1. BigRossLittleRoss

    BigRossLittleRoss First Team

    Can I recommend fans of Bargain Hunt to the excellent " Beat the Burglar" whereby an ex convicted house burglar competes against smug , house owners about whether their house is "unbreakable " or not.

    The usual plot runs along the lines of said smug house owner stating that hes got a big Alsatian that makes his house impregnable, followed by the Ex Con presenter giving a knowing smile and then breaking in , bypassing the so called aggressive dog with a diversionary pack of sausages and then rummaging through the daughters underwear drawer in full view of the wife watching on cctv, and consequently b0llocking said smug house owner on live TV. Priceless.

    Has seen me through many a dark, mid week hangover.
  2. Clive_ofthe_Kremlin

    Clive_ofthe_Kremlin Squad Player

    The premise sounds great.

    I'm always up for a bit of middle class shock 'n' outrage.

    I shall look out for some of this and report back.
  3. Lloyd

    Lloyd Squad Player

    What happens if the house owner creeps up behind the 'burglar' and beats him to death with a cricket bat?
  4. BigRossLittleRoss

    BigRossLittleRoss First Team

    I think that’s allowed and not illegal because it’s for a game show .
    Lloyd likes this.
  5. Lloyd

    Lloyd Squad Player

    Good. The show is called Beat the Burglar after all
  6. Filbert

    Filbert Leicester supporting bloke

    This opens up the inviting thought of bludgeoning Eamon Holmes with a mallet on Holmes Under the Hammer.
    Teide1, Robert Peel and UEA_Hornet like this.
  7. BigRossLittleRoss

    BigRossLittleRoss First Team

    Or indeed bludgeoning Eamon Holmes when hes not on Homes Under the Hammer
  8. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    What an episode today! Reds with a monster profit and a Golden Gavel, but Hanson's pendant as a bonus buy didn't live up to expectations, so took a chunk off their profit.

    Blues with a profit on item one, a profit on item 2, then Item 3, bought for £36, the hammer came down at £35! A pound of a GG! But wait, what's this? An old gent who bid £38 just before the gavel fell? A quick review, VAR, and given! A Golden Gavel is awarded!

    The profit on the Edinburgh hallmarked snuff box, bonus buy, almost drowned out in the excitement.

    A win for the reds as their profit on the scales just carried them too far ahead to be caught, but the blues must be pleased to be going home with the coveted GG and a handsome profit. Definitely no losers today.
    Lloyd and Clive_ofthe_Kremlin like this.
  9. Teide1

    Teide1 Squad Player

    Your name is Charles and I collect my £5!
  10. Clive_ofthe_Kremlin

    Clive_ofthe_Kremlin Squad Player

    How high was the YES! kick at the end?

    That's the part I like best.

    I like to see toes reach at least thigh level..
    Lloyd and wfcmoog like this.
  11. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    I always do the kick at home. Do you?
    Clive_ofthe_Kremlin likes this.
  12. FromDiv4

    FromDiv4 Reservist

    I thought this was another January transfer window thread!
  13. Clive_ofthe_Kremlin

    Clive_ofthe_Kremlin Squad Player

    Decent episode today, with the unlikeable blue pair (a mother with big specs and witch's hair and a daughter with one of those ponytail facelifts) losing big. They were dog enthusiasts they said and you could almost see the pet hairs clinging to their clothes. They looked like their house probably smells badly of dogs and there are half-eaten bowls of dog food lying around.

    Well, pleasingly, they only broke even (or "wiped their face" as we BH insiders say) on one item and lost on two others - a disgusting crystal jug thing and something else that was so forgettable that I've already forgotten it.

    Tense moment in the bonus buy for the blues as the watch thing was obviously rubbish and as the disappointed daughter said: "who wants a purse watch anyway?". Winnie the Witch though was obviously very used to getting her own way and fixed her thin little lips with determination and said grimly that she "wanted to win..". She tailed off before saying what was obvious to everyone - but how could she with that tired old shyte of a bonus buy?

    Well the doggy duo made the right decision because the watch lost about £70. Some expert!

    So the winners were the reds - a rather dull father and son duo who lost on everything apart from one thing which gained £3. The father, who did most of the talking, seemed cheerful enough but I would definitely report him for a proper assessment at the memory clinic if I were looking after him. Mild cognitive impairment at the very least I should say there. Wonderful high kicking YES!! from the winners at the end. Could clearly see the soles of both of their shoes at the zenith. I like that.
  14. Lloyd

    Lloyd Squad Player

    I watch on iPlayer. You've completely ruined my afternoon now
  15. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    That auctioneer with the sideburns is good with a quip, but his bidders are all junk shop owners looking to fill their vans up with cheap cheap who are unlikely to pay good money for a Bargain Hunt purchase.

    You need Hanson, Weeks or Southern and their rich private buyers.
  16. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    What a rollercoaster today (Monday).

    If Bargain Hunt was a gambling affair, I'd be down a ton, as I called nearly everything wrong!

    I thought the Reds were bankers to win, I thought their only risky lot were the crappy school chairs, but they lost on their easel, but gained on the crappy chairs!

    Then that golden dodo! 160 quid! Thomas really pulled out a landmark Bonus Buy, but they rejected it (sensibly I had thought).

    The blues seemed to have well overspent, but this was a Charles Hanson auction and as we know, anything can happen with this absolute maverick of a gavel wielder. His auctions are peerless in their excitement and his ability to squeeze a profit from his giggling day trippers who will spend a fortune on crap for the loft.

    Firstly their circus poster looked to have just lost out, but at the last moment, a grumpy old boomer bid to the £45 it had cost them, only to be outbid online, for a tasty £5 profit.

    Next up their beer dispenser shaped like a petrol pump. Looked all the money to me, but Handsome Hanson whips the auction into a frenzy and it clears a healthy profit!

    Finally, their BBC light. Estimate at 40-60 against a price paid of £135. They looked to have overpaid, but the auction LOVED it. Sold for over £200.

    Not only a vast profit, but Golden Gavels and still Tim Weeks, the eccentric housewives favourite has his bonus buy! What can it be! Oh, a crappy milk bottle holder with a wonky dial. Paid a fiver, should wash its face or make a couple of quid though, but no, some mad old bat paid £50 for it! It's literally just wire and plastic. £50. Nuts.

    So the blues ended up with £170 profit and the coveted GGs, whilst the good ladies of the Peak District head home with car boots loaded with junk to explain to their beleaguered husbands.

    Absolute scenes.

    Will I be watching again tomorrow for more bargain hunt? Yes?

  17. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    A real tat-bizarre today. Even Charles Hanson couldn't rescue this.

    Oh dear, pink fibreglass sheep:

    More squeaky Danny team old-skool crap. Even as bus seats go this is particularly bad. What were they thinking.
  18. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    Unbelievable. As milk holders go this looks like it has been "rescued" from being a seagulls perch at the local landfill. 50 quid!!! Really tatty. Didn't realise Team Poxbury actively bought club items on BH. Surely a 5-year contract for the holder. Probably has more on field presence than WTF and Masina combined.

    Clive_ofthe_Kremlin and wfcmoog like this.
  19. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    Exactly what I said. If you can't get a profit with Hanson at the rostrum, you've bought poorly.

    Though, in mitigation, whenever they are set to buy from a proper shop "I'll just phone the dealer and see what discount he will do" th they always have their work cut out. Retail prices with perhaps 10% knocked off is much harder than the antiques fair, where some idiot with a junk van doesn't realise that the crap he took from a house clearance is actually worth 200 quid.

    Butter churns - look massive but what are you gonna do with them?

    To be fair, I thought the dentist lamp could have done better and the sheep, as awful as they were, would easily go for 200 quid if a couple of Shoreditch pubs were bidding against each other.

    The bus seats were just awful though.
    reg_varney likes this.
  20. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    If I had that and the bus seat in my shed, my wife would have nagged me long ago to get them to the tip. There's no way I'd be thinking they were worth any money. At least with the bus seats, I'd be correct.
    reg_varney likes this.
  21. Filbert

    Filbert Leicester supporting bloke

    I probably haven’t watched a full episode of BH before and yet I love reading this thread.

    Top work chaps.
  22. Keighley

    Keighley Squad Player

    I’m rather taken with the bus seat.

    Certainly wouldn’t pay that much for it, though.
  23. Clive_ofthe_Kremlin

    Clive_ofthe_Kremlin Squad Player

    Does anyone else think it's a bit suspicious how many items get 'broken' in transit between the purchase stall and the auction hall?

    Do they send them by Hermes?

    I'd also like to know if anyone has ever seen an episode where an item is so desperately shyte that nobody at all bids for it? I've thought it was going to be close once or twice, but I'd love to see the still photo grimace shot from a stone bonk zero item that nobody whatsoever wants.
  24. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    I'm sure, unless my senile memory is playing tricks on me (most probably), that there have been 1 or 2 items that attracted no bids even when it's been as low as a fiver offered. Perhaps the BH watcher experts can confirm or deny my dribbling fantasy.
  25. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    Go on, you know you want it.

    wfcmoog likes this.
  26. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    reg_varney likes this.
  27. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    Reds today were classic idiots. Paid fill retail for all three, dreary items. A brass, shell shaped lamp, a crappy ship's wheel and a terrible barrel cupboard thing. The auctioneer was Smoker's Cough, Portsmouth Spiv, John Cameron, who has some penny pinching chavs as his patrons.

    Unsurprisingly rinsed at the auction. Lost over a hundred quid. Even Nick's bonus vase clawing back a fiver barely made a dent.

    The blues did much better. They did spend big on their art deco statue, but at the right auction, that could have run and run, however the gypsies of Portsmouth only saw it worth 130 quid, losing 60 quid on the purchase price. However despite this damage, handsome profits on the blacksmith statuette, the big rustic fruit bowl thing and Chucko's camp bed, brought them up to a tiny loss of only 2 quid. Given the auction action, whilst there was no golden gavel or profit, that was as good as a win IMO.

    Chucko is a canny expert. I think he knows how to deal in Bargain basement profits, unlike the likes of JP and Catherine Southern, who are lovely, but spend far too much sometimes, on very nice items.

    Not a BH for the history books, but still, a decent episode for the connoisseur.
  28. Filbert

    Filbert Leicester supporting bloke

    Every ****er has a podcast now but you and Clive definitely need to start a Bargain Hunt one.
  29. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    I learned something today. Camp bed = Campaign bed. Well I never.

    You're right about the Reds. Went for what they thought looked good rather than something that might sell. The buyers obviously saw them coming.

    It did seem that you'd need a crowbar to open penny pinching pandemic Postsmouth's purses.
  30. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    Don't forget about Reg. He's very much a passionate and interesting contributor to my mind.
  31. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    Both 'camping' and 'campaign' have the same latin root, in the word for 'level ground.'

    In a tent, you want to camp on a flat pitch and when fighting a campaign, you take the field and control the battle ground or campus. I suspect the one very much overlaps with the other in military camps.
    reg_varney likes this.
  32. Filbert

    Filbert Leicester supporting bloke

    Absolutely, my apologies @reg_varney
    reg_varney likes this.
  33. Lloyd

    Lloyd Squad Player

    Most of the dealers on D1ckinson's Any Old Sh1te look like they're almost certainly on the sex offender's register
    reg_varney likes this.
  34. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    a.k.a 1970s TV Times

    Lloyd likes this.
  35. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    The Poodle bottle cover had posh-twit Charlie Ross pouring scorn until it overflowed like a storm drain. However, it doubled it's value which had him choking on his Brown Windsor.

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