A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have got out today."................
A variation on an old joke........... Old guy walked into a brothel. His clothes were dishevelled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natasha," the old man replied. "Sir, Natasha is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natasha." Just then Natasha appeared and announced to the old man that she charges £1,000 for each visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her twenty £50.00 notes. She took his hand and they went up To her room for an hour and then the man calmly left. The next night he appeared again, demanding Natasha. Natasha explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts ... it was still £1,000. Again the old man took out the Money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natasha the money and they went up to the room. At the end of the hour, Natasha questioned the old man. "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?" The old man replied, "I am from London." "Really?" replied Natasha, "I have a sister who lives there." "Yes, I know," said the old man. "She gave me £3,000 she owes you to give to you."
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her bed-side table. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, and no!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. "Oh, that's just me, before the surgery."
One for Roady. Three football fans were driving along when they spied a body in the undergrowth. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a deceased young woman. Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Everton hat over one breast. The second guy, a Liverpool fan, placed his hat over the other breast. The Manchester United fan then placed his hat over the woman's private parts. Soon the police arrived. The coroner started checking over the body. He picked up the Everton hat and quickly placed it back. He then picked up the Liverpool hat and returned it. Then he picked up the Man United fan's hat, put it down, then picked it up again inspecting the hat more closely, and then put it down. Then he picked it up a third time. By this time, the Man United fan was a bit irritated and he asked, "Why do you keep picking up that hat? Are you some kind of pervert or something?" The coroner responded with a wry smile, "Son, I can't figure this one out. Usually when I come across one of these Man United hats, there's an ******** under it."
2 midgets win the lottery, and as they are both virgins, they agree that they should spend their fortune on a room in a 5 star hotel and each get a prostitute to lose their virginity in style... They are at the hotel and have rooms next door to each other. As night arrives so do the prostitutes, the first midget is really excited, and strips down quickly and jumps into bed... only he can't get an erection. A few hours later he gives up and decides to just go to bed and sleep, the night completely wasted. To make matters worse al he can hear from his mates room next door is '1,2,3 HUH!' '1,2,3, HUH!' 1,2,3, HUH!' After a horrible night to listening to his mate and still being a virgin he strolls down to their 5 star complimentary bereakfast, where he meets his mate, 'Mate, my night was terrible, I didn't get laid, I couldn't get a stiffy all night!' 'Tell me about it mate,' replies his friend, 'I couldn't even get on the bed!'
another joke A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, Husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know 5 things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 175 lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional Wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No ... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Big Gay Fred goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "Fred, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS." Fred is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" "Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of All bran cereal, a small curry, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." Fred asks, "Will that cure me , Doc?" Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for!"
