Bargain Hunt

French candlesticks.

"Let's watch, wait and see"

Steph sticks her tongue out in triumph.

2 great BBs.

A pretty good Auction.

I used to a have a Monocular. Easy to transport and take a sneaky peak, at er, birds, oh yes, definitely birds, of the feathered kind. Cough, cough.

 

oooh, those sticks will fly

 

blimey, had no idea they could go for *that* much, though.

 

Steph pink with pleasure. ahem. well done girl!

 

good episode! despite the aural pollution from Bluetroll.

 

Vital countryman kit indeed.
Here's mine, attached to a torch.
Never leave home without it, plus a pocket knife.
And a hipflask of 'medicine'.

 

Well done Blues. GG and a great win.

I was worried that the reds would sneak home, courtesy of the bonus buy, so good to see justice done.

Weeks' hipster deputy and his auction delivered good profits across most items.

 

Uncle Eric finds out he has a date with Rebecca Adlington.

 

BBC approved preamble:
Brackley 5
Bargain Hunt Series 57
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000n1wv
Eric Knowles and experts Richard Madley and Stephanie Connell go antique hunting in Brackley in Northamptonshire, before heading to Wiltshire for today’s auction. Eric also discovers a marvel of Victorian timekeeping that is still running like clockwork.

The Translation:
Jousting is the pre-credits theme. The traditional kind, not the homosexual face-to-face sword fighting that pops up as slang in the Urban dictionary. Resident Bargain Hunt King Uncle Eric is joined by Sir D1ckko of Maddingley, Madders Knight, and by Damsel not in distress, far from it, Lady Steph of Cockinmouth. Judging the contest today will be Martin Treebeard Hughes, part of Treepants Team from Wessex Auction Rooms. He's a Director and head of Vinyl Records to go with his vinyl vest and underwear for the alternative Wessex Jousting tournament later.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Uncle Eric Knowles, as safe as houses, he does love a sausage
[Red Team Expert] Richard Madley not Madeley, SportsMad D1ckko Madders
[Blue Team Expert] Stephanie Connell, the Cockermouth Cumbrian, the Auction-world state-educated trailblazer, poster girl for The 93%, Go Steph
[Auctioneer] Martin Treebeard Hughes
[Auction Location] Wessex Auction Rooms, Chippenham, Wilts
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Married couple, he's a paper scientist betrothed to Rebecca Adlington and her nose.
(Challenge: You can play or play with, snigger)
[Blue Team] Married couple, Financial officer and Payroll officer. The dinner conversation must be scintillating.
(Challenge: Comes as a pair, more snigger)

The Shopping:
Reds: Pair of Denby Arabesque coffee cup and saucer (20) topend, Vintage rocking horse (45 Challenge) OK, Birmingham silver cartridge cigarette case (100) topend.
Blues: Edwardian silver salt pots, (80 Challenge) topend, Boxed Dinky Toy Elevator loader (35) topend, Kiddies chair and foot stool (23) OK.

The Distraction:
Uncle Eric finds a model of HG Well's Time Machine and travels back 300 years. To Georgian Brackley filled with effette dandies and well-mannered extremely eligible young ladies. With George I on the throne everone is speaking German. Eric asks for an enormous wurst and is challenged to a duel, a Georgian joust. Uncle Eric gets his equipment ready and is arrested for exposing himself. "Do your wurst" he cries with a knowing look to an imaginary camera. While he distracts them with some delightful Georgian silver helmet de-cheesers he escapes to his Time Machine and heads back to the future. 3,000 years hence, BH has taken over the Planet. Foghorn's head in a jar barks out the latest bids while her futuristic tartan, Weep Face Grime has been turned into a neverending supply of searing energy. Uncle Eric heads back to 2022 and vows to stick to boring sleepy market towns rather than seek salami shenanigans.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Pair of Denby Arabesque coffee cup and saucer (small loss), Vintage rocking horse (Good profit), Birmingham silver cartridge cigarette case (10 squid loss).
Madders BB is a Leather cased Monocular (10) nice item, 20-40, 65. Excellent find Madders.



Blues: Edwardian silver salt pots, (nice profit), Boxed Dinky Toy Elevator loader (profit), Kiddies chair and foot stool (small profit) Golden gavel.
Steph's BB is a Pair of 19th Century French canlesticks (50), 50-80, 160. Brilliant find Steph.

​

The Aftermath:
A very good auction from Treebeard and some robust French bidding. 2 fantastic BBs making excellent profits. Madders Reds were unlucky with 2 of their items which made small losses, but his BB made an excellent profit and gave the team a very tidy 76 s0ds. Steph had a great day, 3 excellent items which made good profits and a Golden Gavel which was enhanced by Steph's fantastic BB which made 110 quid profit to make a total 3-figure 146 GBP of folding money. Take a bow Stephanie you did yourself proud today.



The Hi-Kick:
Outdoor Covid diagonal kick on uneven grass. Good effort and smart coordination after kicking on the half-turn like a chorus line. Blue Girl even out kicks Uncle Eric. Yes, YES!!

​

 

Welcome to Wessex Auction Rooms, Lot no. 666. A lovely retro Dinky Toy of a classic die-cast metal improvised explosive device in its original box. Lovely little item, lots of bang here for your buck. Shall we start the bidding at 3 deaths, yes, 3 deaths + 1 dismemberment, no, the bid is 3 deaths, my detonator is raised, BANG, responsibilty is claimed by the rich Saudi prince at the back. Next item, this garden trough adorned with saucepan lids, this upcycled item would make a lovely garden planter or ideally used as an eyesore to really p1ss off that ghastly next door neighbour who voted for Brexit.

 

Heh heh heh: especially imaginative Reg-a-nory distraction today!

I see Steph deployed her heels-in-grass growlervision-evasion. Deserves the let-off, tbf, after her dazzling performance.

 

oooh, hang on, Tash the Lash is on celeb antiques as we speak.
with Francis from The Quo (!)

 

The terrorist reference made me larf alot. Who would've thought that Wessex Auction Rooms was a radicalised indoctrination centre. If Muttley was wearing a bomb vest under that moth bitten pullover then who would ever know.

 

Is it this one with Linda Nolan whose hair turned grey after being manhandled by Saville on TOTP. Tory Boy Rossi is only now realising that he is the oldest object in the room.

 

that's the one.
Tash and Rossi flirting hard.
She just said she'd love to go on tour with him...
i can see her in double denim, tbf.

 

Jesus that one in the suit, where are his trousers? Why is he walking round bare-arsed on lunchtime tv? And doing the kick like it too! Oh they've got no shame these days.

I can see I'm going to have to write another letter to the BBC and start another petition. I'll call it 'No Kicks Without Kecks!'

 

Yeah watched that last night, the model railway in Brighton caught me and reeled me in. No high kick at the end which was probably a good thing.

 

me too.
irresistible for any bloke of A Certain Age, a model railway.
Rossi was getting well stuck into that bogey repair.
He's come a long way from snorting coke off 70s tart t*ts.

 

Will the Kock and Balls logo be appearing today?

The Squeak looks like he is wearing one of those comedy clown wigs.

 

Squeak squeak squeak. Harrow-gate. No, it's Harrogut you simpleton.

It's Dizzie tight jeans day today.

Snuff squeak, glass break.

Jeez, no more violin scratching.

Circus Peep Show. LOL

 

Circus chairs. Do they collapse when you sit on them?

Free hugs?

Boys, boys, bois?

What sort of circus have these come from?

My let-erin challinge

 

Urrrgghh. Thatcher teapot. No doubt the tea will be very unpalatable and bitter.

Dizzie imitating a wife of Henry VIII.

Foghorn fails with the signs.

Oh dear, Yorkshire skinflints in evidence.

 

"They wuz," squawks Danny repeatedly.
Viewing Partner has stomped out of the room in disgust: "it's bad enough that he looks like that and sounds like that but he could at least speak proper English." And she's French!

 

= Free pound profi'

He's moving into pidgin.

 

Maggie T(ea) has to be poured from a pot because
the lady's not for urning.

 

Typical management consultant Blue bloke gets it wrong.

 

After switching to a new wholefoods diet, Squeaky produces something to trouble North Sea shipping.

 

Yes, yes, talk dirty, say "Cheap as Chips". Urgh, urgh, I think I'm almost there. Oh literal sh1te, I've followed through!!

 

BBC approved preamble:
Harrogate 7
Bargain Hunt Series 63
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001fz6c
Danny Sebastian and the teams seek out profitable antiques in Harrogate with experts Izzie Balmer and John Cameron. In the Victorian spa town, Danny visits its famous tea rooms and learns about a vintage teapot collection.

The Translation:
It's another edition of the Kock & Ballsey auction jamboree. This week joining our hosts the super-smooth, silver-tongued squeak Danny Kock and the the Voice of Jericho, Caroline Ballsey, wearing her trademark Acrid Acid Klan Tartan. Joining them will be special guests Rizzie Dizzie Izzie Lizzie in her Lip-Reader squeak-fit jeans and Marine Boy Cameron bringing out the naughty in nautical. It's now time to play our game L.S.D., Lose Some Dosh at the Kock & Ballsey Klub Foot Auction House at Beverley Racecourse. The Yorkshire Cheeseparers look stony faced and keep their hands deep in the pockets. They couldn't be happier. Rave off!!

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Dogwhistle Danny Bubble & Squeak squeak squeak Sebastian, glass shatters
[Red Team Expert] Dizzie Izzie Barmy Balmer, another member of The 93%
[Blue Team Expert] John Marine Boy Cameron
[Auctioneer] Caroline Pinkeye Hawley pooouuunnnnddddssss thump, wearing the latest from Jean Apaulling Gawdytears range of Toilet Trench Tartan.
[Auction Location] Hawleys Auctioneers and Valuers, Beverley Racecourse
(Miserlin Rating: Approved)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Father & Daughter, UK South Asian (BBC box tick) Scousers (box untick) Sales Adviser and Civil Servant offspring
(Challenge: Lettering)
[Blue Team] Mother & Son, Speech therpaist and Management consultant
(Challenge: Numbers or numerals)

The Shopping:
Reds: Stone/Concrete garden dog (15) good, 2 extremely camp vintage circus signs (100 Challenge) ouch 3rd degree burns, Bronze elephant (35) topend.
Blues: Chester silver pencil (32) topend, Classix Nouveaux US enamelled silver handcut silver brooch with foghorn flowers (83) good, Boxed 1953 Coronation spoon (5 Challenge) easy profit says The Squeak.

The Distraction:
The Squeak talks about cups of tea. Unfortunatley, all the china breaks as soon as he says teeeeaaa. So, he has to go to Bettys Tearooms. Rare Teapots are viewed including a remarkable likeness of Her Majesty, Saint Margaret, Queen of Dementia, which produces a particularly nasty brown and putrid brew that would turn Dogwhistle Dan's teeth an even darker shade of brown. He spots some old crates out the back and asks if he can take them for a fiver.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Stone/Concrete garden dog (profit), 2 extremely camp vintage circus signs (big loss), Bronze elephant (loss).
Dizzie's BB is a Novelty bird cage in a glass dome clock (35), 20-40, 38, Sueaks a profit.



Blues: Chester silver pencil (1 squid profit), Classix Nouveaux US enamelled silver handcut brooch (loss), Boxed 1953 Coronation spoon (profit).
Marine Boy's BB is a Lalique glass sparrow (65), 50-80, REJECTED, 85. Nice item from MB and Blue Idiot Boy rejected.



The Aftermath:
Dreadful as always, shouting out the bids to the Yorkshire stone faces does not an Auctioneer make. Both teams make overall losses as standard for a Foghorn Auction. Near 3-figure loss thanks to Hawley's lack of Auctioneering skills. Mind, they seriously overpaid for the circus signs, the Yorkshire skinflints weren't going to go anywhere near the ton wanted for this. Dizzie's unusual clock made a small profit, but it still resulted in a large 2 figure loss. Idiot Blues made a small loss and would have made an overall profit if they listened to MB.



The Hi-Kick:
Standard outdoor kick with the Squeaki Hendrix Expurgience and his All's A Rung The Skipladder. Everyone hits par with some getting headshots.
The idiot Blue bloke management consultant, is in such a snatch trance looking up Dizzie's skirt, that he's later than a Doncaster teen sprog machine after a night on the razz. He's missed his project deadline. Yes, YES!!

​

 

Danny is never without that tightly-drawn skewed neckerchief thing. One wonders what would hapen if he loosened it. Perhaps his voice might drop to normal human level?
On the other hand, it makes it easy for someone to strangle him. Someone? Anyone? It is Christmas, after all....

 

Not often you see someone reject Lalique.
Pity it didn't cost the smug little rodent the match.

 

Squeaky presenting. Shouty auctioning. Just an awful assault on the senses today.

 

It really was incredible. When they cut to the valuation table reveal shot of Foghorn with Danny, I wondered whether my telly speakers would be able to cope with the incoming dynamic range of frequencies and volumes.
squeak squawk holler boom shriek yelp bellow howl whales-dying thames-tugs-in-fog gutted-cats voodoo-sacrificial-death-wails apocalypse-now

 

And to top it all, incomprehensible f*ckwit and aural hazard Rio Ferdinand pops up during the football, the wobbly gobbed tosser. ffs.