My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuumcleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
A toad, a mole and a rat were resting under a large tree. Suddenly a gust of wind knocked the tree down and crushed them all to death. On seeing the terrible sight, the farmer said to his son, "There by wind in these willows..."
I looked out the back garden last week and saw a German shepherd doing its business on the back lawn . He came back yesterday and brought his dog with him !.
During Euro 2024 the England team decided to visit a German orphanage. “it was heartbreaking to see their said little faces, with no hope whatsoever” … Said Heinrich, age 6.
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at this moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
Last night I was woken up at 2am by three Loo Town supporters playing football on my front lawn with a hedgehog! I was appalled and disgusted. I was just about to call the police when the hedgehog went up one nil.
A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him too. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, 'Well, did anyone else see my face?' There followed a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was afraid to speak. Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, 'My wife got a pretty good look at you.'
Yesterday, I went into my local B & Q store and this man in orange and brown comes over to me and asks me if I want decking. Luckily I got the first punch in, but you can't be too careful.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet? Because the P is silent. (stolen from comments section on a Viz post yesterday).
A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica, $3.75 in Bermuda, and $3 in the Bahamas. Those are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.
For sale: Packet of Polos, unopened Mint Condition. Spoiler: Risky - Click With Caution Sperm donors wanted. Please come quickly.
I went into Waterstones yesterday and asked 'do you have that new book about living with a micropenis?' The assistant said 'I don't think it's in yet.' 'Yeah, that's the one.'
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started......
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
In a history lesson in Dublin the teacher asked ‘who lost his kingdom and life at the Battle of Bosworth?’ She was slightly alarmed to see that only the class bad boy Sean had his hand up to answer. With trepidation she said ‘OK, Sean, who was it?’ ‘**** 5h1t’ came the confident reply. ‘How dare you use such language! Go to the headmaster at once!’ shouted the teacher. Upon which, Sean’s friend Mick put his hand up. ‘What is it?’ the teacher asked. ‘Please, Miss,’ said Mick. ‘I think he meant to say Richard da Turd.’ EDIT: the asterisks blotted out D i c k
The Americans had Lemsip. The Russians had Night Nurse. This was the cold war. ====================== Guy Fawkes' plan to destroy the UK Government was dashed when he discovered his body was made of straw, and his head was an old football. ======================= Me and my girlfriend were making out on the couch, when she said "Shall we take this into the bedroom?" I said "Ok, you get one end I'll grab the other".
My friend's father just passed away. I called him up and said 'plethora.' He said 'Thank you. That means a lot.'
I was at a cashpoint yesterday and a frail little old lady asked me to check her balance for her - not being one to disappoint I pushed her over
