Bargain Hunt

Re-up frpm Jan 2023 with additions.
BBC approved preamble:
Eccleston 17
Series 64
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001h903
Danny Sebastian and the teams search for profitable antiques in Lancashire with experts Izzie Balmer and Colin Young. Danny visits the historic Astley Hall in Chorley to learn about some intriguing items of furniture.

The Translation:
Today we're back in the Ee-By-Gum Bygone Times Rag & Bone centre in Eccleston. Presiding is the Charge of the Sh1te Brigade's, Danny Sebastapol, as it also ended in total disaster. "Oh, yes, they call him The Squeak (Buggity, buggery)." He enjoys Eric Morecambe Bay Potted Shrimps, particularly if he can keep the pot and upcycle it as a bespoke window display for some Hoxton Hipster stand-up coffee emporium, Treepants is his man for selling this. Joining him will be Rick Wakeman (except he's back to short hair), let's hope the only hash he presides over is of the Lancs Potato variety, and Dizzie Izzie, who should be able to Bury a Black Pudding. G'Day, auction will be in Lytham St Annes with Les Patterson, who will attempt to extract a few shekels out of the assembled skinflints and pennypinchers. Fingers crossed it's not a Lancashire Hotchpotch.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Danny Smoke Alarm Sebastapol Sebastian, glass shatters along with any hopes
[Red Team Expert] Dizzie Izzie Barmy Balmer, another member of The 93%, She enjoys a Ram but is not keen on dark wood.
[Blue Team Expert] Colin Rapido Young, non-Rick Wakeman variant
[Auctioneer] John Les Patterson Cook
[Auction Location] Lytham St Annes, Lancs
[Miserlin Rating] Approved

​

The Teams:
[Red Team] Mixed sex couple, Nurse and support worker. I wonder if she wears her uniform off-duty. Cough.
(Challenge: 20th century furniture)
[Blue Team] Married female same sex, BAME flavoured, short-haired etc (BBC woke diversity boxes ticked), Retired and Training Consultant.
(Challenge: Decorative carved item)

The Shopping:
Reds: Telephone seat/table (50 Challenge) OK, Edwardian dresser/Chester Drawers (100) ouch, Cut glass decanter (19) OK.
Blues: Tribal-style wooden birthing chair (12 Challenge) good, Art Deco-style Dancing figurine (40) OK, Wooden camphor wood chest (75) OK.

The Distraction:
Dan Dan Smoke Alarm visits the historic Rick Astley Hall in Chorley, which He's never going to give up ,to learn about some intriguing items of furniture, including a bed that Olly Cromwell allegedly slept in. The puritan's stained sheets are hanging up in a display cabinet ready for some Jurassic Park style cloning to resurrect the New Puritans (see below). As soon as he enters the building, security is alerted. The Squeak tells them he's here to evaluate the furniture and to see if anything can go for a steal. The Lancs Police Anti-Tinker Squad are called and The Squeak accidentally falls down the stairs and is mistakenly used as a punch bag. Later on, the Rozzers apologise and admit they had taken advice on handling certain persons from a wider Commonwealth ancestry, from the Met Abuse, Deviancy and Inequality division, and couldn't understand his high-pitched squeaking protestations. Looks like some more Gold teeth will be required.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Telephone seat/table (loss), Edwardian dresser/Chester Drawers (big loss), Cut glass decanter (loss).
Dizzies's BB is a 1904 is a gun-shaped pencil, ink, pen item (52) pen went missing in transit 40-60, 120. Excellent find Dizzie.

​

Blues: Tribal-style wooden birthing chair (small loss), Art Deco-style Dancing figurine (small loss), Wooden camphor wood chest (loss)
Rick's BB is Beswick Puma On rock pottery (Matt) (25), 30-40, 48. Good work Rick. Well we all love a Model Cougar. Cough, choke, splutter.

​

The Aftermath:
These Antique centres without sellers are so soulless. Couple that with a lisping Les Patterson Auctioneer who has the charisma of one of The Squeak's binned apple crates and you have a disaster waiting to happen. It was double Anti-Golden Gavel time. Everything made a loss bar the 2 BBs which made excellent profits, resulting to a small loss for the Reds and a small profit for the Blues. Dizzie's Reds were particularly unlucky as the dip pen part of her pistol BB got lost in transit. Complete it would have made a greater profit and no doubt victory would be for the Reds. Haven't they heard of bubble wrap and a decent jiffy bag. Lumme, as they used to say in my childhood War Comics,, a subject ripe for discussion.

​

The Hi-Kick:
Standard indoor kick. Good effort all round with everyone hitting at least par, Unfortunately, Dizzie's foot obstructs Red girl's attempted Growler exposure. Shame. However, shuffle forward to the present day and a few frames later, we do get a glimpse. Yes, YES!!

​

 

I think there is a reason why they call them Beswick Pumas.

Searching for beswick mature woman cougar gives this as its top hit. These could well re-lead your pencil so to speak.



Also, Martine Beswick (Hammer and Bond, Double Plus Good) cropped up:

 

I'm going to research this now

 

An outstanding appraisal of a pretty average (apart from the presence of Dizzie, obviously) episode. Love the Bury Black Pudding play on words. (Stands and gives Reg unprecedented 5 minutes standing ovation for this fabulous narrative.)

 

seems the cougar is no longer available

the nearest you can get is the snow leopard
https://www.johnbeswick.co.uk/natural-world/natural-world-snow-leopard/

or you could go for the "adorable ferret". Indeed!
https://www.johnbeswick.co.uk/the-adorables-removed/rspca-the-adorables-ferret/

 

Bless your heart, but I was more interested in the 'mature woman Beswick videos.'

 

I do try!

 

Perhaps the rutting stag or maybe even the Dalmatian in union with the corduroy-trousered leg.

Evidently, Age 30-39: Puma. Age 40-49: Cougar. Age 50-59: Jaguar. Age 60-68: Panther.

However, on further investigation the Urban Dictionary proposes this scale.

 

BBC ticking their boxes again..

so disappointed its not Tash...

 

Dizzie gets tag-teamed with the DVDs (D1kk van Lyndon Dykes)

The Blues feeling the box. It's really different. Yes, you are, orperhaps not based on current trends.

 

subtitle guy on the ball...

 

Blues are fondling boxes and fingering rings.

 

Overspent on big spends and Hawley wielding the Gavel. Not a good Outlook.

 

Nick's BB looks like firewood to me.

 

Dreadful auction. That Chinese cabinet has seen better days. Hawley hates it. I like it immediately.

Poor Plaidster. -175 in one of the worst Auctions ever.

Shall I turn the volume up says Jericho. FFS DON'T DO THAT.

Pansy for the Blue Team. Arf arf.

HELLO AUSTRALIA

They can hear her from there.

Ha, terrible for the Reds, decent for the Blues.

 

Wow. That has to be one of the worst BBs ever.

 

Blues have won already. Game over.

 

I don't think the rest of their items cost 220 between them, which is what they need to lose to finished behind reds.

 

Hawley with her worst 'pownze' ever on that Mexican bracelet.

 

Pansy broach. Lovely thing.

 

Brilliant buy Izzie. Nick has had a terrible day at the office. I think he was to blame for the awful biological poster too.

 

Is there a scale for women who prey on older men? no? thought not... oh well..

 

Yet another Dizzie episode.... My cup runneth over!

 

'I love everything French," warns Hawley.
You keep away from us, Medusa.

Second time we've seen intestines this week - not counting all the tripe.

Viewing Partner is slagging off Plaidy, making me Pleady on his behalf.

 

Dear @reg_varney

Hmm, Dizzie seemed in a very huggy mood on that shopping day too (not so much at the auction) and with her comment about avoiding wood yesterday... Should I be concerned?

A horny Dizzie fan.

 

agreed 100%

 

Ask Moog to lend you one of his sauceboats

 

"Shall I turn the volume up?" threatens the woman always at 11.

Reg: 'HELLO AUSTRALIA
They can hear her from there.'

Arf!

That brooch was fab, says this non-pansy.

 

A lot of perspiring Izzy flesh on display today, including strappy feet.
I sense one of our number will have been very happy.

 

Game on ......

 

A veteran of a Foghorn Auction has resorted to wearing classic Red/Blue 3D-specs to shield her eyes from the latest wardrobe monstrosity. The excitement in the room reaches Fever Pitch when the Tea trolley with luxury Rover Biscuit tin assortment are brought out for the refreshment break.

 

Bit of a post-prod fark up spotted. At least I'm a bit more with it than Joe Biden. Art Deco loss followed by Poster loss with the same item used for both. Tut, tut, and double Tut.