Are You Satisfied With The Life You're Living? Uh!

This might be very true. Also, with my grandparents I had them around for 36 years of my life, my parents and grandparents were relatively young when I was born. So obviously I have been very lucky having all 4 grandparents around for such a large portion of my life and able to make such a big impact on it. The flip side of that positive is though, as I have explained, the sense of loss is greater. My wife lost her last grandparent when she was 14, so she doesn't have that attachment. Unfortunately though, she lost her Mum to Alzheimer's last year at the height of Covid, so wasn't able to say goodbye. I think this is probably another factor making me question a few things in life at the moment.

 

What a great thread.

I'm only 32, but I probably spent the vast majority of my mid-late 20s feeling like i wasted my time and that I was a failure.

I went to a good school, got good enough grades to go to vet school and qualified at 23. I loved university, truly the best days of my life, and i got to have five years learning a trade i was very interested in and privileged to be a part of. However, after graduation I really struggled, particularly with my mental health. Being a young vet can potentially be very lonely, and its a tough job. When you make mistakes, it inevitably ends up costing some one a lot of money or killing an animal. Of the 180 vets who qualified in my year from my vet school, there are now less than 100 in practice. I developed a form of OCD; driving out to visits late at night to check all was ok and constantly checking i hadn't left needles lying around. It really began to affect me and there were times when i felt like a complete failure. Girlfriends never understood the pressure, and I think i ruined several good relationships by being an 'overthinker.'

I never really contemplated suicide but there were days when you thought it wouldn't be so bad. After all i had the ability and the means. I knew it would be relatively painless, and i could just make myself drift off to sleep. Vets have some of the highest suicide rates in the UK, and its no wonder why. Clients fail to realise the pressure many vets are under.

It was at that point that I knew I needed a change. I stopped doing farm work, left my first job and moved to a mixed practice. It has taken a lot of time to build my confidence but my current employer has been excellent. They have given me responsibility and basically allowed me to develop the equine practice as I see fit. I've been here for nearly 6 years, and I feel comfortable. 2 years ago they even let me take a 6 month sabbatical to go and be a ski instructor. I absolutely loved it, and its definitely something I would like to do again the future.

I don't know if I enjoy being a vet, but for the time being I find that the good days outweigh the bad.

In the last year I have also started a relationship with another vet (at a different practice), and she makes me truly happy. We are able to talk and discuss each others days constructively and it definitely helps, and I no longer have sleepless nights. I don't really know what I would do without her now, and I know she feels the same way.

So overall I've definitely had some tough times, but I feel very optimistic about the future. Sorry for the long rambling post.

 

This is such a big issue that I don't think gets talked about enough. Whilst I wouldn't say I'm stupid, I absolutely hated education with a passion, I wasn't a trouble maker but I knew 90% of what I was supposed to be learning wouldn't be useful to me in my adult life. I had a relatively diverse range of interests (football, nature + computers) which kept me interested outside of school so I wasn't a troublemaker (which let me get away with not doing the work as I could blag it). College let me focus on a subject I was passionate about (IT) which I enjoyed the practical side of, but didn't enjoy the documentation/essay side of it. At college they were so forceful to push you towards applying to uni even though I was dead set on not going to uni.

"You must do your UCAS application"
"But I don't wanna go to uni"
"But you must do your UCAS application"
"no"

Makes me wonder how many people were forced into uni that didn't wanna go and the struggles that will inevitably bring.

 

I get that, my last grandparent died when I was 16. All of my grandparents lived in Plymouth so I never saw them that often anyway. My parents have both lived past the age of all of my grandparents ever did.

 

I get that, although I wanted to go to university I think I suffered a bit of burn-out after my A-Levels and could have done with a year out of education before starting. By the end of my second year at uni I did need a break desperately, as the chance of the optional year in industry was available I took it and it did me the world of good. When I returned to uni to do my final year, I found it much better having had that break.

 

I'm actually pretty happy with my lot, amazing wife and kids that are the centre of my world but I still struggle massively with anxiety.

I grew up with a brother who is autistic and schizophrenic and my dad has had a lot of mental health problems, but the biggest problem is my mum, who is basically Hyacinth Bucket from Keeping Up Appearances. Forever telling everyone she meets about how great she is and how everything is wonderful, whilst not coping and offloading all her frustrations and woes onto me. Before I left home I was the one who had to carry on as normal and hold it together, and by about the age of 10 I'd given up telling anyone how I felt or what I was worried about as there was so much strife and it just fell on deaf ears anyway as I wasn't allowed any problems. After I left home, every phonecall was a melodramatic account of how terrible life is at home that I felt guilty for having any fun. It all pretty much battered every last bit of joy out of me and I was known by all as a miserable cynic.

It's massively dragged me down, but after various bouts of anxiety and a lot of counselling, I do see things differently and am really only now starting to separate myself from it in my mind and stop hating myself. I worry about the future with my parents getting older, especially if my dad goes first and my mum is left as I'm sure the emotional blackmail will go up a gear. I'm less worried about my brother as he's in care, so is managed and he is what he is. My mission in life is simply to see my kids carefree and feel no obligations towards me. A career has never really mattered to me, but I've always been pretty sharp and pull in a good wage for a company that looks after their staff - as long as I'm busy and have no time to overthink, I'm good.

There endeth my whistle stop life story.

 

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I presume all colleges and schools are assessed for success based on what % of pupils "make it" to Uni.
Sod whether it's good for the pupil or not, they don't want their stats damaged by any "failures".

 

I thought they were assessed on A level results rather than university entrance per se?

I posted above that too many kids end up at university when it isn't right for them. The university sector was over-expanded in the late 80s/90s at the expense of other options.

 

Well this is all very wholesome in Mental Health Awareness Week, isn't it?

I feel like I'm in a good place in life overall but fully aware it doesn't take much to tip things over. I'm happily married, have two lovely girls who've recently started school and have a decent house in a decent part of a boring town that we've come to call home. Life is good. I work in a public sector job that pays very well and affords me a good work/home life balance. I work hard and intend to stay in the job for as long as I can while the kids are at home as it will fund a lifestyle far in excess of what my parents could have dreamt of.

My last job - in fact over 9 years and straight out of uni after studying law - was not as a lawyer as some on here have always presumed, to my occasional amusement. I was a police officer and saw and experienced so much doing that job that it's really grounded me. I've seen people in true moments of crisis, of desperation, in poverty, sickness, grief or just evil...basically, you name it, I should think I've seen it. There are some things that stick with me and I only have to close my eyes and they're there. Some of those things you can't really talk to normal, decent folk about in polite society so they sit there unspoken but so far fortunately in a way that causes me no harm. And through that job I realise I'm really lucky and, touch wood, if I can keep the things I listed away from my door - accepting we definitely don't get a choice with some of them - I'll be alright whatever else happens. I know I did a lot of good as a cop and some things I'm very proud of. I left though because it made sense for my family for me to come away from shifts and I don't regret going as everything since has proven me right.

My wider family is as dysfunctional as I've come to realise most families are - every single one has its quirks. Both parents were married to others in their 20s and my dad has kids from a previous marriage he hasn't seen in 30+ years. I only learned about that about 10 years ago and now as a father I find it hard to get my head around. I certainly can't reconcile the man I know with someone who could do that. But it's not something we talk about and I've no interest at all in meeting my half-siblings. My mum is 7 years younger than my dad and not yet 70, and yet has a slowly accumulating list of medical conditions and worries that have seriously reduced her quality of life by a thousand cuts. I find that hard and very sad because she can't be the grandmother to my daughters she wants to be. Plus she stubbornly insists on still living in the family house in Croxley, despite my dad's efforts since my sister and I left home over a decade ago to have them both move closer to us, and now one of the chickens (we won't be able to look after you when you're older) is rapidly coming home to roost. That's a worry. Oh and she's currently awaiting results of a biopsy on a growth in her lung that was picked up by chance on another unexpected hospital admission and which has caused her (understandably) a lot of distress in recent weeks. Talk has turned to wills and inheritance and protecting the grandkids from what she thinks is to come and that's hard ground to cover, especially while we're in limbo and don't know if it's even needed or not.

As for regrets in later life...well, there's still time to change the music yet. But some things you can't change. I wish I'd been more outgoing at school and thrown myself into more things. I'm far from a loner but I'm on the introverted side of the personality line and have learned coping mechanisms and compensators in my adult life I wish I'd had then. And even now I'm amazed at people who can maintain massive number of friendships. I have two guys I catch up with separately when there's no lockdowns etc but otherwise I find it hard to be bothered to keep in touch with people. It's such hard work. Anyway, the optimist in me reckons I'll figure the secret to that out next decade!

 

I didn't go to Uni, although I had the grades should I have wanted. But I decided to go and work overseas. It was partly to get away from an uncomfortable relationship with my dad. I loved him dearly, but we just didn't get on, and he was often telling me that I wouldn't amount to much. I desperately wanted to prove him wrong, but felt that it would be best achieved from the constant put-downs.

So in the September, instead of being packed off to Uni at 18, I was flying out to the far east to embark on the main reason for going - the chance to really take control of my own life. There was no internet, no mobile phones, and I only phoned home about 5 times. After 18 months, I had 3 months paid holiday. Flew home, and as my friends were all either at Uni or busy at work, after a week of boredom I went to Terminal 2 at Heathrow and picked a flight off the destination board and flew to Malaga on my own, again. I then spent 2 months in Torrelominos, which was a small resort back then. But I worked by day building a squash court centre, and by night in a bar, often followed by skinny dipping in the Med. I was told by the local police that my hair was too long. I had to leave, or get it cut (this was in General Franco's day and they were trying to attract tourists by getting rid of the "long haired hippie types" like me). So, I left and flew to Mexico via Madrid to spend the last month of my leave and arranged with my employer for me to work a year in Venezuela. I was 20 years old when I finished in Venezuela, and flew to New York (for a month) and then went to Marrakesh for 2 months (which included an unfortunate week when I was stoned out my mind on hashish), before returning to Watford to meet up with my mates from uni.

When my mates left Uni, I think it was probably about 6 or 7 years until they reached the same salary levels as I was on at age 21, and although some would have overtaken me in our 30's, I wouldn't change those three years (not at uni), for anything.

Dad never really obviously put me down after that, but is still (in his 90's) happy to bring up anything negative in my life and seems quite happy to discuss it at length, whilst glossing over anything positive.

 

I think for me it was a timing thing and a mental health thing. I was just not ready to go at that particular time and hadn't actually expected to make the entry grades, as I was projected something terrible, but managed to get reasonable grades.

I needed a year out, but at the age of 18, felt compelled to follow the path of least resistance and go to a university in London. Something went wrong, however and I ended up enduring a sort of mini-breakdown for a couple of years and dropped out.

I think I would have liked academic study, at the right time and on the right terms, though not sure what I would ever have done with it as a career. I never had a plan as a youngster about career or longer term goals and I both admire and envy your pursuit of your dreams within footie.

 

I was in very much the same boat, but unlike you I actually did defer for a year. Unfortunately I experienced and saw something at 17 that no one should ever really have to see at that age (or any age, to be honest), and I was suffering from severe PTSD coupled with a deep depression as a result. I don't think it was until I reached 26 or 27 that I finally managed to process things.

A year wasn't enough, though. The chickens still came home to roost anyway, although I did manage to stick the degree out and graduate with a 2:1. To this day I don't know how I did that; in my third year I basically stopped going to any lectures and seminars at all. I coasted on a fortunate ability to do well in exams, but I can't say I really learned a whole lot (not that it matters, since I've never actually used the degree in my career).

The unfortunate reality was that back then it was drilled into our heads that after school, you go to university or you're done for from a career perspective. I really needed 4-5 years to get back on an even keel before considering university and the supporting environment at the time just didn't make that an option. I think this is somewhere the western world has seriously dropped the ball; there are plenty of viable career paths that shouldn't go through university, but we've managed to twist ourselves into this stupid state of affairs where you almost need a degree to flip burgers at McDonalds now.

One thing my experiences rammed home was how intolerant society is of people who are struggling with mental health issues. You get treated like a leper by people who are supposed to be your friends, and you find out very quickly who your real friends are. Many people treat it as something to be ridiculed or sneered at, as if the person is weak or pathetic.

The vast majority of people will happily kick you into the ditch the moment you stop being useful or fun to them. It's something that only serves to further push down those who are struggling, akin to stepping on someone's head when they're already on the verge of drowning. A hard lesson learned very early in life: hold on to your real friends, because they're rare indeed.

 

Christ, I can't imagine. I have no idea how people manage to do that job. Respect.

 

Agree 100%. For all the lip service people pay to mental health, when you are at your lowest and no fun, people desert you like rats, but when you're back and all japes, they all want a piece of you again.

I terminated a lot of friendships and relationships because people had not been there when I needed them and I decided to cut them out. In the end I had to hold back because it would have meant me being completley alone if I didn't show some tolerance for people being flaky friends.

 

There’s some really good discussion on this thread. Thanks for the original post @Clive_ofthe_Kremlin.

 

I would say I’m quite happy now. I’ve always been someone who tries to take the positives out of things and not dwell on setbacks or allow them to define me in anyway.

I did have a period a few years ago when it seemed my life was just completely unravelling, starting with my marriage breaking up. This will probably sound very odd, but ultimately that made me a happier and better person. Obviously something like a marriage breakup is horrendous while you’re going through it, but it kind of taught me to care less about things, but in a good way. I don’t mean care less as in about things like friends and family, but just that nothing is a big deal, nothing really matters, material things don’t matter and so forth.

I’m a lot more laid back and happier for it. I wasn’t particularly highly strung or anything beforehand, but I did probably worry too much about material things and what people thought etc.

I’m now running my own business, and while it’s tough and the money is crap (at least for now) it’s infinitely more enjoyable than my last job. It was well paid but I worked 12 hour days and was to all intents and purposes part of a cult. I was in the cliched hamster wheel, but at time I had no idea as you’re sucked into the premise that you need to work yourself into the ground so you can buy the Rolex that everyone else has got.

Don’t get me wrong, I have some niggling worries, will the business work, will I be ok in retirement etc. But they’re fleeting worries and I don’t dwell in them for too long.

 

Well the uncertainty’s over. Incurable terminal lung cancer. Symptomless at the moment but that’s a proper kicker at the end of the week.

Balls.

 

Blimey, that’s awful. I know how you feel. Sorry…

 

Sorry to hear that. That's an awfully crap thing to have hanging over you.

 

My life changed for the better when I met the current and only Mrs Crockett.
Gawd knows where I would be now without her . It maybe an old cliche but
I am nothing without her .
So in answer to the O.P. ...... yes.

 

Sorry to hear that. Hope the time you have left is as good as it can be.

 

Really sorry to hear that. Lost my father in law to cancer 2 weeks ago. Enjoy the time left as best you can. Accept it’s coming but it’s coming for all of us, most of us don’t know when yet.

 

Damn. So sorry to hear this.

 

Sorry mate. That's ****.

 

So sorry to hear that news. Best wishes UEA.

 

Sorry to hear this UEA. Dammed rotten luck and awful news. All the best.

 

******* hell, sorry to hear that mate

 

Dreadful news UEA. Sorry to hear this.

 

Thanks all for your kind words. And an apology too, as on reflection that's one hell of a thread hijack and seems to have stifled the rest of the really interesting stories people were sharing.

 

So sorry to hear that UEA, I lost my older brother a couple of years ago to something similar, just try and stay strong for her sake.

 

I'm sad to hear your news UEA.
Rotten for you all.

 

Absolutely no need to apologize .
Sometimes you just need to get things off your chest
This place is as good as any

 

Was going to post almost the exact same, but Davy has said it all for me. No need to feel you need to apologise.