns, 40. A profit. It's crap though. Looks like a primary school art project. Next episode, Tubby finds some thumbpots and a Tie-dyed peg bag. Tubby knows his pegging paraphernalia.



The Aftermath:
Dully's directed Reds made a substantial loss to confirm her status as one of the worst experts/auctioneers.
Tubby's fat eyes missed the object that made a profit, which helped the Blues to a small overall profit. That Bees head papier mache art project was something you didn't want to put your head in. Lordy knows where it's been or what's been living in it



The Hi-Kick:
Indoor Covid diagonal. Strict Natasha gives us a text book Growler kick. The Blue Geordie girls (sounds like a kids TV programme for the impoverished) impress with high kicks, the Red Team pair under-impress with a weak effort. Dully gives us her scary clown face. Shudder.

​

 

Urgh that horrid Chinese urn.

 

'Chinese'
But Eric allows it!

Certain DQ under Natasha and a fringe case for Omnifool Ross.

 

The reds have done well! I can't remember what their 3rd item was

 

Oh 20 quid CC - guaranteed profit

 

It's there! A GG. Well done Raj and the Reds as well as Beanpole Skinpants Weeks.

 

WTF - Raj overpaid for the balls.

 

Weeks ekes a profit. Digs them out of a hole.

 

Very rare to see a 3 figure profit. World class BH.

 

Periscope. That's gonna plumb new depths.

 

Blues deserved to go down to Davy Jones Locker or be disappeared by the regime. Awful couple.

 

BBC approved preamble:
Bath 18
Bargain Hunt Series 57
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000rh3w
Eric Knowles and today’s teams go bargain hunting at Bath racecourse. In the running with the reds and blues are experts Stephanie Connell and Raj Bisram, and weighing up the odds at the auction is auctioneer Tim Weeks. Eric is his element as he takes a look at some Chinese ceramics with an eye-watering hammer price.

The Translation:
Bath famous for Jane Austen, Roman hot tubs, and loud fat American tourists, is today's location. Uncle Eric, Dr Evil, and our Steph all gather at the racecourse for the latest tat jumble jolly. Auction is with Timhair Treepants in mythical Wessex. Decent experts, decent Auctioneer, if decent contestants then it should be a decent show.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Uncle Eric Knowles, as safe as houses, he does love a sausage
[Red Team Expert] Raj Dr Evil Bisram
[Blue Team Expert] Stephanie Connell, the Cockermouth Cumbrian, the Auction-world state-educated trailblazer, poster girl for The 93%
[Auctioneer] Timpole Tudor Wunderbar Weeks
[Auction Location] Wessex Auction Rooms, Chippenham
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Married mixed sex Nurse Manager with radical fringe and Lecturer
(Challenge: Fashion accessory)
[Blue Team] Married mixed sex couple Marketing Exec and Admin non-entities, she has a thing for cows, she looks like she could devour one whole
(Challenge: Chinese connection)

The Shopping:
Reds: Scandi glass vase, damaged (15) great buy, Vintage Omega wrist watch (130 Challenge) Timpole loves it, Clarice Cliff Bizarre crocus mustard pot minus lid (20) topend.
Blues: Triangular cow sign (35) small chance, Centurion tank periscope (80) struggle, Hideous Blue Chinese urn/jar (78 Challenge) might struggle.

The Distraction:
Uncle Eric looks at some ceramics at a local Chinese Restaurant, Long Wang Pu Pu Bird Foo. He starts off with a willow pattern bowl rescued from a skip filled with Danny Dogwhistle squeaky wantan overspend tat noodles, Large Muttley Balls with a Sweet and Sour Serrell messi-style sauce slopped over a long ceramic plate, followed by Hawley Tartan Chilli sizzling ribs to blow your brains out and brightly stain your underwear later. There's still room for Pompey style Lame Duck pancakes and he finishes with a stodgy Tubby dumpling in a plain white bowl. Cue much indigestion and a MSG headache or was that just the aftermath of the Hawley staining.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Scandi glass vase, damaged (nice profit), Vintage Omega wrist watch (huge profit, double your money), Clarice Cliff Bizarre crocus mustard pot minus lid (small profit) Golden Gavel achieved. Top shopping.
Raj's BB is an Art Deco boxed set of miniature bowls (from earlier as they loved them) (20), 20-30, 36. Excellent work Raj and the Reds.

​

Blues: Triangular cow sign (good profit), Centurion tank periscope (small loss), Hideous Blue Chinese urn/jar (largish loss).
Steph's BB is a Pair of Chinese carved wooden immortals (15), 25-40, Profit all day long, 40, nice profit. Another good item from Steph.



The Aftermath:
Excellent 3-figure overall profit for the Reds. That watch was a fantastic find by eagle-eyed Raj. The other items were good solid buys at a reasonable price, so as long as the watch made a profit then a Golden Gavel was on. Small loss for the Blues who took a punt with that vase and a tank periscope rather than playing safe. Mind you, that Chinese urn that did the damage was hideous. Steph almost pulled it out of the fire for them with a great bonus buy. Despite the Auction being online and with some phone bidders, the money was rolling in with some good gavelling. Well done Wunderbar Weeks.



The Hi-Kick:
Outdoor Covid diagonal kick on uneven grass. Tricky ****y Kick. Good attempt from everyone including Steph who doesn't reach par, but she is wearing heels on that ground, so is forgiven.

​

 

Tank you for that.

 

It was in a nice poncy box. They were virtually throwing virtual money in that auction, such a contrast to Poxy Pompey Penny Pinchers.

 

Is it plumb or plum? I'm not sure.

 

Plumb the plump plum.

New depths of plum would be something new from the Foghorn collection.

 

Big spending today. Have to say the stallholders were asking for quite heavy prices. Not sure even Hanson can save the blues.

Those lanterns and the music stand especially. Samovar could go either way.

 

That absolute geezer has tucked the reds up nicely with that pair of Habitat, Turkish looking vases.

 

Awful awful faux antique vases

 

Useless Cooper strikes.

 

Hanson is really struggling to stay positive today. Absolute massacre on all buys.

 

Homeless Hanson is wasted without a room full of rich poshos to overspend on tat during their day out to thr countryside. The online format doesn't suit him.

 

Dreadful episode. Gonna write to points of view to get this taken out of circulation. Don't wanna watch that on repeat.

 

superbly OTT reaction, moog.
You are so right re Hanson. Needs "the room", as does any clap-craving theatrical luvvy.

 

BBC approved preamble:
Newark 12
Bargain Hunt Series 62
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001ck93
Natasha Raskin Sharp and the teams shop for antiques in Nottinghamshire with experts Ben Cooper and Izzie Balmer, before heading to Derby for today’s auction. Natasha discovers how one publisher from the Regency period started a brand new toy craze.

The Translation:
Strict Natasha looks like an extra from a WWII resistance drama, Mischievous Nazis Cause a Mild Disturbance.. She hot foots it by night through the woods to get to The Enemy HQ, Stalag Luft International Antiques Collectors Fair in Newark, Notts. She has to outfox, not too difficult, Commandant Colditz Cooper, Achtung, he hess vays of losing you all your Reichsmarks. She is helped by Maquis Dizzy, whose stylish camouflage hat hides a nice collection of looted Nazi snuff and vesta cases. Auction is with Bazooka Hanson who's manoeuvrings in the Auction Room should blast the teams to Total Tat Triumph.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp
[Red Team Expert] Ben Bad Buys Ta-der-der Woo-Woo Cooper, the Poundshop George Michael, Kissing A Fool, Kissing Himself
[Blue Team Expert] Dizzie Izzie Barmy Balmer, another member of The 93%
[Auctioneer] Charles Manson Hanson, The Phineas T Barking of the Auction World, Bring on The Clown
[Auction Location] Hanson Auction House, Derbys
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Best male mates Broadcast technicians, are they are members of the crew who are filling in. One who is into war and stuff.
(Challenge: Comes in pairs)
[Blue Team] Mixed sex friends South Asian (BBC box tick), he is an insurance broker (stereotype ping). Their attempts to play a musical instrument and dance are just so so so cringeworthy.
(Challenge: Musical connection)

The Shopping:
Reds: Caithness apple glass paperweight (9) Bargain, Pair of Tatastic vases, Skip Resucue SOS, awful (85) Hanson's not impressed bomb-tastic, Walnut-fronted Cambridge Pye Radio (25) topend.
Blues: Pair of rust bucket oriental garden lanterns (80) well overspent, Brass samovar (65) struggle, Musical stand (150 Challenge) massive overspend, "let's hope it plays sweet music".

The Distraction:
Regency Toy Craze Toy theatres, Pollox Theatres for some Pollock Acting. Where's the posh t1t this time.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Caithness apple glass paperweight (profit), Pair of Tatastic vases, Skip Rescue SOS, awful (biggish loss), Walnut-fronted Cambridge Pye Radio (small loss).
George's BB is a Royal Crown Derby porcelain bowl (65), did you pay 5 to 10 pounds for it they ask, ha-ha-ha, 30-40, snigger, 35, it bombs, LOL.



Blues: Pair of rust bucket oriental garden lanterns (biggish loss), Brass samovar (profit), Musical stand (big loss).
Dizzie's 5 GBP BB is Royal Daulton advertising whisky jug, damaged (5), 10-15, Bargain, 9, small profit. Decent find.



The Aftermath:
Cooperman strikes again with another stellar performance to sink the Red Team, who finish with a substantial loss. The awful vases that even Danny Dogwhistle would have left alone in the bin and the nice but very overpriced Crown Derby bowl demonstrates that he has never had the knack and probably never will. Ultra-fussy ultra-annoying, Blue team, who took ages to buy some overpriced rubbish. Take that hat off you're indoors. What a disastrous shop. Izzie's Dizzy Direction towards alternative items floundered on stony ground. What a pair of dolts.



The Hi-Kick:
Indoor Covid diagonal Kick. Everyone makes at least par 90 with Strict Natasha giving us a High Growler. Yes, YES!!!

​

 

Felt sorry for Izzie. She was trying to direct her numpties to some saleable items but they insisted on buying overpriced rubbish. Cooper just gave us a real "phone that one in" masterclass type performance. Those vases though. Oh dear. LOL. What's to stop the contestants just running off with the 300 quid. Do they hold a member of their family hostage until after the episode?

 

BBC approved preamble:
Newbury
Bargain Hunt Series 49-52 (Extended Versions) Episode 8 of 15
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000jrxh
Eric Knowles leads today's proceedings from Newbury. Caroline Hawley and David Harper are the experts helping the reds and blues spend £300 on three items within an hour. Eric also finds out how Newbury was once home to the world’s largest peace camp.

The Translation:
Groan it's an edited double-ender. They really over-egg the military metaphors. Uncle Eric's drill seargeant voice is as convincing as Kabesele at Right Back. An extremely weak pre-credits sequence, think McWitch at her worst, as Uncle Eric pretends to be a drill seargeant for FogHorn and DayGlo before they start the episode proper at Newbury Showground. Tubby Thomas is the Auctioneer at Newbury Miser Moths Special Thrift Consevation Area. You have been warned.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Uncle Eric Knowles, he loves a sausage
[Red Team Expert] Caroline Foghorn Hawley premiering an exclusive fron the Star of Asia Squit collection
[Blue Team Expert] Dayglo David Harper, the 'Boro' Bano
Auctioneer] Tubby Thomas Forrester nee Plant, the plump schoolboy, bursting with pride and an agreeable lunch
[Auction Location] SOS Newbury, Miser Manor
(Miserlin Rating: One Star)

​

The Teams 1:
[Red Team] Male friends (no, not like that) the 2 Rogers who met at Imperial when they joined the Operatic Society, one of them should really be called Hammerstein then, one's a Tenor and the other a Fiver, <drum roll, cymbal crash>
[Blue Team] Old school friends who met at an old school, they are Seagulls, will they swoop to victory?

The Shopping 1:
Reds: Nasty gilded ruby glass brass chandelier (40) one of a kind, yes it is, Good buy, Accordion (100), ouch overspend, Brass weights (75) ouch overspend.
Blues: 19th-century fleabitten chair (100) fine, Travel trunks (38) OK, Silver mounted desk calendar (25) OK.

The Auction 1:
Reds: Nasty gilded ruby glass brass chandelier (profit), Accordion (largish loss), Brass weights (loss).
Foghorn's BB is Birmingham 1920s silver cream jug (55), 30-50, snigger, 35, it bombs, silver Foghorn Dud.
Blues: 19th-century fleabitten chair (big loss), Travel trunks (loss), Silver mounted desk calendar (profit).
DayGlo's BB is a Hindu brass piece of skipware (50), 50-100, 40, it looked a dud and it was a dud.

​

The Aftermath 1:
Hawley guides them to a substantial loss and her BB failed too. What were they thinking paying a ton for that tired accordion. Dayglo was even worse for the Blues with a failed BB and the awful fleabiiten chair. Firewood. Newbury Auction Boooooooo.



The Hi-Kick:
Not shown. Booooooooooooo.

The Distraction:
Greenham Common stuff at the West Berks Museum. Uncle Eric feigns interest but he's really thinking about a plump juicy sausage, well it is close to lunchtime.

​

The Teams 2:
[Red Team] Mother & Mountain Man Son, he's laidback, almost comatose says Mum, she must have been a nightmare growing up
[Blue Team] Sisters, stereotypical twins, so in demand on the escorting circuit

The Shopping 2:
Reds: Wall hanging (90) OK, Sledge (50) topend, shame the Blues didn't buy it then it could've been Sister Sledge, Victorian hat box with hat (100) struggle.
Blues: Oak corner cabinet (19) profit all day long says Tubby, Brass stamp box (6) OK, Table lighter (28) topend.

The Auction 2:
Reds: Wall hanging (largish loss), Sledge (loss), Victorian hat box with hat (loss).
Foghorn's BB is a Pair of brass kettle stands (60), 80-120, 45, another Hawley Dud.
Blues: Oak corner cabinet (loss) profit all day long, no it isn't LOL, Brass stamp box (profit), Table lighter (small loss).
DayGlo's BB is a Hat box which they hate (30), 20-30, topend, 41, well it makes a profit. That's OK DayGlo.

​

The Aftermath 2:
Another dreadful performance from Foghorn Forlorn. Significant overall loss again. DayGlo better this time squeaking out a small profit. His team didn't gamble and spent very conservatively. Newbury is pretty awful mind, not helped by Tubby Thomas.



The Hi-Kick 2:
Standard indoor kick. All a bit rushed. Even Uncle Eric barely makes par. The Curse of Newbury.

​