Thought it might be good to see any short jokes/ stories to cheer up a miserable day. Trump to Musk: Canada is mining and selling too many minerals. Musk: What are you going to do? Trump: Order tariffs to make them mine less. Musk: *Mine fewer. Trump: Shhh, don't call me that yet. Just went to the Oreo website and hit "accept all cookies" …….. and now we wait The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuumcleaner. Talk about Dyson with death I'm sure these can be bettered
Two legionnaires struggling through the desert, one says to the other, "Look over there, it's a bacon tree". The second replies, "There's no such thing, it's a mirage, you're hallucinating" they carry on their journey. A couple of hours go by and they're really struggling from dehydration now, with little prospect of reaching their destination. The first legionnaire says, "You know that's definitely a bacon tree over there!" The 2nd replies "I've told you before, there's no such thing it's a mirage!" A few miles further, both really struggling. The first says " I don't care what you say, that's definitely a bacon tree". The second replies out of exhaustion "OK go over and find out, I've had enough and staying here". The first crawls away over the dune to check it out. Half an hour later he struggles back all battered and bruised, black eye split lip. He gasped "Sorry, you were right, it wasn't a bacon tree, it was an ambush"
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' ... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...
They’ve discovered an unknown Pygmy tribe living in a remote part of the Argentinian Pampas region. They call themselves the F’Qarwi tribe. As they journey across their territory with the pampas grass towering above them they take it in turns to jump up so they can see above the top of the pampas. As they do, they shout out ‘We’re the F’Qarwi! We’re the F’Qarwi!’
Because of my dyslexia, when I joined the army they assigned me to the bakery. I was sent out to fight all buns glazing.
*one for the fellow coders or nerds Bloke walks into a bar and says "Excuse me, can I have a ... ... ... ..." Barman replies, "have a what mate?" Bloke stands there with his mouth agape, just saying nothing. He starts to go red in the face and sweating. "Barman gets worried and says "mate, are you sure you're alright? Can I call anyone for you?" Suddenly the bar door swings open and the bloke's friend walks in and calms him down. "What the hell was his problem dude?" Asked the barman. "Oh, don't worry barman." the friend said. "My mate here was trying to output a non-null terminated character string". Q: How do you confuse an idiot? A: 42 Artificial Intelligence is expanding at a rapid rate and some estimate it will take all our working jobs. Actually, that statement is false because an A.I could never work out how being a politician gets a person paid being that stupid.
I went into a joke shop and asked how much are your balloons 25p each, £1 if blown up! What I said! That’s inflation for you the shopkeeper said!
If you’re on Instagram (they’re also probably other socials) flow these blokes: https://www.instagram.com/howtokillanhour Terrible dad jokes in the main, but the way they always find such humour in them makes them somehow much funnier.
Two blokes are enjoying a round of golf, they're half way around the course waiting to tee off when they can see two women in the distance on that hole's green taking forever putting their balls. Getting impatient, one of the two men start walking over to them to tell them to hurry up. As he gets half way there, he turns back and returns to his friend and says, "You'll have to go and tell them. I got half way and then I realised one of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress, so I came back." The other man heads off towards the green but he too returns having only gone halfway, "Snap!" He says.
You kidding? Our club board is full of clowns and jokers. Problem is, nothing they do is funny, correct or right.
There is a man sitting at the Superbowl final on Sunday in a seat with one of the best views of the whole pitch, but with an empty seat next to him. Another man spots the seat has been empty for a while and asks the man with the empty seat next to him if it is indeed empty, the first man confirms there is indeed nobody sitting there. The second guy can’t believe it - that’s crazy he says, why would someone leave such a great seat empty for the Superbowl final? The second guy responds … Well... actually, it’s my wife’s seat. She passed away recently. We never missed a Super Bowl final together. Not even once. The person then asks, 'Couldn’t you have offered it to a friend, family member, or even a neighbour?' The second guy just shakes his head and says, 'No… they’re all at the funeral.'
My wife does not read these ( I hope) I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started.....
Says the man who posted "which leg?" twice on the "Give Gino a break" thread, presumably because he thought we all missed that rapier wit the first time.
A nicely middle class chap called Rupert finds himself in prison. He’s taken to the cell that he's going to be sharing with Knuckles - a 6ft tall, 19 stone, shaven headed, tattooed brute of a man. "'You're on the top bunk. Put your things away and I'll show you round the place," says Knuckles. The new cellmates get on well and by the end of the day Rupert is feeling more relaxed in his new surroundings. "Good night Knuckles," he says as the cell lights click off at the start of his first night on the top bunk bed. "You awake?" says Knuckles after a while. "Yeah." "Good. I want to play Mummies and Daddies," grunts the fat thug from the bottom bunk. "As its your first night you can pick who you want to be - Mummy or Daddy." Rupert's blood runs cold. "Erm... Er... Oh god... Erm... Sweet Jesus... OK... I'll... I'll... I'll be Daddy," he replies thinking that was marginally better option. "Righto daddy. Get down here and suck mummy's c0 ck."
A gardener friend suggested putting well rotted horse manure on my strawberries… I’m never doing that again. In future I’m sticking to whipped cream.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started...
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
I found out that my neighbour is a gynaecologist when I saw him wallpapering his hall through his letterbox
Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says, " Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen " Dave replies, " Well we were married for nearly 20 years "
When Mrs Lloyd and I were having breakfast the other day I made an embarrassing Freudian slip. I meant to say 'pass the marmalade please dearest' but it came out as 'you f***ing cow, you've completely ruined my life.'
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound English", "I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously. "What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist." "What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals." "Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.
I went to my favourite terrible site to find one, but this is not as bad as it should be: While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for..., "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look." She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with the motorbike, I guess."
