Bargain Hunt

Normally, Gaping Lesbians usually conjures up a images of a different sort.

 

The round-shouldered fascist salute.

 

Cheetah Ungawa .....

 

BBC approved preamble:
Southwell 9
Series 67
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001w422
We’re odds on for a cracking show at Southwell Racecourse in Nottinghamshire, where Nick Hall is riding alongside the reds and Izzie Balmer is in the saddle with the blues. Just down the road from today’s antiques fair in Nottinghamshire is Southwell Minster, a place of worship for more than a thousand years. Inside the minster’s chapter house, Charlie Ross marvels at the Leaves of Southwell, one of the world’s finest examples of 13th-century stone carvings. At Southwell Racecourse, two teams gallop around the stalls looking for bargains. The red team are friends Connor and James, skippered by expert Nick Hall. Lining up against them are couple Ruth and Emma, with Izzie Balmer. The reds almost get the hump when they see two camel figurines, and the blues don’t take a shine to a pair of bonbon dishes. What will the teams end up spending their £300 on? And will it be a photo finish at Caroline Hawley’s auction at another racecourse – Beverley in the East Riding of Yorkshire?

The Translation:
We're back to the destination of the earlier Radio Special, Southwell Racecourse in Notts. Tying himself in knots is the special with very special needs The Tool Charl-eh. He's more wireless than radio, an old crusty Balelite exterior with a large broken valve up top, and just like the airwaves, the output is piss, dribble, and shiit, not necessarily in that order, often all at the same time. Tolerating him, because they won't get paid otherwise, is Plaidy Hall, with his swastika style pin brooch and Dizzy Izzie, probably not dressed as Signal 2 toothpaste but with her ring of confidence close to her pot of sweet honey, undoubtedly, she'll be up for a spot of fiddling later. Err, violin orchestrations I mean with the Derby Symphonic Band. Talking of cacophonous unpleasantness, the Auction is with Supersonic Boom Hawley dressed in a Charity Outfit designed and manufactured by members of the Royal Institute of Blind People and then finished off by the Royal National Institute for Deaf People. Interesting to note that there's usually a spike in membership of these 2 organisations after one of her Auctions. Patrons of the 2 organisations were Phil The Greek and the late Queen. Watching Hawley on BH during Lockdown probably being a significant factor in both their states of deterioration.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Omnifool Charl-eh Ross
[Red Team Expert] Nick Plaid All Over Hall
[Blue Team Expert] Dizzie Izzie Barmy Balmer, the resident apiarist, her honey pot overflows.
[Auctioneer] Caroline Anadin Whatadin Hawley pooouuunnnnddddssss thump
[Auction Location] Beverley, East Yorks
[Miserlin Rating] Approved

​

The Teams:
[Red Team] The 20 Watt Twins, Dim and Dimmer, Restaurant Manager Connor and Plumber James who are friends, after the last few episodes, I wonder how friendly they are, they met at college or should that be cottage, Connor likes it big while James will be coming out of the closet, the water closet, he has lofty ambitions, let's hope they don't tank.
(Challenge: A piece of sculpture)
[Blue Team] Business (Monkey business?) owning same sex couple Ruth and Emma (BBC Diversity box ticked ad infinitum), confirming the on-going contestant hiring trend
(Challenge: Containing a precious metal)

The Shopping:
Reds: Brass Persian Table with wooden folding legs (30) good, Art Deco spelter figure (80 Challenge) ouch, Vintage American Medical Poster (80) ouch.
Blues: Dachshund dog boot scraper (15) OK, Art Deco travelling set (80) ouch, Mexican silver contemporary bracelet (38) OK.

The Distraction:
Just down the road from today’s antiques fair in Nottinghamshire is Southwell Minster, a place of worship for more than a thousand years. Inside the minster’s chapter house, Charlie Ross marvels at the Leaves of Southwell, one of the world’s finest examples of 13th-century stone carvings. The Fool is taken to a local church to view and roll around in a pile of damp, rotting leaves. That'll teach him to treat his Production Crew as his personal dogsbody, arse wiper, and fluffer. A crowd gathers and they are soon joined by the 2 large men in the padded van who will take him away for his special holiday.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Brass Persian Table with wooden folding legs (10 loss), Art Deco spelter figure (40 loss), Vintage American Medical Poster (40 loss).
Plaidy's BB is a Chinese cabinet/side table (110), 40-60, 20. Plaidy self-combusts.

​

Blues: Dachshund dog boot scraper (25 profit), Art Deco travelling set (35 loss) Mexican silver contemporary bracelet (17 profit)
Dizzie's BB is a Early 20th century silver and enamel pansy brooch (34), 40-60, 65. Nice item that makes a nice profit. Well done Dizzie.

​

The Aftermath:
Ying and Yang Hawley Auction with her usual Audience of ThriftPlus Gurus. Hello Australia she bellows. Yup, they can actually hear her from there. Wet behind the ears Red Team and DVD Blue Team who aren't keen on jugs but end up fondling and fingering boxes and rings and conclude with a pansy! Plaidy and his very green Red team had a really bad day at the office (copyright Shaun The Chaser Wallace), 3 items, all lazily valued at 40-60 by Foghorn, all destined to help attain the dreaded Anti-Golden Gavel. Harsh on the Brass Persian Table that would normally make a profit, but the Spelter figure was overpriced and the damaged Vintage American Medical Poster was a big risk which failed. Regarding the medical poster Jericho opines that she wouldn't like it on her dinner room wall as it would put her off her meal, well it would make a welcome distraction for anyone else from her hideous outfit. It's during this discussion that the Posh twit admits he failed Biology at school. This was his excuse when he was later caught putting his dip pen in the wrong 'un. The Plaidster's BB of skipbound table, it had a huge visible chunk bashed off a corner, was a risk too far. The only person from the Orient purchasing this would be for the club owner's hound as something to chew, and Koch its leg over. It just about took 20 notes proving that the price of firewood has indeed gone up. So this Grand Slam of Losses means the Reds finish on minus 175, Nick's worst every return. Dizzie and her re-tyred Axminster epicurean Blue Team fared much better. The Dachie boot licker, I mean scraper, got the sale off on the right footing. During the valuation Foggy revealed that her son has a Dachshund. No doubt a hearing helping dog after having his eardrums perforated during his formative years. A largish loss on the Art Deco travelling set, ends the Lesbos lurkers saga to win the Golden Fleecy Gavel. Things then got back on track with a profit on the Mexican silver, which must be genuine as it didn't cause a rash on contact. With a heavy school dinner ladle of custard slop of irony, Dizzie's BB was a silver and enamel pansy. An item constructed with Sarky Marky in mind to find and fondle. It is nice and makes a good profit and the vintage scissoring sister Blues win with a decent profit (very decent considering Foghorn was presiding) of 38.

​

The Hi-Kick:
Outdoor kick on grass by the race track. The Fool is up early and everyone else is close behind bar Dizzie who is a little tardy with her elevation. With the sun shining directly in their faces the shadows thwart a sneaky peak of Dizzie's Delight. Yes, YES!!

​

 

Interestingly (or not), the experts have now formed distinct clusters/bands.

Philip Serrell 12.08 Kate Bliss 8.90 Champions League

Stephanie Connell -0.46 Roo Irvine -2.98 UEFA League

Nick Hall -6.11 Raj Bisram -5.70 Ochuko Ojiri -5.88
John Cameron -6.00 Irita Marriott -5.33 Premier League

Danny Sebastian -11.77 Tim Weeks -12.52 Richard Madley -11.60 Izzie Balmer -12.22
Caroline Hawley -14.57 Mark Stacey -13.11 Thomas Forrester-16.29 Championship

David Harper -21.11 Charles H****n -21.76 Colin Young -21.86
Jonathan Pratt -25.33 Catherine Southon-29.56 League One

Gary Pe -38.02 Ben Cooper -46.33 League Two

 

good stuff. just the sort of analytical byproduct we want from the RegLeagueTables.

 

what a riff! Foghorn the regicide. call the cops.

Interesting to note that there's usually a spike in membership of these 2 organisations after one of her Auctions. Patrons of the 2 organisations were Phil The Greek and the late Queen. Watching Hawley on BH during Lockdown probably being a significant factor in both their states of deterioration.

 

Bliss does well with the enamel compact and the Scandi enamelled cufflinks. Duck bookends wash their face.

Silver plated pepper pot at 20 quid looks a bargain.

Great expertry from Bliss. Just 1 quid off a GG

 

aargghh! didn't realise it was on! thank goodness for SeriesLink recording.

p.s. fao Reg - very minor Hammer with sexy Carole Gray on Legend later this afternoon...this frame brings to mind certain, umm, modern evening entertainments

 

heh. Carole and the best Bondette ever looking like the director has just tried suggesting they play the scene in their underwear...

 

Time for a BH Sunday roast of a large basted bird followed by a right gooseberry fool. That's right it's Charl-eh.

Welcome to Somerset he says, a county known for: West Country Scrumpy smocked-up bumpkins; for Brexit-inspired in-breeding; and for the height of English cultural sophistication, The Wurzles,

Amazing features will be observed, shame it's not Christina or the other girls.

At least it's a Collectors Fair.

Blah blah blah the rooles.

BAME Optical Reds. Retired Eye Surgeon Father looks like he's been operating on his own eyes.

He;s says Going, going, gone. In the style of the man who will not be named anymore.

BAME box partially ticked for the Blus as the Diversity meter hits 11. The non-BAME Blue Bloke is called Lyn, so perhaps he hides a secret that nudges the diversity meter to 13.

They are neighbours. Yes, I bet they are.

Red Daughter has been on the "stimulants" judging by her Foghorn-style, but not quite that bad, shouting . Good good retorts the Fool, his stock phrase when his mind is Blank, which is 99.999999999999% of the time.

Rick Wakeman (Lge One), Trilly (CL) are the experts. Wycombe v Man City

Dagger & Cloak Weeks is Today's Gavelling Ref with The Fool on VAR, how appropriate.

Knackered snail now a knackered camp bed.

Toys will go down well at a Treepants Auction.

Trilly spots a comforting combination compact.

Oooo-arrr I'll take 30.

He immediately drops to 20. Obviously, wants to get rid.

Expensive Clarice Cliff beehive which causes a buzz.

Boot scrapers usually sell well.

Royal spoons. zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Colin pulls out the bare-faced cheek pun for the Bears.

Expensive naked lady.

Chinese silver, instant rash on contact.

Antique silver knuckle duster.

Silver cigarette case, probably French. Yup to hold those chain-smoking Gauloises stink bombs.

Trilly mentions that a Weeks auction is toytastic.

Expensive Brummie silver.

No real bargains leaping out.

Naive = plain and simple as in a naive Hawley

Blue enamel David Anderson Scandi silver has Trilly creaming.

Colin trying to twist arms over Clarice Cliff.

Edwardian silver christening tankard is as dull as it shines.

Very uninspiring items today.

Those cufflinks are nice but are a gamble.

Let's get back to the clubhouse says the Fool wearing his seal clubbing gear.

Charl-eh goes to see HG Welles The Time Clock and gets transported to the future where Bargain Hunt rules the world with the Eloi Christina Reds battling with the Morlock Hawley Blues. Naturally the Reds win every time and the Christina Reds dirtily laugh while pulling Up The Arse faces to send the Hawley Blues scuttling back to their underground lair to squint at the cue cards and patronisingly shout in the vast echo chamber.



Treepants loves a bit of cast iron.

Not optimistic on the bears.

Tankard OK.

Combination compact. It screams Art Deco says the Art Deco molester.

Book ends OK.

Chance with the Scandi silver.

Very run-of-the-mill episode will sink or swim with the Auction.

Boot scraper doubles its money. Red daughter is a screamer and not in a good way.

Loss on the Teddy Bear shows that Rick Wakeman doesn't really know much about them.

Small profit on the tankard.

Colin's BB is a shiiitty damaged Chinese vase. That's 45 notes down the toilet.

It's an air gun target practice item.

It makes a fiver. That was lucky.

Reds make 31 notes. Underwhelming profit for underwhelming items.

Compact makes a fat profit. Trilly shoots and Trilly scores.

Book ends wipe their face.

Andersen silver flies. 25 note profit.

Trilly BB is Trilly silver pepper mill. 20 notes. Trilly onto another winner.

Treepants fills his Trillpants.

18 note profit. So close to another Trilly inspired GG.

Petunia has enjoyed bidding on Trilly's items today. 69 profit overall.



A bit of a humdrum episode. 2 sets of boring contestants lifted just above the tedium by Trilly's buys and a decent Treepants Auction. If it was a marmalade or jam it would be Robertson's Golden Shred without the Golly. Very bog standard and very safe.

 

Here's the full picture of Christina I used above just to slowly roast your heart's c0ckles.

 

We'll meet again discussion from last May.

Reg:
Now, WTF was this?



OT78:
'Disappoined extra rues failure to make Wicker Man cut'
Or
'Grand National first-fence pile-up produces horror hybrid'

"But why would we have bought it?" politely but incisively asks Redbird of BB vase.
Don't start down that road, luv.

Weeks at his coaxing seductive best on the hammer today.
'i'm dancing!' did he just shout?
Very eurovision-week.

Tim thrilled to be called The Boss by Charlie.

Reg:
No doubt to be followed by some mutual spanking later.

OT78:
ooooh, GG 100 pennies away...

good contest.
Nice to see ex-chancellor of exchequer Zahawi rebuilding his life on the Red team.
Appears to have gone grey almost overnight , which you'd expect from someone involved in the Truss Terror

Reg:
LOL. Very good.

OT78:
those cufflinks were lovely.
Do people still wear them, though?

Reg:
Decent dress shirts, or just a nice up-market shirt, do come cuff buttonless. I've got my Dad's old gold ones.

OT78:
Me too. Dad's dad's. ww2 vintage. But never get the chance to wear them.
though, tbf, not every occasion appreciates the engraved swastikas.

Colin Young is doing a 1970/80s number.
Gone from longhaired progrock quasi-tramp to sharp-suited shorthaired thrusting dealmaker.
Yippytastic

Reg:
Very mod. Very Absolute Beginners.

OT78:
Doubly Colin, then.

hey, why have i ended up 'doing the live Reg' today?
Where are you, El Presidente?

*slaps forehead*
Of course. bank holiday.
Must be sat in a park being forcefed stale coronation quiche and warm beer.

Reg:
No chance of that. Watched it live but unable to right report etc until later.

 

Re-up of the full report with additions.
BBC approved preamble:
Shepton Mallet 26
Series 64
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001ltb4
Charlie Ross presents today’s show from Shepton Mallet Antiques, Vintage and Collectors Fair. Helped by experts Kate Bliss and Colin Young, the teams scour the stalls for the most profitable items to sell at auction. Charlie heads to Wells Cathedral to marvel at the oldest clock with a dial in the world.

The Translation:
The tool Charl-eh extols the virtues of Somerset namely Cheddar Cheese, potent scrumpy, The Wurzles, the President of their fan club Jacob Rees-Moog, and the its Jewel-in-the-Crown Butlin's Minehead Resort, can't wait to see R-M down there on Election Day, with Nanny in tow, on the paddle-boating lake before a round of crazy golf. The Gurniac is joined by Rick Wakeman and Tight Togged Trilly. A very metrosexual auction will be had by Treepants Weeks in his Wessex Wunderbar Wokehole.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Omnifool Charlie The Tool Ross
[Red Team Expert] Colin Rapido Young, short-haired non-Rick Wakeman variant
[Blue Team Expert] Kate Shrilly Trilly Bliss as posh as her dress is tight
[Auctioneer] Timpole Tudor Wunderbar Weeks
[Auction Location] Wessex Auction Rooms, Chippenham
[Miserlin Rating] Unlisted

​

The Teams:
[Red Team] Retired eye surgeon Father and optician Daughter (BBC BAME box ticked)
(Challenge: With paws)
[Blue Team] Mixed sex nosey neighbour teach and lawyer (BBC BAME box ticked) and retired engineer, they don't say friends, so they might hate each other
(Challenge: With feet)

The Shopping:
Reds: Victorian cast-iron boot scraper (40) good, Steiff teddy bear and his mate (80 Challenge) might struggle, Edwardian silver christening tankard (44) OK.
Blues: Art Deco and cigarette case with Guilloche style decoration (20) OK, Art Deco marble and bronze duck bookends (55 Challenge) OK, David Andersen Norwegian silver gilt and blue Guilloche cufflinks (135) good. Treepants creams.

The Distraction:
The senile fool turns up at Wells Cathedral to marvel at his old kock. He gets it out. Oh, its uniqueness, its age! There have been many written accounts about it mainly in The Sun and the Daily Star. It has some incredible features and has an impressive claim to fame. It's the second-oldest Kock in England, and it's the world's oldest working Kock with an ornate head. He demonstrates the ancient art of Kock jousting, whacking his bell against various wooden objects on the quarter until his eyes glaze over, his head spins and he falls asleep in the nearest pew which turns out to be Blind Pew.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Victorian cast-iron boot scraper (large profit), Steiff teddy bear and his mate (loss), Edwardian silver christening tankard (small profit).
Rick's BB is a Chinese baluster vase with repair (45), 30-40, 50. Small profit. That's OK.

​

Blues: Art Deco and cigarette case with Guilloche style decoration (good profit), Art Deco marble and bronze duck bookends (evens stevens), David Andersen Norwegian silver gilt and blue Guilloche cufflinks (nice profit).
Trilly's BB is a Hukin & Heath silver-plated pepper mill (20), Treepants adds cream 15-25, 38. More excellent work Trills.

​

The Aftermath:
Treepants was on good form during the valuing and consequently delivered a good Auction. There was a busy-body looking biddy bidder, Petunia, who for the sake of a couple of quid stopped bidding. The sort who's twitching net curtains would reveal a daily ledger of the comings and goings in the neighbourhood. Subtle blackmail material to curry favour with the parish council, except she doesn't like curry, too foreign. Or she's there tutting about the litter or complaining to the Daily Express about the latest influx of foreign migrants who help bolster the essential services she relies on. Rick's Reds featured a real potential screamer Red Lady, who only made a loss on the Teddy Bears and made a nice overall profit. Trilly's Blues came within a 1 pound Gnat's chuff away from a Golden Gavel in a pretty good showing making a nice profit. Decent Auction, OK Distraction, Trilly Good and Colin OK Experts, Boring contestants. About as Par for an episode as you can get.

​

The Hi-Kick:
Conventional indoor kick in front of some boxes. Well coordinated effort with everyone hitting par bar retired Blue bloke who struggles with it. Yes, YES!!

​

 

Foghorn/Hammer interface on Legend tonight:

The Gorgon

• Horror
• Drama

• 1964
• Terence Fisher
• 79 mins
• X

The snake-tressed, petrifying spirit of the Greek mythological creature haunts a German village.

"POUNDZZZ!!!"

p.s. followed by 'The Black Torment'. (Starring The Squeak?!)

 

I'm confused. After seeing the delightful Teddy Bears on today's episode I typed in 'Teddy for night time comfort', I got a link to Etsy and ended up with this:

 

Terry Fisher Hammer. The Best!!!!!!

 

Island of Terror, from the very sub-Hammer Planet Films.

Island of Terror, also known as Night of the Silicates[2], is a 1966 British horror film released by Planet Film Productions. The film was released in the United States by Universal Studios on a double bill with The Projected Man (1967).

 

How about the ladies of Thunderball. Today, the Thunderball is 3!!!!

 

One of the many many french Bondettes above (Auger).
I have a feeling France may have produced the most, or near enough?

p.s. the one on the right very reminiscent of something that gave me thunderballs...

 

Hmm. Which Bond film best suits Christina...
Her colouring prompts the thought of replacing Jill St John in Diamonds but surely she'd be best as Mrs Bond in OHMSS

 

...or the title role in Optipussy.

 

This comment almost persuaded me to pick up these in my local antiques centre today..

 

Are those Bongos in the above picture? Never seen those on BH, perhaps with good reason.

 

One of those helmets has a joystick attached.
Modesty forbids me speculating upon what one might do with it, once Izzy has donned the appliance.

Any suggestions, Timmy?

 

something something The Squeak something Live And Let Die something something voodoo trance bongo fever something something naked female sacrifice let's hope it's foghorn

 

hmm.
'Voodoo Trance Bongo Fever'
What a great title for an early 70s brazilian latin/funk compo LP.

 

Second time today we've had cause to run a pic of a saucy brunette threatened by something scaley and elongated..

 

Has to be Dr Yes!!! Her conches would help make the keenest blade.

Or perhaps an amalgam of two, Plenty O'Goodhead.

​

 

The box behind it also says Drive In, as if you'd need to be told what to do.

 

I feel a Jess Franco Soundtrack Compilation coming on.

 

Ornela Muti was always a Bondette-in-waiting. Shame it was never fulfilled.

 

Also, let's not forget the stunning Marisa Mell, here in Mario Bava's sumptuous Danger: Diabolik!

Cough!!! Here it is, the lot:


Trailer:


Teaser:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOUj3DhAEzg

Trailers From Hell:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PYKH7p2p_U

 

Stars of Thunderball Claudine Auger and the infamous glove and glove bearer.