50 Ways to Stop a Quick Free Kick

Everyone is hanging back with their ideas until the 49th idea is posted. Shame on you all.

34. "Defective sprinkler system" mysteriously turns on immediately after the foul.

16 more

 

35. Exploding ball with Joka on the red button.

15 left.

 

36. Complain to the ref that the goals are the wrong size.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/29774585

 

37. Surely it would be a lot simpler to say to the ref that the ball's air pressure seems a bit low and could the ball be replaced.

 

38. Just as the opponent is about to take the free kick, go back in time to 1885, write a letter and give it to DHL with explicit instructions not to be opened until [insert date here] to be delivered to said opponent on the pitch at the exact time of the free kick, telling him that you are alive and well and living as a Blacksmith in the old west.

When the player eventually finishes reading the letter, a sufficient amount of time should have passed for our defence to have fully prepared and organised itself.

 

That is my absolute favourite. I do it every Sunday league game my team are winning, wastes so much time and the ref normally forgets to stop his watch when checking the ball.

 

Problem is the delivery time will be the correct date but anytime between 8am and 8pm.

 

39. The 'phantom pregnancy' method whereby you stuff the ball up your shirt and tell the ref you think you might be going into early labour. The club midwife (the Pozzos like to cover every base) runs on, delivers (no pun intended) her diagnosis of "you're 'avin' a larff mate" and gives the ball/baby to the ref so the free kick can now be taken ...

 

40. Just before the opponent is about to take the kick, set up a mobile tattoo parlour next to the ball. What footballer can resist.

 

41. The 'chiropody emergency' method whereby you alert the ref's attention to the fact that you've inadvertently put your boots on the wrong feet. Obviously, if you wander off to the touchline you might inflict further self damage, so insist that you sit down and change them over on the pitch. Once his back is turned, it's easy to conceal the fact that you had them on the correct feet in the first place ...

Nine to go guys. Geddin' there. C'mon u 'Orns ...

 

42. Lost contact lens ... works 100%

 

43. Cage a couple of Jack Russells underneath the centre spot. As soon as free kick is awarded, flip the switch to trigger the trapdoor and release the hounds.

 

44. The 'chemical stimulant' method. Crack (no pun intended) open a phial of 'hornet attack pheremone' so mascot Harry comes running on and sets about various members of the opposition in an uncontrollable frenzy ...

6 to go. Ffs get with this guys. C'mon u 'Orns.

 

45. Hold up a load of foils in the Rookery to show black and white stripes, a RED poppy and the years 1914 and 2014. All the players point to it and while the opposition are standing in awe, we get organised to defend the free kick.

 

Slight tangent but how many remember the Watford tactic used a few times (1st GT era?) when we were awarded a free kick near opposition box of our attackers setting up their own wall about 8 yards from ball so opposition wall have to be behind them and their goalie is unsighted. Then just as kick about to be taken split and run to prearranged positions.

Totally threw man marking!

 

As I remember the media caused such a stink that refs put an end to it by treating it as poor sportsmanship. Not sure it ever was made illegal because I'm sure I've seen it used in the lower divisions since.

 

Yes, I thinkit was something like that, although I've still seen other teams lower down to he pyramid try similar.

The other thing with that sort of stuff it it loses the surprise element once word gets about.

 

Oh the 'explosion' free kick.

Yes, that was brilliant while it lasted. The opposition didn't know what to make of it the first couple of games we did it.

 

Didn't we do something similar when Ashley Young was taking our free kicks? Maybe with just a couple of our players nearer the ball? Or did we only use 'muscling' into their wall instead then?

Anyway, we can use this helpful interlude to continue to move inexorably towards your target.

No.46. The 'deja vu experience' method. We conveniently forget that our 'explosion free kick' was an offensive strategy and, as soon as the ref's lined up our wall with his can of shaving foam, our entire wall immediately takes two steps forwards and claims 'it's always been the Watford way'.

 

Millwall clearly didn't read this thread.

 

You assumed Millwall can read?

 

47. The 'sign up a foreigner method' whereby you show a few poppy wearing WW2 vets in a pub in Edinburgh a pic of the Rookery display on your iphone. They immediately agree to be recruited as WFC 'shock troops' and travel south with a view to running on the pitch to disrupt proceedings, as required and at a moments notice, babbling inchoherently in an unintelligible language and claiming 'no comprende' when the ref requires them to get off.

 

48 make the opposition think you have ebola

 

49. The 'Solipsistic' Method - start espousing Cartesian theory to the referee and opposition players, arguing that you only believe that you exist, and thus you deny the reality of the concept of 'free kicks' and refuse to continue playing or allowing the 'free kick' to be taken until the reality of the 'free kick', and indeed the football and all other matter itself is proven to you. This will result in either large-scale confusion amongst the referee and opposition players, or spark a serious, deep and intelligent philosophical debate - either way, this will allow plenty of time for your defence to organise itself in an appropriate fashion.

 

50. Cry. Not a little sniffle. I mean properly bawling like a toddler. Roll around, kicking the air and thrash about until the ref changes his decision out of embarrassment because all the other officials are looking at him.

 

Hilarious and so very adaptable. As you say, Descarte's thinking could be used to hold things up all over the pitch as could a discussion around the historical significance of Plato and Aristotle. Bentham's and Mill's utilitarianism work might be useful as a delaying tactic on the right and Kierkegaard's, Nietzshe's, Heidegger's and Sartre's existentialism thrown into the mix to hold things up a bit on the left. A one-liner around Kant's 'categorical imperative' could serve as a quick fix on the half-way-line.

Seeing as we have an international squad our players might be encouraged to research the positions of the relatively minor philosophers of their own nationalities. It's about time the Pozzos got a proper grip here and appointed an experienced 'philosophical coach' to develop our play in this area.