Swansea 2-1 Watford Fc - 02/01/2021

Discussion in 'Match Day' started by Johnny Todd Sings, Dec 27, 2020.

  1. Johnny Todd Sings

    Johnny Todd Sings First Year Pro

    On the deck of HMS Pisstheleague


    Ist mate: Cap’n, I don’t like the look of the weather up ahead. Looks like we’re headin’ into a storm an’ a pretty nasty one too.

    Captain: You worry too much, Number One. You’ve seen as many storms as I have and yet you are still here to tell the tale. We’ll be dancing, and not the hornpipe, with our new dancemaster.

    1st Mate: It’s not me that I’m worried ‘bout, Cap’n. It’s the crew. There’s some that can’t take a bit o’ rough weather, or a bit o’ rough, come to that. They’re soft. They’ve never been done in the depths - the troughs between waves higher than a Premier bum’s wage packet, For the likes o’ you and me – we’ve seen it all. We’ve seen the good times and the bad, the ups and downs. You – You’n even seen Myfanwy Craddock with her teeth in, or was that May Hill?

    Captain: How can we bring the crew together Number One? With this storm brewing. There will be some with soaking hammocks by Saturday. Those that have been with Myfanwy will be happy until they need a cure for the clapping. They will all hang about in Singleton Park and be sent to that Singleton Hospital by the University. Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

    1st Mate: Cap’n! You’re mixing your metaphors and it isn’t becoming for a gen’leman of your status, or stature for that matter. If there is light it is flood light and the wet ‘ammock lads will be in tears. If I may be so bold, take the liberty, so’s to speak. That will ‘elp with the ‘ammocks, but to do that we need to take ‘er up Bristol Channel. Why they can’t say cleavage is beyond me but you’ll know – you bein’ a gen’leman

    Captain: I’ll bet you a copper quarter to a silver dollar that we will find a way up the channel Number One. Whether it’s the right channel I don’t know but we don’t want to end up in Cardiff. The locals are good at closing channels. That’s where trouble lies. Find an open channel then a port for Sema, Number One. Remember, Port Out Starboard home. Shame we haven’t a Porter when in port. We need one of them. A good Porter directs everything. He doesn’t go swanning about sideways. He leads and everyone else follows. The midships of this good vessel is not performing. We need a Porter.

    We must also learn to count in a base that is beyond binary, particularly when we sail away. We need a maths teacher, Number One. If we can have a number two and a number three on board, so can the lads be taught to count beyond one. It is too much to expect them to score either once or ten times. That is why we need education. We don’t want bits, we want bytes or, at the very least, nibbles. We’ve only had one nibble all season.

    1st Mate: Sounds like you want to go to the pub, Cap’n, so you can have a porter and a nibble or a byte. The pubs are shut, sir.

    Captain: I will ignore that, Number One. Until recently the Swanees only indulged in binary scoring but now they have moved on to trinary. They have not scored more than two and neither have their opponents. But only once have their opponents taken the Liberty by doing that. We are stuck in binary. It is a worry.

    Have you ever been to West Yorkshire, Number One? We could learn a thing or two from those folk on the Pennines. Not much use on a ship usually, but they came this way and the locals didn’t like it. It takes a long time to paddle from Huddersfield down here then bugger off home again with three points but they are the only ones to do it so far. Let the crew know that. There is no disgrace in letting the locals keep a point. However, we don’t want to marry the bastards. One plus one should not mean one with us. They can be one with themselves for all eternity, for all I care. Doesn’t feel good to share when you are slopping about in your sodden hammock.

    1st Mate: I see what you mean about binary scoring sir but it’s the birds that get to me, especially when they ‘ang one round your neck. The albatross and one in three. Wish we could get one in three but we don’t get three chances on target. Not when we are away. Even at ‘ome bluebirds are a problem but away! Away it is always the white ones.

    Captain: You mean seagulls?

    1st Mate: No Cap’n. Seagulls are too high for us at the moment. But this good ship will get us nearer to them. It’s the other birds. There are too many of them. Those swans will break your arm as soon as look at you. Get them by the sea and you’ve got trouble. They make us sail all this way, up someone's cleavage and then they don’t let most of us in. There are also those birds they keep down mines, or they should. Don’t do that now. Now they let them **** on everyone. Scrub the bloody deck all day long cleaning up after them. I wish I had a shot gun. Bloody birds. They make me vetch.

    Captain: You know that a vetch is type of legume, Number One? Can you imagine spending your life on a bean patch. No wonder when those swannee whistlers over there escaped from their communal farting they called it liberty.

    1st Mate: Do we have beans on this ship? Does anyone eat ‘em?

    Captain: There are rumours, Number One. Some on this ship eat them. They are known as "has beans”. Unfortunately we can’t get rid of them. They are contracted to this ship and no one else will have them. There are another bunch who are called the “never has beans.” We can’t get rid of them, either.

    1st mate: Are you saying that we want to get rid of the “has beans” and the “never has beans”? Won’t that leave us rather short, Cap’n?

    Captain: No, my lad. There is a third group who are undecided. We don’t know if they will become “has beans” or “never has beans”. Some even want their beans elsewhere – they are the “Bean and hope to be gone” group. When we land we may be meeting a real “bean and gone” by the name of George Byers. We shall see. Then there are the “bean and gone but may come back” provided that this ship doesn’t flounder. On top of that there are rumours that the “never has beans” are splitting. There will be one group called the “great future behind them, but never bean” and another group called the “never bean so lucky to get on this gravy train”.

    1st Mate: Gravy with beans? That doesn’t sound good, Cap’n.

    Captain: True, Number One. They leave others to do their marketing. They are too crap to do it like they are at anything else.

    1st Mate: Like the birds, Cap’n?

    Captain: No! Not like the birds. The birds aren’t crap. They do the crap and they try to do it on us. Fortunately the last bunch of birds didn’t manage it but there was a pile of hornet crap in front of their goal. There may have been a change, Number One. It is good to see something in front of the opposition goal, even if it is crap.

    1st Mate: Is there no one in the crew who can deal with this, Cap’n?

    Captain: There is, Number One, but they have been pulled backwards and sideways like crabs, hence the appeal of Myfanwy Craddock. Maybe, just maybe, we may have got rid of the crabs. You’ll need to check the hull.

    Then there are the support crew. They are split like 2-ply toilet paper that has been used on one side or like trousers suffering from extraordinary fullness, and some are quite rebellious. Get that sorted Number One. I am captain of this good ship. I don’t want splits now that we are approaching our destination in the face of a storm. It is going to be difficult. Those royal owned mute swans are waiting for us and you remember what the Royals did to us. If we have to fart our way to victory we must do it.

    1st Mate: That won’t satisfy many of the support crew, sir. They want victory, or even defeat, with honour. Farting isn’t good enough for them. In any case the swanee whistlers are better farters than us. They can whistle "Men of Harlech" in farts. They’ve had years of practice.

    Captain: Tell me about the Swans, Number One. Is it true that they only sing when they’re dying, sing when they’re dying?

    1st Mate: In many ways they are like us, Sir. We rose together through the ranks. They fell further and faster than us. They left the field of beans in 2005 finding Liberty, although Liberty tied to another bloody flock of birds: Ospreys this time. Liberty used to be called White Rock because of all the birds shitting on it. Freedom of movement, they called it. They then rose faster than us then descended before us. If it has happened to them it will happen to us, which means that we will be made a city one of these days.

    Captain: Magnificent. The City of the Vic

    1st Mate (continuing): There are other links, too, sir. Some I am too afeared to mention, like the one who displayed integrity both with us and with them. There are others, some that we miss. Here is a list:

    Paul Atkinson, Ben Wilmott, Nigel Gibbs, Kenny Jackett, Mr. Integrity, George Byers, Gary Chivers, Gary Fiskin, Scott Fitzgerald, Jimmy Gilligan, Danny Graham, Dixie Hale, Dean Holdsworth, Bryn Jones, George Kirby, Des Lyttle, Josh McEachran, Pat Morrisey, Neil Price, Tamas Priskin, Dai Thomas, Colin West, Alan Williams.

    Captain: The past is a dead heron, Number One, but, oh how Dixie Hales would put the fear of god up them. Whilst there has only been one time either their lot or our glorious lads have won by more than one goal since 2008, we cannot say that the same will happen this time.

    1st Mate: Neither side will win by more than one goal. There you go Cap’n. I have said it. You are wrong.

    Captain: Are you being insubordinate Number One? You realise that you could walk the plank for that.

    1st Mate: I walked the plank when I was a lad, sir. We couldn’t afford a dog.

    Captain: They have won more than us. Number One. Bad puns will not help rectify that injustice. We need our best lads out there today. We need to give it to them. We need to revenge Leda. We need to revenge the 2017 lads - two strikes against in the last 5 minutes. We need to attack. Now is the time. They have scored more than one goal four times in a game since October. Two of those were against Barsnley and Steptoe. The other two were against Bedfordshire madmen and Cardiff, so we will forgive them that. What we will not forgive them for is the following crime against humanity. Getting old ladies to sing that they can’t get enough is, is … words fail me:

    You can unblock your ears now, Number One. What are the whistlers like now?

    1st Mate: Well, Jordan’s brother, Andre, is their chief marksman but Lowe, behold, has a goal a game lately. They, like their team, are frustrated roadies – one, two, one, two, or in the vernacular, un, dau, un, dau. Andre, their one not ours, and Jamal need watching. Jamal comes from ’Arrow and used to play for Boreham Wood, Barnet (‘is is peculiar). Snalbans, ‘Emel and ‘Ichin. They were lucky against the Steptoes but still won sero, un, dau. Bloody trinary. They can’t count to tri. If we get tri, I mean three, we will win, but we have only got four away all season. They’ve scored more and conceded less than us.

    Captain: Fewer, Number One.

    1st Mate: They are at liberty with Reading on Wednesday. Who knows what that will bring?

    Captain: Right. This is the plan. We will make landfall on the beach by the University. Students won’t care. Most of them won’t be there. They will be taking disease home to their old folk.


    Then we will go past the student smoking area

    If the men see any women like this they are to avoid them.

    Do not accept the tea.

    If you see the Guinness clock it is a sure sign that you have had the tea – or you’ve been to the student smoking area. The clock has been demolished.


    On the way to Copper Quarter there is bugger all to see, but once there the locals believe you will find Liberty but not fraternity or egalité. That is fine.

    We don’t want fraternity or equality. We want to dominate like the Normans did in 1081. By 1545 I want them crying, Number One, and by 1645 I want them streaming to their valleys green with envy and infections caused by hornet stings. I want the wail of the swanee’s whistling in the hills.

    1st Mate: Do you see that happening, Cap’n?

    Captain: No.

    Now listen. There is a ruin in Swansea, Number One. It is a castle. Anyone who suggests that there is a ruin called a Deeney will be dealt with. They will be forced to share their sodden hammock with Deeney, and possibly the tea drinking ladies pictured above. I will not have insubordination on this ship.

    Similarly the wave of rubbish that can be found in the city centre is NOT our forward line.


    They look to the stars in Swansea, which means that they look to us! Is that clear Number One?


    But, and this is important, be careful. Their supporters are dangerous. Catherine Zeta-Jones has to be caged in the museum,


    and then there is the Swansea Devil. In May it may look like a darling bud but in January it looks like a lifeless stick.


    Those storm clouds are getting darker, Number One. The lights are going out. We can do this, but we probably won’t. That is not the point. We want passion. We want movement. We will not be tossed about on a sea of troubles, vacant like the Swansea Devil or a crewman tossed overboard, hollow after the fish have got to him. We have had a hard time of it lately but we got away with it without being impaled. Some of the crew are missing. That is okay unless they are on the pitch. Some of them I wish were missing We are HMS Pissdownyourleg.

    Tell the men to prepare. Tell the support crew to forget their hammocks and their clap. We are going in!
  2. The Voice of Reason

    The Voice of Reason First Team Captain

    Very comprehensive, I might go to Swansea on my holibobs based on this writeup :D
  3. I Blame Bassett

    I Blame Bassett Squad Player

    "It's off I tell you!"
  4. Supertommymooney

    Supertommymooney Reservist

    Liked for bad puns, actual humour, but mostly for sheer effort and endeavour.

    Almost certainly more entertainment in the preview than the game.

    0-0 to Watford.
    HappyHornet24 and PowerJugs like this.
  5. Knight GT

    Knight GT Predictor extraordinaire 2013/14

    Brilliant write up. We have a few days off as Millwall has been cancelled so fancy us to get a win
  6. Cassetti's Beard

    Cassetti's Beard First Team

    Fantastic write up!

    Extra few days rest as the game against the racists is cancelled should benefit us.
  7. Teide1

    Teide1 Squad Player

    Considering Swansea are home to Reading on Wednesday evening which will be a tough game, anything less than three points for us next Saturday will be disappointing with our new 100% record new coach, the players will be playing for him after yesterdays performance and the celebrations at the end! things are looking up!
  8. folkestone orn

    folkestone orn Squad Player

    Are u OK?
  9. a19tgg

    a19tgg Squad Player

    I would like us to win this one.
    SkylaRose likes this.
  10. Supertommymooney

    Supertommymooney Reservist

    I second that.

    Does that make both of us clappers and a COGs though?!?

    And do we wipe the slate clean of labels come 1st January?
  11. SkylaRose

    SkylaRose Reservist

    WTF did I just read? I mean that in a good way, absolutely literally class. Very good idea of the running Hmspisstheleauge joke too.

    And yes I did catch the subtle name call of their old stadium Vetchfield. Very good. You should post more too, I think @Clive_ofthe_Kremlin may of finally met his match in previews.

    As for the game, I would take a point, but I think when we are on it, we can do it. I think we may bag three points here and make Muff and Norwich sweat a bit.

  12. BeersThen

    BeersThen Academy Graduate

    That was a bit different, nice one.
  13. The kid has us on a high. Nothing is impossible.
    Must win game.
    Swans 2 (Toshack, Michu) WFC o
    Tough night for the GOGs.
  14. miked2006

    miked2006 Premiership Prediction League Proprietor

    Upon finishing Samuel Beckett’s ‘Waiting For Godot’, I was unable to discern if what I had read was genius, or nonsensical ramblings of an oddball.

    As then, I believe the preview more closely resembles the former.
    HappyHornet24 likes this.
  15. Davy Crockett

    Davy Crockett First Year Pro

    1-4 The Horns Mercer(2) Mayes Bond
  16. onion8837

    onion8837 Reservist

    That is the genius of Waiting for Godot
    Cthulhu likes this.
  17. Sahorn

    Sahorn Reservist

  18. Manatleisure

    Manatleisure Reservist

    This is a hard game to predict. We beat the league leaders which was great, on the other hand this is an away game.
  19. Forzainglese

    Forzainglese Reservist

    Presumably we will without Capoue, I'm afraid.
  20. Forzainglese

    Forzainglese Reservist

    Norwich played in a way which enabled us to enact our new-found attacking strategy. Our strike-force is weak, but one way around that is to mount numerous attacks in the hope that at least one or two will pay off.
    Maybe Swansea will do the same. However, their defence is the only Championship one to have conceded fewer goals than ours. A high-scoring game would be a big surprise.
    Given that Swansea are riding high it may be that Watford will be forced to retreat more than they would desire. In the absence of Capoue it might be that bit more difficult to mount rapid counter-attacks.
  21. Godot left us a few years ago now m8. I’m afraid he’s not coming back for a third spell.
    onion8837 likes this.
  22. I Blame Bassett

    I Blame Bassett Squad Player

    I've always liked Stephanie Cole.
    onion8837 likes this.
  23. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    I hope we win this one.
  24. The Voice of Reason

    The Voice of Reason First Team Captain

    Are you feeling alright Moog :p
  25. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    Season's greetings Jim. And all the best for the New Year. X
  26. The Voice of Reason

    The Voice of Reason First Team Captain

    Thank you very much and you've even sealed it with a kiss :eek: Greeting to you and yours and lets hope we all have a better and prosperous year in 2021 :)
  27. Enjoy~The~Game

    Enjoy~The~Game Academy Graduate

    Just watched highlights of their last game at QPR. Gotta be honest I was a little underwhelmed by them and the scoreljne flattered them.

    QPR caused then loads of problems with crosses into the box, but a combination of luck and bad finishing prevented them scoring. I can see us getting something here - for all his many faults it’s the set up for Gray to scramble in a Deeney knock down.

    They have a quality looking player in Jamal Lowe, quick and tricky - will have to keep close to him and deadly when the gets in behind

    I see this as score draw

    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
  28. domthehornet

    domthehornet Moderator Staff Member

    We've got a week to prepare for this, that worries me.
  29. WillisWasTheWorst

    WillisWasTheWorst Its making less grammar mistake's thats important

    None of the teams in this division are all that impressive, perhaps with the exception of Brentford when they are flying. I think the most important thing is that we see the same positive intent and higher tempo that we got v Norwich in this and all away games.
  30. Chumlax

    Chumlax Reservist

    Given that we are no longer under the repressive yoke of the Ivic dictatorship, surely we shouldn't necessarily be expecting the away performances to be any different to the home ones (or at least nowhere near as much as our prior schizophrenic behaviour)?

    We're in the best season ever to be playing away games, and we're all back to no fans in any of the stadiums, so short of the deleterious effects of having a slightly smaller/grottier room to put their kit on in, we really should be expecting to see a rather similar team dynamic in South Wales to South Hertfordshire now, shouldn't we?
  31. Malteser2

    Malteser2 First Year Pro

    Swansea have the meanest defence in the league, having only conceded 12 goals to date.

    If Ivic was still here, you’d have fancied a 0-0.

    Under Xisco, I’m not so sure. We don’t know yet how he will set up on the road, but chances are he won’t be as negative or defensive as his predecessor.

    He will probably face the toughest first two matches any Head Coach of ours has ever had in terms of league positions, as he’s likely to have started v 1st place and then 2nd. Pearson started against the league leaders (Liverpool) and then Man Utd, but they were lower down the table than second.

    I’d take a point on Saturday.
  32. GoingDown

    GoingDown Pizza & Figs

    Agreed. And if Norwich win their two relatively straightforward home games that leaves us just 11 points off the top after the games have finished on Saturday.

    Just what we should be targeting.
  33. hornetboy1

    hornetboy1 First Team

    If we win this one, we're definitely back in business. A draw won't be a disaster, but a defeat would raise more question marks.

    We're solid at home, but we really need to sort out this away form. It's the one big thing that's holding us back and will need to improve or else we're not getting a top two spot.

    I'm hoping we carry on from Norwich with an even better performance, especially from our misfiring forwards.
    SkylaRose likes this.
  34. Forzainglese

    Forzainglese Reservist

    Maybe Bournemouth.
    Yes, faster and more positive, as against Norwich, agreed. Indeed even more so, if possible, after a week's training ground work.
  35. Forzainglese

    Forzainglese Reservist

    We may end up being quite defensive in this, but still be nowhere near as defensive as under Ivic.

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