Things you hate III

Bookworms that quote all the time, and write as if they're a novelist.

 

Pray whither you come to such intemperate determination?

 

If you pr1ck us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us shall we not write in a way unlikethed by thee?

 

The weather ......... feels just like November, heating came on at home last night ffs

 

That ****ing broadband advert that goes on about 'off plan spoon whittlers'. **** off you *****.

 

That advert with Paddy the northerner about pretending to find a dinosaur bone in your garden to get them to dig it up and then saying that he "loves a good nosey" as if looking up tradespeople on the internet is somehow prying into other peoples' business.

 

Those Cnut5 who sit in them posh seats at Wembley, who go in for their half time refreshments and don't come out for the second half until the 70th minute. Clearly don't like football, so why funkin go? VVankers

 

To be fair, don't blame them tonight. Beer would be far more preferable than watching this game live

 

People who take up more than one seat on a packed commuter train and make no attempt to move up. Often aggressive blokes with apparently some form of swollen testicles that means they have sit with their legs wide open encroaching into your space. The worst thing is their aggrieved behaviour when you insist on your fair share.

 

Agreed. I would have to say that for the slightly studier built man, public transport seating is fecking uncomfortable. I generally have to use the disabled section to fit my ball barrow in.

 

That's the fella.

 

People who log into amazon to answer questions with 'I'm sorry I've just bought this myself and don't know the answer.'

 

When you're walking along the pavement and someone is walking directly towards you, then you move left, but they move the same way, then you move right but they move as well.

Seriously just stop it mate.

 

Jonathan ****ing Wilkes !

 

Cyclists – again! (and dogs).

After reading their holier-than-thou accounts of how they are persecuted by motorists who don’t look in their wing-mirrors and who get annoyed at cyclists who take no notice of red-lights or annoyed at those cyclists poodle (is that a word in this context?) along 2 or 3 abreast on country lanes, discussing their next “save the planet” rally, I thought I would chuck in my tuppence worth as I am currently sporting a massive bruise on my thigh caused by said cyclist yesterday.

Jogging through our local country park is a feat of bravery at the best of times, anyway. Mainly due to dogs and their owners.

Dogs snapping at my heals, dashing in between my legs, owners on one side of the path, dogs on the other side – attached by a ****ing doglead. Steaming dog **** everywhere. Dog **** in little plastic bags everywhere, even hanging on branches and fences ‘glowing’ like little Chinese lanterns down each side of the path.

Then you get the cyclists. Hurtling about at 20mph in their go-faster helmets expecting everyone to get out of their way.

When they approach from the opposite direction, there is not much problem. We can see each other and I know that if I don’t move to the edge I am likely to be killed. So, I move to the edge and I survive. Sometimes I get a little wave of thanks from the cyclist who seem oblivious to the fact that I had little choice anyway.

But it is far worse when overtaken from behind. I can’t see them coming. I can’t hear them coming. I don’t have wing-mirrors! I do not even listen to music on my phone anymore due to my need to try and hear cyclists (and dogs running after me). So often I am jogging through the forest in relatively quiet bliss and the first I know is when a cyclist wizzes past me at 20mph. It is bloody startling, to say the least. But at least it was over before I had time to panic.

Sometimes a cyclist has a bell. They sound it from 50 yards away, I hear them coming, they sound again from about 20 yds, I have moved across, and brace myself for the wind and slipstream as they shoot past. Relative calm. I wish all cyclists did this.

The worst are those with bells but don’t use them properly.

They first sound them at about 15 yards. My first reaction (which is quite involuntary) is to leap in the air a little and shriek. When I have come down, my second reaction is to make a split second decision, again this is almost involuntary.

Do I move to the right and get killed, do I move to the left and get killed, or do I stay where I am and get killed? Now I have an A Level in Statistics and I think that probably the best option is to stay where I am, but we don’t always have time to consider all the data.

Usually, by the time I have considered the options, the bike is upon me, but sometimes I have made an involuntary decision, and it could be the wrong one.

Which is what happened yesterday. I was jogging in the “car position” slightly to the left of centre and made an involuntary movement to the left. The cyclist felt that they would overtake me on my left. She hit me. Hard. I ended up in the bushes on the right and it took me a while to work out if all my bits were still in the right place. I can tell you, I was not amused, but I started to feel a bit better when I noticed that the cyclist was deep in some three foot high stinging nettles 20 yards away. I could only really see her feet sticking up in the air. I rushed over to administer first aid and abuse.

After checking she was OK and that she was responding to my swearing, I asked why she went on my left rather than where the room was on my right. She explained that she likes to ride in the “gutter” of forestry paths because it is more “silty” at the edges and stonier in the middle. So she gets a smoother ride, FFS.

I say “she”, but I am not actually sure. I checked for all the usual clues, but I am really not sure. But that is another story.

Anyway, mistakes and accidents happen. But there was not a hint of apology from this person, not a hint that she was doing anything wrong whatsoever. Her demeanour showed that it was my fault for getting in her way.

F***ing cyclists!

As I jogged back, a passing dog walker enquired as to why the side of my face was all marked and muddy. I explained. He said, "You ought to look where you are going". ****.

 

This sounds like a comedic anecdote from a Danny Wallace book. Are you Danny Wallace?

 

I'm ****ing fuming for ZZ. He's not usually the most sympathetic character on here, but I really feel his pain in this episode.

 

I hate to admit that as a cyclist I was often guilty of jumping red lights, but once I got my own car and was able to drive regularly, thus improving my all-round road sense and awareness, I realized what a dangerous and foolish act it can be, even if it's at a pelican crossing and there's not a pedestrian within sight.

A case in point was when I did a tricky right hand turn into a busy road, where during most of the working day there's a more or less continuous stream of traffic, and the only break occurs when the traffic briefly stops at a crossing a few hundred yards away. During this occasion I thought it'd be safe to turn right as the traffic in the near lane was waiting at the light and the left lane was clear for once. Big mistake, because a cyclist who'd jumped the light whizzed past me totally unexpected at 30+ mph, barely visible, and I only just reacted in the last nanosecond to avoid hitting him.

I also hate cyclists who think they're really clever riding in busy traffic with their hands off the bars, when one false move could send them flying into the car just about to overtake them close by - like my own...

 

I just hope Powerjugs, HH et al hang their heads.

 

No, as hard as I try, I cant see this post as complimentary. But thanks for the sympathy anyway.

 

It's not complimentary, but then you don't attempt to be a character of pity on here do you?

 

If you'd like I'll ship Phelps over to try and persuade you dogs and thereof dog walkers aren't the issue.

He could do with some new scenery.

 

I'm not so certain. Bit unfair maybe. I'm sure under his bullish exterior is a minotaur fighting to get out.

 

What is a fair share of swollen testicles ?

 

Anything more than a mouthful is greedy.

 

The detested Lycra louts strike again! I wonder if there is something in the material that turns (probably) normal people into raging,frothing at the mouth,kamikaze,lunatics.

My daily commute is a 3/4 mile walk and a 3 mile drive. When on foot I'm in constant fear of being mown down and driving in constant fear of denting my car.

A question for any cyclists that may fall into this group, why on what is a daily commute do you have to turn it into a Tour de France challenge?

Last rant, I walk my dogs at 6.30 am every day. One of them is a spectacularly stupid retriever with a memory of a newt. So when a **** of a lycra lout steams past me at some unholy speed, it makes her bark, not sure why the prat feels the need to shout abuse at me and my dogs

 

The dog barking is it's version of abuse at the cyclist. *** for tat imho. for sure the dog will be more eloquent, cutting and witty with it's insults.

 

Fans chanting outside of a football stadium.

On trains, in bars, walking through town centres. Christ, they sound thick as pigsh!t.

It goes on and on and on and on and on and on and all the while they're coming across as utter vvankers.

 

It's true there are some utter loudmouths on bikes. Don't worry though they eventually get a car and behave like that on four wheels.

It does cut both ways though. There are few long distance cycle routes. One of those near me that I use, so I'm not on a road, purely on route designated for cycling is well used by dog walkers who are an utter hazard. Their dogs run free and suddenly emerge from undergrowth to leap under your wheels and the owners (some with headphones in) are oblivious to the idea that they are on a thoroughfare. They get spooked when you come past.

They also write letters complaining to the local paper. One week because cyclists don't ring their bells and the next because they do.

I like dogs a lot, but I'm on the cycle lane because it's a travel route not because I need a sh.it.

 

Googleglass and a cricket bat .... that'll stop em

 

A cyclist startled my dog, made it bark and then turned around and told us both to **** off. I let the dog off the leash.

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Your commute would be a lot quicker if you cycled.


And you wouldn't have the 'constant fear of denting your car'. On the other hand you might have the fear of a twunt in a car denting you.