A week at the gym, one man's story

A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY

Dear Diary...

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my school football team 20 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress...

Monday:

Started my day at 5:30am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.

She is something of a Greek goddess -- with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -- then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a disabled sign in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the f**k would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.
[SIZE=+0][/SIZE]Thursday:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes , and I couldn't even lift my coffee cup. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? Or my wife.

Saturday:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my bare hands . However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.

 

Stick with it Admin. The stiffness and soreness in your muscles will be bearable after one or two weeks, then it will be replaced by a comforting feeling of manliness and a knowledge that you are better than most people, because you can lift more weight then them.

 

I can lift more than you.

 

It's very amusing but it's not for real? It sounds American.

 

I could bench press all of you scrawny son b i t c h e s

 

Via email this morning

 

In all probability, you can't.

 

I missed the whole point of it :whoosh:

I thought this was your own well written diary, Admin (I gotbored of reading at Wednesday though, so missed the obvious tell tale signs later on).

 

I think you'll find I can, I can do a press up so can therefore lift my own body weight.

 

Touché. Even I can't lift 2 tons.

 

Come on now mate be nice, I have lost some weight since Xmas!

1 and a half ton if you please sir.

 

Blimey! You must have one hell of a toilet!

 

I thought this was the give away...

:]]

Only joking Admin, love you really!

 

What do you bench?

Started doing the weights again on sunday after a long lay off (last April) and am aching like ***** benching less then i was then, hurts just to move my arms at the moment. Aah well, will all be alright in a few weeks when im used to it again.

 

It's a good pain though. Reminds you that you have been working. Next week will be slightly less after chest workout and the week after will be just the usual tighness from a good pump.

Squats are the worst. If I go even one week without a leg workout then go back to my usual routine, I can't walk properly for days.

 

I know, used to regularly go 4 days a week, then stopped and never got back into it.

May as well as i only drink on saturdays/football days.

 

I'll have you know i have frequented snakebite sunday for a few months now, cheeky barsteward.

Granted i do drink excessive amounts on a saturday, its the apple goodness in the cider, 5-a day and all that.

 

Absolutely. One day of booze a week is not going to kill you. If you are real hardcore, go and try and squat 350lb with a ***** off sick hangover without throwing up. You'll feel much better afterwards, as long as you don't die.

 

How long have you been training for?

I got an assesment tomorrow evening to get my program changed. Set myself an optimistic target for July.

 

I've been training on and off since I was 18 (12 years) but at least consistently for the last 5 years. It's just a hobby for me as I love it. In the last year I've added a lot more CV (running 5k thrice a week) which has taken some of the focus from weights. I think I'll always do it as it's something which gives me a real buzz.

 

I'm currently a fat mother *****er, but am going to attempt a 10k run in July. Trying to do the impossible.

How did you find the 5k? Was the training etc that intense?

 

I'm in the same boat. Got a 10k in May, which I can't for the life of me think why I agreed to enter.

Seriously, a year ago, 1k was a stretch for me. Although I was lifting weights 5 days a week, I couldn't run a fekking bath. I just started by getting on a treadmill, setting it at 5k and running for as long as I could, walking for a couple of minutes, then running again until I could run the whole distance. Then I'd try and run faster, further etc.

I think the first two weeks of training will be hell, no bones about it. After that though, when you start to notice real improvement in your ability, it will be a challenge, but you'll get satisfaction each time you train and improve. Also, the endorphine hit after a 5k+ run is totally awesome. Your belly will start to disapear too and sexy girls will start lingering around you everytime you wear something tight.

 

The main thing for me is that I see improvement, otherwise I get demotivated. I currently can just about run 4 miles, but that is as far as it goes unless theres a lot of beer 5 miles away in which then there is no problems.

Did you have any strict diet etc to follow mate?

 

Fark the treadmill, get out in the fresh air. I hate gyms.

 

Pfffttt, I'm a babe magnet as it is already

 

Not so much for running as for weights. TBH the obvious things apply, eat lots of fresh fruit and veg, lean chicken and tuna, brown cereals and rice. I've always naturally eaten healthy food anyway (even if I've usually eaten about twice as much as I should) so I've never had to really think too much about it. I do find I can't run if I've eaten in the last two hours, plus I need lots of complex carbs throughout the day to give me that extra energy to keep going past 3 miles.

If you can already go 4 miles mate you're home and hosed. That last mile is the easy part. Just remember that all the people are watching you and if you fail you'll look like a prat. You'll find that extra energy no problems, then once over the finish line, you can find somewhere quiet to curl up and die.

 

I use both. Sometimes running outside can be demotivating (eg now, when there are gales and pi$$y rain). The treadmill is always there as a friend when the weather is not conducive to a happy run. Plus, there's not too much fresh air where I run (along the North Circular).

 

4 mile is a struggle and I do stop now and again to stretch, but hopefully I can train up to add the extra 2.2 miles. Use to really enjoy running, but quit because of asthma, basically let it beat me. So if I can do this run I should be able to say I've beaten asthma and raised cash for charity

Gather your run in May is a charity run? Presumabley a cancer run?

 

It's the Manchester 10k. Hadn't actually thought about getting sponsorship to be honest. I'd be too embarassed to pester people for cash.

Who are you running for. Perhaps I should get in touch with a charity too and see if I can't get a few quid.

 

You can do all sponsorship online now. Just email everyone you know a link, and they donate using a debit/credit card/paypal etc. All paid up front and tax free, so an extra 10-20% gets added. Easy and no pestering.

Something like this.

 

I'm hoping to do the help a london child one in Hyde park. So gather it will be for help a london child. However if I succeed in this, i'll go on and do runs for both Asthma research, Cancer research and an animal one. Well, that's the plan anyway, easier said than done I guess.

Getting cash is easy, you go up to some random bloke, pin him up against the wall and say something like "You ignorant tyke, while you're here smoking your guts off, some poor kid is in hospital chucking up blood" Or something along them lines

 

Or his bike and sell it off

 

Sorry fella, I sold it. All the funds are going to charity though....

Cough, charity begins at home Cough.....

Whens your next run anyway mate?

 

I expect you to run to St Albans though.