As another pass is hopefully punted forwards or direct to the opposition, have you ever wondered what they must be doing in training? Don't they practice? In an explosive behind the scenes exposé, our Kwadwo finally lifts the curtain on what goes on. Training seems to take place in facilities somewhere approximate to a public park with little kiddies' 'my first goal' posts and nets. After a little montage of Kwadwo running through unchallenged with the ball, almost tripping over his own feet, but finally managing to punt it into the corner of the net, we start the monologue to camera. Kwadwo has dressed for the occasion in a fetching black roll neck, a fluorescent pink zip up windcheater thing, which seems to be either very popular or the compulsory uniform, what I'd estimate to be a size 34AA black bra and a bizarre 'hat' made out of a sort of sleeve of felt material and with the washing instructions label sticking out at the back, bless him. Someone in the background shouts something about "any 4!" and Kwadwo explains they're going to do "any 4 now and umm 2 midfielders....well you'll see". We do see. The lads hack it about between themselves and shout things like "go!" and "good!" and "3!...4!" until one of them eventually, with all the time in the world, fires it into the back of the kiddie goal from 2 feet out. Huzzah! Back to Kwads, who explains that that was a passing drill. He then comes over a bit arrogant and demanding the camera be pointed at some rugby posts in the distance and then at a knot of players standing around chatting and sharing a fag up the other way. Obviously they do more on like erm a week or a weekday like whatever erm and now point the camera over there, we're going to do a little 5 v 5! It turns out 5 v 5 is what we used to call 5 a-side, except now it's full size goals. It's pretty much a repeat of the passing except now they're half heartedly trying to stop the passes. Kwadwo sprints 20 yards and is so knackered that he has to stand doubled over with his hands on his knees panting like a old hound while the lads continue hacking it around. Morris flobs out a massive greenie. Eventually Vata, completely unchallenged and with all the time in the world, punts it past the keeper from 5 yards out and that wraps up training for the day. "That's a day in my life" says Kwadwo sadly.
