More repeats - as requested [ok by one solitary person] 'Life on Mars' Somewhere at the Vic Hameur - Burs Burs!! I erm so fed urp - I deed nurt scurr agurnst zees blurckbuns. Aidy - Don't worry Mr B, its all over bar the.....SOUNDS OF A MOTOR VEHICLE Hameur - Burs Burs!! LOOK URT!! Ur nurgh!! Malky - Whatsae happening oot here? Hameur - Eet's ze Burs!! Keef arse rurn him ovair wiv ze team curch!! I zaid he eez too urlld to revairse purk eet!! The seally furl!! He arse squrshed him lurk a edgyhurg!! Malky - Dinae play for Boro'? Hameur - Nur!! Nert Ugo 'Eghiou'!! The liddle inserctivures whizz zee spirks zat rurl urp een a burl... er, nevairmernd!! Omargurd!! Burs! Burs!! Burs!!! Malky - Gaffer!! Gaffer!!! CAN YE HEAR ME?......FADES........ My name is Aidy Boothroyd. I had an accident, and I woke up in 1973. Am I mad, in a coma, back in time, or just a determined long ball specialist? Whatever's happened, it's like I've landed on a different planet. Now maybe if I can work out the reason, I can get home." TINNY 70's STYLE THEME TUNE - A STEAMY/SMOKY DRESSING ROOM Manager who might be Mike Keen, but played by Philip Glennister - Nice of you to show up then Dorothy. I don't know what time you dirty *******s at Leeds are used to starting at but we've finished the morning session. Aidy - Sorry Guv. ManagerWMBMK - Right you can help out with preparation. ADDRESSES THE PLAYERS. Right you lot get your heads screwed on the right way because its those ******s from up the M1 tomorrow and the fans are going to want to see a win. Failing that a few dead bodies will probably do. Preparation is the key, so how will our captain be approaching the night before the game? Sly looking fella with Moustache - Tonight Fish and Chips, spotted **** and custard, Hawaii five-o and early to bed. ManagerWMBMK - Not bad. Correct answer is Steak and chips, Artic Roll, Hawaii five-o, cigar, two bottles of watneys and then take your old lady up the tradesman's entrance. Billy Jennings - G'wan skipper!! Wallop!! Aidy - I can't believe what I'm hearing here. You are supposed to be top class athletes. ManagerWMBMK - You've clearly not seen Duncan Wellbourne recently then. Ok, if you are so smart what's the answer? Aidy - Diet ManagerWMBMK - Diet! What do they want to go on a flamin' diet for! Aidy - They need to be stocking up on the right carbohydrates. Pasta and rice. ManagerWMBMK - What are chips then? If you want poncy food talk to the prof GESTURES TO PLAYER WITH LARGE SIDEBURNS READING A BOOK. What's on the menu at bohemian mansions tonight? Prof - Possibly Plaice in cheese sauce.. Players - Wahey!! Woofter!! Aidy - It doesn't have to be done like this. It could be different. ManagerWMBMK - My Nan could of had a couple of walloping great nadgers and then she'd have been my Grandad, but she's not!! Sometimes it just is what it is!! Aidy - While we are at it, why haven't these shirts got the sponsors name on them? ManagerWMBMK - Sponsors!! What do you think this is a bloody charity run!! What's it going to say 'My Auntie Doris will give me 50 new pence if I get a hat-trick?!' Sly looking fella with Moustache - Did anyone see that coloured lad hanging around, called 'Looter' or summat? Ross Jenkins - He's a youth team player. Sly looking fella with Moustache - What are they doing here? Can't see him ever being much use, not hard enough for the game. Won't be able to rely on him on a cold february night in Sheffield. Aidy - He might be a Watford legend one day. Sly looking fella with Moustache - If you say so boss. Wouldn't allow it myself Aidy - Good job you're not in charge then. You can crawl off back to your cave and your spotted ****. LAUGHTER ManagerWMBMK - An extra bit of motivation for you all - Elton John, who is a fan of this club and is apparently considering some sort of involvement is coming to watch tomorrow. A little birdy tells me that he may soon be getting married, so lets give him something to excited about. Aidy - To a fella? HILARIOUS LAUGHTER THROUGHOUT DRESSING ROOM. ManagerWMBMK - Which bloody planet do you come from where fella's marry fella's!! I hope you are not implying anything about Elton!! Sly looking fella with Moustache - He's a right jack the lad. Saturday nights alright for fighting n'all. Aidy - You have all got a lot to learn. ManagerWMBMK - Finally last week we let in some right sloppy goals. Andy Rankin - Weren't down to me boss. I'm bloody fantastic. ManagerWMBMK - That you are. I'm talking about the dozy pillocks in front of you. Dorothy perhaps you can explain. Aidy - Don't mess about with the ball in your own final third. You don't want to invite pressure from the opposing forwards. If in doubt boot it upfield or out of touch. ManagerWMBMK - At last!! Some bloody sense!! Alltogether now 1, 2, 3 Aidy - HOOF!! ManagerWMBMK - HOOF!!
