1. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    Tut. The filter doesn't like barstool.
     
  2. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Academy Graduate

    Diss twinned with Datt.:D
     
  3. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    Did the two mass produced dogs go for more than the big spend dog in the end? They looked like ****.
     
  4. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Academy Graduate

    I mustn't spoil Reg's imminent report but let's just say that, judging by mincer JP's display this lunchtime and last week, we could well be in unprecedented Hell Freezes Over territory.
    It's no coincidence that Russia is mobilising today.
    Putin must be a BH fan too.
     
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  5. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    BBC approved preamble:
    Newark 17
    Bargain HuntSeries 58
    https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000thr9
    In Newark in Nottinghamshire, Charlie Ross leads the proceedings alongside experts Nick Hall and Jonathan Pratt. The reds and blues try to bag some bargains to take to auction and hopefully make a profit. Charlie also gets the lowdown on the popular collectable area of police memorabilia.

    The Translation:
    Where's the posh idiot today? At Newark Antiques and Collectables Fair in Nottinghamshire, one of the largest in Europe. Largest what? One of the Largest Tat Recycling Centres for the seduction of the gullible. Soho has it's cheap clip joints with its's extortionate illegible drinks menu, overpriced champagne for the in-house escort, watered down lager, and the show that never emerges. BH is the antiques field equivalent. You have Madam Charl-eh with his foot on a chair and a promise of a good time, directing you towards all the faux bargains. Careful now, he may have been at the brandy, strictly for medicinal purposes, so make sure his eyes aren't glazed over as this is a sure sign that his head will spin followed by him chundering down your front, to produce another item for the Foghorn Hawley collection. Next, there's the enforcer Plaidy Hall, who will break your legs if you don't spend the 300 pounds (and more as the contestants are frog-marched to the cash machines later) on some heavily overpriced skipware. Then there's JP, the lady who you have to keep sated with eye-wateringly priced champagne for him to come and sit with you, with the vague promise of personal services, such as French Polishing a shiny-tipped mahogany cane or a knee-trembler round the back by the bins. Finally, the place is raided and the items flogged off by dodgy Vice Squad Chief Crumpled James Lewis, who looks like he has spent the night drinking cheap cider before collapsing in a p1ss-soaked phone box.

    The Staff:
    [Gaffer] Omnifool Charl-eh Ross
    [Red Team Expert] Nick Plaid all Over Hall
    [Blue Team Expert] Gently effeminate gaffe-prone Jonathan JP Pratt with his Tory boy fashion style, classic bully-fodder
    [Auctioneer] Crumpled James Lewis
    [Auction Location] Bamfords, Derbyshire
    (Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)

    Start.jpg

    The Teams:
    [Red Team] Retired married couple. They proclaim that there is going to be some fun. Probably not then.
    (Challenge: Comes in a pair)
    [Blue Team] Retired married couple, he's former Plod who is now a car park attendant at Leicester City. Do you know him @Filbert?
    (Challenge: Dogs)

    The Shopping:
    Reds: Pair of trench art vases (39 Challenge) fine, he likes them, Victorian wooden sewing table (84) another he likes, it has a chance, Arts & Crafts Fire Guard (64) a little tight according to Charl-eh.
    Blues: French Spaniel mounted on alabaster (28 Challenge) fine, Silver filigree purse (130) bit pricey, Silver hipped shaped cigarette case (30) fine.

    The Distraction:
    Hello, hello, hello, Charl-eh finds some Plod memorabilia that has been confiscated from Soho over the years. After quickly thumbing through some old photos, he finds a picture of his younger self in a compromising situation with his truncheon out prior to his head spinning and eyes glazing over. Not to worry a few hundred quid to the Plod Benevolent Fund secures a transfer into his possession. Not to worry the negatives are still held in a secure desk drawer in the Black Museum for future extortion. Plaidy has former Plod in his family and shows Charl-eh his gleaming whistle.

    Distraction.jpeg

    The Auction:
    Reds: Pair of trench art vases (profit), Victorian wooden sewing table (loss), Arts & Crafts Fire Guard (loss).
    Plaidy's BB are a couple of silver cream jugs (110), REJECTED, 60-100, maybe, it's a bit of a tight auction, 75. A Dud for Plaidy, an off day, as he's normally spot on.

    TreanchArt.jpeg CreamJugs.jpeg

    Blues: French Spaniel mounted on alabaster (2 quid profit), Silver filigree purse (loss), Silver hipped shaped cigarette case (decent profit).
    JP's BB is a Victorian cast-iron dog doorstop (50), Crumpled loves it, 40-60, Lordy it makes a ton. Who would have thought.

    SilverPurse.jpeg DogDoorstop.jpeg

    The Aftermath:
    Mediocre Auction today with posh-voiced Lewis with his Boris Johnson hair-styled crumpled waistcoat. A role reversal on the BBs today, with the normally reliable Plaidman picking a Dud and the unreliable JP plucking out a winner like the winning School Fete Tombola ticket for the bottle of whisky.

    RedLoss.jpeg BlueWin.jpeg

    The Hi-Kick:
    Covid indoor diagonal. Not the best angle. Par achieved by everyone, reasonable coordination. JP at the back gives us another big one. Today has embolded him.

    HiKick.jpeg
     
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  6. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    The mass produced Dachies from yesterday, went for 90 with 70 profit? JP's doorstop woofer went for a ton but made less profit (50). There were other mass produced dog items today. The only other one that was bought made a 2 quid profit. Would a joke plastic turd still count as a dog related item?

    [​IMG]

    While we are on the subject of dogs:
    [​IMG]
     
  7. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    I always write up without reading the comments so as not to prejudice my ramblings.
     
  8. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    I was actually referring to the fancy dog from yesterday

    I haven't watched todays. Yet.
     
  9. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Academy Graduate

    :) Like a high court judge going into non-prejudicial purdah... before donning the black cap.
     
  10. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Academy Graduate

    p.s. great description of James Lewis. Sounds like the makings of an ITV3 afternoon drama character.
     
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  11. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    Ah. Apologies.

    That's consecutive episodes where the Blue Team challenge has been buy something dog related. Don't think that's happened before, the same Challenge in 2 adjacent episodes.
     
  12. Filbert

    Filbert Leicester supporting bloke

    @reg_varney I don’t recognise him but I’ll keep an eye out in future and hopefully be able to record a brief interview about his experience for you.

    I actually caught a bit of BH on Tuesday. Shocking purchases, although there did only seem to be two people in the auction room.
     
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  13. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    @wfcmoog It's your favourite prog-rock waist-coated Auctioneer on today, Pikeyborough's Parsimonious Penny Pincher, Pessimistic Palmer on his Auction Narrowboat.
     
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  14. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    LOL, auction even worse than predicted. Unmissable.
     
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  15. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Academy Graduate

    Yes, what a classic of catastrophism!
    Looking forward to today's write-up.
    As Hanson did his outrageous hammy bit at the end, my viewing partner actually turned to me and said "jeez, imagine what Reg must be thinking..." :D

    Btw what a smoothie that Proggy Palmer chap is, with his seductive tones, knowing asides, and general postmodern distancing. Nice line today about depths and plummeting.

    Shame his auctions are so sh*te.
     
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  16. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    BBC approved preamble:
    Peterborough 11
    Bargain HuntSeries 58
    https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000vc2d
    Join Natasha Raskin Sharp for today’s Bargain Hunt in Peterborough. With the expert help of Charles Hanson and David Harper the Reds and the Blues have the usual one hour in which to buy three items to take to auction with the aim of making the biggest profit. Natasha also heads off to an historic pub in Peterborough to learn about the national inventory of historic pub interiors with expert Mick Slaughter.

    The Translation:
    Well, it's back to a rain-sodden Pikeyborough Festival of Refuse with a Noah-inspired downpour to wash away the detritus. What can be said about Pee-boro that hasn't been said before? What spin can be applied to try and give it a positive impression. Last time this was achieved by ignoring it and talking about Cambridge instead. So I'm slightly intrigued to see how they are going to polish this particular turd. It's a pub that could be anywhere in the country. Could it be an infamous Posh Flatroof Fighting Pub. Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp, today's School Maam, is joined by naughty schoolboys, Charles Hanson wearing the regulation Dreamblazer and DayGlo Dave, the Middlesbrough Montelbano wearing his non-regulation trouser attire. Strict Natasha has very high standards when it comes to the trouser department. Don't get your hopes up for a high octane episode as the Auction will be held with Psychedelic Jerkin-robed Archbishop Palmer the Prelate of the High Church of Pessimism in his Diocese of Insolvency.

    The Staff:
    [Gaffer] Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp and her mighty rulebook
    [Red Team Expert] Charles Madness, madness, they call it madness Hanson
    [Blue Team Expert] DayGlo David Harper, the Teeside Trouserer of Tat
    [Auctioneer] David Harry Palmer, Pessimist of Peterborough
    [Auction Location] Finbarrs Auctioneers Fnarr fnarr, Peterborough
    (Miserlin Rating: Was Approved now upgraded to One-Star)

    Start.jpeg Auction.jpeg

    The Teams:
    [Red Team] Married couple, car salesman and nurse. He's very tight, she has some gel for that, should fit in well.
    (Challenge: Art Nouveau)
    [Blue Team] Married Civil Engineer and Civil Engineer of Hair.
    (Challenge: Art Deco)

    The Shopping:
    Reds: WWII military canvas stretcher (32) OK but he dislikes, Art Noveau silver-collared decanter (78 Challenge) he dislikes, natch, Blue gemstone, Lapis lazuli box (50) likes but underestimates again.
    Blues: Mid-century toddler swing (12) OK but doesn't like it , Art Deco wooden armchair and stool (30 Challenge) underestimated, 19th Century lamp (90) 30-50, it's damaged in transit so guarantee a minimum 50 pound sale.

    The Distraction:
    Strict Natasha visits some local pubs and meets CAMRA person Mick Slaughter, originator of the saying 'Let's Get Slaughtered'. Also, founder of punk rock band Slaughter and the Dogs. Strict Natasha enjoys the very Scottish pastime of excessive drinking and as she is a Glasgow Southside girl, she loves to get muntingly paralytic. The production team looks on in trepidation.

    Distraction.jpeg

    The Auction:
    Reds: WWII military canvas stretcher (loss), Art Noveau silver-collared decanter (loss), Blue gemstone, Lapis lazuli box (loss).
    Hanson's BB is a 1779 Sheffield silver bon-bon dish (140), LOL, here with Pessimistic Palmer they won't get that, ILLEGAL, the hallmarks (very rubbed) don't match the style, so it's classed as white metal, 30-50. LOL, 20, a super Hanson Dud.

    BlueBox.jpeg BonBonDish.jpeg

    Blues: Mid-century toddler swing (2 quid loss LOL), Art Deco wooden armchair and stool (loss LOL), 19th Century lamp (90), Guaranteed 50, still makes a loss. LOL. Awful Auction. The worst.
    DayGlo's BB is a 11 ft tall tribal art pole (90), LOL nothing to lose, 40-60, not a totem pole, what a mess, 25

    Lamp.jpeg TribalArt.jpeg

    The Aftermath:
    Super Folly Tatilistic Hanson Is Atrocious !!! The Auction was the mother of all catastrophes as predicted. The Somme of Auctions. A Massacre. Probably the worst ever. He doesn't bother to work the severely tightfisted Audience. Pessimistic Palmer, Pope of the come and get me underestimate. Trouble is, the skinflinting audience isn't coming for it. Their easterly webbed hands make the opening of wallets difficult. Both teams made 3 figure losses. LOL. Hanson and Harper produce two stinkers. An illegal Chinese silver knock-off and a piece of art too big to show in person on the show. Luckily, both sets of contestants see the funny side of proceedings.

    RedLoss.jpeg BlueLoss.jpeg

    The Hi-Kick:
    Indoor Covid diagonal Hi-Kick. Awkward angle to film but it does look like everyone achieved at least 90 deg par. Good stuff.

    HiKick.jpeg
     
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2022 at 2:03 PM
    Diamond likes this.
  17. Diamond

    Diamond First Team

    Liked for the use of "muntingly paralytic". Top work as always.
     
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  18. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    What an atrocious episode.

    Worst auction in the country. Absolute miserly bidders, smashed lantern, terrible weather, record losses. Utter shambles. Not recommended.
     
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2022 at 10:38 PM
  19. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    I really like Roo as a host. She's very good.
     
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  20. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Academy Graduate

    == " What an atrocious episode"

    But amusing.

    btw, Dave, the Middlesbrough Montelbano, is also known as 'Turtlehead' in this house, for what I trust are obvious reasons. I was thus delighted to see he was wearing a turtleneck yesterday...he's either very self-aware, or its total opposite.

    p.s...Reg rightly points out Palmer is very proggy, as is Colin Young when he's in his Rik Wakeman mode. We only need one more to complete a classic early70s-style prog BH threesome. *cough* they could be called 'Yes? Yes!' *cough*
    Shall I get my coat? (Or should that be cape?)
     
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2022 at 12:50 PM
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  21. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Academy Graduate

    wfcmoog is so right; Roo is lovely. I wish she'd stop saying 'pound' instead of 'pounds' though.

    I realise scots don't like spending more than one, but still.
     
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  22. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    That penguin!

    But absolute bants from Eberneezer Wakeman 'never has so little been bid by so many.' Top notch gavelling
     
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  23. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    Rick really wrung every drop out of his online misers today.
     
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  24. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Academy Graduate

    Didn't he just!
    Desperately harassing online lurkers towards the end.
    'I can see you flashing!' he shouted at the screen at one point.
    Not the first time he's said that on the Net, I suspect.
     
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  25. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    Yet, so bad it was good
     
  26. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    "A Copenhagen pottery model.
    It's 11 centimetres long.
    We're not even a pound a centimetre!"

    LOL
     
  27. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    BBC approved preamble:
    Southwell 4
    Bargain HuntSeries 62
    https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001c9sg
    Roo Irvine and the teams visit Southwell Racecourse with experts Izzie Balmer and Nick Hall. Roo takes a look at some extremely rare and valuable watches at the Usher Gallery in Lincoln.

    The Translation:
    It's a fresh BH from Southwell/Southall Racecourse. It's the end of the week with the ever delightful Roo Irvine as our Friday Crunchie treat, joined by Fish on Friday Bready Plaidy Plaice with an accompaniment of Dizzy Izzie Mushy Peas, who this time is dressed like an extra from Doctor Zhivago. Ready with the Rennies for the Auction of impending indigestion is Rick Wakeman in his very Fishy indeed Showroom at Lincs Penny Pinchers, home of the Pork Pie estimate and the indigenous Lincs Miser Moth primed and ready to emerge from their Wallet cocoons made from the finest flint of skin.

    The Staff:
    [Gaffer] Delightful Roo Irvine, full of Eastern Promise
    [Red Team Expert] Dizzy Izzie Barmy Balmer
    [Blue Team Expert] Nick Plaid All Over Hall
    [Auctioneer] Colin Rapido Young, Rick Wakeman variant
    [Auction Location] Golding Young & Mawer, Lincs
    (Miserlin Rating: Approved)

    Start.jpeg Auction.jpeg

    The Teams:
    [Red Team] Daughter & Mother-in-Law, arch-prattlers
    (Challenge: Avian connection)
    [Blue Team] Married couple, he's a quality advisor, as Frankie Boyle would say, "how more worthless can you be"
    (Challenge: Feline connection)

    The Shopping:
    Reds: Royal Crown Derby Penguin paperweight (52 Challenge) OK, Collection of Delphis Poole pottery (80) overspent, Chrome-plated Spitfire paperweight (53) fine.
    Blues: Royal Copenhagen pottery cat (22 Challenge) good, Plaidy says they are going to smash this, hopefully not the pottery, Travelling wooden Vanity box (90) might get there, Carved hardstone Chinese teapot (55) struggle.

    The Distraction:
    The delightful Roo takes a look at some extremely rare and valuable watches and other items at the Usher Gallery in Lincoln, full of ice-cream concession trays, torches, and watches for pointing at and telling cinema goers that they are too late and the auditorium doors are closed. Hopefully, the seats here are not too stained. As has often been noted on here, Roo herself is a great watch and a very pleasant strain for any dodgy tickers in the room.

    Distraction.jpeg

    The Auction:
    Reds: Royal Crown Derby Penguin paperweight (excellent profit), Collection of Delphis Poole pottery (big loss), Chrome-plated Spitfire paperweight (loss).
    Dizzie's BB is a Silver horse's head pin cushion (10), 20-40 an offer you can't refuse, will it sleep with the fishes, no, 28. Good buy Dizzie.

    PoolePottery.jpeg PinCushion.jpeg

    Blues: Royal Copenhagen pottery cat (loss), Plaidy says they are going to smash this, hopefully not the pottery, Travelling wooden Vanity box (largish loss), Carved hardstone Chinese teapot (small loss).
    Plaidy's BB is the earlier seen Lincoln Imp door knocker (9), 10-30, 20, decent profit. Plaidy's reputation successfully defended.

    VanityBox.jpeg ImpDoorKnocker.jpeg

    The Aftermath:
    After yesterday's catastrophe I was hoping for a more serene occasion presided over by the heart cockle warming Roo. Small loss for the Reds, undone by some overpriced Poole pottery. Blues undone by a very stingy audience. Ebeneezer Steptoe would be cackling with delight at his purchases to hoard under the bed. Special mention in Dispatches goes to Rick Wakeman who desperately tried to extract every Shekel out of the bidders:

    "A Copenhagen pottery model.
    It's 11 centimetres long.
    We're not even a pound a centimetre!"

    Amongst the highlights.

    RedLoss.jpeg BlueLoss.jpeg

    The Hi-Kick:
    "Do you want a thrilling experience?", finishes Roo. Yes please. Meanwhile we have an indoor Covid diagonal special. It's far too gentile.

    HiKick.jpeg
     
    OldTraff78 likes this.
  28. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Academy Graduate

    Snigger!
    "Do you want a thrilling, exciting experience?" etc etc.
    Blimus! She was laying it on a bit thick, wasn't she? I was half-expecting her to continue "...then call 0898...."
    As Reg says, some of us have to watch our tickers.
     
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2022 at 2:26 PM
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  29. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    Get the three younger girls, Roo, Dizzie, and Strict Natasha, get Hanson to manage them, and Hey Presto:

    Rock Follies

    RockFollies.jpg
     
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  30. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Academy Graduate

    or
    'Yes?Yes!'
    present epic double album of materialist woe set in 1973
    'Sales of Tatotastic Notions'

    upload_2022-9-23_15-53-5.png
     
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  31. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Academy Graduate

    and those two foregrounded fish look they have already been BH exhibits. framed in faux-victorian bronzage and bought by the idiot Hanson for two ton.
     
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  32. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Academy Graduate

    Shortened prog today, but it's a rare Saturday bonus, I suppose.
    Will Reg judge its diminised status deserving of review?
    Fingers crossed.
     
  33. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Academy Graduate

    Spooky.
    The very day after we were reimagining BH as 1970s cultural products, today's show starts with...well, let's leave that to Reg.:cool:
     
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  34. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    Missed it today. Is it worth a catch on Iplayer?
     
  35. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Academy Graduate

    Tremendous opening sequence, and an infamous expert produces a sensational result (for him, anyway).

    Perhaps Reg will have something to say.
     
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