Bargain Hunt

Today (Friday) Boys & Girls, it's a weird 55 minute jobby on early at 12-05 pm

 

Roo rubs the Art Nouveau platter: "It's seductive"

 

Two **** and short episodes today instead of one decent one.

 

Dreadful Auctioneering. Talk about going through the motions.

 

The spirits made them buy a bunch of sh1te. More like jism rather than ectoplasm.

 

"ooooooh!" - the 'senior' Bluebirds love all those big firm knobbly bottles.

 

Charlie "cutting the cake"! With an implement that "avoids a squishy mess".
Blimey...
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Cut that Cake

 

Happily leads one to this, though:

 

Not sure Roo's yellowy outfit is up to par today.
And headwear bordering on 'wanted terrorist suspect' mugshot.
Erm, no offence, etc.

 

Heh heh. I would have guessed "large bush" too.

 

Madeley scores!
One for the record books.

 

Woah!
Just turned over to BBC2, and Roo is on again, polishing her silver (fnar), in something called 'Flipping Profit'. Am told this is an old prog?
The BBC really should be offering a text alert service for all appearances by Roo, Tash and Christina.
Roo looks marvellous. Gorgeous lavender top, leather boots, and no Alan Snackbar headgear.

 

p.s. Hard yards for VAR today. In effect, two match reports to file in one day.
And yet footballers complain about two matches a week

 

Caption Competition Time:

 

I get paid no matter what rubbish I come up with.

 

BBC approved preamble:
Anglesey
Bargain Hunt 55-Minute Versions
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001f140
Charlie Ross and the teams shop for antiques in Anglesey with help from experts Roo Irvine and Richard Madley.

The Translation:
It's a 55-minute version today, is this a 2 in 1 or a really stretched single episode. The Ffwl crand (grand fool) is back in Ynys Môn at the Agricultural Showground with delightful Celtic maiden Roo Irvine and rustic Piltdown man (particularly if it's the bearded variant), Madders Madley not Madeley. Perhaps he take out his cricket bat and knock some sense in the Public schoolboy idiot. The tool recounts a Fair-eh Tale about Bargen who was forced to marry the King Of the Fools. It went sour, his head span, his eyes glazed over and there was a war. Bargen died unhappy at all the losses made at Large Chris' Nantwich Castle. The revolting locals kept their hands deep in their pockets out of respect. C'mon you lot cough up.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Omnifool Charl-eh Ross, in his fool's paradise
[Red Team Expert] Delightful Roo Irvine, full of Eastern Promise
[Blue Team Expert] Richard Madley not Madeley, SportsMad D1ckko Madders
[Auctioneer] Large Chris, should be plenty of cash in Nantwich floating about.
[Auction Location] Peter Wilson's, Nantwich, Cheshire
(Miserlin Rating: Approved)

​

The Teams 1:
[Red Team] Married retired couple who own 6 chickens
(Challenge: Floral)
[Blue Team] Best mates who go paranormal investigating, Derek Acorah watches from beyond the grave in interest
(Challenge: Find in a kitchen)

The Shopping 1:
Reds: Marcasite rose brooch (10 Challenge) fine, Art Nouveau WMF tray (95) struggle, Chester silver buffalo head fraternal medal, poor man's mason (50) struggle.
Blues: Lorna Bailey Robin teapot (90) struggle, John Ditchfield perfume bottle (50) struggle, Amethyst and diamong ring (145) ouch, fingers burned.

The Auction 1:
Reds: Marcasite rose brooch (evens stevens), Art Nouveau WMF tray (largish loss), Chester silver buffalo head fraternal medal, poor man's mason (loss).
Roo's BB are 4 pocket watches (75), 120-180, 100, a decent buy Roo.
Blues: Lorna Bailey Robin teapot (evens stevens), John Ditchfield perfume bottle (largish loss), Amethyst and diamong ring (big loss).
Madders BB is a job lot of moulded and cut-class perfume bottles (15), 30-50, 15. No profit, no loss, but should have made a profit. Auctioneer didn't help.

​

The Aftermath 1:
Dreadful Auction. Auctioneer really went through the motions, Risible. Roo came up trumps with the BB but was not much help with the other items. An off day. Madders had an up and down day, some crap items in the shop and a BB that shoul have made money all day long. The spirits were having a laugh at the Blues. They covered those items with jism rather than ectoplasm.



The Hi-Kick:
Not shown. Booooooooooooo.

The Distraction:
Mystery object time. Silver handled nit comb? Pubic lice remover? It's a cake cutter. An American cake breaker. Donald Trump invented it and he says it's marvellous. Joe Biden asks what a cake is, why you would want to cut it, and why is Gerald Ford presenting Bargain Hunt?

​

The Teams 2:
[Red Team] Retail managers
(Challenge: Moulded or cast)
[Blue Team] Husband and Wifey
(Challenge: Handmade)

The Shopping 2:
Reds: Boxed coffee bean silver spoons (30) topend, Victorian cast-iron stick stand (55 Challenge) OK, Scandi silver bracelet (130) ouch.
Blues: Bin-rescued 3-legged table (18) topend, Forged steel sugar nips (29 Challenge) OK, Brass weighing scales and weights (100) ouch.

The Auction 2:
Reds: Boxed coffee bean silver spoons (profit), Victorian cast-iron stick stand (largish profit), Scandi silver bracelet (big loss).
Roo's BB are treated amber and silver earrings (20), 10-20 (mean estimate), 25, a profit, well done Roo.
Blues: Bin-rescued 3-legged table (small loss), Forged steel sugar nips (loss), Brass weighing scales and weights (largish loss).
Madders BB is an armillary sphere (40), 50-100, it's the cover lot, 95, excellent find Madders.

​

The Aftermath 2:
Roo wore tea cosy for the shop. Awful Auction again. Dreadful charisma-free zone auctioneer. Roo had an up and down shop with an excellent BB but paid too much for the stylish Scandi jewellery. Madders came up trumps with that armillary sphere. A superb find.



The Hi-Kick 2:
Standard indoor kick. Good effort from the Reds, poor from the Blues. Roo gives us an excellent head kick Growler in her two-tone dogtooth outfit. It's a site for sore eyes. Yes, YES!!

​

 

Paranormal ghostly influencer Derek commands the Blues to buy that amethyst and diamond ring.

 

I was thinking more of a tea cosy. Makes up for it with the outfit and Hi-Kick later.

 

Fnar fnar. She also enjoys a roasting with 2 blokes too. That hat turns her into a Bargain dominatrix. Charl-eh will be experiencing confusion in the trouser department.

 

Stakhanovite labours from VAR today, in essence covering three events. Well played, sir.
Not often one sees "jugs", "jism", and "ectoplasm" in one session.
(Unless one gets lucky in a haunted house.)

 

A Saturday bonus scheduled today, I see. Shortened but still better than nowt. Followed by England v Samoa.
Two teams of heavy gargoyles slugging it out until the fulltime whistle reveals the final score...and then some rugby.

 

Q: "probably one of the most ancient things that, I think, has ever appeared on this programme".
Is it: (a) McWitch, (b) Muttley's scarf, (c) Charl-eh's Donkey Kong

A: It's actually a Foghorn Facial Sarcophagus, the Darlington Death Mask

 

The music at the start of the auction sounds like it's from a 1970s Schoolgirl Report film, but there again I wouldn't know anything about that. Oh no.

 

BBC approved preamble:
York
Bargain Hunt Series 47-49 (Shortened Versions)
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0007z3b
Eric Knowles is joined by experts Nick Hall and Jonathan Pratt for today’s Bargain Hunt, which comes from York. The reds and blues have the choice of two antique centres from which to buy three items to take to auction in Darlington.

The Translation:
Uncle Eric is skulking round York Castle Museum where he is hoping for Terry's Fairy Kisses. Terry has a cold sore so he'll have to settle for a Plaidster White Chocolate Cascade from Nick Hall and a Dark Chocolate Rim from the generally useless JP Pratt. Auction is in the antithesis of sophistication, grim Darlo with Bearded Gingernut David Doom&Gloom Elstob and his angramatic surname who's permanently on suicide watch. Darlington has that effect on people. NEW PHRASE ALERT: "Antiques and collecting synergy".

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Uncle Eric Sausage Chomper Knowles, he loves his meat
[Red Team Expert] Nick Plaid All Over Hall
[Blue Team Expert] Gently effeminate gaffe-prone Jonathan JP Pratt with his Tory boy fashion style, classic bully-fodder
[Auctioneer] David Darlo Downer Elstob
[Auction Location] Thomas Watson Auctioneers, Darlington
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)





The Teams:
[Red Team] Male and female friends from Leeds who make sweet music together, Humbug hair meets Bird-nest head.
Blue Team] Female friends who met at art class. Details are sketchy, still life goes on. One is currently Plod so guile and invention will be at a minimum.

The Shopping:
Reds: George III Birmingham silver knife (20) very well done, Three-pull telescope (45) topend, Victorian metal guitar brooch (25) got a chance.
Blues: Colourful basket (30) OK, Ruskin Ware vase (50) OK, Clarice Cliff bowl (50) OK.

The Distraction:
None. Short-arsed variant.

The Auction:
Reds: George III Birmingham silver knife (nice profit), Three-pull telescope (loss), Victorian metal guitar brooch (small loss).
Plaidy's BB is a 400 million-year-ol fossilised trilobite, known as a Hawley, it looks like a miniature fossilised pilot out of Alien, also known as a Hawley, (60), 30-50, 50, a bit of a gamble for an interesting object.



Blues: Colourful basket (small profit), Ruskin Ware vase (evens stevens), Clarice Cliff bowl (evens stevens).
Useless's BB is a Shelley porcelain jelly mould (10), surely a profit even for JP "a tenner is nothing", from someone used to frittering money away like confetti, 30-40, 20, "a tenner is nothing" profit.



The Aftermath:
Blues were very reluctant to haggle. A bit of a grim, soulless Auction, from a grim soulless location delivered by a grim soulless individual. Not as tight as Southsea or Serrell but still not great. At least the Plaidy Reds bought some interesting objects whereas the Conservative JP Blues bought a piece of glass and 3 pieces of china. As dull and lifeless as their expert. Blues win with a small profit but the moral victory goes to the Reds who made a small loss.



The Hi-Kick:
Conventional outdoor kick on uneven grass. Uncle Eric, Plaidy, and Red bloke do OK, The Blues and JP are so slow off the mark. Mediocre from those on the right. Figuratively and politically.

​

 

Talk about farking your chances up in sudden death grand overtime. Rugby League always has to add an extra adjective where none is needed. (Grand) Final, (Challenge) Cup Final. Talk about saving your worst game for the semi-final. I think they were complacent in the first half and expected to steam to a 20 point lead. Well done Samoa but your asses will be well and truly spanked by the Aussies in the Final. It's a shame as England v Australia would have had the makings of a cracking finale.

 

Ha! Jawohl!
Music by Gert Wilden.
I remember buying the swish Schulmadchen CD reissue (late 90s?) when Sleazy Listening became briefly hip.
The then-wife removed the illustrated booklet and 'lost' it.

 

arf!
...400 million-year-old fossilised trilobite, known as a Hawley...

 

Here we go. 1996.
Booklet pics included.
mildly nsfw...
https://www.discogs.com/release/388433-Gert-Wilden-Orchestra-Schulmädchen-Report/image/SW1hZ2U6NjY1NjUy

 

Yup and the companion CD from Uncle Jess' masterpiece:
https://www.discogs.com/master/5526...adelic-Dance-Party/image/SW1hZ2U6MjM0NzgxNTI=

 

ha! was going to post that too. bought it the same week. cracking film as well, if you like sexy halfdead brunettes sucking on each other.
and who wouldn't?
the feem toon of that must surely be the zenith of CineSleaze.

 

*rubs eyes in disbelief*
Sunday's BH was bordering on the efficient and successful.
Wfcmoog will be postponing his license fee boycott.

 

When did Andrew "Brillo" Neil start doing BH?

 

"20th century faux crocodile skin leather suitcase. Start me at £30 and make it snappy". A decent speed pun from Rapido Rick.

 

BBC approved preamble:
Lincolnshire
Bargain Hunt
Series 47-49 (Shortened Versions)
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000bsnp
Charlie Ross is at the helm as the hunt for bargains heads to Lincoln. Providing the reds and blues a helping hand are experts Raj Bisram and Kate Bliss, but which team will be on top after the auction in Grantham with auctioneer Colin Young?

The Translation:
There's short versions of BH and there are super shrunken stumpy austerity versions like this one, to fill a 25 minutes slot. Minimal pre-credits sequence with Charl-eh, that's shaved about a minute. No poshfoolery today. Zippo. There's no time for his head to spin or even his eyes to glaze over but there's still some nanoseconds to produce some groinal discolouration. For what it's worth, we're at the Lincolnshire Antiques & Home Show. The omnifool is joined by Dr Evil and Shrill Trills. Auction is with Rick Rapido which could be good but will most probably be bad and definitely ugly. Wah-wah-wah. Hello, we don't even get a pre-auction valuation segment. This is pared down to the bone.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Charlie The Tool, Fool Ross
[Red Team Expert] [Red Team Expert] Raj Dr Evil Bisram
[Blue Team Expert] Kate Shrilly Trilly Bliss
[Auctioneer] Colin Rapido Young, short-haired non-Rick Wakeman variant
[Auction Location] Golding Young & Mawer, Lincs
(Miserlin Rating: Approved)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Mum & Daughter
[Blue Team] Hammer-headed Dad & Mullet-headed Daughter

The Shopping:
Reds: Solitaire board with handmade marbles (20), Domed jewelley casket (32), 2 wooden skipware stepladders (38).
Blues: Asparagus dish (12), Faux crocodile skin suitcase (15), Silver stamp case (55).

The Distraction:
Not enough programme time to even thing about it.

The Auction:
Reds: Solitaire board with handmade marbles (small loss), Domed jewelley casket (small profit), 2 wooden skipware stepladders (decent profit).
Raj's BB is a set of 19th century cameos (25), 50, decent profit. Good find Mr. Bisram.



Blues: Asparagus dish (nice profit), Faux crocodile skin suitcase (small profit), Silver stamp case (evens stevens). No GG.
Trilly's BB is an old Huntley & Palmers novelty set of books biscuit tin (38), 65, a Trilly Triumph.



The Aftermath:
No waste today, even the BBs are squeezed in with the roundup of the items. A strangely soulless experience. Blink and it was over. The strange wheezing noises coming from the Blues during the Auction made you wonder whether a defibrillator was on-hand. They were a gnat's chuff away from a Golden Gavel, probably just as well as I don't think the Angina twins could withstand it. A close contest, both make profit, but it's the Blues that sneak it. They spontaneously combust.



The Hi-Kick:
Convention indoor kick. Charl-eh's up with the lark with a full early morning glory head kick. Everyone else hits bar with Red Daughter giving a spectacular head kick. Yes, YES!!

​