Watford FC 1-2 Manchester United - 15/09/2018

Discussion in 'Match Day' started by Clive_ofthe_Kremlin, Sep 7, 2018.


Outcome of match

Poll closed Sep 15, 2018.
  1. Watford win

  2. Draw

  3. Manure win

  1. Clive_ofthe_Kremlin

    Clive_ofthe_Kremlin Squad Player

    “Hornets are members of the wasp family and so have barbless stingers, allowing them to sting repeatedly”

    Next up with high expectation of easing to a win against “the likes of Watford (no disrespect to ‘em)” are those titans of marketing, Manchester United™®. The team which once claimed a worldwide support base of 659,000,000 people, or approximately one in ten of the world’s population.

    Whilst that figure might well be tinged with familiar Man United hyperbole, there’s no doubt that from Khartoum to Katmandu to Kingston-upon-Thames, the Red Devils are followed by an astoundingly large number of people. “Followed” in this sense doesn’t mean actually knowing anything about the team or even football in general. It means merchandise and lovely commercial sales opportunities. Shirts, badges, hats, tea mugs, keyrings, bags and every other sort of implement ever used in life is stamped with the familiar ugly, dumpy squat little logo and flogged off by the palette load to people who presumably labour under the illusion that having ‘Manchester United’ written across your chest will make people think you’re a real winner in life’s game.

    In fact, I reckon the life of a United fan must be pretty dreadful. Success is expected. Second is nowhere. To NOT win the league or a major cup in a season is a bit of a disaster. To finish outside of the top four and not qualify for the Champion’s League is a catastrophe. When they do win things, everyone just shrugs. Well, it’s expected. They won again. Whoop-de-doo. Let’s give the boys a big cheer everyone. They miss out on the crazy ecstasy and joyous endorphin release we get from seeing our golden boys do the unexpected and win against the odds and all expectations. They get none of that.

    But when they lose, the other 9 in 10 of the world’s population takethepiss mercilessly. Whoever they’ve lost to is likely to be a smaller club and so it’ll nearly always be an embarrassing giant killing. Who amongst us hasn’t joined in a rousing Monday morning office chorus of ‘Glory Glory Man United!’ aimed at a head-down, scuttling United supporting colleague, following their latest shambolic cup defeat to Littletown Albion FC or whoever? I really don’t see where they get their thrills from. It must be a sad and lonely life.

    Season so Far

    There’s been plenty of Monday morning scuttling for United fans so far this season as the mighty egos and overbearing ‘soccer personalities’ who make up their playing staff clash with the assorted snakes, worms, speculators, marketing men and money-hungry camp followers who cluster around them like flies round Kenilworth Road.

    They started out with a fairly routine 2-1 win at home to Leicester on opening day , before taking a tame 3-2 whupping at the hands of Hornet-humiliated gull botherers, Brighton. More despair and disquiet in downtown Dhaka, Delhi and Dorking followed when they capitulated to an embarrassing 0-3 home humbling handed out by the feeble, sinking Spuds.

    It’s not all bad news though. With United floundering around the bottom of the table, the pressure was really on last time out in their crucial relegation six pointer with fellow strugglers, Burnley. They managed to come through it with flying colours, giving themselves a little breathing space above the relegation zone with a hard-fought 2-0 win. This came despite a comically missed penalty and at the cost of losing star forward Marcus Gashford, who cracked under the relegation pressure and was sent off for violent conduct.


    Pogba, P

    Under the terms of his contract and in accordance with premier league regulations, any review of the team or corporation must almost certainly give pride of place to bloated hyper-ego and swaggering bombastic narcissist, Proud Paul Pogba. When your star player cost £90 million and has stars shaved into his head, you know you’re in trouble. Paul’s currently banging big heads with fellow self-important braggart, manager Jose Mourinho. He says the reason he was rubbish against Brighton was because “My attitude was not right”. Disarmingly frank, but must be a bit of a disappointment to pay so many millions and then the chap can’t really be bothered. Both Pogba and Mourinho apparently can’t bear to live amongst the mancs, even the posh ones in Cheshire, and so both live at a luxury hotel. Pogba lives on the third floor and is the subject of complaints from other guests regarding ‘loud hip hop music’ played at all hours and then in the early hours of the morning, lots of giggling and what’s described as “unmistakable moaning and groaning” as Pogba presumably self-abused in a full length bedroom mirror. One guest complained “It sounded like a porn movie or someone slapping two pork chops together. A few times we heard moans of ‘Paul, babe’ – it was very uncomfortable.”


    Fashion – Style –Leader of Men - Pogba

    Lukaku, R

    Wildly overrated African striker Romulan Lukaku was brought in for a bargain basement £75 million, this fell is just a mildly upgraded Benteke and ought to spend a miserable afternoon sitting comfortably in the pocket of Cathcart and Kabasele.

    Still, if you’re stupid and you’ve got £126.85 to spare, why not splash out on a Leekooku, I mean Lookeeku, erm Larkoodoo – well, whatever his name is – have his name on your back. Hand over the money. Thanks!


    Shaw, L

    Trembling overweight speccy little no-hoper full back who get wedgied and bullied by his own manager and teammates. Watch for Troy Deeney picking pieces of Shaw’s miserable destroyed carcass out from between his teeth during the second half.



    Mourinho throws a fit during the post-match press conference reminding everyone that despite this 3-1 setback, everything’s absolutely fine and reporters have got an insolent cheek by daring to even ask someone as great as him any questions.

    Gracia grins in post-match conference and says several variations on “we are in a good moment at this time

    The bandwagon rolls on.....
  2. Diamond

    Diamond Squad Player

    Clive I can only bow down in gratitude for one of the best pieces ever written on this humble website.
    Bloke, Ray Knight, dennyboy and 11 others like this.
  3. Happy bunny

    Happy bunny Cheered up a bit

    You need to get a job as a writer, Clive. The Mail must be looking for somebody to do hatchet jobs, and you'd fit in perfectly
    Ray Knight and I Blame Bassett like this.
  4. RookeryDad

    RookeryDad Squad Player

    Bravo, Clive.

    I've never slapped pork chops together but will buy a couple of nice big ones for dinner tonight.
  5. Relegation Certs

    Relegation Certs Squad Player

    Absolutely tremendous stuff.
    Ray Knight likes this.
  6. Bwood_Horn

    Bwood_Horn Squad Player

    Ray Knight likes this.
  7. The undeniable truth

    The undeniable truth Squad Player

    Just send that in as application for the next job vacancy rather than your usual Cv. Admittedly, an 83% likelihood that the recruiter is a Man U fan, but you have a great chance of an offer from the other 17% !
    Ray Knight and kVA like this.
  8. another_mrlizard

    another_mrlizard Squad Player

    Or football-themed coasters, thimbles and caligraphy sets, as a close friend of mine may have said, back in the days when the internet was good.
    Diamond, UEA_Hornet and PhilippineOrn like this.
  9. Siohmy

    Siohmy Reservist

    The ability to sum up Manchester United that well whilst also getting a little dig in at those insignificants up the road. Inspiring.
    Ray Knight and Happy bunny like this.
  10. Vicarage Road

    Vicarage Road Reservist

    Come on watford
    Ray Knight likes this.
  11. PhilippineOrn

    PhilippineOrn First Team

    Yeah, I remember that. Savage Garden wavs, Slingo, dancing babies, AOL, the sound of the dial up modem connecting with 'You've Got Mail' as your reward. Netscape, Ask Geeves, GeoCities, mIRC & ICQ...where has the time gone?
    Ray Knight likes this.
  12. Jossy

    Jossy Reservist

    As others have said, Clive - your next job really must involve creative writing. Your colourful, witty, descriptive pre-match previews are better than anything I read elsewhere.

    You should apply to the club - the official website would get a hell of a lot more 'clicks' if people knew you were writing for them! And you speak Spanish - perfect for Gracia.

    Clive_ofthe_Kremlin > Kevin Affleck

    As for the game - I've predicted us to lose every match up to now, so in keeping with that superstitious nonsense, 1-3 Utd.
    Ray Knight and Knight GT like this.
  13. Sahorn

    Sahorn Reservist

    Ha, you definitely need to give up on your ‘unit of production’ function on assembly line number 23 at the Comrades Red Tractor Factory Number 5 Clive.
    Missed your vocation by a long way.

    Hope the party members don’t see your undoubted talents and influencing and therefore possible leadership skills as a threat to the worldwide socialist revolution movement. :p

    Just Brilliant.

    Will be copying and pasting, with your permission of course, to my plastic Utd friends.
    Ray Knight, PowerJugs, Jossy and 2 others like this.
  14. Clive_ofthe_Kremlin

    Clive_ofthe_Kremlin Squad Player

    Thank you to all well wishers - eye thank you! Thank you! Thank you! A collection will be taken on yer way out...

    {removes flat cap and bows}
    Ray Knight likes this.
  15. Ybotcoombes

    Ybotcoombes First Year Pro

    3-1 to us

    Progba to sulk and walk off at half time
    Holebase to pull Lukaku shorts down , run past him and set up gray for our first
    Deeney to score the 2nd
    Pereya to score the third

    Mourinho to moanabout how he wanted another 5 players, Pogba to blame watford for trying to hard

    Pundits to ask if the continual rotating door of watford managers is a good or bad thing , it’s great we are winning now, but they worry about us going down still

    Match of the day to edit the final result to look like we lost
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2018
    Ray Knight, kVA, cfdr0ftaW and 3 others like this.
  16. Otter

    Otter Gambling industry insider

    Looks like Pogba and Martial won't sign a new contract, may have a showdown with Mourinho.
    Ray Knight likes this.
  17. BigRossLittleRoss

    BigRossLittleRoss Squad Player

    Mourinho reminds me of Thatcher in her final days of leadership .
  18. RookeryDad

    RookeryDad Squad Player

    Totally forgot.

  19. RookeryDad

    RookeryDad Squad Player

    Pogba is Geoffrey Howe?!
    Ray Knight and hambledonhornet like this.
  20. Johnny Todd Sings

    Johnny Todd Sings Academy Graduate

    This is the first time that I have ever felt sorry for United fans. I don't particularly like that feeling. Brilliant preview, though.
  21. Jumbolina

    Jumbolina Squad Player

    It’s very good Clive but you know me so no contribution. Your fine work is noted though.
    Ray Knight likes this.
  22. domthehornet

    domthehornet Moderator Staff Member

    Superb Clive.
    Ray Knight likes this.
  23. K9 Hornet

    K9 Hornet Academy Graduate

    "gull botherers" was worthy of a like on its own...
    Ray Knight and I Blame Bassett like this.
  24. I Blame Bassett

    I Blame Bassett Squad Player

    Very fine Clive,very fine indeed!
    There is a chap that plays five-a-side at Allenbury's in Ware on a Thursday. He has a variety of Utd kits,mostly with Lukaku on the back.If he plays football as well as he walks,he must be worse than useless!
    As my brother said,most people like Utd as 8 year olds.Then they grow up.
    My physio was a valid Utd fan,coming from Manchester! However he doesn't care for them anymore and favours us!
    Ray Knight and kVA like this.
  25. RookeryDad

    RookeryDad Squad Player

    Top work converting the physio.

    Have you got him on to Aeschylus yet?
  26. RookeryDad

    RookeryDad Squad Player

    Mancs should support City or Stockport.

    Salford is a different place.
    cyaninternetdog likes this.
  27. Mollyboo

    Mollyboo First Year Pro

    Expect Fellani to be fully fit and rested after the chronic back pain that meant he couldn't possibly play for Belgium.

    These international friendlies are a joke - can't really blame Mourinho for protecting the one player in their squad that might stand up to Deeney.
    Ray Knight likes this.
  28. SkylaRose

    SkylaRose Reservist

    Great write up Clive top stuff and long may it continue.

    A point here would be seen as a decent result, you just don’t know what Manure side will turn up. I’d love a win though and for Ashley Young to miss a 94th minute penalty for the childish pollock he was last season at the Vic.
    Clive_ofthe_Kremlin likes this.
  29. lowerrous

    lowerrous Squad Player

    In Fellaini, Matic and Smalling they have three of the few defensive players in the league who could be capable of nullifying our physical, compact style.
    A lot will depend on whether Lukaku is on form for them, and if whoever partners Smalling in defence for them will be able to stand up as well as those around them.
    Wouldn't be surprised if it was 1-1, with both goals from set pieces.
  30. Meh!

    Meh! Pre-Dictator

    I think I may actually jump in the pond if we make it 5 league wins in a row.
  31. Hornet4ever

    Hornet4ever WFC Forums Last Man Standing Winner 2018/2019

    Clive is not his real name.
    Clive_ofthe_Kremlin likes this.
  32. Mollyboo

    Mollyboo First Year Pro

    Same as a lot of predictions on Red Cafe, with many of them happy to take the point and move on.

    How incredible an achievement is it that a town-based football club has got a global giant running so very scared?
    Ray Knight, wfcmoog and Cthulhu like this.
  33. Stuey

    Stuey Reservist

    I fully expect plucky Man Utd to park the bus hopeful of a draw at fortress Vic.
  34. Batch101

    Batch101 Academy Graduate

    mrs batch101 (who has no interest in football whatsoever) is st beside me whilst I switched on the tv, up popped up the Luke Shaw warming up with England, the only comment was ‘isn’t he a bit fat to playing football’......
    Cthulhu likes this.
  35. Cthulhu

    Cthulhu Keyboard Warrior Staff Member

    Welcome batch

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