What Made Me Larf Today

I asked a person trainer if he could teach me to do the splits.

He said it depends how flexible I am.

I said I can’t do Tuesdays or Thursdays.

 

Quasimodo walked into a bar and orders a glass of whiskey.

‘Bell’s alright?’ Asks the barman.

‘Mind you own ******* business’ says Quasimodo.

 

My mate Phillip had to have his lip removed.

We just call him Phil now.

 

I went into Blockbuster and asked to borrow Batman Forever.

The bloke said ‘No you’ve got to have it back by Friday’

 

Tim Vine?

 

Blockbuster is dead m8.

 

In my planning for a Jubilee do
I told my wife we were going to have a film of the queen running
She say she didn’t know the Queen was into Athletics!

 

Oh god... oh Jesus Christ!

https://wailingdip.co.uk/buy/

 

From the B3ta newsletter:
: FESSHOLE
Your confessions industrially pulped into 'likes'

Each week you vomit into a urinal and we sieve for chunks and hold them aloft shouting "is this sh1tty gold?"

* PARENTING DONE RIGHT - "I've replaced my daughters gerbil 3 times and she's not noticed. Last year as part of a school project she wrote to the Guinness book of records to tell them how old it is."

* SECOND PUNNING - "I spent a bit of the 90s wondering what a dord was and why the Stone Roses wanted to be one."

* GOING TO HELL? "When I was 16 my dad sat me down and told me I had an older brother who died of cot death before I was born. They had a little box of his stuff, wrist band and his birth certificate. I nicked the birth cert every weekend to get served in pubs in town. Figured my bro wouldn't mind."

Join the half a million followers that only understand one German word: schadenfreude.
http://twitter.com/fesshole

 

The other side of YouTube. Not many views, not many subscribers, and it looks like he's been drinking. I'm still not sure about the point he's trying to make but he does have a Dougal the dog on his top shelf.

 

Now this is a rarity. I actually saw this at the Youth Club we were forced to go to during the mid to late 70s. It was one of the few things, when we had a film evening, that didn't bore us all to tears.

 

They did a gig in the evening in the 'Pool just after trashing their "management's" office over their shyte "contracts" - the venom and spite was dripping from Ian Brown's caustic performance of this that night...

 

Another Viz classic. Mmmmm Nigerian Cabernet Sauvignon Blanc sounds lovely.

 

Very good. Reminds me of this;

 

https://www.facebook.com/BBCOne/videos/jacob-rees-mogg-tracey-breaks-the-news/10155576878841778/

 

My all-time favourite joke

 

I don’t know if you were aware, but he was a deeply unpleasant man. Up there with Saville, Harris and Cyril Smith.

 

what famous actor jumps over trees

John tree vaulter

 

Lies!!!!!!!!!!! All lies. Marsh gas (methane) doesn't smell of anything much. That's whys the gas to your cooker/boiler has to have a smell added to it.

 

https://twitter.com/_figensezgin/status/1552780277205946375

 

https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1554750332240105473

 

Rebecca Vardy claiming she has PTSD.

 

PTSD usually requires being involved in trauma where there was extreme physical harm or there was a threat or belief of physical harm or death to yourself or another, usually someone close or there was a threat of moral harm, for example being involved in something deeply immoral.

She’s merely clinically fed-up at having lost.

 

Yep sort of manages to stick a finger up at veterans or accident survivers doesn't it.
If she'd not had too much bottox, she'd be crying into her Louis Vitton hanky.

 

https://www.theguardian.com/footbal...me-rose-west-stand-after-social-media-mocking

 

Refer to my post from a few days ago ^