Hgv Driver Shortage And Global Warming Solved - Back To The Future!

I have had a brainwave.

This morning I was watching some hairy arsed lump'o'lard, who looked a bit like Cockney Winker out of Vizz, lounging in a transport caff and basking in the lights of the Breakfast TV camera crew.

"Oh yeah. everyone wants us NOW!" he drawled insouciantly. "Tired out, I am. Running out of places to store the thousands they keep offering me."

"Oh yeah, it's all changed. They can't get enough of us NOW.....you don't hear the moans about our juggernauts smoking up the atmosphere, causing huge delays on the road networks, smashing into low bridges and closing the railway mainline for hours on end, ignoring the weight and width limits on ancient old historic bridges, rattling the public's bedroom windows at night, tossing bags full of our turds and plastic bottles of pish out of our windows into the roadside verges and of course, murdering prostitutes now. Oh no. It's all gone quiet on that now. Everyone LOVES us now...."

The earnest reporter then went on to explain how desperate efforts were being made to recruit thousands more of these oafs. He then went on to have a go at learning to drive an HGV himself, but failed. He was way too young and slim and made to appeal to the school run mums half-watching at home in any case. You need a little hairy pot belly to jam under the HGV steering wheel to give you full and proper control over the vehicle I reckon. I started thinking to myself, do we really, really want thousands more like him? Are HGVs roaring around the roads and smashing through people's front windows from time to time and coating everything in diesel dust REALLY what we want more of. What about the climate change targets?

Now obviously some stuff, like fresh produce HAS to be moved fast and perhaps HGVs are the only solution for those. But there must be a whole lot of stuff, surely the majority, if not the VAST majority of cargo where time isn't a crucial factor. So what about bringing back the barges? Towed by horses!

The animal lovers and horsey types would wet their knickers with joy. Countryside types would love it. The canalside pubs and businesses would be revived. The infrastructure is there already and in the main pretty much set to go. Just nationalise Hoseasons Canal Holidays, rip the inside fittings out and you're ready to go pretty much. The canal people would LOVE getting paid to do their pointless putt putt putting up and down the canal network and would feel very important. Lock keepers in blue jumpers with beards could be brought back! The emissions would be hugely reduced.

Apart from canal fishermen, who would lose? I think it's a cracking idea.

 

Canals are ace and well used.

However, Amazon would simply clog them up with a mega barge from Milton Keynes full of useless **** and eventually there would be a massive spill if petrol was carried that way.

Small scale freight with no time constraint? Hell yeah.

 

Nice thinking Clive but you’re on the wrong track

If the mountain (the goods) can’t go to Muhammad (the market) then flip it around

Build housing over the top of Amazon warehouses

 

I see a flaw. If you think the current canal dwellers are any better than the middle aged, white, pot bellied HGV drivers then you need to make a trip down to your nearest lock Clive.

 

I go running down the Grand Union towpath most days and two things are clear:

1 - There's a split between very middle class boat owners with huge, shiny barges and those that look like Wurzel Gummidge and live on what appears to be a floating derelict shed
2 - It's never too early for the latter group to have a beer and the stronger the better.

 

The thought of thousands of newly qualified HGV drivers thundering up and down 'smart' motorways is truly terrifying. If only people would stop buying all the useless 5hit they think they need everyone (except producers of useless 5hit) would be much better off.

 

Sounds a top life. I’m off to buy a wind-chime and a **** off big canal boat to go with it.

 

I’d like to listen to you rant on but I think Amazon are at the door. TTFN.

 

All of which proves that Clive is a snob who is lucky enough to be self-sufficient on his country estate.