Watford FC 0-0 AFC Bournemouth - 26/10/2019

Discussion in 'Match Day' started by Clive_ofthe_Kremlin, Oct 20, 2019.

  1. Clive_ofthe_Kremlin

    Clive_ofthe_Kremlin Squad Player

    A warm Watford welcome to our visitors AFC Bournemouth!

    The Town

    The sleezy B&Bs will have the 'No Vacancy' signs up, the shyster coconut shys will be closed for business, the overpriced candyfloss stalls unmanned and the donkeyshit un-shovelled, as dismal groups of obese waddling landladies, shabby, swindling fairground didicoys and assorted charlatans, frauds and flimflam artists leave their unlovely, wind-blasted, over-sized puddle of a litter-strewn mud hole and journey up to Vicarage Road in the hope of thieving three points through some customary shameless diving, play acting and penalty pilfering, with which we've all become so familiar.

    Seedy Bournemouth. The Muff Divers. The ugly south coast sister, forever cringing in the shadow of cosmopolitan, easy-going Brighton and industrious port city Southampton, is famed for the meanness of spirit and money-grubbing, penny-pinching love of cash, along with the filthiness of its grubby stretch of 'beach', made up of 49% sand and 51% half-buried nappies, broken bottles and cigarette butts. Bournemouth boasts a homeless death rate FOUR TIMES the national average for England & Wales (https://www.bournemouthecho.co.uk/n...meless-death-stats-make-grim-reading/?ref=twt) and merrily torments anyone who's down on their luck and forced to endure life on the streets by playing loud bagpipe or Alvin & The Chipmunks music through the night to stop them from getting any sleep (https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uk...nks-to-stop-homeless-sleeping-in-station.html).

    They've somehow managed to cling on to their Premier League status through treating the game like one of their fixed end-of-the-pier sideshows, using every twist and trick in the book to chisel and cheat their way to three points. They'll be hoping to have the metaphorical footballing coconut well screwed and glued down into the cup against us and we'll need absolute vigilance to avoid becoming another victim of their fakery, bluffing and fraud.

    I suppose we'd better put our masks and rubber gloves on and look at the awful 'team' of con-artists and crooks they've managed to gather together.

    Manager – Edward 'Ted' Howe

    The Howe family ran a sleezy amusement arcade in Amersham and young 'Ted' or 'Teddy', as he was known at the time, was an eager recruit to the business, quickly becoming a specialist in chiselling, fleecing, hoaxes and card sharping. The family were eventually chased out of town by an angry mob of outraged citizens and fled to the coast and the safety of their fellow 'carneys' and fairground folk.

    Old Mother Howe

    Ever wise to spotting punters to be fleeced and attracted by the money and corruption in football, Howe surfaced again with his name changed to 'Eddie' and as manager of the universally-hated pariah local club, Bournemouth or 'The Muff' as they're known in the local fairground slang. Howe managed in the way he'd learned back as a boy back in the arcade, giving the mugs a sweet smile and simpering innocence to lure them in with a 'sweet little Bournemouth fairytale' image to the world, whilst coaching his players in every con trick, swindle and cheat to rob opposing teams.

    Howe Fact: In common with many Carneys, Howe has the letter 'R' tattooed on his wrist. This stands for 'Rogue' and can be shown as an instant identifier to other fairground folk.


    Having sworn loyalty to The Muff, Howe quickly followed the money off to Burnley where he proved a dismal failure. The fish removed from the water of his fellow swindlers and cheats. He quickly scuttled back home to the South Coast where he know regularly expresses his love of Everton, having spotted what suckers they are for charlatan managers. He says he fell in love with The Toffees when he saw bully boy woman-hater Andy Gray cheat his way to an FA Cup final goal in 84. Just his sort of club.


    Goalkeeper – Aaron 'Mr Grimsdale!' Ramsdale – Released by Bolton after only 5 weeks, former Chesterfield and Wimbledon stopper Ramsarse is a pudgy, blond Ted Howe lookalike.


    Defender – Adam Smith – Big nosed capitalist with a wig


    Defender – Steve Cǫck – Former Havant & Waterlooville and Eastbourne Borough man, recently returned from an extended period out with an infected cǫck. 'Cockie' as he's known by their fans was arrested and bailed for a sex attack in 2012. https://www.bournemouthecho.co.uk/news/9604280.cherries-player-steve-cook-has-bail-extended/

    Defender – Nathan 'Faceache' Ake – A former Hornet who got mixed up with a bad lot.


    Defender – Diego Pricko – second rate £11m signing from Spain. Frequently injured and speaks no English.


    Midfield – Harry Scouser – On loan Liverpudlian scally.


    Midfield – Lewis Cǫck – Jug eared, pug ugly ex-leeds man.

    – Philip 'One Shilling' Billing – Relegated last year with no hopers Huddersfield.

    Forward – Ryan Fraser – Widely disliked, aggressive little ginger Jock winger who falls over at the flutter of a butterfly's wings.


    Forward – Callum 'Wistful' Wislon – Old Trafford-bound Wislon is serving out his final few weeks with the Muff before moving to Man United. Let's hope they didn't see him miss an absolute sitter on his England debut.


    Forward – Dominic 'So-****y' Solanke – Another scally scouser who flopped with several big clubs and was touted around everwhere before being palmed off to the Muff for no less than £19m.


    VAR has come as a huge blow to the Muff, who've found their penalties and opponents sendings off have plumetted this year. They managed to cheat their way to a grim 0-0 at home to relegation favourites Norwich on Saturday and with half of their players and their manager with their eyes firmly fixed on lucrative moves elsewhere, the Hornets ought to canter to an easy win. I'm going for 3-0.
  2. SkylaRose

    SkylaRose Reservist

    Great write up Clive as always. That image of Mrs Howe is enough to give anyone nightmares.

    It's a must win, simple as that. We draw this one it's a bad result. If we win, thr Spuds point will look a bit better in context, but still feel cheated.

    Gray will have to start, get Sarr on too. We have to go and attack them and MUST take our chances.

    Two games unbeaten now (yay).

    2-0 Watford.
  3. Hornpete

    Hornpete Reservist

    Dirty cheating diving Bournmouth will be the first team to have a penalty awarded to them by VAR and it'll be a bull**** decision.
  4. carboy98

    carboy98 First Year Pro

    Good god we need to win this. Will be interesting to see how Quique lines us up, still need defensive solidarity but we also need some attacking intent at home.

    I'm not sure this forum will survive if we get ****ed over by another VAR shambles.

    Get 3 points and things start looking a little more... salvageable.
    Ybotcoombes and Espadrilles like this.
  5. hornetgags

    hornetgags McMuff's lovechild

    Put your mortgage on 2-2...we always draw 2-2.
    foxywfc likes this.
  6. Knight GT

    Knight GT Predictor extraordinaire 2013/14

    Anybody who thinks we are going for an attacking line up might be disappointed. We will attempt to keep it tight and counter attack. In the last two games it has worked and we should have won both.
    Rozerhorn, WatfordÉire, W4BS and 3 others like this.
  7. Nailed on VAR penalty against us.

    It's not even funny anymore.

    Hang on, no it's actually not been funny at any point.

    Ybotcoombes likes this.
  8. hornetboy1

    hornetboy1 First Team

    If Jon Moss is anywhere near this match, you can kiss goodbye to any chance of a victory.
  9. Cassetti's Beard

    Cassetti's Beard First Team

    We'll win this one, it'll be a heroic victory and VR will be rocking. Onwards and upwards, Europa Cup here we come.

    Watford 3-0 Bournemouth
  10. Cassetti's Beard

    Cassetti's Beard First Team

    Yep, we'd be crazy to try anything else. Bournemouth are a lot more attacking than Sheffield United so will fit our game plan nicely.
    lutonh8a likes this.
  11. Happy bunny

    Happy bunny Cheered up a bit

    Yesterday Moss got a decision right, and the VAR ref was so astonished he overruled him
  12. FromDiv4

    FromDiv4 Reservist

    Who will our fullbacks (wingbacks) be? DJ injured, JH suspended.
    lutonh8a likes this.
  13. Kernunnos

    Kernunnos First Year Pro

    I'm not a fan of parking the bus and looking for breakaways, but we badly need a win, and the way Muff play will suit us.

    My main concern is who's going to play up front. Del is just too lightweight and just ends up running into dead ends. Gray can sort of manage to hold the ball up a bit and play runners in, but it's not exactly his game. I'm positive about the way we're continuing to create chances, but we're at full stretch in the final third without someone like Deeney. Whoever the chances to fall to invariably suffers a panic attack.

    Still, I'm going for 2-1 to the 'orns.

    Dawson heading in from a set piece, and Pereyra with a sudden long range curler out of the blue. Del to bottle at least a couple of absolute sitters.
  14. domthehornet

    domthehornet Moderator Staff Member

    Foulquier and Masina to start.
  15. Cthulhu

    Cthulhu Keyboard Warrior Staff Member

    I’m in two minds now about a match thread rota. In some ways I wish Clive did every week. Maybe though having others ( who have done a sterling job so far) has enabled him to focus all his wit on just one write up

    I’m going to make this one of my rare treks to the vic, I sit just behind the dug out and dearly love being able to go down the steps at half time get Howe’s attention and call him a Lego man in a gimp suit
    Vespa Crabro, foxywfc and SkylaRose like this.
  16. UEA_Hornet

    UEA_Hornet First Team Captain

    Holebas picked up a 5th booking of the season yesterday so earns a well deserved rest for next Saturdsy.
    wfcmoog likes this.
  17. WillisWasTheWorst

    WillisWasTheWorst Reservist

    It’s my belief that Deulofeu should always be accommodated in the team somewhere, even if he only lasts 70 minutes. He has the creativity and speed to trouble any opposition but we should probably budget to sub him later on.
    lutonh8a, Knight GT and jrmich9 like this.
  18. SkylaRose

    SkylaRose Reservist

    What if you spot our captain stuffing his face with a Pie? :p
  19. Surely this has to be our 1st win of the season PRETTY PLEASE!!!
  20. I Blame Bassett

    I Blame Bassett Squad Player

    A fair and balanced piece Clive!
    Clive_ofthe_Kremlin likes this.
  21. Chumlax

    Chumlax Reservist

    I look forward to the number amongst the Muff fans who are not aware of the concepts of satire or sarcasm's heads exploding like Milton Krest's in rogue-Bond revenge tale 'Licence to Kill'.
  22. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    I'm a bit disappointed that @Clive_ofthe_Kremlin has spurned the traditional whimsical musings and jokes about the opposition for a well-researched, dry, factual piece instead.

    It was interesting to learn about some key figures of the opposition and to see some of the back stories fleshed out with well-referenced biographies, but it lacked the usual humour and ribaldry of our usual previews. Perhaps a mark of the more pragmatic and stoic reality of our whole approach as a club these days.
  23. Grrwood

    Grrwood Reservist

    Watford 1-1 Bournemuff
    Cleverly with a scrambled goal in the first 15 mins.
    3 clear Watford goals disallowed by ref and backed up by VAR before Wilson trips over his own laces in the box 6 yards away from our nearest player and slots away the resulting penalty.
    Doucoure will have a stinker, Femenia to accidentally run into Kabasele injuring him for the next 4 months.
  24. Art

    Art Academy Graduate

    Watford 2 Bournemouth 0. Or better - please.
  25. The undeniable truth

    The undeniable truth Squad Player

    I think we are all just a little humourless at present. As a cold hard factual piece of journalism it is unsurpassed, but yes, it's quite a hard dry read. I had to have a quick look at the slapstick on the brexit thread just to cheer myself up and put a smile back on my face. Desperate times.
  26. The undeniable truth

    The undeniable truth Squad Player

    Really need this to be first of the 10 wins in 29 games we need to stay up. Hopefully the new defensive solidity and a little composure in front of goal will provide the springboard and help derail our arch enemies.
    Must win game.
  27. Bubble

    Bubble Wise Oracle

    This will be very tough and very nervy at times as we know Bournemouth are rapid up front. Take that away though and they're very average.

    If we can defend deep and not allow them any space in behind or down the sides I would definitely fancy us to win the midfield battle and have enough upfront to score a couple.

    A narrow 2-1 win, but it'll be tough.

    If Welbz is out which I would imagine he will be, must start Deulofeu again as his pace on the counter could be the difference.

    Keep Gray benched as an impact player.
  28. sleazy.
    Clive_ofthe_Kremlin likes this.
  29. Steve Leo Beleck

    Steve Leo Beleck Squad Player

    I'd drop Foster. He's been costing us a lot of goals since the end of last season. Gomes never went on a run this bad, would be tempted to put him back in or maybe roll the dice on Bachmann.
  30. davisp2

    davisp2 Reservist

    Interesting that when we lost the Cup Final in 84, the following season, it took us 10 League games to win our first game. We ended up 11th that season.
  31. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    Yep. He needs a kick up the arse. He can't be allowed to think he can grin and chortle his way from error to calamity with impunity.

    Sent from my SM-G955F using Tapatalk
    SkylaRose, Jumbolina and Chumlax like this.
  32. LaClusazSki

    LaClusazSki Academy Graduate

    I think a draw would be a top result. Sadly l feel that it will end up 3-0 to Bournemouth.
    Wilson will dive at every opportunity.
  33. PowerJugs

    PowerJugs Doyley Fanatic

    I posted this from the Sheffield game, but it seems to apply now and updated in areas.

    I fail to understand why people are upset at QSF starting from the back. We've tried fluid football and it has steadily fallen flat in recent months leading up to Gracia's departure. It was always a murmured undertone but given our positive results earlier in the Season and good morale in the squad it was shoved to the side. Even in our best games there was rarely a standout defensive performance more than the midfield carrying the team defensive responsibility further up the pitch through top level covering to hide how weak our defence was. Additionally, Foster was in excellent form and helped again to mask our defensive deficiency. Up until Arsenal at home you rarely had a dud Foster performance, distribution aside. Now we're in a situation where we have to start from the back and build it back up to a suitable level where we can then try to be more expansive afterwards.

    Foster has dropped down a level or two where he is no longer untouchable in the starting lineup, especially with his distribution which has been diabolical for months. His kicking and throws are worse than Gomes' to me now, not that that was ever a high benchmark. I can understand Flores wanting to stay with experience when trying to stabilise a flimsy and porous back line though even if I disagree with the goalkeeper chosen. If he wants a stable, experienced goalkeeper I would have Gomes over Foster but would prefer Bachmann.

    Left back has been done to death. Holebas is finished at this level, and Masina I think is too reckless in a tackle and just like Holebas is also positionally questionable at times. In their defence (hah) the midfield ahead of them provided very little cover, especially when Hughes wasn't playing on the wing where he is wasted anyway. In a back 3 against Sheffield the extra CB gave the protection that had been missing for the fullbacks before. when being passed past with quick 1-2's like against Wolves and pretty much every other game before. The same argument applies to RB, except for Janmaat still being a decent RB at this level.

    The CB's are serviceable at this level when they are on form and have protection ahead of them to avoid being overly exposed. Currently they have neither. Every game we watch with head in hands as a mildly quick forward runs at the CB's, and apart from Kabasele you know if they get past there is no-one able to run back and catch up between them. They are also all capable of a lapse in judgement on and off the ball which stretches an already bad back line out of position when it does happen. The back 3 helped a lot with this as when one centre back occasionally misjudged it, another was there to either head away the initial danger away that would otherwise have developed into a dangerous scenario. If we want it at least earn reliable points we must stick with this setup to get the most out of our limited defenders.

    The central midfield has badly regressed, but QSF has changed it up and we seem to be seeing some life from it again. Doucoure does thankfully now seem to be finding a bit of his old form with more driving runs and willingness to get in the box to support the attack but remains to be seen if this is a blip or sign of things to come. Chalobah looked good and it's great to see him play 90 mins and not look out of place. Cleverley is a known quantity which right now is what we need as he's reliable. Quina should be playing more but I can understand him not playing as we need a team who can defend and Quina isn't suitable for that role.

    Our attack is suffering from a lack of confidence and an over reliance on them having to take what chances we make so we snatch at what we make. It's a regular theme where we miss open or high percentage chances and then the opposition score from a blooper at the other end, normally shortly after which only further perpetuates this problem. Every striker we have seems to suffer this problem.

    Our luck is simply out right now, in a sport where you make your own luck. It's frustrating to draw games where we could and should have won, but it's an improvement over losing game we should have drawn and won but the defence letting you down. VAR is utter tripe which is a shame as I was one of its biggest advocates, but the FA have hamstrung its application and is further vindication why it's important we keep getting points using a more conservative style to offset this. Under Gracia I'm sure we would be 2 points worse off than we are now because he would have us play open, expansive football without the strong core to defend effectively. As much as I still like Gracia and wish him well whatever he does it is his major failing with his time here.
    Cthulhu likes this.
  34. Bwood_Horn

    Bwood_Horn Squad Player

    You do realise that the 'handle' @grasping-at-straws hasn't been take?
  35. Happy bunny

    Happy bunny Cheered up a bit

    Yes, but if we've got nothing better to grasp at, straws will have to do
    PowerJugs and Davidmsawyer like this.

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