Subject: Essex Hurricane Appeal > > ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL > > A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the >Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicenter in >Canvey Island. > > Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell". > > The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of >damage > > > Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del >Sol were damaged beyond repair. > > Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were >woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of >residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to >terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Canvey. > > One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It >was >such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom >crying. > > My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I >was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next >morning." > > Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried >on >as normal. > > The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny >Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still >searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal >belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos >and Bone China from Poundland. > > HOW CAN YOU HELP? > > This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those >unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most >sought >after - items most needed include: > > Fila or Burberry baseball caps > > Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) > > Shell suits (female) > > White sport socks > > Rockport boots > > Any other items usually sold in Primark. > > Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. > > Required foodstuffs include: > > Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or >Special > > Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. > > £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. > > £5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected. > > **Breaking news** > > Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry >alco-pop. >'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked," ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss >that gotta do wiv you? > > Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex- oh, sod it, they >wont be able to read it, anyway.
>>> Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a >>>table in a >>> rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and >>>sits on a >>> stool at the bar. >>> >>> The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of >>>the suit >>> >>> Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant >>> >>> Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker. >>> >>> Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come >>>in here! >>> >>> The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of >>>beer gets >>> the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering >>>the toilet >>> he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and >>>the several >>> beers get the better of him. >>> >>> Dave: - 'Scuse me... no offence meant, but me and me mate > were >>> wondering what you do for a living? >>> >>> Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by >>> profession. >>> >>> Dave: - Oh? What's that then? >>> >>> Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a >>>goldfish at >>> home? >>> >>> Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens! >>> >>> Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl >>>or in a >>> pond. >>> Which is it? >>> >>> Dave: - It's in a pond! >>> >>> Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large >>>garden >>> then? >>> >>> Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden. >>> >>> Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, >>>if you >>> have a large garden then you have a large house? >>> >>> Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house . built >>>it myself! >>> >>> Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house >>>it's logical >>> to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and >>>that you are >>> quite probably married? >>> >>> Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four >>> children. >>> >>> Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are >>>sexually active >>> with your wife on a regular basis? >>> >>> Dave: - Yep! Five times a week! >>> >>> Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't >>>masturbate >>> very often? >>> >>> Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate! >>> >>> Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work! >>> >>> Dave: - How's that then? >>> >>> Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've >>>told you >>> about your sex life! >>> >>> Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate! >>> >>> Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate. >>> >>> Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what >>>he does? >>> >>> Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist! >>> >>> Stuart: - What's that then? >>> >>> Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? >>> >>> Stuart: - Nope >>> >>> Dave: - Well then, you're a w**ker
A couple of older ones; murphy calls to see his mate paddy who has broken his leg . paddy sez "my feet are freezing mate could you nip up stairs and get my slippers "?? "no bother" he says and runs upstairs there are paddys two stunning 19 year old daughters sitting on their bed "hello girls. ur dad sent me up here to shag you both." "f**k off you liar" they said "i'll prove it" says murphy. so he shouts down the stairs. "both of them pat?" "of course. whats the use of f**king one
A man decides he wants to go hunting so visits a gun shop... Gun salesman 'if you be going hunting in them there woods you need a bear gun, plenty of big 'uns in those woods' Hunter ' I will take it' Hunter makes his way to the woods with his new gun and it is not long before he spies a huge bear in the distance. Using his cross hair he lines it up and fires BANG! Seconds later as the gun smoke his clearing he gets a tap on the shoulder.... Bear 'Were you shooting at me? I think you were shooting at me. I could swipe your head off with one paw but it is your lucky day. I'm feeling horny, you can drop your trousers and bend over and satisfy my bear needs or I can kill you' Hunter thinks for a while and drops his trousers. Infuriated with whats happened and a little embarrassed he returns to the gun shop.... Hunter ' I need a bigger gun!' Gun Salesman ' In that case sir you be needing an elephant gun' and produces a huge gun. Satisfied with his new gun the hunter returns to the woods and in the distance spots the same bear. Shaking with revenge and armed with his elephant gun he aims and fires... HUGE BANG!! Seconds later as the gun smoke is clearing he gets a tap on the shoulder... Bear ' Were you shooting at me? I think you were shooting at me, you know how this works bend over or get killed'. Hunter shocked the bear has survived decides he wants to do the same and bends over to once again satisfy the bears needs. Seething the hunter returns to the gun shop... Hunter ' I need a BIGGER gun' Gun Salesman ' well sir, we have a one off special offer in at the moment on this here bazooka' Hunter well impressed with this fire power returns immediately to the woods and spots his bear. Careful this time he takes aim, takes a deep breath and fires.... BOOM! trees fall and explosion follows. As the smoke clears the hunter gets a tap on the shoulder and he turns with dred and fear, there standing in front is the bear.... Bear ' I think your are not here for the hunting!'
