1. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    Not surprised that the Chesterfield went for a nice profit.
     
  2. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Academy Graduate

    oooh, another one of those gavel-granting anomalies that wfcmoog spotted the other day. poor Timbo.
     
  3. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    Needs to sell it better to his team to earn his GG
     
  4. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Academy Graduate

    it was a tremendous lot.
     
  5. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Academy Graduate

    Did I detect a whiff of Jane from Rainbow about that Redbird blonde?
    (Insert your own BH Bungle joke. Plenty of pink Georges to pick from too.)
     
  6. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    Blinded by Hawley's outfits.

    BlindedByOutfit.jpg
     
    OldTraff78 likes this.
  7. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Academy Graduate

    They look like they might've been Vietnamese boat people?
    Imagine the horrors they could've witnessed in 1975.
    The napalm flashes, the Agent Orange, the 28-inch flares...
    Yet it is only Foghorn who has successfully blinded them.
     
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2022
  8. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    BBC approved preamble:
    Ardingly 27
    Bargain Hunt Series 63
    https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001fhgx
    Charlie Ross and the teams visit Ardingly Antiques Fair with experts Caroline Hawley and Tim Weeks. Charlie heads to nearby Amberley Museum to learn about the history of firefighting in Britain.

    The Translation:
    Charl-eh is dressed for the Long Room at Lords complete with MCC-banded Panama or is it a Pork Pie hat. It's not the only famous 'bacon and eggs' colours on him as he has had a large breakfast and got half of it down his front. The question is whether that's HP brown sauce that's appeared on his slacks. All it needs now is his assistants today to get into the spirit of things, Treepole Weeks could wear his large Desperado-style hat and Foghorn Screamgage could don her freshly prepped MCC bloodshot orb tartan to frighten some of the more senior members off their mortal coil and hopefully create some more space on the waiting list for the great and the good who have a spare few thousand quid like Pritti Patel.

    The Staff:
    [Gaffer] Omnifool Charlie Ross, the twit's twit, his brain is a vacant cartouche
    [Red Team Expert] Timpole Tudor Wunderbar Weeks
    [Blue Team Expert] Caroline Domestos Hawley, kills all known profits, Thwack, DEAD, premiering an item from her Cat Litter Sandpit Tartan range
    exclusive from her Green Death Maggot Tartan collection.
    [Auctioneer] Nick Plaid All Over Hall
    [Auction Location] Bentley's Auction Rooms, Cranbrook, Kent
    (Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)

    Start.jpeg Auction.jpeg

    The Teams:
    [Red Team] Trade union official Mother and her daughter. Everyone out!!
    (Challenge: Motoring connection)
    [Blue Team] Married retired couple from the far east. She's called Peck as in henpeck her hubby. He's called Nest(or). Cluckety cluck.
    (Challenge: Victorian jewellery)

    The Shopping:
    Reds: Yankee petrol pump cupboard (26 Challenge) Good, Skipware step ladder (14) Good, Vintage Lock & Co hat box with 2 top hats (79) Ab Fab says Plaidy.
    Blues: Fortnum & Mason boxed Chester silver cruet set (65) Good, 9ct gold and diamond tie pin (18 Challenge) Bargain, 1920's silver visiting card case (75) ouch potential finger burn.

    The Distraction:
    History of firefighting means a visit for Charl-eh to Amberley Museum. He's shown a pump and so he gets his own equipment out and starts pumping until he produces a jet. He collapses exhausted but is woken up by the words Fire Tender, The mention of tender has Charl-eh salivating and reaching for his knife and fork in anticipation of a glorious tuck-in. Green Goddess is mentioned and Charl-eh's head spins at the thought of a Star Trek dancing Orion slave girl. Another jet is produced with minimal pumping.

    Distraction.jpeg

    Orion.jpg

    The Auction:
    Reds: Yankee petrol pump cupboard (small profit), Skipware step ladder (profit) GG incoming, Vintage Lock & Co hat box with 2 top hats (decent profit).
    Treepole's BB is an aged Chesterfield leather sofa (100), REJECTED, 60-80, 160. Excellent buy Timpole, well sourced.

    Reds.jpg

    Blues: Fortnum & Mason boxed Chester silver cruet set (tenner loss), 9ct gold and diamond tie pin (small profit), 1920's silver visiting card case (large loss).
    Foghorn's BB is a 9ct gold and malachite bracelet (80), 60-80, 110. Foghorn triumphs. An air raid siren goes off or is that just Hawley talking.

    CardCase.jpeg Bracelet.jpeg

    The Aftermath:
    Good Plaidy auction, decent items, decent expert (Treepants), mediocre expert (Klaxonne). Good entertainment. Surprise, surprise, as sure as night follows day, Hawley brings her anti-Midas touch and overpays on the silver items. Even at a decent auction Hawley makes an overall loss. Too much fannying around with Peck and Nest. A Treepants Golden Gavel for the Reds, but they should have gone with Wunderbar's excellent leather Chesterfield sofa. Weeks really on form today.

    RedWin.jpeg BlueLoss.jpeg

    The Hi-Kick:
    Outside conventional Kick. Charl-eh has his mitts on Red Girl. Great effort from everyone. Excellently coordinated. Yes, YES!!!!

    HiKick.jpeg
     
  9. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Academy Graduate

    good spot on the kick; one of the best ever.

    great grab of Charlie being quite literally a bell-end.
     
  10. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    This was created for an ITV Xmas Party.

     
  11. Bwood_Horn

    Bwood_Horn Squad Player

    No it wasn't. It was for an Xmas 'promo' all the ITV franchises' (and Beeb) VT depts (or 'Edits') used to produce for staff and 'talent'.
     
    reg_varney likes this.
  12. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    My apologies. An ITV 'VT Depts/Edits" Xmas party tape, hawked around to their mates in the industry, which is why they ended up on various "homemade" compilation DVDs which I picked up at various film fairs. This clip will probably have originated from it's Terrestial TV preniere on the pilot episode of Victor Lewis-Smith's TV Offal in the late 90s when Channel 4 made late night programmes worth watching and taping.

    Actually, I may have picked it up at the late lamented Fairs they used to have at Woodside Leisure Centre. The last one, had Michael Berryman (see above/previous page) doing a Q&A which got badly busted by Police and Trading Standards. Total chaos ensued and poor Berryman, a big softie at heart, was visibly shocked at the over the top reaction to some low key cult film trading, buying, and selling.
     
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2022
    OldTraff78 likes this.
  13. Bwood_Horn

    Bwood_Horn Squad Player

    Being in the 'Wood these were a yearly treat. The BBC, Thames & LWT ones were usually pretty good: lots of out-takes/bloopers & specially performed stuff by the 'talent'. The ones from the smaller ITV franchises were less good: those with a 'narrative' were clips of foreign TV added together to form something about how their franchise was too poor to make any good programmes.

    My favourite one was from the BBC OB unit filming an episode of "A Round with Alliss". Peter Alliss just had to chip a ball some 5m over a stream to land on the green - he fluffs it "Oh , I think I'll try that again" but the VT team had overlayed the producer's feed "Never mind Peter love - that's take one. Set for a reshoot..." but Peter's well refreshed and keeps cocking it up. The producer's getting more irate & more irate until "TAKE 17. IF THE DRUNKEN SENILE OLD C*NT CAN'T HIT IT THIS TIME THEN THROW HIM ONTO THE GREEN..."
     
    reg_varney and OldTraff78 like this.
  14. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Academy Graduate

    :D

    p.s.
    "Victor Lewis-Smith's TV" - vg, iirc. Some great Easy! big band interludes too. Plus the Gay Daleks. Presumably instant arrest if anyone rebroadcast that today. (Unless they added edit-suite rainbow armbands onto their experminator plungers. Yeah, try showing a Dalek a yellowcard, FIFA bullies, and see what you get.)
     
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2022
  15. Bwood_Horn

    Bwood_Horn Squad Player

    Also I membered a Thames one that had Kenny Everett and Billy Connolly dressed as security guards doing a Derek & Clive / Mel & Griff pastiche introducing various clips. One of which was Ted Heath losing his rag conducting a youth orchestra - which Kenny and Billy celebrated by singing their version of Verdi's La Donna e Mobile:

    Aresholes are cheap today,
    Cheaper than yesterday,
    Little boy are half a crown,
    Standing up or sitting down,
    Bigger boys are three and six,
    Cos' they can take bigger d**ks,
    Areseholes are cheaper -
    Cheaper today!!!

    Which I immediiatly sing (sometimes internally) whenever I hear this piece of music. Kenny then stated that we needed some classical dancing to calm down - which the cut to a PVC-lingerie clad Hot Gossip 'doing' a 'routine' to Lou Reed's "Walk on the Wild Side" in, what I can assume, was a VT editing suite...
     
    OldTraff78 and reg_varney like this.
  16. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    Exsperminate. Let's find a sauuunnaaaa. Oooo, ooooo, white wee-wee, oooo.

    There's plenty of VLS content on youtube if you go digging around, some of it uploaded by himself, or on behalf of himself. All 15 episodes of the peerless Ads Infinitum can be found here:

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCi8P_87TmWocced7IkobEpg/search?query=ads+infinitum

    Along with Inside VLS, TV Offal, and his C4 work, Buygones, Up Your Arts which can be found here:







    This chaps channel has so much brilliant vintage content, including VLS:

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCi8P_87TmWocced7IkobEpg/videos
     
    OldTraff78 likes this.
  17. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    A physical wolf whistle.
     
    OldTraff78 likes this.
  18. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    Tragicooper directing them towards a nice loss making bowl.
     
  19. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    That Blue bloke is Mr Clumsy, he almost had a breakage at the beginning.
     
  20. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    Do you know much about medals Ben? Errrr no he doesn't.
     
  21. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    Some heavy losses incoming here I think. That dairy flowerpot and that jug. Some absolute stinkers today.
     
  22. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    The Reds (Cooper) have pre-auction bad vibes.
     
  23. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    Dutch auction on the bowl. LOL

    You couldn't make it up.

    BB disaster? LOL

    Yup another Cooper dud. Hahahahahahaha
     
  24. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    Can't give it away! ******* huge loss. Utter **** from Cooperman.
     
  25. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    Ugly vase. Ridiculous price incoming.
     
  26. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    Anything over a tenner and its too much
     
  27. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Academy Graduate

    "the room will let us know," pleads Carlos Whispa, after his contestants said they had no confidence.
    verdict: his guilty feats had got no rhythm.
     
    reg_varney and wfcmoog like this.
  28. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    That weird troglodyte woman buys it for exactly what I said
     
    reg_varney likes this.
  29. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    Should have said 'no faith'
     
    reg_varney and OldTraff78 like this.
  30. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    Jug proves me and auctioneer wrong.
     
  31. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Academy Graduate

    tbf, Carlos looked as mortified as his role model must've done when that cop busted his loo.
     
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2022
    reg_varney likes this.
  32. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    Golden gavel for the Blues surely. Yup. Chalk and cheese teams and experts.
     
  33. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    Blues are Gozilla, reds are Tokyo. Total destruction.
     
    reg_varney likes this.
  34. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Academy Graduate

    ha ha! yes, indeed.
     
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2022
  35. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    BBC approved preamble:
    Builth Wells 3
    Bargain Hunt Series 63
    https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001fj8p
    Natasha Raskin Sharp and the teams shop for antiques in the market town of Builth Wells, with experts Ben Cooper and Kate Bliss on hand to help them sniff out the best bargains. While the teams are busy shopping, Natasha quizzes fairgoers about a mystery item.

    The Translation:
    After a night on the Bucky, Strict Natasha nurses her hangover with another trip to Builth Wells, Wales where she will ask Shrilly Trilly to tone it down and Ben Clot Tragicooper to be the useful or should we say useless idiot to distract from her daytime dehydrated torporred stupor. Auction is back to the milking shed with Farmer Will where the bidding and tugging go hand in hand. Just remember to squirt in the pail if you get too excited.

    The Staff:
    [Gaffer] Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp, Glasgow Southside enforcer
    [Red Team Expert] Ben Yeti Cooper, the Himalayan Halfwit
    [Blue Team Expert] Posh Kate Shrilly Trilly Bliss
    [Auctioneer] Farmer Will, the prize bull, bring on the heffers it's milking time
    [Auction Location] Stourbridge
    (Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)

    Start.jpeg Auction.jpeg

    The Teams:
    [Red Team] Sisters, one has a genuine ship's wheel on her wall, yes, exciting.
    (Challenge: Antique or vintage accessory)
    [Blue Team] Male friends, one is a retired gardener who is Mr Clumsy.
    (Challenge: Related to horses)

    The Shopping:
    Reds: Dog-shaped whistle (49) topend, Trifari costume jewellery earrings (9 Challenge) topend, Milking bowl, Farmer Will eyes this up (75) topend.
    Blues: Susie Cooper Moon and Mountain jug (99) slightly damaged so overpaid, Silver-plated horse racing themed oak based ink well (50 Challenge) OK, Charlotte Reid Poole pottery charger (25) Profit all day long.

    The Distraction:
    Mystery object time, A silver knife with a mother-of-pearl handle. Hook on the end of the blade. Genital **** cheese scraper? No, it's an orange peeler, so not that far off. Strict Natasha shows off her knife moves she developed growing up in Glasgow. It's made of acid resistant material but probably not to battery acid flung at a miscreant during a typical evening scuffle of drunken mayhem.

    Distraction.jpeg

    The Auction:
    Reds: Dog-shaped whistle (loss), Trifari costume jewellery earrings (small profit), Milking bowl (big loss).
    Carlos' BB is a Cut-glass silver-topped 2-handled vase (60), 15-25, 10. Fantastic *****housery from the forever useless Mr Wispa.

    MilkingBowl.jpeg GlassVase.jpeg

    Blues: Susie Cooper Moon and Mountain jug (large profit), Silver-plated horse racing themed oak based ink well (small profit), Charlotte Reid Poole pottery charger (large profit). Well deserved Golden Gavel.
    Trilly's BB is a a Silver-mounted Blue John got a new moatarrrr brooch (15), 10-15, 35. Trilly strikes gold or should we say silver. Nice work Trills.

    Blues.jpg

    The Aftermath:
    Chalk and cheese auction. The Reds pre-auction bad vibes and the bitter chalk served up by an ever impressive Tragicooper Masterclass of Sh1tey Awfulness ensued. Another 3-figure loss. 2 Dutch auction style items of farkwittery. Brilliantly bad. Is he destined to become Tory Party leader in the near future? Fark yes.
    The Blues were served up a tasty trilly-style Caws Cenarth that delivered a 3-figure profit and a well-deserved Golden Gavel. Trilly you're becoming consistently good.

    RedLoss.jpeg BlueWin.jpeg

    The Hi-Kick:
    Outdoor wooded uneven grass kick. One of the Reds on crutches. All make par with a good effort on an uneven surface with good coordination. Excellent. Yes, YES!!

    HiKick.jpeg
     
    OldTraff78 likes this.

Share This Page