‘A Hornet Christmas Carol’, or ‘How the Horns made it to Christmas…’ Lord Ashcroft is in his office in his palace in Belize. In front of him is a monitor. A buzzer sounds Lord Ashcroft – (Irritably) Oh who disturbs me tonight? (Face appears on monitor) Security – Gracious Lord, the usual supplicants are at the gates. Will you speak to them? Lord Ashcroft - Very well. (Face of a child appears) Well, what is it you want? Boy – Senor Lord! We are very poor! Will you spare us some kindness on this Christmas Eve? We had to sell our Grandmother’s watch for food, but we don’t get much for it! 15 cents only! Lord Ashcroft – Bah! Well, perhaps you should consider selling your Grandmother too and be done with the lazy old cow! Boy – Senor! We humbly ask for sustenance! Lord Ashcroft – (Dismissive) No, no I’m sorry, but this something for nothing culture simply doesn’t work. I suggest you invest these 15 cents wisely young man and I offer that advice freely! Bah! Goodnight! (Screen fades) Humbug! Always someone after something! (Works a little longer…..Falls asleep in chair…). A spectre appears as figures swirl around.. Spectre – Michael. Michael Ashcroft! Lord Ashcroft – (sleepily) Wha! Wasmarrer? (Aghast, recoils) Oh! Spirit what frightening visage hast thou! Why do you take such monstrous form! Spectre – I don’t. That’s Ian Dowie on ‘Sky Sports News’. I’m over here. Lord Ashcroft – Oh! (Recoils) Oh spirit thou face is yet no more kindly! Spectre – I am the Ghost of Christmas Past! Come! There is much I must show you this Christmas Eve! (Takes Ashcroft’s outstretched hand and they fly through space and time, alighting in a school playground in the 1950’s) Lord Ashcroft – (Taking in the scene)..children, a playground..a little boy with glasses and a highly puncheable face….why...its me! GOCPast – Yes. You played alone Michael… Other kids – Michael! Let’s play with your ball!! C’mon it will be fun!! Michael (as a boy) – One penny a play!! Threepence for the day!! Other kids – But its Christmas Michael! Michael (as a boy) – My terms are very reasonable. Christmas is just another day! GOCPast – (To Lord Ashcroft) You forsook the comradeship of your peers. The spirit of Christmas did not live in you. Lord Ashcroft – Yes, but that was a jolly profitable year. Set me on my way you know! GOCPast – Come! There is another spirit that you must meet, that of ‘Christmas Present’. GOCPresent – (To Ghost of Christmas Past) Good shift? GOCPast – Not bad. (Indicates Ashcroft) This ones a challenge though. You working Christmas? GOCPresent – Boxing Day. Alright, Laters..(To Ashcroft) Come! Come and see the Christmas of today! (They fly off into the swirling snow) GOCPresent – Christmas. In the wintry villages of Hertfordshire! (They fly off to a house and look in through the window. Lord Ashcroft – Ah. Jimbob Russo’s house! GOCPresent – (Amused) The children are complaining. They do not like salad with their Christmas dinner! Russo – Uncle Jimmy has made has made a bit of a loss on his shares children so lets eat up the stock and be thankful! Lord Ashcroft – Now this I do not believe. Jimbob looks a right salad dodger if ever I’ve seen one! Russo – (To family) God bless us all! God bless Vince, God bless Malcolm, God bless Graham, even though he said I was more evil than Darth Vader, which I isn’t! God bless..(coughs)..Lord Michael…. Woman – Why should we bless ‘im! He’s a heart of stone! No Christmas joy lives within ‘im! Child – Yes! The children at my school say he’s tax-avoiding, non-domiciled scum-pants! Russo – (Reproachfully) I won’t have that talk here, especially not at Christmas time! There’s been enough calling folk ‘bad’…(Visibly upset, comforted by woman)…and it hurts it does!! Lord Ashcroft - (Reasonably to GOCPresent) Look if its just a question of getting Jimbob a big bird then count me in for a turkey or two…its this football business that buggers me off! (Looks into cottage) Good lord, who is that sickly boy? Does he not see? He feels his way around so awkwardly… Russo – C’mon Little Jay! You come sit here! Lord Ashcroft – He seems to have trouble positioning himself…Ah! The other children are playing ball with him! (Disappointed) Oh…it’s bounced over his head… (Sadly to the GOCPresent) Tell me spirit..will Little Jay still be here next Christmas! Tell me that it is so!! GOCPresent – That is a question for the future…Come! See how the folk of this town make merry despite their many hardships….(They walk towards a green where children are playing) See how the Lord Doyley cavorts and entertains the common children! Children – (To Doyley) Oh please sir! Show us how you scored your famous goal again! Doyley – Modesty prevents…well, ok!…(To child) You be Don Cowie…You lot are QPR defenders…Ok..(Commentates on self) Cowie, on the ball…chips it in…far post..Doyley arriving! (Slips on the ice) Woooaaarrrgh!! (Somersaults into snow drift) BOINGGGG….. Doyley – (Surprised) Hey its gone in! DOYLEY!!!!! (Excited children leap around in yellow lycra) GOCPresent – See yonder house! (They walk to a house with a letterbox marked ‘Helguson’. Lord Ashcroft looks in). Lord Ashcroft – Good lord! This family’s meal looks poor fare! (Distastefully) All brown and orange food, cold and unappetising.. GOCPresent – Yes. Mum’s gone to Iceland. Come! There is one final phantom you must travel with this wintry night! The Ghost of Christmas Future! (Points to silent hooded spectre) Contd
Contd.. Lord Ashcroft – Oh spirits! Why must you torment me thus! (They fly through the wintry air and land outside the Vic). Lord Ashcroft - Vicarage Road! The gates are chained up and closed. Silent and empty…(The wind howls around) I can’t be blamed for this! Would you have me throw good money after bad! If the club is closed I expect I had good reason which in the long run will benefit the common folk as much as myself!….. (The silent spirit points a long finger towards the graveyard opposite. Ashcroft continues, shocked, the words come out as a croak) I see a gathering at a graveside! What wretches poorly attended funeral is this! (Imploringly) Tis not mine spirit, tell me tis not mine!!! (Spirit points again to another grave where a large crowd of people are gathered) Lord Ashcroft – (Relaxes) Ah, look there’s mine! There’s David Cameron and Boris, William, George and a few of the Russian fellows. Lord Fatbucket and Lady Shitface…(To spirit) No I’m sorry, I remain unconvinced spirit. Count me in for a Goose for old Jimbob but this whole Christmas-football shebang really isn’t my bag! I mean if I’m not going to provide for peasants in Belize what makes you think I’m going to shell out for a load of soccerball playing porkers with their snouts in the trough! (Spirits all reappear) GOCPresent – Ok, fair play! (They all shake hands) Being Watford spirits we’ll not take it further. Merry Christmas to you lord!! (They begin to part..) GOCPresent – Oh, just one more thing for you to see if you have a moment. Lord Ashcroft – (Sighs) Oh very well.. The spirits transport him to outside Russo’s house again and they look in. The family is watching television. Lord Ashcroft – I suppose this is about Little Jay? (Sadly) I see his place his empty. GOCPresent – Yes. Free transfer to QPR. Doubled his salary. But look. The consequences of your not intervening in Watford Football Club are becoming apparent…. Russo – Here we are! Shhh! It’s Paxman coming on! Paxman – Come on Mr Cameron! Can you really have any confidence in your chairman Lord Ashcroft following him being seemingly outwitted by two Salad salesman? In this election year?... Lord Ashcroft – (Shocked to wakefulness in his office) Aide!! Where’s my chequebook!! We are saving Watford today at the lowest possible expense!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS :xmaswink:
Good stuff Moose. Merry Christmas to you too. I imagine the village idiot will be along in good time with his witty put downs.
