50 Ways to Stop a Quick Free Kick

We know 150 I reckon, that just hold things up a moment whilst the defence gets back in to place.


1. The "just passin' thru" method. Trudge very slowly back towards our half, passing right next to the retreating free kick taker and the ball. Fessi does an excellent variation on this when he has conceded the free kick. Whilst dawdling back, he has his head bowed and shaking sadly - mortified and bewildered by the injustice of the award - he's oblivious to shouts, entreaties and peeped whistles and can hardly be blamed for poodling right through the middle of their quick free kick routine, forcing them to abort.


2. The helpful menace method. Player 1 who's been fouled is still sprawled on the pitch, while player 2 grabs the ball and tries to place it for a quick free kick, only to be thwarted by the comradely gesture from our player who committed the foul, rushing over to stand over the ball and offer a helpful hand to player 1 to get him back on his feet.

3. The "I saw the light" method. Noted this one yesterday. Retreat 10 yards with the ref, then as he turns his back and as the free kick taker retreats to begin his run up, shuffle forwards with arms raised in a 'praise the lord' style so you're about 5 yards away when he comes to kick it.

4. The "Can you hear me mother?" method. This is a real team effort and was again seen yesterday. As the wall forms up, make endless shouted technical queries to the referee making him back up, then come forward, to answer, then try to back up again, only to have to come forward to answer a further point we want to make. Meanwhile our questioners also pop forward and backwards towards the kicker in order to make themselves better understood or to hear the ref's answers.

Anyone noticed any other variations we have?

 

Nando's tendency to disrupt opposition free kicks of is brilliant. It's not just the quick ones, he also has this great technique for stealing yards on DFKs as they're running up to strike it.

 

Not used by us yet but ...

5. The 'ocular crisis' method whereby you crouch down near the ball claiming you've just been temporarily blinded by a laser attack from an unidentified assailant in the crowd and require the 'trainer' to run on and offer a selection of eye drops from High St. pharmacies ... Particularly useful when a slightly longer delay is deemed necessary and,

6. When threatened by a direct free-kick on goal use the 'pickpocket' method whereby you distract the ref's attention using one of your previously outlined strategies above then nick his can of 'disappearing foam' and replace it with an empty one ...

 

7. Go in fiercely with studs up. The other team can't take the freekick quickly while the ref is busy sending you off.

 

Diakite was an expert in this.

 

8. Just boot the ball away from the player taking the free kick. This is also acceptable from a DFK, after the referee blows his whistle, a defender can run from the wall and boot the ball away. This actually happened at the World Cup

 

9. One we also sometimes use - the 'whoops a daisy' method, where you helpfully throw the ball back to the free kick taker just wide or high enough for it to go bouncing off out of his reach, but not so high or wide it would count as throwing the ball away.

The backward scoop method is good for this. What ref could possibly card you for the unfortunate misdirection of the scooped behind ball as you run past?

 

Saw it. Mwepu Ilunga, Zaire, yellow card. Hilarious ...

 

10. The 'there are two balls in a scrotum' method whereby the coaching staff roll a second ball onto the pitch near the opposition goalie (but not too close) so the ref spots it and requires the goalie to run out if his penalty area and kick it off thereby neatly holding up play ...

 

11) The "**** off back to where you came from" method where the player picks the ball up and plonks it down a few yards further back.

 

I'm not going to lie, not sure how we're going to get to fifty.

 

Well No.12 would help ...

 

12. The "screw you guys, I'm going home" method - this is the one where you pick up the ball and wander off towards the touchline ignoring everyone shouting at you.

An additional twist to this comes when an opposition player comes running up and tries to snatch the ball out of your hands. You have to whip it away quick before he can get his hands on it and then indulge in a little wrestle with him to burn up those precious seconds for the full backs to trot back in to position.

 

13) streaker

 

14) if a mid week game, turn off flood lights

 

15) a player to kick a ballboy chelsea style

 

16) "His legs have gone fml" - player lies down and another player lifts his leg up and pokes it into his stomach.

 

17. Have 3 sides to the ground and clear the ball into the building site after the foul, before the ref blows it up.

 

18) Get someone to fly a drone into the stadium.

 

19) Recruit all our ball boys from Swansea.

 

20. The 'Scummers' Dog Kennel' method whereby you assume the role of an emergency Stadia Inspector, declare the ground 'not fit for purpose' and tell everyone to go home before 'reluctantly' accepting a backhander in whatever monopoly money they use at the place and allow the match to continue ...

 

21. The "Cramp!" method: As the FK's been given, if time wasting is needed go down in pain and recieve treatment as for as long as you deem necessary by the Physio while the other team wait impatiently for your ass hobble off.

 

21 works better if you get one of your own players to push down on your foot while you lay on the ground, as getting the physio may mean the free kick will be delayed but you will have to come off the pitch.

 

22. Look to takes the free kick yourself telling everyone that was the way the linesman flagged.

 

23. As the opposition is about take the FK. A simple pull down on his shorts will do the trick. This will not only embarrass him but if he attempts to run he will trip. #shefellover

 

24. Deliberately make yourself bleed Roberto-Rojas-style forcing the ref to call an immediate blood injury stoppage.

 

25. Goalkeeper heads to the bench to change gloves

 

26. if ref uses white spray thing, do a robbie fowler and try and snort the line

 

27. Manager ventures into opposing technical area, distracted by the fact he cannot see his face on the pitch. Ref has to intervene.

 

28. The old school I think I sh*t myself

 

29. Use goal-line technology intercepting equipment and activate causing the ref to get confused and award us a goal.

N.B Could go against us.

N.B. Method can only currently be used if we get promoted.

 

30. The old school I have sh*t myself.

(Just me?)

 

31. Tuck a deflated white balloon in your sock. When the free kick is awarded, quickly blow it up and throw it in front of the ball. Either the ref will stop the game for it to be removed, or the free kick will bounce off in the wrong direction Sunderland style, we will go on the attack and score.

 

32. Get Dynamo to disappear the ball for 15 seconds or enough time to form the wall and set up our defensive position.

18 to go.

 

33. Get Uri Geller to hover over the stadium in a helicopter and mystically move the ball with his mind just before it's kicked.

17 more.