Fulham FC 1-1 Watford FC - 22/09/2018

Discussion in 'Match Day' started by Clive_ofthe_Kremlin, Sep 17, 2018.

  1. Clive_ofthe_Kremlin

    Clive_ofthe_Kremlin Squad Player

    Welcome to Our Opponents

    It's a big welcome to former Championship chums, Fulham. Famous these days as nouveau riche. Serbo-Yankee River Rats boasting football's least imaginative club crest.

    Fulham used to be viewed as a sort of non-threatening, bumbling, ramshackle third division outfit. Perpetual losers in life. Never won anything. Next to the river, so slightly romantic, but at the same time, hopeless and melancholy. Picking up on this reputation, many 70s sitcoms (Minder, Citizen Smith etc) cast the sad sack, put upon sidekick as a Fulham supporter and opened episodes with him draped miserably in his black and white scarf after another defeat whilst the main characters merrily took the mick.


    All that changed when they were bought up by on the cheap by potty-mouthed, sex-pest, shop boss, Mohammed 'Al' Fayed, for less than we paid for Nordin Amrabat. After promising to make them “the Manchester United of the south”, it soon became apparent that the club had been bought for two reasons, the first as a vehicle for shameless, no-stunt-too-low, self-promotion. The second dreadful reason became clear as Fayed eagerly evicted the team, with great sensitivity, to their big rivals, QPR, and flogged off the luxury apartment building rights to their ground.

    Mmmmmmm.......tasteful.. “If some stupid fans don’t understand and appreciate such a gift they can go to hell” - Fayed

    Thwarted in his efforts to flog them off, Fayed eventually sold out to some US billionaire businessman called Shad Khan who made his money from making car bumpers. Possible apparently. Khan's one of those club collectors, as they have over in the USA. He also owns some American football team and now wants to buy Wembley. He knows very little about (proper) football and has made some bizarre appointments whilst attempting to by success.

    Most especially of all, the marvellously nutty Felix Magath, a man nicknamed 'Saddam' by his players. After a defeat, he'd make the players stand stock still for 40 minutes on the pitch (“you didn't want to run yesterday so now you vill not run today”) He'd apparently call players into his office and then just stare at them for two or three minutes whilst sipping tea and without saying a word. When Hangeland was injured, the club doctor said he wasn't fit to play, but Felix over-ruled him and sent someone out to the local supermarket for a block of cheese. He soaked the cheese in alcohol and strapped it to the injured thigh for a few hours, then made him play. https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/29319599

    Eventually he lucked out and appointed unsmiling, avaricious former Hornet Jokanovic for some huge amount of money. More was lashed out on a selection of championship huff-puffers and eventually they (just about) managed to get themselves promoted to the big time again last season via the playoffs.

    Jokanovic - Committed


    Schurrle A. – A goalshy germanic Jurado with questionable attitude. Absolutely no danger whatsoever. Barely worth even marking. Andre 'shinnit' Schurrle has already flopped once in the Premiership, getting a rapid heave-ho from Chelsea after managing a grand total of 3 (three!) assists, from no less than 65 appearances. Perhaps that statistic would be halfway acceptable if rather than laying them off, he was banging them in himself. But no. That neither. He was averaging a paltry goal every five games – utter scheisse.

    So a cut-price one way ticket back home to Germany, with his tail between his legs. An abject failure. Fortunate to be handed a chance to redeem himself by Dortmund, he quickly became the butt of fan's jokes. Inspired by his Doyley-esque eye for goal and all round ineptitude, they invented a whole new range of songs of abuse for him, including such hits as “When you sit in row Z and the ball hits your head, that's Shurrle” and the wonderful oompah-style “we’ll drink, drink, drink until Schurrle scores...”. There must have been plenty of ruined livers with the wide-of-the-mark Westphalian managing a measly 8 goals in 51 appearances.

    Grizzling that he was being forced out of Dortmund by fans who were jealous (!) of him, the misfiring moaner touted himself out to desperate no-hope relegation certainties West Brom and Swansea last January, but even they weren't about to scrape that particular barrel. But with commendable persistence, after receiving further straight rejections from Palace and Everton ('come and get me, I'm cheap and I played for Chelsea once') Shotshy Schurrle at last found a mug punter in foolhardly Fulham, although even they weren't daft enough to buy him and have only agreed to take him on loan.

    Mitrovic, A - Alexander 'Radovan' Mitrovic is another who previously flopped in the Premiership, having been “let go” by rancid yo-yo club, Newcastle and brought to the cottage by his countryman, Jokanovic, for no less than £27 million. Radovan is a straightforward wannabe enforcer bully boy – all flexing his muscles for the camera, sly elbows and stamps whilst trying to bundle the ball over the line. The Andy Carrol of the Balkans. Disgracefully, the Serbian strongman has been sentenced to no fewer than eight suspensions for red card offences so far in his career, with another four suspensions for accumulation of yellows. His last ban for violent conduct was applied retrospectively after a nasty elbow on Lanzini of West Ham was missed by the referee, but caught by the cameras.

    Mitrovic - bully

    Zambo Anguissa, A F – Crazy name, crazy fee. Fulham paid £30 million for this unknown midfielder in the last window. Can't tell you much about him as he barely has even a Wikipedia page. However, in a clear indicationof his brilliant potential, he's so far turned out 106 times for Fulham and Marseille for a grand return of zero goals. None. Nada. Zip.

    Zambo-Anguissa - Unknown

    Used to be thought of as slightly odd, non-conformist, semi-beatniks but thoroughly and completely gentrified decades ago. Research has shown that Fulham fans are the most well-heeled in the Premiership. All hailing from multi-million pound Hammersmith town houses, the support base has been shown to consist mainly of estate agents, advertising 'creatives', buy to let landlords and 'men of leisure'. Noted for their endless capacity to carp, whine and complain, they'll turn on their team the moment the first opposition goal flies in.


    More tea vicar? Fulham fans contemplate today's movements on the stock exchange

    Joka very unheppy. Very, very unheppy with Mitrovic's early red card and the three goals leaked by dodgy Italian butter-fingered keeper Bettynelly without reply.
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2018
  2. Since63

    Since63 Reservist

    The goalie’s English?
  3. RookeryDad

    RookeryDad Squad Player

    Bravo, Clive.

    I like Fulham, particularly the wooden stand. Reminds me of our old easterly one.

    A big match for us.

    Win & we are soaring. Otherwise a bit of a bump.

    Expecting the Joka to be less happy go lucky than usual for this one. And not wanting to see the Mitrovic goal celebration.

    Opening a pickle jar?

    Tuning a 50s wireless?

    Tweaking a nipple?

    Hornets by the odd goal in 5.
  4. Happy bunny

    Happy bunny Cheered up a bit

    As a socialist, Clive's love for his fellow men shines through everything he writes
  5. CaveManHornet

    CaveManHornet Reservist

    We are gonna have to collectively start paying you for this aint we. Superb match preview once again comrade
  6. PhilippineOrn

    PhilippineOrn First Team

    He's pointed out many times his politics never compromise his support for Watford.
  7. SkylaRose

    SkylaRose Reservist

    Another fantastic write up Clive. I curtsy to your greatness sir.

    Last time we were at the cottage, a very out of sorts and unfancied team wearing yellow and led by the same guy who resides there now blew the odds out the water as we crushed them five to nil.

    Not going to happen this time. I always saw that result of a little bit of payback for the 2001 fixture where they systematically dismantled us 5-0.

    This time? Two totally different teams, styles, managers and football nutty supporters. It’s a lunchtime kick off... at the cottage, in the middle of British lunchtime tea and cake. 22 grown men battle it out. Tackles fly in, Holebas gets booked, Deeney grabs his Cojones and Joka looks upwards as the hornets drove back with a 1-0 win.
    Cthulhu likes this.
  8. Jumbolina

    Jumbolina Squad Player

    Would take a draw here to keep things ticking over.
    Ray Knight likes this.
  9. Robert Peel

    Robert Peel Reservist

    Never thought I'd see Goran Hadži* pop up in a match preview.

    Fulham fans have an almost gremlin type ability to multiply when the right substance is poured on them - in this case footballing success. This effect is however reversed once they set foot outside the M25 as their woeful away support will testify.
  10. King Dev

    King Dev Squad Player

  11. The undeniable truth

    The undeniable truth Squad Player

    Yes me too. With arsenal to follow, w4 d1 l2 looks a lot better than w4 d0 l3 (in a row).
  12. Horace_goes_up_north

    Horace_goes_up_north First Year Pro

    2nd May 1998.

    Best. Away day. Ever.
  13. Harrow Orn

    Harrow Orn Squad Player

  14. Hornet4ever

    Hornet4ever WFC Forums Last Man Standing Winner 2018/2019

    A most excellent write up Clive.

    Got draw written all over it.

    We always find these nitty gritty type teams that have just come up harder to beat than the T6.
  15. Hornet4ever

    Hornet4ever WFC Forums Last Man Standing Winner 2018/2019

    Seen on Fulham forum!
    Re: Lineup for Watford
    « Reply #4 on: September 17, 2018, 12:08:08 PM »

    I think the formation is more important than who plays.
    I would play 5-3-2 for the first half at least.
    Watford are a bullying, wide / long ball playing team...
    3 at the back will not work.

    Start by keeping them out and see where we are after 45 mins
    Ray Knight likes this.
  16. Relegation Certs

    Relegation Certs Squad Player

    Goddammit these previews get my juices flowing.

    3 ******* nil us.
  17. UEA_Hornet

    UEA_Hornet First Team Captain

    The only bit of that I disagree with is the idea we're a wide team.
  18. Lloyd

    Lloyd Reservist

    Great work, Clive!
    Apparently Fulham's fan base includes Hugh Grant - which will only add to my enjoyment of a comfortable away win on Saturday
  19. Relegation Certs

    Relegation Certs Squad Player

    Lily allen used to be a huge fulham fan, absolutely massive, then decided to support their rivals chelsea instead.

    but she was a mega fan. Cried at the uefa cup final defeat and everything.
  20. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    We've got to be beating the likes of these.

    To be perfectly honest, I saw the thread title and assumed it was a cup match, but then, on reflection, I found out they're actually in our division. Well, good luck to them, plucky little shithouse of a team that they are, but not on Saturday. I hope they enjoy their season in the sun, but we can't have mercy.

    Got to be putting 5 or 6 past this part time shower of ****, without reply.
    EB Hornet and kVA like this.
  21. Jumbolina

    Jumbolina Squad Player

    Haha. The sky stats for the season so far before saints game said we were narrowest team in the league.
  22. Otter

    Otter Gambling industry insider

    If it's 0-0 to see where they are at half time, I'd expect us to win if the previous games this season have anything to go by.
    Happy bunny likes this.
  23. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    The Javi diet is proving quite successful
  24. andrew2209

    andrew2209 First Year Pro

    With Arsenal (A), Bournemouth (H) and Wolves (A), Watford could do with points here else we could have a bad run of 5 games.
  25. hornetboy1

    hornetboy1 First Team

    Before the Spurs game I looked at the next 6 and thought to myself, that will show us if Watford are going to have a very good season, or whether the amazing first 3 games were just a flash in the pan sequence of good results.

    So far, in that run we've won one and lost one. I'm hopeful of getting something against Bournemouth, but those three away games look particularly difficult. Having said that, both Fulham and Arsenal are beatable if we play our 'A' game.

    On to Fulham, they've had a tough start. Lost at City and Spurs, with a draw at Brighton, but comfortably beating Burnley at home. Their only really bad result was on opening day when they lost 2-0 at home to Palace.

    I think their current position is a little false and they will see a game with us as a winnable one. I'm not going to predict this, as all outcomes are possible and I can make a case for a win, lose or draw.
  26. You are making a rod for your own back, comrade!
  27. WillisWasTheWorst

    WillisWasTheWorst Reservist

    What makes you think we'll lose to Arsenal? We're their bogey team remember.
  28. Cassetti's Beard

    Cassetti's Beard Squad Player

    Fulham are absolute garbage, we'll absolutely destroy their little tinpot team, anything less than a 3-0 victory would be extremely disappointing.

    Fulham 0-4 Watford

    Are we booing or clapping Joka?
    iamofwfc likes this.
  29. UEA_Hornet

    UEA_Hornet First Team Captain

    Both. While also crying. You go first, we'll all copy.
    kVA likes this.
  30. Robert Peel

    Robert Peel Reservist

    Is Craven Cottage(r) still half built out of those dodgy temporary scaffolding stands that shake when everyone stands up?
  31. The undeniable truth

    The undeniable truth Squad Player

    Bogeys don't last forever, not unless they are stored very safely.
  32. The undeniable truth

    The undeniable truth Squad Player

    TBF she has lost a lot of weight since then.
    EB Hornet likes this.
  33. Ágætis Byrjun

    Ágætis Byrjun First Year Pro

    We've got enough players from the Jokanovic team to know his tactics inside out.

    High line, kamikaze attacks. Our midfield will nick the ball off them high up the pitch and they'll be up **** creek. If I were to pick a team style that is perfect for Fulham and Arsenal away... It'd be Watford's.
  34. kVA

    kVA Reservist

    Surely the old Newsround and ****ryfile presenter is their most famous supporter and that is why the ground is named after him?
    BigRossLittleRoss and Pob like this.
  35. onion8837

    onion8837 Reservist

    John Cottage's Newsround. Remember it well.

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