Bargain Hunt

Anneka Rice has gone all northern.

 

ALERT!!!!! ALERT!!!! A No Sale. "You'll never find another one like it" said Sarky.

 

Not sold! What a disgrace.

 

That idiot retired Vicar. Sanctimonious twit.

 

exactly.

 

The worst Hi-Kick ever.

 

This Ronaldo?

 

haha!
no, obvs, that mewling shitbag on the Piers Morgan show tomorrow.
(precision: the other shitbag.)

 

ooh, Trilly looking smug.
And fair enough.

 

That was so bad it should've been treated like a foul throw, and ordered to be retaken.

 

Seems unfair that Trilly doesn't get her GG just because they foolishly didn't take her opal cross.

Chalk and cheese today. Reds in the mud, blues imperious.

 

A riveted audience member. Those glasses are really delicious. Are you Muttley in disguise?

 

Ha! I spotted him earlier, awake, and The Viewing Partner asked me, in all seriousness, if it was John Malkovich.

Sigh

The cross I daily bear is heavier than Trilly's rejected opal one.

 

Mind you, for a mid-century baroque period piece in semi-working order, he is defo good value for £9

 

BBC approved preamble:
Harrogate 21
Bargain Hunt Series 53
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m00059q4
Harrogate antiques fair plays host to today’s Bargain Hunt. Anita Manning is at the helm, with experts Kate Bliss and Mark Stacey. The teams scour the fair in the hope that they will make a profit at auction. There are plenty of highs and lows in the saleroom, and Anita goes on a quilting quest at a local museum.

The Translation:
A Harrogate antiques fair at The Yorkshire Events Centre is the venue as another Highlander style contest could be on the cards between occasional Auctioneer, Protestant Witch Botherer, Peter Burn Them All In Hell Robinson and the senile sorceress, Glasgow's own Harridan of the Year winner (10 years in a row), McWitch. Let battle commence. There can only be ONE. In the corners lurk their seconds, Trilly Bliss with a nice flat iron, silver and with clear hallmarks, while in the opposing one will be Sarky Marky, who will don the Magic Sponge if he can be bothered. God-fearing Robinson condemns the Magic Sponge as the work of Satan and marks it for incineration in the fire bucket (a 200 quid Muttley special) at ringside. If he has any energy left then he will be Auctioneering in suitably grim Darlo later. Doesn't Harrogate have any Auction Houses? It's certainly posh enough. Trilly's wearing all-green, she has a bad cold.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Anita McWitch Manning, the Bucky Tonic Wine Baba Yaga
[Red Team Expert] Sarky Marky Stacey, the sleazy, slurry somnambulist, he does enjoy a pansy
[Blue Team Expert] Posh Kate Shrilly Trilly Bliss
[Auctioneer] Peter Matthew Hopkins Robinson
[Auction Location] Thomas Watson, Darlington
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Mixed sex civil servant friends, Anneka Rice has gone Northern, she's an aspiring actress, escorting work?
(Challenge: Wooden with inlaid design)
[Blue Team] Married couple, he's a smug retired vicar, perhaps he can help fallen woman Red girl with her escorting. He also plays the clarinet or was it the pink oboe?
(Challenge: Music related)

The Shopping:
Reds: Wooden bone inlaid trinket box (20 Challenge) fine, Squashed cap pottery (75) ouch, Wooden gaming box (50) topend.
Blues: Battered book biscuit tin (29) OK, Miniature violin in a case (9 Challenge) OK, Curved silver snuff box (75) good.

The Distraction:
McWitch, dressed as Sylvester McCoy Doctor Who's demented sister, goes on a queer queening quilting quest at a local museum. Joe the Quilter who was Slurrrrr slurrrrrr murrrrrrrrrrrddud. It was murrrrrrderrrrrrr. Crime scene is at the museum of the North, full of stuffed Whippet's, wood-wormed cricket bats, and wallets sealed air-tight.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Wooden bone inlaid trinket box (small loss), Squashed cap pottery (No Sale) A Clive!!, Wooden gaming box (loss).
Sarky's BB is a Victorian silver vesta case (75), 60-100, 95. Sarky Strikes Back.



Blues: Battered book biscuit tin (1 quid profit), Miniature violin in a case (nice profit), Curved silver snuff box (nice profit), Golden gavel (should be a silver on for Trills).
Trilly's BB is an 9ct opal pendant cross with a pearl (85), Vicar REJECTS, 40-80, 120, great find Trilly. You idiot Blues.

​

The Aftermath:
McWitch has possessed Charles Hanson as evidenced by her Deckblazer attire. Slurring like a Smike audition in a Scottish production of Nicholas Nickleby, we get plenty of false laughing, Oh yerrr herr-herr. It's almost a 3 figure loss for the Reds. Sarky having a mixed day, partially redeeming himself with a good solid BB. Trilly guides the Blues to a golden gavel and comes up trumps with a superb BB. Shame the idiotic vicar rejected it.



The Hi-Kick:
Outdoor kick on uneven grass. Wow, has to be the worst high kick ever, no co-ordination at all. Total disarray. McWitch's befuddled spell has worked.

​

 

hehheh

"Sylvester McCoy Doctor Who's demented sister"

 

"Oh it's you"say the disappointed Blues. Poor Steph.
The no haggling idiots. They are bloody annoying.

What!!, Boat winches!!! Jeez. Selling those in Pompey for a profit. LOL.

Another industrial lamp. Thankfully it's out of budget.

 

Glass door handles !!! Some real rubbish today.

 

Pompey auction doom. Dutch auction style.

 

It gets worse. LOL.

Wipeout.

Raj's decent mallet doesn't make a profit. Shocking.

Wow a profit. Well done.

Unfortunately, Steph's BB damaged in transit.

 

Good news for that BB, guaranteed profit.

Has to be one of the worst performances ever by a single team. Poor Dr Evil.

 

Bluebird Morticia Addams has certainly let herself go.

 

I repeat my plea for this poor auctioneer, stuck in Auctionland's barren equivalent of Marioupol.
Charming, hip and hard-driving; surely deserves better?

 

He looked stunned. Borderline furious. On the brink of unleashing his superpowers, and reducing the town to ruins. (As though anyone would notice.)

 

BBC approved preamble:
Guildford 24
Bargain Hunt Series 63
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001f8cs
Eric Knowles and the teams shop for antiques in Guildford with experts Raj Bisram and Stephanie Connell. Eric also visits a former Victorian workhouse and samples the grub once served up to inmates.

The Translation:
Today we're in the BH workhouse, Loseley Park in Guildford, with Superintendent Uncle Eric Bumble putting the contestants on the everlasting staircase, the penal tat treadmill of bargain bin bric-a-brac. Helping to find tasty Bargain morsels in the thin gruel of tacky jumble will be pauper warden Dr Evil and pauper nurse Our Steph, who will do her in best to help young Oliver to climb up the social greasy pole. Auctioning the glorified hapepenny half-witted items will be Marine Boy at the Southsea Scrooge Salon where 'Bah Humbug' will be upcycled into BH 'Taken For A Mug". Yup, it's money for old rope Hunt.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Uncle Eric Knowles, as safe as houses, he does love a sausage and a Porridgey load
[Red Team Expert] Raj Dr Evil Bisram
[Blue Team Expert] Stephanie Connell, the Cockermouth Cumbrian, the Auction-world state-educated trailblazer, poster girl for The 93%, Go Steph
[Auctioneer] John Marine Boy Cameron
[Auction Location] Oh-No Southsea, Southsea, Oh-No
(Miserlin Rating: One Star)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Retired female friends from Sussex.
(Challenge: Sit on)
[Blue Team] Retired drama teacher Father and his Daughter.
(Challenge: Travel)

The Shopping:
Reds: 1950s yacht winches (125) ouch Pompey rope burn incoming, Set of 1920s Art Deco glass door handles (50) topend i.e. Pompey loss, Pair of Arts & Crafts oak-framed chairs (100 Challenge) ouch again, more Pompey miserly misery.
Blues: Winstanley ceramic cat (50) topend i.e. Pompey loss, Rusty French child's day bed, hmmm chomp on that lead paint (95) ouch, more Pompey peril, French boxed children's puzzle (25 Challenge) OK, it might have a chance.

The Distraction:
Uncle Eric is off to the The Hair-gel Spike Workhouse in Guildford. A casual workhouse for 80s men in Pringle jumpers and highlighted mullet hair-styles. Their workhouse task will be producing some knock-off imitation Pierre Cardin after-shave while Diamond Lights blares out for their aural discomfort. Later Uncle Eric takes a mouth load of salty gunk.

​

The Auction:
Reds: 1950s yacht winches (huge loss, 3-figures LOL), Set of 1920s Art Deco glass door handles (loss), Pair of Arts & Crafts oak-framed chairs (big 60 quid loss LOL).
Raj's BB is a large 1950s fairground mallet (20), 20-40, will it bang out a profit asks Raj, 20, breaks even. It should have made a profit.



Blues: Winstanley ceramic cat (loss), Rusty French child's day bed, hmmm chomp on that lead paint (largish loss), French boxed children's puzzle (small profit, jackpot Vegas win).
Steph's BB is a re-constituted statue of a female figure damaged in transit (29), 60-80, damaged, so they get a minimum of the top auctioneers estimate (80), sells for 12, but it makes a big profit of 80-29=51 GBP.



The Aftermath:
Raj had a hard time with a couple of senior numpties. They overpaid and would have struggled in Hanson's parlour or that Bucks gold mine from the other day. The loss making here was truly epic and came close to 200 quid. While the Blues were very pig-headed and bought 2 loss-making items without Steph's input. Steph had a good spot with the French puzzle game. Her damaged BB guaranteed a profit in miserly Pompey, but it was a bought at a bargain price so might well have made a profit. Good work Steph. It means that they make a COUGH, SPLUTTER, Pompey 8 Pound Profit. Swoon. Crash!



The Hi-Kick:
Standard outdoor kick on scorched grass. Looks like Steph has skirt issues again. Good attempts from everyone else if a little uncoordinated. Yes, YES!!

​

 

The salty gunk is given and then received:



I'm surprised Uncle Eric didn't chunder after receiving that. Perhaps he's eaten worse things in Lancs.

 

.

 

Well done Cockinmouth-lover Steph.
'Pompey profit.'
Weird seeing that in print.

 

Blue bloke looks like Hebert Lom as Inspector Dreyfus.

 

Q: How to make a profit at a Pompey Auction?
A: Make sure your items are damaged in transit. So the most fragile, wobbly, heavy items are your best bet.

 

As a Lancastrian, I can only concede that this is fair comment.
Never lift the lid off a pie, and never ask what is in the black pudding.

 

If only one could sell Crumpled Lewis

 

Pictorial evidence submission?

 

NOOOOOOOOOOO. It's Southsea Pompey again, tomorrow. ARRRRRGGGGHHHH.