Wolverhampton Wanderers 0-2 Watford FC - 20/10/2018

Discussion in 'Match Day' started by Clive_ofthe_Kremlin, Oct 13, 2018.

  1. Clive_ofthe_Kremlin

    Clive_ofthe_Kremlin Squad Player

    A warm Watford welcome and 'Bom Dia' to our forthcoming gallant opponents, São Wôlvêrh*mptón do Wãndêrérs FC.

    As soon as this interminable international yawn is over, our glorious Hornets, pride of and example to the rest of the football league, will make their triumphant and magisterial progress through the gentle breezes and sunlit, flower-strewn lanes of beautiful Hertfordshire, northwards to the Wolf Hall Stadium, home of the historic dozing footballing giants, Wolverhampton Wanderers FC. We'll no doubt be using our green kit for this one, as our normal yellow would clash with the home team's famous tangerine shirts.

    The History
    Before about 1100, Wolverhampton was just a cold and windswept wasteland northwest of Birmingham populated by a few itinerant swine farmers. Then some woman called Lady Wulfrun did some unknown 'favour' for some king or other and as a reward, or to get shot of her or whatever, he gave her a present of the whole area. It was going to be called Wolverton at first, but that was already taken, so they added a 'Ham' into it in recognition of the area's production of pork products.

    A few shacks and things started getting built up around Lady W's manor house, but then the whole place burned to ashes in the great fire of 1590. Undaunted and showing that famous black country can-do spirit, they built it all up again over the next 100 years or so. Then it all burnt to the ground again in the great fire of 1693. The locals spent the next 10 years pondering these events and eventually in 1703, they finally came up with the idea of purchasing their very first fire engine. This was what first led to the Wolfetonians (as they are called) gaining their reputation for being, whilst perhaps a little slower in speed of thought and wit than the rest of us, eventually getting to the answer in the end.

    As for industry, they obviously didn't want to be doing much that involved naked flames, so they had a go at coal mining for a while. But the last Wolverhampton pit closed as a hopeless dead-weight on the economy in the early 1900s, back before Maggie Thatcher was even a sperm. They also had a go at making bicycles, but not very successful. Makes that nobody has ever heard of and which are lost to obscurity. They soon gave that up and tried making motorcycles. Also not very successful. They are not really great manufacturer's names which echo down through the ages. Anyone ever been for a ride on a Beau Ideal, an Olympic, a Diamond, an Omega, an Orbit, a Shacklock, a Carfield, a Mercury or a Sprite? I doubt even the motorcycle museum has heard of them. Anyway, motorcycle manufacturing was inexplicably abandoned in the 1920s. due to 'disappointing sales'.

    The marvellous Wolverhampton-invented and manufactured Turner 'Bi-Van'. The bicycle/white van solution for your business. Comes complete (for reasons which are unclear) with both forward and rear anal probes as standard. Abandoned following low sales and complaints from riders of chronic bow-legs and crushed nuts.

    There was one industry that was extremely successful for Wolverhampton though. An industry at which they excelled and became justly famous. An industry which contributed massively to this country's wealth and prosperity. They were experts in making locks, chains, shackles, fetters, iron collars and gags, handcuffs and all sorts of other torture stuff. Yes, the slave trade of course, but people forget that there are also plenty of sado-masochists with good reason to thank Wolfertonian industry.

    Made in Wolverhampton. Firm but fair.

    To this day, the people of Wolverhampton remain very proud of their huge contribution to the forceable restraint sector. Inspired by the landslide victories local voters gave to Enoch Powell as the town's wildly popular MP for no less than 24 years, they invented their own flag with the slave chains boldly front and centre and a red stripe representing the rivers of blood they hoped to extract from the black stripe. They even took it up to the House of Commons and were surprised when appalled MPs refused to pose with it.


    Another famous and admirable aspect of Wolverhampton people is their disdain and disregard for standards of namby pamby cleanliness. With all the industry going on, failing or not, there were plenty of choking, smoky pollution and it wasn't long before all the streets, the buildings and not least the people themselves became caked in a thick layer dirt, grime and filth from the waste and sewage. Queen Victoria made a brief visit once during the 1830s and called Wolverhampton 'a large and dirty town'. However, she did quite like the statue they'd put up of her husband, Prince Albert, so it wasn't a complete 1 star review.

    The self-deprecating name 'The Black Country' came about as the result of a public vote with a poll being conducted by the Wolverhampton Express & Star. It was a close run thing, but the winning entry The Black Country managed to take it by a handful of votes from other popular entries such as Tarnish Town, Filthville, Mucky Mire, Sludge City, Contamiton and Bonny Sootland.

    However all of that is history now because the place was more or less bombed flat in the second world war, getting rid of all the rats, disease and failed industries and what have you and giving them a fresh, clean slate to start with again. Today you won't see any blackened sooty buildings or streets – everything is a fresh, cheerful modern concrete grey, with splashes of colour provided by the oil slicks in some of the puddles and the traditional wind-blown litter.

    Things To Do In Wolverhampton
    It was very unfair that Wolverhampton was voted the fifth worst city in the whole word by Lonely Planet traveller's guide. https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uk...pton-voted-fifth-worst-city-in-the-world.html and also amongst the country's most miserable and unhappy locations https://www.expressandstar.com/news...on-named-as-one-of-uks-most-miserable-cities/. In fact, the Black Country is crammed with exciting and fascinating things to see and do. If, for some inexplicable reason, you should happen to arrive there early and have some hours to spend , then why not take in some of these local attractions before the game?


    Are you a very undemanding animal lover who also hates all things strange and foreign? Then why not visit the imaginatively-named Wild Zoological Park (http://www.wildzoo.co.uk) described on Trip Adviser as being “a bit like a pet shop, but less exotic.” Pet the rabbits! See real ducks and geese. Why not visit the goat enclosure? Feed the rats with some leftovers from your sandwiches. It's all at the Wild Zoological Park.

    Marvel at Britain's first automatic traffic lights. Installed in 1927 in Princes Square at the junction with Lichfield Street, these babies present full-phase synchronised switching through a complete spectrum including classic red, the rarely seen red and amber together, exotic amber only and of course, brilliant green. This attraction is popular, so try to bag a space amongst the crowds of awestruck watching locals as early as possible.

    Synchronised - Lights

    Feeling peckish? Fancy a bite to eat before the big match? You're in luck! Wolverhampton is famous for its regional cuisine and most of all its traditional pork products from the area's historic pig farming. Most famous of all is the Wolverhampton pork scratching. Delicious scraps of slaughterhouse waste, crisp roasted in tasty lard.

    Last edited: Oct 13, 2018
  2. Clive_ofthe_Kremlin

    Clive_ofthe_Kremlin Squad Player

    The Opposition
    Believe it or not, once Wolverhampton were one of football's big names. They even won the very first FA Cup and were quite well-known in the 1920s and 1930s. Like the local industry though, it's been in a long, slow decline every since and they've been kicking around the 2nd and 3rd divisions in relative wonky-pitched obscurity, with a few thousand die-hard fans still clinging on to fantasies of men with centre partings, long shorts and big, cloggy boots. The sort who bemoan the absence of laces in the modern football.

    However, all that has changed very recently with a takeover, as has happened to a few other suspiciously nouveau riche clubs, by some secretive billionaire. Chinese this time apparently. Another one of those candidates for an 'unexplained wealth' order. Millions have been pumped in and a questionable relationship has been struck up with some “super agent” who was ordered a load of Portuguese mercenary types to come over and pull on Wolves' famous bright orange shirt. This arrangement has been called "illegal and unfair" by other clubs, whilst others have complained about them being all that's wrong with modern football. Meanwhile, the blatant robbery of players from Portuguese clubs has outraged fans there and earned Wolves the title of “most hated club in Portugal”. Sporting are even suing them for £50 million or so for the jiggery pokery player theft they did on them. But at least people in Europe have heard of them now, when they hadn't before.

    Whilst it might ultimately all be about the Chinese putting one over on the Russians and Yanks who own other premier league clubs in a 'war by proxy', long-suffering Wolves fans aren't complaining! At long last they're seeing a bit of top flight football at the Wolf's Lair Stadium and have players who aren't as execrable as those who've represented the club over the past four or five decades.

    Wolverhampton's club badge used to be a quite smart leaping fox thing with WW underneath, but these days sadly, it is a sort of blocky approximation of the head of a wolf who has been blighted by cataracts as designed by an 8 year old using a very old version 8-bit version of Minecraft.


    The Manager
    Currently holding the reins at the Wolf Pack is the balding, but extravagantly whiskered, Portuguese Nuno Espiritu Santos. He looks a bit like Don King with his head on upside down. With the money they have, it's a mystery why they bothered hiring him and couldn't have gone for someone a bit more accomplished. A no account player, Santos managed Valencia for less than 18 months before resigning in shame (jumping before pushed) after abysmal results. Inexplicably hired by Porto, he lasted less than a miserable year there before being “relieved of his duties” after catastrophic results and winning nothing.

    Although we're only a few games into the season, Santos' gob-smacking lack of humility and grace has managed to make him plenty of Premier League enemies in record time. Fellow managers have variously described him as; “a disgrace”, “lacking class” and “having no manners”. Neil Warnock was caught by the cameras repeatedly telling him to '”f*ck off” and refused to shake his hand after they played Cardiff recently.

    At least if beardy Santos makes it at a hat trick of ignominious sackings before Christmas, he'll be a shoe-in for work as a department store Father Christmas.


    The Players

    Conor 'Commander' Coady - A whinging, moaning little shaved-headed scouser. Renowned as an impetuous walking red card and with the passing accuracy of an 18th century cannon, the Commander is a token English player amongst the Portuguese legions. They tried in vain to flog him to Shef Wed or QPR in 2016, but ultimately neither club was suckered in. They moved him from midfield to being a defender where he was able to better be carried and made to look good way above his ability by his Portuguese mercenary team mates, Coady is incredibly even being talked about as a possible for England! Presumably as part of Southgate's strategy to include Championship-standard players.

    Willy 'Bigfoot' Bolly – By Jim Dandy out of Milly Molly Mandy, this is a gigantic, clumsy (6ft 5in) defender who was one of those who joined in questionable circumstances from Portugal, because of a suddenly discovered passion and love for Wolverhampton (cough cough). Relying entirely on his freakish size and brutish 16 stone bulk, Brolly lacks any footballing ability and is in the team simply to 'clean out' any opposition forwards. He takes out the ball, the player, the goal net and the front three rows of spectators with his wild lunging tackles. Noted for having a poor attitude and with disciplinary 'issues', he's one of the weak links in the Wolverhampton side which we ought to be able to exploit with some ease.

    Ruben Neves – A luxury player, inevitably another one of those controversially 'acquired' from Portugal, Neves does seem to have a little bit of ability. It's hard not to feel a bit sorry for him and the other Portuguese players they've ordered to come to Wolverhampton. Especially now the nights are drawing in and there's a bit of a chill in the air. The Black Country is not The Algarve. It's sad, but slightly comical, to hear Neves struggling to try to put a brave face on it when asked about the differences he's noticed between Porto and Wolverhampton. “In Porto it’s a tourist city. I t’s close to the river, the ocean as well. There’s a lot of history. The wine and the food also. There's the hot women and the amazing beaches. The relaxed Mediterranean lifestyle. The nightclubs. The palm trees and sunshine. And here in Wolverhampton, it’s....erm.....ahhh....an industrial city. But we’re fine with it. Yes fine. Honestly. No, no. We like it here. Really. Yes.” Almost certainly horribly homesick, horrified by the pork scratchings and misery, missing his family and freezing, freezing cold.

    Adama Traore – A sort of less-able Wilf Zaha. The team's show pony, Traore cuts a comical if tragic figure, sometimes even appearing with matching bleached flat top haircut and little goatee beard! Lots of show off fancy footwork and hell-for-leather runs with the ball barely under control. Flopped already at Villa and Middlesboro in the championship and has no end product. Barely worth marking or chasing after, since there's never any end product from him and it's a safe bet he'll end up running it into touch or treading on the ball or similar. No footballing brain and no threat.

    Our boys will be itching to remove the thorn of the scandalously unjust referee-inspired defeat against the Muff and to revenge our honour. They'll want to put the record straight.

    A lot will depend on the weather, but as autumn moves on into winter and the miserable black-country cold and drizzle starts to bite, these mercenaries are bound to start to fade. I can't see anything other than the cleanest and most glorious victory for the Hornets. Three or four nil and hardly breaking a sweat.
    sydney_horn, Moose, Glenhorn and 29 others like this.
  3. wfc4ever

    wfc4ever Administrator Staff Member

    When will they bite?

    You just know those players you pretend to rubbish will comeback to haunt us !
  4. hornetboy1

    hornetboy1 First Team Captain

    A 1-0 defeat. We reset, put right the mistakes and go again.
  5. Burnsy

    Burnsy First Team

    You've had this pegged as a defeat almost since the start of the season.

    Not arguing against your viewpoint but can I ask what it is that makes you so certain we will lose?
  6. hornetboy1

    hornetboy1 First Team Captain

    It's just a prediction. It doesn't need any greater explanation than that.
  7. RookeryDad

    RookeryDad Squad Player


    Possible starting elevens?

    Putative score?
  8. RookeryDad

    RookeryDad Squad Player


    Simply Jonny.

    What’s going on there?
  9. Stevohorn

    Stevohorn Watching Grass Grow

    I guess you are being flippant.. but "The Wanderers" that won the first FA Cup final were from London.

    Furthermore.. and you wont like this.. they were a bunch of ex public school toffs.
  10. wfc4ever

    wfc4ever Administrator Staff Member

  11. RookeryDad

    RookeryDad Squad Player


    It’s not a condition that gets cured.
    Bunny Larkin and Stevohorn like this.
  12. RookeryDad

    RookeryDad Squad Player

    Bwood_Horn, Bunny Larkin and wfc4ever like this.
  13. Stevohorn

    Stevohorn Watching Grass Grow

    I figured they'd grown up and left school.
    Well unless the first Fa Cup was really won by those dastardly little devils from Harrow.
  14. Burnsy

    Burnsy First Team

    Okay, that’s fair enough. I’ve just seen you state quite a few times that you believe we are almost certain to lose, so I was wondering why you think that. If it’s just a hunch, cool.
  15. Jumbolina

    Jumbolina First Team

    Brilliant write up! Not got much hope for this game as wolves have played well in most games and one of our squad centre backs will be playing. 0-2.
  16. PhilippineOrn

    PhilippineOrn First Team

    It's got the neanderthals fighting amongst themselves.
  17. WillisWasTheWorst

    WillisWasTheWorst Its making less grammar mistake's thats important

    How do I like this several times? Great entertainment on my train journey home tonight!
    Hilarious. ‘Bonny Sootland’ was my favourite.
  18. Clive_ofthe_Kremlin

    Clive_ofthe_Kremlin Squad Player

    To be honest, I had slight reservations about writing the preview, given what happened to Moo the last time we went up there.

    However, the reaction from the vast majority of their supporters to that outrage was absolutely spot on and I have a lot of time for them as a result. Similarly you can see from the responses on their forum that they 'get' it - far more than the Muffsters last week, many of whom seemed to be genuinely offended about slights on their town.

    For those of their fans querying how I had the time/energy to write it - simple. No Match of the Day this week....
  19. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    Their reactions are the most down to earth and measured of any rivals I've read. Most share in the joke and hardly anyone is threatening to kill Clive.

    Top, top, TOP banter
  20. wfc4ever

    wfc4ever Administrator Staff Member

    Bit harsh to call us trophy less - we have won 3 divisional titles in the past and the play-offs twice


    Well better than nothing.....

    Not sure Huddersfield fans would like being compared to us and Brighton btw!
  21. Guy

    Guy Squad Player

    Can't see anything other than us getting a bit of a pasting I'm afraid
  22. Bunny Larkin

    Bunny Larkin Academy Graduate

    Wolves seem to be this season's Bournemouth - Lineker and his merry men fawning over them, saying how great their style of play is, what a great bloke their weirdy beardy manager is. As far as I'm concerned Espirito Santo's greatest achievement is making me agree with Colin about his arrogance.
  23. Espirito Santo looks like Keith Allen's tramp brother.
  24. domthehornet

    domthehornet Moderator Staff Member

    Superb Clive.
  25. luke_golden

    luke_golden Space Cadet

    “Passing accuracy of an 18th century cannon” was my particular favorite.
    wimbornet likes this.
  26. foxywfc

    foxywfc Reservist

    Enjoyed that write up, great job Clive. My favourite was the bit about the traffic lights. As for the match, it’s all about how we react. Hopefully one lung Geri starts and we attack them as sitting back allowing them to play won’t be good for us. Southampton nullified neves and Moutinho for 80mins and nearly come away with something. Do that and try to keep their wing backs out the game. Hopefully we respond like muff did with their defeat to Burnley.

    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
  27. The undeniable truth

    The undeniable truth First Team Captain

    Yes, "a bit of a pasting" just about sums up my prediction. The forwards seem to have stopped scoring and the defence will be decimated. 3-0 wolves.
    Rozerhorn likes this.
  28. Cassetti's Beard

    Cassetti's Beard First Team

    Far too much to read in my spare time, will save it for tomorrow at work.

    Wolves 4 0 Watford

    Will be to pissed to care about the result
    Harrow Orn likes this.
  29. Sahorn

    Sahorn Reservist

    Lady Thatcher was a sperm? :eek:

  30. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    I think that by the 1700s cannon were becoming more accurate. It was a poor analogy. 16th century cannon would've been better.
  31. SkylaRose

    SkylaRose Administrator Staff Member

    Clive I bow to your greatness of football pre match write ups. Amazing content and accurate analysis of both sides. Very well done.

    As for the game? Hmmm not simple. Play like we have done overall we may snag a point. They are looking like the sort of side to sit back and win games late on, either that or come back and get a result.

    Both of which we have are also more than capable of. Regardless of the actual result it’s more interesting to see the line up. Will Success start? Will Chalobah get a sniff? Will gray get dropped to second half sub?

    I really can’t see anything past a loss. If Gracia has us fired up from last fortnight we may grab a draw. Wolves are playing well and picking up points, we seem to of gone backwards not in terms of effort but goal scoring. Sonething Wolves have little trouble with.

    Happy bunny likes this.
  32. Happy bunny

    Happy bunny Cheered up a bit

    Clive was a bit harsh on the late 50s/ early 60s sides which included the England captain amd a couple of skilful wingers who could cross a ball (we used to like thst sort of thing in Watford).

    Wolf Town was also the site of Marlon's incisive critique of linoing standards
  33. BigRossLittleRoss

    BigRossLittleRoss First Team

    Also their most famous son is one of rocks greatest and also named after an item of heavy industry as per Clives OP.
  34. Lloyd

    Lloyd Squad Player

    2-2. Hornets throw away 0-2 half time lead in the last 20 minutes
  35. Oscar calling

    Oscar calling Squad Player

    Wolves are a better side than the Muffins, so assuming we play a lot better we may only lose 3-1.

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