Stoke City 1-2 Watford Fc - 22/01/2021

Discussion in 'Match Day' started by Johnny Todd Sings, Jan 20, 2021.

  1. Johnny Todd Sings

    Johnny Todd Sings First Year Pro

    Once more aboard HMS Pisstheleague.

    Captain: We are back on the water, Number One.

    1st Mate: But why are we sailing to Stoke? It is about as far from the sea as you can get in the Championship, Sir.

    Captain: That may be true, Number One, but Stoke has a strong maritime history. The captain of the Titanic came from Stoke. In fact there is a good local brewery there called the Titanic Brewery. You should visit when we arrive. I had their fine Titanic ale the last time I was there. However, when I asked the barman if it was called that because it went down well he just looked at me, Number One.

    1st Mate: You should have asked for ice with it, sir.

    Captain: Perhaps I should have. Next time, maybe.

    If you want to learn about Stoke you should read Arnold Bennett. He will tell you all you need to know about the five towns, except that there are six: Burslem (home of Port Vale), Tunstall, Hanley, Longton, Stoke and Fenton. Bennett couldn’t count. He has an omelette named after him. It has fish in it. Another link with the sea.

    1st Mate: I docked in New Zealand once, Capt’n; in the port of Nelson, which is next door to Stoke. I see what you mean about maritime history – dead ships, dead fish and dead sailors all linked, and at the Grand Stoke Hotel in Belgium you can order spiced cod, or you used to be able to. Don’t know about that since January 1st.

    Captain: So you see why we need to sail there, Number One? We go up the Grand Union Canal till we get to the Trent, then we turn to port and head into Stoke. Easy. We can dock by the Hanford waste recycling depot. Some of our wet hammock brigade think that we should leave Deeney and Gray there but I’m not sure that we can recycle them. Anyway, according to the map, from there we walk through Sideway and get to Bet365. I wonder what you call someone from Sideway, Number One? A Sidewayite, a Sidewayer?

    1st mate: No Sir, they are called Jurados. I thought that Stoke played at the Victoria Ground, Sir.

    Captain: You are showing your age, Number One. They left there in 1997. A good job too, because the locals called it ‘The Vic’ and, as we all know, there is only one Vic. They left Stoke to go to somewhere closer to Fenton. Some locals don’t like that. Fenton would be a better name for the team because it wouldn’t get confused with all the other Stokes around the world. There is one in Belgium, which is called Stoké and which seems to be a field. I can’t imagine why the Belgians would call a field Stoké.

    1st Mate: Why not call their team Sideway, Sir?

    Captain: Fenton have a reputation for route one football, Number One. Calling the team Sideway would be against the law. They like the ball to be so high that they have been accused of cryptorchidism. We will need to practice orchiopexy – that is our back line will need to, NOT our medical team; please god, not our medical team.

    1st Mate: I don’t understand, Captain.

    Captain: Look it up, Number One. To be fair to Fenton, they do seem to be trying to change their style. They scored a couple of well worked goals at the Vic this season. We scored interesting goals. The Stoke Sentinel’s headline after that game was “Watford Nat Lofthouse their way past Stoke City”. When playing for England Nat Lofthouse used to complain about the Stoke winger, Stanley Matthews. Apparently Matthews always crossed the ball so that the laces in the ball were what Lofthouse had to make contact with when heading. Stoke have also had good goalkeepers in the past. Gordon Banks and Peter Shilton are the best known but Ben Foster was at Stoke before Manchester United bought him. They then loaned him to us before he had played for United. He won’t be playing, of course, even if he is the go to pro. Now we have Daniel. Let’s hope he is as good at stopping Stoke/Fenton from scoring as he is at stopping Sierralta. I wonder if Daniel will play against Millwall? I won’t state the obvious, Number One, even though you are not a religious man.

    1st Mate: So how do you think the crew will react, sir?

    Captain: The crew seem happier after last night’s game, Number One. Hammocks seem to be drying out. They seem to like the roofing nails chap. He should be used to the cold of the north. Question is, how will the likes of João Pedro react to a cold Friday night in Stoke? Trying to get across the Sideway intersection in January is nothing like shimmying down the Copacabana. Unlike the Copacabana you don’t get songs about Stoke. Well you do but you only want to hear them once.

    1st Mate: I’m still worried about sailing there, Captain. We are not good when we do that. What about the draft of this ship? Will we be able to get all the way?

    Captain: I certainly can, Number One, but that is why I am a Captain. It is my job to get all the way, even if it means picking up this ship and running with it. We must be sure not to go too far, though. The Trent will take us on to Northwich, a place that has gone down in history as a graveyard for our sister ship Pissthecup. That was a disaster worse than the Manchester one.

    You are right to be nervous, though, Number One. We must make sure that Stoke replay their role in the Titanic. Stoke are drawing too many games for their liking. They drew against Rotherham yesterday. There were six goals in that game. In their previous ten games there were only eleven goals. We can’t win away. We need to show that when we are sailing away we can do the business in a foreign port, even if that port has a bizarre name like Bet365.

    1st Mate: They flood the midfield, don’t they, Cap’n? We don’t.

    Captain: True, Number One, but their star striker, Tyrese Campbell, is injured. Their wet hammock brigade are bemoaning their lack of strike force. They have won just once in their last eleven games. They have names we remember, though. James McLean likes playing us and Joe Allen is just coming back from injury. They also have Sam Vokes, John Obi Mikel, who is older than Deeney, and Tom Ince, who used to be good and was at Blackpool with Craig Cathcart.

    1st Mate: I still don’t like it, Cap’n. This contest has a draw written all over it. We can’t win away and they draw all the time. Our ship will run aground and they will flood the midships. Xisco will be dancing on the touchline to no avail. Our strike force will have been rejected by the recycling depot. We need a horn pipe to pipe the Horns home but no-one knows how to play. We will wallow in the turgid silt of the Trent.

    Captain: Enough of that Number One or I will set a hideous monster from the deep onto you. That will give you something to worry about. If it is all too much for you then go on a scenic tour of Stoke’s architectural brilliance.





    As you can see, we are not that bad, Number One. This ship sails in the cold and the wet. This ship will come home with three points. The bed of the Trent will scrape off all our barnacles and give us something to eat on the way home.
  2. Cassetti's Beard

    Cassetti's Beard First Team

    HMSPissThePlayOffs is ready to be boarded.

    Stoke 5-0 Watford (If Gray starts)
    Stoke -1-8 Watford (If Gray doesn't start)
  3. Forzainglese

    Forzainglese Reservist

    First-class pre-match entertainment.
    lutonh8a likes this.
  4. EB Hornet

    EB Hornet Reservist

    Gray was sub V Huddersfield
    Pedro v Barnsley
    So Deeney’s turn on the bench then.

    Hope the Zinc gets a start.

    And no ‘should I pay for this’ dilemma this time either! Wahoo!
  5. Bachmann in goal against his first club ?
    Must win game.
    Stoke 1 (Bachmann o.g) WFC 0 (Deeney missed pen 89).
    MIlton Dammers and SkylaRose like this.
  6. ITK platypus

    ITK platypus Reservist

    I have traveled all corners of the world, all seven continents and every major city in the UK.

    Stoke is by some distance the worst place I have ever visited.

    That is all.
  7. Relegation Certs

    Relegation Certs Squad Player

    Luton. Always.
  8. ITK platypus

    ITK platypus Reservist

    So brainwashed was I as a child to be a Watford fan, I made it my life's mission to never set foot in that town under any circumstances. I broke that a few years ago and indeed it was not pleasant. But Stoke feels like a never-ending sea of despair. It's large enough to be a city, yet has no city centre. Just endless miserable suburbs, never ceasing.
    SkylaRose likes this.
  9. I Blame Bassett

    I Blame Bassett Squad Player

    "Oh Jesus ChristFenton!"
  10. Ágætis Byrjun

    Ágætis Byrjun Reservist

    A huge test of our credentials. We can win at home (better than anyone) but our away form destroys consistency.

    We largely dominated Stoke at home but still contrived to concede a very early goal and a late equaliser against the run of play.

    They looked erratic against Rotherham as well last night. All goals from crosses, but I have faith that Sierralta would deal with them better than Rotherham did.
    SkylaRose likes this.
  11. Hogg-DEENEY!!!

    Hogg-DEENEY!!! Reservist

    Think the team will be like this:

    Masina Sierralta WTE Kiko
    Sema Hughes Chalobah Zinckernagel

    Sarr was quite good last night, but he has played a lot of football of late, and I would like to see more of Zinckernagel, he should be fairly up to speed by now, could be a good time to see what he can do on the right. Deeney is starting every game he's available for forever basically, nowt we can do about that, might not be such a bad thing if he plays like he did last night, although for every good game, he's got a bad game in him too. Hope Hughes doesn't get benched again, at some point he's gonna have to play twice in quick succession. Maybe we might see someone in the back 4 rotated, we're lucky that we have a number of quality Championship options there
    SkylaRose likes this.
  12. SkylaRose

    SkylaRose Reservist

    I hear Michael Bay is getting in touch with @Johnny Todd Sings to get the rights for a movie called Hmspisstheleauge.

    Great preview again dude, really good read. Loved the recycling plant part and the play on "GoPro". As for the game, hmmm. We are away for this and Millwall.... we love a good away defeat. This mindset has to change soon. I would definitely take a point here, then hopefully beat Millwall midweek.

    Depends on how we setup, but I expect us to at least go at Stoke. Rotherham scored three past them, surely we can get one.

  13. I Blame Bassett

    I Blame Bassett Squad Player

    Ok I will bite....
    I believe we will score but don't call me Shirley!
    SkylaRose likes this.
  14. Markoa$

    Markoa$ Reservist

    No chance. Stoke comes in at second. The worst place is clearly Scunthorpe. Monstrosity of a place.
  15. WillisWasTheWorst

    WillisWasTheWorst Its making less grammar mistake's thats important

    There were only five continents when I was at school. If there are seven now, that's either inflation or revisionism.
    Or possibly continental drift - it was a long time ago.
    Carpster and Forzainglese like this.
  16. Otter

    Otter Gambling industry insider

    The worst place I've been to was Rotherham, I remember going to see us play there in the mid-90s when they played at Millmoor, it was proper grim.
    Markoa$ likes this.
  17. Markoa$

    Markoa$ Reservist

    Yes that is another dump of a place. I only went once when I was younger, have a few memories of it being atrocious. Scunthorpe was when I was a little bit older and it’s scarred me for life. Every horror film should just be made there.
  18. Otter

    Otter Gambling industry insider

    I've not been to Scunny, but it gets a pass as it was GTs home town.
    Markoa$ likes this.
  19. lowerrous

    lowerrous Squad Player

    Strange choice putting Masina and Sema on the right and Kiko and Zinc on the left.
  20. Hogg-DEENEY!!!

    Hogg-DEENEY!!! Reservist

    How's Antarctica?
  21. Hogg-DEENEY!!!

    Hogg-DEENEY!!! Reservist

    Haha, well Xisco played Ngakia on the left the other day so I wouldn't rule anything out!
  22. ITK platypus

    ITK platypus Reservist

    Cold, windy and full of penguins.
  23. pleaseenterthenamebywh

    pleaseenterthenamebywh Academy Graduate

    I am very envious of Stoke. 3 years of mediocrity in the Championship, solid British owners and no remaining foreign mercenaries from their Premiership era.

    1-0 to the home side
  24. MIlton Dammers

    MIlton Dammers Academy Graduate

    Bachmann was actually released by Stoke. Looks like it was probably a mistake now
  25. Davy Crockett

    Davy Crockett First Year Pro

    Never mind all of that , the A34 through Stoke and then pick up the road to Holmes Chapel etc
    is the way to go should you wish to visit Manure and other Oop Norf places .
  26. wfc4ever

    wfc4ever First Team Captain

    I think you might find they still have a few drifting around from the Marin Hughes days like Kevin Wimmer.

    Seems only since Michael O’Neil they have sorted their squad out and moved forward again .
  27. Yes that's what I thought.
    It may have been a mistake but we aint seen nothin' yet to support or decry this.
  28. onion8837

    onion8837 Reservist

    Get Carter (the original book) was set in Scunthorpe. The brilliant original film was set in Newcastle. **** knows where the crap re-make was made and who cares
    reg_varney and Forzainglese like this.
  29. Moosegasm

    Moosegasm Reservist

    Guildford for me. It's just the abject pointlessness of the place. If I was allergic to meaning, I'd move to Guildford. Even Luton is better than Guildford, Middlesbrough too. Although admittedly it is better than Mogadishu...just.
    Markoa$ likes this.
  30. Hogg-DEENEY!!!

    Hogg-DEENEY!!! Reservist

    ******* hell, I thought Wimmer left them ages ago! They also have Badou N'Diaye and Bruno Martins Indi from their relegation season, albeit on loan--dunno if they fit the bill of 'mercenaries', but I bet they didn't envisage still being contracted to Stoke 3 years after relegation!
    wfc4ever likes this.
  31. Garston for me. Has anyone ever been there ? I mean do they even have electricity and running water ?
    Moosegasm likes this.
  32. Forzainglese

    Forzainglese Reservist

    But there is, at least, a naughty word in the middle of it. Tee-hee.
    Markoa$ likes this.
  33. tonycotonstache

    tonycotonstache Reservist

    Shrewsbury. The basterd devil child even Lootun ***** would shun for being too uninhabitable.
  34. Forzainglese

    Forzainglese Reservist

    I remember the retired train engines next door, waiting in the scrap yard. And the corrugated iron stands. If you are going to do grim at least make it proper grim. I rather liked it because it reinforced my rightful sense of Southern superiority.
    3000 and Otter like this.
  35. wfc4ever

    wfc4ever First Team Captain

    Think he is out on loan still ?

    Imbula was their record signing but he bombed after a season .

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