Bargain Hunt

Wednesday's report disappeared into the ether. I hope it comes back. The world needs to know about Charl-eh's silk crotchless drawers.

 

BBC approved preamble:
Southwell 3
Bargain HuntSeries 62
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001b81t
Roo Irvine and the teams search for antiques at Southwell Racecourse, with experts Izzie Balmer and Nick Hall lending a hand. Roo learns about wartime surgeons at the National Civil War Centre.

The Translation:
We're back at Southwell/Southall Racecourse for another BH Friday Tat Take-away. Showing off today's tasty menu will be the Roo Irvine, full of Eastern promise with starter you've never tried before, Dizzy Izzie, probably dressed like someone who's been rolling around in the spice mix, and Mystery Meat in foil tray, Plaidy Nick Hall. The Auction will be with Rick Wakeman, the Bombay Duck bought in a rush that nobody wants, at his Lincs PennyPinchers, not known for its generosity. NEW TERM used: punchy prices.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Delightful Roo Irvine
[Red Team Expert] Dizzy Izzie Barmy Balmer
[Blue Team Expert] Nick Plaid All Over Hall
[Auctioneer] Colin Rapido Young, Rick Wakeman variant
[Auction Location] Golding Young & Mawer, Lincs
(Miserlin Rating: Approved)

The Teams:
[Red Team] Married Retired Same Sex Females (Box ticked), they look like scary twins
(Challenge: Designed to make a noise)
[Blue Team] Married mixed sex couple (Box unticked), BAME wife (Box ticked)
(Challenge: Features a face)



The Shopping:
Reds: Victorian silver sovereign case (75) might struggle, Art Deco gong and candelabra (89 Challenge) struggle, Leather Hippo (60) OK.
Blues: Vintage folding Camera (32) might struggle, Trench Art shell case (75 Challenge) struggle, Georgian silver cream jug (65) OK.

The Distraction:
National Civil War Centre in Newark and Wartime surgeons. Probably a good idea not to eat your lunch during this bit. Barber surgeons. Anything else sir. Yes, just take a bit more of my arms and legs. Something for the weekend. Yes, remove that too.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Victorian silver sovereign case (loss), Art Deco gong and candelabra (loss), Leather Hippo (small loss).
Dizzy's BB is a Silver bottle opener (10), 25-40, Bargain, but this is PennyPinchers, let's see, 16, small profit. Prising the extra pounds out of Scrooge's tight fists. Decent buy Dizzie.



Blues: Vintage folding Camera (loss), Trench Art shell case (big loss), Georgian silver cream jug (evens stevens)
Plaidy's BB is an automaton novelty clock (50), 50-80, gawd knows what will happen, 60, a tenner profit, feels like a ton profit. Well done Plaidy, another decent item.



The Aftermath:
Yup, welcome to Rick Wakeman's Lincs PennyPinchers. Awful auction. What a bunch of Skinflints. It's easier to squeeze blood out of a turnip.



The Hi-Kick:
Indoor diagonal Hi-Kick. Everyone near enough to level except Red woman with a stick, which is no excuse not to do a head kick, tut-tut.

​

 

Re-up
BBC approved preamble:
Newark 14
Bargain HuntSeries 57
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000q604
Charlie Ross and experts Caroline Hawley and David Harper are in Notttinghamshire, where Charlie finds out about an everyday object most of us take for granted. The reds and blues try to make a profit at the Newark Antiques Fair.

The Translation:
It's Charl-eh and crew at the bizarre tat bazaar, disrupting the regular fair going experience for the punters at the International Antiques Collectors Fair in Newark Notts. He'll need his ear protectors and dark shades as joing him will be Foghorn Megaphone Hawley sporting her psychedelic outfit from the dog's dinner range and Dayglo Dave wearing his pirate pants. Auction could be a Camberwick Green style reveal. The tension is unbearable. It's with Crumpled James Lewis, the hobo with a hammer, who has either spent the night in his car or next to some bins in Derbys.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Omnifool Charlie Ross
[Red Team Expert] Caroline Hawley with her exclusive Scottish Huey and Ralph collection (see Billy Connolly below)

[Blue Team Expert] Dayglo David Harper, the 'Boro' Bano
[Auctioneer] Crumpled James Lewis
[Auction Location] Bamfords , Derbyshire
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Mixed sex BAME (Box Ticked) partners, he's an aerospace engineer.
(Challenge: Wear on wrist or hands)
[Blue Team] Mixed sex partners, she's a beauty salon director, he knows his antiques.
(Challenge: Look through)

The Shopping:
Reds: Silver-topped smelling salts bottle (35) good price, Silver finger purse (50 Challenge) fine, Leather luggage case (140), overpaid.
Blues: Pair of bronze horses (50) fine, French glass chandelier (100 Challenge) overpaid, Industrial Victorian scales (90) overpaid.

The Distraction:
Charlie asks questions about how many buttons the ladies are wearing. Next he asks what colour underwear they have on. He confesses that he's wearing crotchless silk drawers. He demonstrates how roomy it is downstairs by dropping his trousers and asking them if they like stinky cheese. It's at this point PC Plod intervenes.

​

The Auction:
The Shopping:
Reds: Silver-topped smelling salts bottle (largish profit), Silver finger purse (largish profit) GG, probably not, Leather luggage case (big progit), bloody hell, a massive profit and a Golden Gavel.
Headache's BB is a silver vinaigrette with original sponge (75), 50-70, 90, a decent profit. She sticks to silver and usually comes up trumps.

​

Blues: Pair of bronze horses (large profit), French glass chandelier (largish loss), Industrial Victorian scales (small loss).
Dayglo's BB is an African-inspired wooden stool (40), 40-60, should be a profit, 50, a tenner made, good buy Dayglo.



The Aftermath:
The chandelier was the Blues downfall. A heart rather than a head buy. The Blue bloke new his antique facts and figures. Hawley had a good day for once. She's usually in her comfort zone with silver objects and 3 out of the 4 items were those. However, that Leather case surprised everybody and made a huge profit and sealed a Golden Gavel



The Hi-Kick:
Outdoor Covid diagonal on grass. Decent all-round effort if slightly uncoordinated.

​

 

Brackley
Bargain HuntSeries 49-52 (Extended Versions) Episode 5 of 15
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000h5kf
The teams are searching for antiques in Brackley, Northamptonshire, with Natasha Raskin Sharp leading the way. Charles Hanson finds himself up against the clock when his team are happy to take it all in their stride, and Danny Sebastian keeps the reds on track. Natasha finds out more about life at Combe Mill in the days when it provided the maintenance for Blenheim Palace Estate.

The Translation:
It's more double bubble BH with a 60 minute double header from Brackley, Northamptonshire where we join Strict Natasha, Hyperactive Hanson and The Squeak at an indoor tat bazaar. On Auvtioneering duties are google-eyed playground loiterer and sweet dispenserer, the man with very deep pockets and loose buttons, Mark Ashley, in his secure Auction house in Stratford-upon-Avon.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp and her rule book.
[Red Team Expert] Charles Amazing Technicolour Dreamblazer Hanson
[Blue Team Expert] Squeak squeak squeak Sebastian avec chapeau stupide et gilet shabbie
[Auctioneer] Mark Ashley, lurking at the playground fence near the wooded glade
[Auction Location] Bigwood Fine Art Auctioneers, Stratford-upon-Avon
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)

​

The Teams 1:
Reds: Married couple who met through Plod.
Blues: Married couple, he was in RAF, she was in Civil Service.

The Shopping 1:
Reds: Necessaire sweing kit (10) Bargain, Rattle Teether (35) Good, Silver Masonic vesta case (65), Struggle.
Blues: Moorcroft trinket box (40) damaged, but OK, Art Deco figure (28) OK, Pair of brass scales (20) OK.

The Auction 1:
Reds: Necessaire sweing kit (profit), Rattle Teether (loss), Silver Masonic Vesta case (loss),
The Squeak's BB is real piece of rubbish, Gaunt clay bust (100) LOL, saw him coming a mile off, 40-60, 25, LOL, it's awful, pure Squeak landfill. Trully, trully dreadful.

​

Blues: Moorcroft trinket box (profit), Art Deco figure (2 note profit), Pair of brass scales (small profit). Golden Gavel.
Hanson's BB is a Framed Marriage Banner, he spent all of the money, sh1te or bust time, (212) they reject it, 100-150, LOL, is it a Hanson Folly special, 200, almost but still a loss.

​

The Aftermath 1:
Nice clunking Squeak loss and a Hanson inspired Golden Gavel. However, his BB was a potential folly and the Blues rightly rejected it.



The Hi-Kick:
Not shown. Booooooooooooo.

The Distraction:
Combe Mill in the days when it provided the maintenance for Blenheim Palace Estate. Natasha gets hot and sweaty with a stiff object with a colourful end. She bashes it with a hammer until it conforms.

​

The Teams 2:
[Red Team] Married couple from Bournemouth.
[Blue Team] Married couple, married for over 50 years.

The Shopping 2:
Reds: Retro footstool (9) Fine, Luggage trunk (45) Squeaky tat, struggle, 1960s chair (40) struggle.
Blues: Silver cream jug (60) might struggle, Treen picture (38) might struggle, Victorian silver desk calendar (59) it's knackered, struggle.

The Auction 2:
Reds: Retro footstool (nice profit), Luggage trunk (loss), 1960s chair (evens stevens).
Squeaks BB's is the purest of pure skipware. a Squeak special, 7 wooden storage trays 1950'sssssqueak (20), 20-30, 100 notes. Dear oh dear, a fool and their money. The Squeak proves that a stopped clock gives the right time twice a day. Red Bloke looks to hug/grope Strict Natasha, "Oh Natasha!!" she pretends not to have seen him.
Blues: Silver cream jug (loss), Treen picture (loss), Victorian silver desk calendar (loss). Nice one Charles.
Hanson's BB is an old heavy Victorian book press (143) LOL, blew the budget, LOL, 50-70, LOL, 110, another loss. A Grand Slam.

​

The Aftermath 2:
Well roles have been reversed. Dan Squeak's tat made a decent profit while Charles refined overpriced items made clunking losses. LOL.



The Hi-Kick 2:
Standard indoor kick. Blues struggle to shake a leg and Squeaky's clothes are too tight. Everyone else is fine.

​

 

BBC approved preamble:
Shrewsbury 23
Bargain HuntSeries 62
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001bf5p
Caroline Hawley and the teams shop for antiques in Shrewsbury with experts Thomas Forrester and Mark Stacey. Each team must buy three items to take to auction in Lichfield. Caroline heads to the Jackfield Tile Museum and has a go at making her own decorative tile.

The Translation:
Ying and Yang time with Penny Dreadful, Foghorn Forlorn, Hammerhead Hawley as non-angelic host but it does at least mean we'll have a decent Auction with Emperor Dalek Winterton at the Skaro Showrooms. As it's Shrewsbury in this latest Series she'll probably be dressed as Austin Powers after he's chundered down himself after a heavy night. Joining the Tramps Bizarre in the Shorpshire Ghetto will be SAS Tubby Thomas, the useless Auctioneer, and Sarky Marky sleepwalking through yet another episode, however, he does enjoy a pansy.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Caroline Hawley with her exclusive Scottish Huey and Ralph collection

[Red Team Expert] Tubby Thomas Forrester, the plump schoolboy
[Blue Team Expert] Sarky Marky Stacey, the sleazy, slurry somnambulist
[Auctioneer] Richard Emperor Dalek Winterton
[Auction Location] Skaro aka Lichfield
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Retired married couple. They keep chickens and pick any old rubbish up. She's into rodents.
(Challenge: Includes fabric)
[Blue Team] Mixed sex partners, she's a farmer.
(Challenge: Carved)

The Shopping:
Reds: Victorian leather bound desk blotter (50 Challenge) on trend bang on etc, Merrythought Ltd Edn Teddy Bear and box (50) OK, Silver chain mail purse (99) struggle.
Blues: Cast-iron pig feeder (45) profit profit profit, Boomerang (30 Challenge) half-a-chance, Art Nouveau silver and enamel bon bon dish (90), he loves it, it could well make a profit.

The Distraction:
Jackfield Tile Museum where after some grouting and trimming Hawley ends up with a new face with a personality to match an inanimate piece of ceramic.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Victorian leather bound desk blotter (profit) Hawley explodes, Merrythought Ltd Edn Teddy Bear and box (small profit), Silver chain mail purse (big loss).
Tubby's BB is a Danish silver and enamel geese brooch (60), 30-50, should be OK, 60, evens stevens. Nice object Tubby.



Blues: Cast-iron pig feeder (evens stevens), Boomerang (loss), Art Nouveau silver and enamel bon bon dish (good profit).
Sarky's BB is a Victorian pine box/trunk (20), 30-40, 25, small profit. That's OK Sarky.



The Aftermath:
Well it's a tale of two big spend items. The Reds chain mail silver purse tanked, as the Dalek predicted, while the risky silver enamel and bon bon dish started low but really flew. Hawley almost exploded in ecstasy when any item made any sort of profit, which must have had everyone reaching for their ear protectors.



The Hi-Kick:
Conventional indoor kick. Everyone, including Tubby and Sarky, hits 90 degrees. Since becoming a presenter, Hawley has now fully perfected her head kick growler.

​

 

BBC approved preamble:
Ardingly 22
Bargain HuntSeries 57
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000s52k
Ardingly in West Sussex is the location for today’s programme. Christina Trevanion is in charge, with experts Nick Hall and Ochuko Ojiri helping the red and blue teams as they each spend £300. Christina also looks at the history of East Grinstead pottery.

The Translation:
It's an Indiana Jones Theme today to start. Sex bombe Christina leads the expedition with Plaidy Hall, using his best Keir Starmer voice to placate the natives. He'll be able to trade his colourful Plaid fabrics for some priceless artefacts. Heading up the security detail will be Commando Chuko with his stick that goes boom, to fight off the Antique Nazis. The auction is with Marine Boy Cameron in his Pompey Peddle Palace. He will attempt to sell the Ark of the Covenant, and will get 20 pounds if he is lucky. Meanwhile, Christina finds the object of her desires. She expertly cups its golden head and the whole cavern shakes. Now, all we need is a giant boulder in the form of Muttley Serrell or Tubby Thomas to come rolling in.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Christina Trevanion, La crumpette
[Red Team Expert] Nick Plaid All Over Hall
[Blue Team Expert] Ochuko Commando Chuko Ojiri, commando on top, let's hope he's not commando below.
[Auctioneer] John Marine Boy Cameron
[Auction Location] Southsea, Pompey, Pompey, Southsea
(Miserlin Rating: One Star)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Husband and wife, manger and accountant, she ticks BBC box. Little and large show. They want an expert with expert knowledge.
(Challenge: Communication)
[Blue Team] Married mixed sex drama coach and teacher.
(Challenge: Transport)

The Shopping:
Reds: Vintage oak-cased wall phone telephone (95 Challenge) Struggle, Set of boxed silver Edwardian salt cellar (48) Has a chance, Folding Table (65) might be OK.
Blues: Vintage steamer trunk (100 Challenge) overspend alert, Tin children's globe (8) OK, Piano accordion (35) OK.

The Distraction:
Charles W Gordon, Commissioner of the Gotham City Police Department who for some reason thought the BatCave resided in East Grinstead. This is a total flight of fancy. It's the Joker who lives in East Grinstead and is fully supporting Liz Truss.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Vintage oak-cased wall phone telephone (biggish loss), Set of boxed silver Edwardian salt cellar (evens stevens), Folding Table (loss). Scrooge cackles.
Plaidster's BB is a rigged model boat (45), ideal for a rigged Auction, 80-120, Bargain alert, the police are called in as it's a steal, 80, solid profit. Excellent work Plaidy.

​

Blues: Vintage steamer trunk (big loss), Tin children's globe (2 squid profit), Piano accordion (loss).
Chuko's BB is a ship's anchor (29), 40-60, should be fine, 48. Nice profit. A nice buy Chuko.



The Aftermath:
Were back at the Pompey Dreadful Dutch Auctioneers. So no overall profit for the Reds or Blues. If it's not nautical then it will struggle. The experts knew this and bought wisely. The phone and steamer trunk were overspends but they sank without trace like huge lead weights, particularly the latter, at the Auction. Ebeneezer enjoys his new trunk. The Miser Moths flutter in triumph.



The Hi-Kick:
Indoor Covid diagonal. The Blues and Chuko at the far end either barely try or are significantly late. Wake up you dozy bunch.

​

 

BBC approved preamble:
Newark 18
Bargain HuntSeries 58
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000v4s0
Charlie Ross and the teams pay a visit to the Newark Antiques and Collectables Fair in Nottinghamshire, one of the largest in Europe. Nick Hall and Jonathan Pratt are today's experts. Charlie gets the lowdown on the resurgence of brown furniture, and the teams head to Derby for some auction action!

The Translation:
Charlie has the Night Fever, it must be the medication he's taking. He dons his disco garb and heads down to Newark Antiques and Collectables Fair in Notts where he teams up with Disco Inferno Plaidy and School Disco Infernal JP who strut their stuff with all the tat on display. The Auction is with Crumpled James Lewis, the hobo with a hammer, who has either spent the night in his car or in a Derbys field.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Omnifool Charl-eh Ross
[Red Team Expert] Nick Plaid all Over Hall
[Blue Team Expert] Gently effeminate Jonathan JP Pratt with his Tory boy fashion style, he'll be voting for Rishi
[Auctioneer] Crumpled James Lewis
[Auction Location] Bamfords, Derbyshire
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)

The Teams:
[Red Team] Mother & Son, he seems like a nice boy.
(Challenge: Men's fashion accessory, plaid no doubt)
[Blue Team] Married couple, he's retired, she's a Maths tutor.
(Challenge: Hand-decorated)

​

The Shopping:
Reds: Nest of 3 Edwardian mahogany occasional tables (65) might struggle, Pair of novelty silver elephant cufflinks (23 Challenge) yup Profit, Gerorge III 3-legged cricket table (180) overspent.
Blues: Modern Italian lead glass vase (40) fine, Victorian cheese dish (35 Challenge) awful LOL almost unsaleable LOL, Bronze bell with cast-iron anchor (130) overspent.

The Distraction:
It's brown furniture time for Charl-eh. Well it's his age. He's advised by crumpled James Lewis an expert in brown clothes, particularly after a night with the bins. Charl-eh sits down on a plain chair, his head spins, his eyes glaze over and his bowels evacuate. Bingo, a stained brown Windsor chair.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Nest of 3 Edwardian mahogany occasional tables (loss), Pair of novelty silver elephant cufflinks (nice profit), George III 3-legged cricket table (evens stevens).
Plaidy's BB is a 1930s Art Deco silver toast rack (25), 25-35, should be fine, he likes toast, by the size of him that's not surprising, 40, nice profit. Good item again Plaidy.



Blues: Modern Italian lead glass vase (small profit), Victorian cheese dish (loss) well it was grim, Bronze bell with cast-iron anchor (big loss) another dud Master Pratt.
JP's BB is a pair of pottery gardening theme figures (70) he confesses he overlooked some damage, 30-50, he's been stung like a Ponzi scheme victim, REJECTED, 35, a loss, you Tory fool JP.



The Aftermath:
Red's make a profit with the Plaidster's direction. JP's Blues made a largish loss. Definitely down to the experts and the items they had a hand in.



The Hi-Kick:
Indoor Covid diagonal kick. Reasonable effort. On the other hand, JP, after his disastrous (or should that be disas-truss) BB, is a man possessed with a massive kick in his suit, like he's had a massive thrashing. Luckily, Blue bloke's arm covers the blatant crotch shot. By the way Blue Bloke, you're indoors, take that hat off.

​

 

WTF?

 

You'll have to explain.

 

Chuko does his famous Blakey impersonation. "I 'ate you Butler".

 

BBC approved preamble:
Carmarthen 31
Bargain HuntSeries 53
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m00077hj
On today’s Bargain Hunt, Eric Knowles is getting close to nature at the National Botanic Garden of Wales in Carmarthen and discovering how the natural world has inspired art and antiques. The red and blue teams are on the hunt for some bargains with experts Ochuko Ojiri and Jonathan Pratt. Can they successfully complete Eric’s challenges and walk away from the Cardiff auction with a profit?

The Translation:
We're back to the National Botanic Garden of Wales in Carmarthen for some nature fun. It looks like it's a Bee theme today with Uncle Eric, quietly and efficiently organising his tat hive with worker bee Commando Chuko and gaffe-prone drone, JP Pratt, the Bumbling Bargain Bee. Honey extraction will be particularly difficult today as it's with Ben Misery Rogers Jones, he of the Dour-Jones index, at the Cardiff Misers Hive, part of the South Wales Hoarderers collective and their anthem Den of Shylock. Sweet profits will be in short supply.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Uncle Eric Knowles, steady Eddie
[Red Team Expert] Ochuko Commando Chuko Ojiri, commando on top, let's hope he's not commando below
[Blue Team Expert] Gently effeminate, gaffe prone Jonathan JP Pratt with his Tory boy fashion style
[Auctioneer] Ben Misery Rogers Jones, John Hartson's waxwork
[Auction Location] Rogers Jones & Co Fine Art Auctioneers, Cardiff
(Miserlin Rating: One Star)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Married couple who met on the internet. Oh yes, I see. No, she is not from Thailand or Eastern Europe.
(Challenge: Garden)
[Blue Team] Engaged same sex nice boy couple (Box ticked), one is a very camp dance instructor. Little dog owning, he can also do the splits. No stereotypes here BBC, oh no. JP is assigned to them too. LOL.
(Challenge: 19th Century lighting device)

The Shopping:
Reds: Corn sieve garden grower (33 Challenge) might be OK, Glass dessert set (10) OK, he's not that keen, Pair of 19th Century patten overshoes (106), very dour estimate, struggle and struggle again.
Blues: Pair of Miners hoof boots (85) dour estimate, not great, 1930s Silver and paste bracelet (70) very dour estimate, what a depressing bloke, Chester silver Vesta case (20 Challenge) OK, but not mad about it.

The Distraction:
Uncle Eric examines flora and fauna illustrated pottery. There's also a visit to Castell Coch Castle outside Cardiff. I'm sure we've been before with the monkeys in the bedroom.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Corn sieve garden grower (loss), Glass dessert set (nice profit), Pair of 19th Century patten overshoes (largish profit).
Chuko's BB is a French Bakelite fly brooch (40), REJECTED, oh it's not attractive and it's creepy, the black cloud descends, 10-15, sells for a fiver, Chuko is going to have his wrists slapped. Correct to reject.



Blues: Pair of Miners hoof boots (biggish loss), 1930s Silver and paste bracelet (loss), Chester silver Vesta case (biggish profit).
JPs BB is a pair of nested oak stools (50), Misery likes, shock, 30-40, maybe, 60, tenner profit. JP sets the world alight.



The Aftermath:
What a mixed bag with the Break Even Blues and profit winning Reds who wisely rejected Chuko's weird BB (it was mentioned in the programme that he was new, so from later episodes he's quickly learned from his mistakes). JP really is useless, fancy not realising that 1900 is still 19th Century. What useless Public School did he go to? Very, very dour, depressive Misery Rogers with the gavel, gloom and doom on the items, very undervalued. His personal black cloud is very evident.



The Hi-Kick:
Very cosy indoor kick. Happy camper Blue does the air splits with his lightning fast ultra-high kick. The 2 Reds barely get their legs off the ground. Like the Auction, a real mixed bag.

​

 

BBC approved preamble:
Newark 11
Bargain HuntSeries 62
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0019mnm
Natasha Raskin Sharp, experts Ben Cooper and Izzie Balmer and the teams go antique-hunting in Nottinghamshire, before heading to Derby for today’s auction. Natasha meets a former Bargain Hunt contestant with a world record collection of bagpipes, and she has a go herself.

The Translation:
What's Scotland famous for? Drunken Glaswegians roaming the streets of London shouting and having a fight with themselves? Jimmy Krankie themed swingers parties? Heroin? Or is it an object dressed in tartan full of wind, that drones and makes an irritating noise? But that's enough about Alex Salmond. Today for some reason it's back to the International Antiques Collectors Fair in Newark Notts, Strict Natasha continues the Scotland theme and she's joined by Carlos Wisper and Dizzie Izzie. Recently Dizzie has been dressing up like an extra from Doctor Zhivago. Next she'll be taking her fashion tips from faux-oligarch David Sullivan, one half of the Sullivan/Gold porno dwarf axis. Auction is with Whirlwind Wunderkind Charles Hanson.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp
[Red Team Expert] Ben Cooper, the Poundshop George Michael
[Blue Team Expert] Dizzie Izzie Barmy Balmer
[Auctioneer] Charles Hanson, The Phineas T Barnum of the Auction World
[Auction Location] Hanson Auction House, Derbys
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Teacher and handyman couple
(Challenge: Travel or exploration)
[Blue Team] Married aircraft inspector and retired bod.
(Challenge: Connection to the sea)

The Shopping:
Reds: Simpson and Lawrence oval porthole (100 Challenge) overspend, Royal QEII-themed cufflinks (15) might be OK, 1960s Formica-topped office desk (60) might struggle
Blues: Pair of boxed Edwardian silver cruet set (55) OK, Sailboat garden spinner (15 Challenge) he doesn't like it but it;s novel, should be OK, Edwardian silver card case (75) OK.

The Distraction:
Dreadful bagpipes are inflicted on us. The aural torture is overwhelming. Fill them up with up with petrol and watch them Burns. Strict Natasha makes sure the instrument meets the exact specifications. In the end she makes a right Haggis of playing them.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Simpson and Lawrence oval porthole (biggish loss), Royal QEII-themed cufflinks (1 pound profit), 1960s Formica-topped office desk (evens stevens).
Poundshop's BB is Georgian blue stone and pearl brooch (100), 30-40, Carlos likes overspending other people's money, 55, yup it's a big fat dud. You are useless Cooper.



Blues: Pair of boxed Edwardian silver cruet set (profit), Sailboat garden spinner (nice profit ), GG incoming?, Edwardian silver card case (profit), it's a Golden Gavel. Well done Blues.
Dizzie's BB is an early 20th century dog's head Vesta case (65), 20-30, but Charles has been underestimating today, let's see, 65, worth a punt.

​

The Aftermath:
Poundshop Carlos is such a useless expert, posh and lazy. Dizzie had a good day and guided her team well to a Golden Gavel and was a tad unlucky with her dog Vesta. Hanson was not quite his exuberant self, perhaps he had a night on the sauce.



The Hi-Kick:
Indoor Covid diagonal kick. As usual Strict Natasha is far too premature. The Camera angle isn't great so it's debatable if par has been reached or not.

​

 

Size difference. Husband and wife. How does that work in the bedroom?

 

Well, lying down helps. The wife is also allowed to be on top too.

 

BBC approved preamble:
Detling 20
Bargain HuntSeries 51 Episode 26 of 34
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0bt7g11
Bargain Hunt comes from the Kent County Showground in Detling. Charlie Ross presents, while experts Catherine Southon and Mark Stacey help the reds and blues spend £300 on three items which, fingers crossed, will make a profit at the auction. Charlie also pays a visit to the Historic Docks RNLI museum in Chatham.

The Translation:
We're at the International Collectors Fair/Kent County Showground/Fools Parade/South-East of England re-cycling centre in Detling for this RNLI themed episode with our lost at sea host, port-out starboard-home idiot Charl-eh Ross. Wearing the life jackets, if he can get one on, are Sarky Marky and Posh dull Catherine Truss, who will try and keep Charlie awake with her sparkling patter. It's too much for Charlie though, he's taken in too much dirty, salty liquid. His head spins, his eyes glaze over and he chunders down his old school tie. Time is of the essence as they need to get to the Auction with Dr Evil himself, Raj Bisram in nearby Cranbrook.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Omnifool Charlie Ross, even his drool is posh
[Red Team Expert] Catherine Southon, super posh, super dull, super useless
[Blue Team Expert] Sarky Marky Stacey, the sleazy, slurry somnambulist, he has been known to enjoy a pansy
[Auctioneer] Raj Dr Evil Bisram
[Auction Location] Bentley's Auction Rooms, Cranbrook
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Male friends (BBC box unticked), old school friends.
[Blue Team] Mother & Daughter (BBC box unticked), they love shopping, mother is usesless at growing veg, she is a medical student. Good girl.

The Shopping:
Reds: Fruit wood rattle (42) OK, Vintage leather carrying case (20) not bad, Late Victorian dentist's drill (75) could be OK.
Blues: Contemporary sculptural glass vase (10) Profit all day long, Old school blackboard and easel (35) good, Decorative elephant (13) another good buy.

The Distraction:
Historic Docks RNLI museum in Chatham and a huge collection of lifeboats. Actually very interesting. They remind us about the Blue Peter appeal funded lifeboats. We'll soon be needing Blue Peter Appeals again to help people get through the winter if it's a bad one.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Fruit wood rattle (small loss), Vintage leather carrying case (small profit), Late Victorian dentist's drill (largish loss).
Dully's BB is a Edwardian wooden paper clip (10), he loves it, 15-25, Bargain, 44, decent profit Dully.



Blues: Contemporary sculptural glass vase (profit), Old school blackboard and easel (evens stevens), Decorative elephant (small profit).
Sarky's BB is a silver-plated fish tail handle bowl (12), 20-40, should be a profit, 12, breaks even, hard lines Sarky.



The Aftermath:
Small profit for the Blues and a gnat's chuff away from a Golden Gavel. Small loss for the Reds with that awful dentist's drill being the culprit. Is it safe?



The Hi-Kick:
Standard indoor kick. Charlie's up early like a morning glory, closely followed by Blue girl, and everyone else is behind in an unsynchronised mess.

​

 

BBC approved preamble:
Belfast
Bargain HuntSeries 49-52 (Extended Versions) Episode 1 of 15
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000qgbn
Anita Manning is in charge of today’s Bargain Hunt, which comes from Ballinderry in Northern Ireland. The experts are Ben Cooper and Charles Hanson, who will be helping today’s teams spend £300 on three items that could make them a profit at auction. Anita also pays a visit to one of Belfast’s well-known water holes, the Crown Bar.

The Translation:
Double Belfast Bubble, where BH means a hat of the bowler variety, double orange, double sash and double down on any social liberalism. I've covered one half of the double-header before so to save time I'll heavily borrow from that episode. I'm not so keen on these double-episodes as you miss out on the ludicrous whimsy which gives the programme its appeal. So where are we? Oh yes, it's McWitch hot off the broomstick in her Sylvester McCoy's demented sister garb. Hoping to crack smiles in the city of intolerance will be useless Carlos Wispa, the Butlins George Michael Tribute Act, and Blazing Hanson, who's eternal optimism will be sorely tested. Yes, I do believe it's a solid silver Georgian kneecapper replete with emerald green enamelling that puts it's provenance as being from south of the border. Auction is at the H-block Auction rooms with Daaaaaniel Claaaarrrk who makes a Presbyterian minister seem like Norman Wisdom.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Anita McWith Manning, the Glaswegian Baba Yaga
[Red Team Expert] Useless Ben Cooper, the Poundshop George Michael
[Blue Team Expert] Charles Amazing Technicolour Dreamblazer Hanson
[Auctioneer] Daniel No Surrender Clark
[Auction Location] Ross's Auctioneers and Valuers, Belfast
(Miserlin Rating: Approved)

​

The Teams 1:
Reds: Husband and Wife, not living in SIN!!!!
Blues: Best mates (female), none of that, this is Ulster.

The Shopping 1:
Reds: Silver-plated hand-hammered cocktail shaker/jug (50) tight, Paris wooden metronome (45) maybe, Royal Doulton Lambeth Edwardian baccy jar (50) maybe.
Blues: Art Deco Shelley bowl (40) a chance, Bent-wood Eastern European wooden armchair (40) OK, Glass perfume jar (5) could well be a profit.

The Auction 1:
Reds: Silver-plated hand-hammered cocktail shaker/jug (good profit), Paris wooden metronome (small loss), Royal Dalton Lambeth Edwardian baccy jar (loss).
Charlie's BB are a pair of grenades, disguised as silver-plated barrels 80, (30-40), Hanson Folly?, 55, yep, another loss.
Blues: Art Deco Shelley bowl (small loss), Bent-wood Eastern European wooden armchair (evens stevens), Glass perfume jar (evens stevens).
George Pontinental's BB is a vintage improvised explosive device masquerading as solid silver photo frame 150, (60-80), overpriced from him as usual, 130, better than the estimate but another punt gone wrong, yup it's confirmed, he is officially useless.

​

The Aftermath 1:
Well in the Profit Wasteland that is Northern Ireland Auctioneering the only profit for these teams is with Hanson's Reds. However, whatever profit they made on the Arts&Crafts style cocktail shaker/jug was wiped out by Hanson's grenade folly. Then there's the Blue Team. A Grand Slam of losses led by Ben Dunce. Posh and useless.



The Hi-Kick:
Not shown. Booooooooooooo.

The Distraction:
The Distraction centres around the Crown Bar in Belfast, but what's this, it doesn't include the cracked mirror segment of the fully fledged episode so we have to make do with McWitch enchanting the Bar Manager before turning him into a Toad.

​

The Teams 2:
[Red Team] Good female friends, remember there is none of THAT in the province. One of them looks like she could beat up Tyson Fury.
[Blue Team] Sisters, no not Nuns.

The Shopping 2:
Reds: Japanese porcelain doll brush (15) profit all day long, Silver owl bookmark (38) touch and go, Gold and pearl bar brooch (70) might struggle.
Blues: Spode creamware plate (5) catalogue of defects but should be OK, Mahogany writing slope (65) on the cusp, Lalique glass Grouse pin tray (120) overspent.

The Auction 2:
Reds: Japanese porcelain doll brush (nice profit), Silver owl bookmark (2 squid profit), Gold and pearl bar brooch (loss).
Hanson's BB is a Royal Crown Derby vase (130), choke, splutter, LOL, 80-100, snigger, 80, oh dear another follytastic loss.
Blues: Spode creamware plate (3 squid profit), Mahogany writing slope (small profit), Lalique glass Grouse pin tray (largish loss).
Wispa's BB is a Dublin silver sugar tongs (40), 20-30, snigger, 40, evens stevens. Well at least it's not a loss.

​

The Aftermath 2:
Both teams make 2 profits then a stonking loss. Charles Hanson on follyticious form today making 2 clunking losses on his BBs. Cooper is just useless and adds no value to being on the programme.



The Hi-Kick 2:
Standard indoor kick. McWitch doesn't bother, as usual, Charles does a sort of roundhouse kick, Cooper produces a useless kick. In fact, it's a bit of a hotchpotch mess.

​

 

BBC approved preamble:
Huntingdon 6
Bargain HuntSeries 62
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001bmgr
Eric Knowles and the teams hunt for antiques in Cambridgeshire with experts Colin Young and Raj Bisram. Who will come out on top at the auction in Norfolk? Eric takes some time out to visit the local Norris Museum to look at a collection of ice skates and learn about the golden age of fenland skating.

The Translation:
It's back to my neck of the woods with Uncle Eric, Rick Wakeman and Dr Evil with Auntie Liz on Auction duties. Uncle Eric is dressed like an extra from Morph in a red g1mp suit or is he some red sperm from Woody Allen's All You Wanted To Know About Sex ..... Welcome to the Fens, arrrrrrrrrrrr

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Uncle Eric Knowles
[Red Team Expert] Colin Rick Wakeman Young
[Blue Team Expert] Raj Dr Evil Bisram
[Auctioneer] Elizabeth Talbot, sounds like and looks like a Jane Austen extra. Auntie Liz.
[Auction Location] TW Gaze, Diss, Norfolk twinned with Datt in Germany
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Mixed sex partners, she's a business intern and really annoying, he collects bottles, those empties must rake in a bit of deposit these days.
(Challenge: Holds liquid)
[Blue Team] Married couple who met while punting in Cambridge.
(Challenge: Hang on a wall)

The Shopping:
Reds: Antique wooden Windsor chair (75) OK, 1970s table lighter (8 Challenge) OK, Concrete garden trough depicting cameos of ladies (34) Very good.
Blues: 20th-century wooden doll's house (28) OK let's see, Pair of Victorian Gothic cast iron rain hoppers (75 Challenge) good, Mid-century bus or tram ticket machine (50) OK, might be a bit of sink or swim.

The Distraction:
Fenland skating or to give its correct name Fenland interbreeding or Monster creation. Either that bloke is a giant or Uncle Eric isn't very tall. Well he is from Ricketts Central in Lancs.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Antique wooden Windsor chair (small loss), 1970s table lighter (profit), Concrete garden trough depicting cameos of ladies (good profit).
Rick's BB is a set of 5 concrete garden pots (69), 65-80, got a decent chance, 80, nice profit, Rick plays a celebratory jingle on his Moog.



Blues: 20th-century wooden doll's house (small profit), Pair of Victorian Gothic cast iron rain hoppers (small loss), Mid-century bus or tram ticket machine (small loss).
Raj's BB is a small hand-painted wooden chest (15), 20-30, yup profit all day long, 32. Good find there.



The Aftermath:
Well, that could've been from anywhere, apart from a few establishing shots, there was no exterior filming. Once again, another good Auction from Auntie Liz, she's got the balance just about right, spot on estimates, humerous patter, and can work a room. Both teams make an overall profit, both BBs do the business. That Red girl was very annoying but they did beat those Cambridge Blues.



The Hi-Kick:
Indoor Covid diagonal which has some depth. All achieve at least par. Red Team pretty high. Annoying Red Girl can be heard shouting YES!!! I bet she's a problem for the neighbours late at night.

​

 

BBC approved preamble:
Elsecar 4
Bargain HuntSeries 53
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m00077t2
The Elsecar Heritage Centre plays host to today's programme. Presenter Anita Manning leads proceedings whilst experts Tim Weeks and Caroline Hawley help the teams find the bargains that will hopefully make them a profit at auction. Meanwhile Anita learns more about a local man who changed the face of mining in Britain.

The Translation:
It's McWitch AGAIN. Groan. Good God, she's doing some demented Jane Fonda-style workout. That and Hawley's outfit is going to get me reaching for the sickbag. Feel the burn McWitch as Matthew Hopkins roasts you at the stake. Here she is plaguing the Elsecar Heritage Centre in Barnsley, South Yorks. Helping her in all sorts of Tomfoolery and slapstick fun are Sorcerer's Apprentice Timpole Tudor and Hag-in-waiting Foghorn Forlorn with another outfit from the psychedelic Jackson Pollack collection inspired by Jean-Paul Qweecee. The knock-on-wood jigger is Sheffield's Rob Lee who will demonstrate the county's copious abundance of flints of skin.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Anita McWitch Manning
[Red Team Expert] Timpole Tudor Wunderbar Weeks aka Spongehair Treepants
[Blue Team Expert] Caroline Psychotronic Hawley, wearing the latest from The Migraine collection
[Auctioneer] Rob Lee, "Yorkshire, Yorkshire, Yorkshire!!!!"
[Auction Location] Sheffield
(Miserlin Rating: Approved)

​

The Teams:
[Red Team] Retired Mother & Hairdresser Daughter
(Challenge: Art Deco)
[Blue Team] Retired Mother who fancies JP (retch) & Teacher Daughter
(Challenge: Over 100 years old, a proper antique)

The Shopping:
Reds: Art Deco card/cigarette case (24 Challenge) good buy, Pair of advertising boards (20) OK, Art Nouveau pewter coffeepot (85), it's been repaired, low estimate, doesn't look good.
Blues: Leather and mother-of-pearl opera glasses (30 Challenge) OK, Velvet glasses case (10) OK, Victorian walnut loo table, is this a sh1te buy? (75), maybe.

The Distraction:
Barnsley Museum, flat caps?, stuffed whippets?, shrunken heads of Lancastrians?, Mumified remains of Fred Truman?, no, it's Benjamin Biram and his mining inventions. Later, she turns the curator into a newt. Don't worry he gets better.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Art Deco card/cigarette case (nice profit), Pair of advertising boards (small loss), Art Nouveau pewter coffee pot (damaged) (loss).
Timpole's BB are some Sword cocktail sticks and holder (10), 5-10, Scrrrrooooge, 20, profit made but not enough for victory.



Blues: Leather and mother-of-pearl opera glasses (small profit), Velvet glasses case (nice profit), Victorian walnut loo table, is this a sh1te buy? (nice profit). Swoon a Golden Gavel.
Headache's BB is a Silver (Foghorn tick) ballet dancer brooch (38), REJECTED, 10-20, come and get me price, 40, it squeaks a profit amid much squealimg.

​

The Aftermath:
Both teams make a profit. Shock horror, a Yorkshire golden gavel for the Blues. Pigs are flying.



The Hi-Kick:
Standard indoor kick. McWitch fails to levitate or barely get her foot off the ground. Timpole is the only one to hot par. I know Blue Mother has a crutch but surely she could wave it in the air.

​

 

Bloodbath today at John Camerons Pompey Paradise for Parsimonious Pensioners

Well done both experts for some nice profits, but some of those purchases were hideous, especially from the idiots with their ridiculous lamp.

 

Yer, the usual Pompey style Dutch Auction. That Red team were the archetypal heart over head fools. Poor Sarky, he was getting well stressed.

 

BBC approved preamble:
Brighton 18
Bargain HuntSeries 56
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000jz7r
Christina Trevanion oversees today’s Bargain Hunt, which comes from Brighton racecourse. Mark Stacey and Catherine Southon are helping the reds and blues spend £300 on three items to sell at the auction in Southsea. Meanwhile, Christina shows off a tasty mystery item.

The Translation:
Here we are again at Skidrow-on-sea Racecourse with Queen Bee Christina Trevanion. Buzzing around causing a nuisance is mega drone, dull and posh, Catherine Truss, causing a nuisance around the soft fruit, Sarky Marky. Auctioneer is John Marine Boy Cameron in Disparates Antiques Auction rooms aka Pompey Penny Pinchers Paradise. Warning, don't expect mega profits as Pte Fraser loves visiting Portsmouth. It's the natural habitat for the Miser Moths. Oh dear Pompey, Pompey oh-dear.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Christina Trevanion, Queen of Sizzle, she shows off a lovely pair
[Red Team Expert] Sarky Marky Stacey, the sleazy, slurry somnambulist, he does enjoy a pansy
[Blue Team Expert] Catherine Southon, super posh, super dull, super annoying
[Auctioneer] John Marine Boy Cameron
[Auction Location] Southsea, Pompey
(Miserlin Rating: One Star)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Friends & Neighbours, retired female and male health worker,
(Challenge: Victoriana)
[Blue Team] Retired Husband & Wife
(Challenge: Contains a gemstone)

The Shopping:
Reds: Bursley Ware Chinese dragon bowl (48) OK, Upcycled copper bed lamp lamp (120) struggle, Boxed silver open salts set (120 Challenge) struggle .
Blues: Edwardian Almandine garnet and seed pearl pendant (55 Challenge) not gold, struggle, Arts & Crafts copper tray (80) struggle, Edwardian silver butter dish (25) decent.

The Distraction:
Mystery object time. Brighton bun candle holders. I thought a Brighton bun was a consequence of an unprotected Dirty Weekend.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Bursley Ware Chinese dragon bowl (loss), Upcycled copper bed lamp lamp (big loss), Boxed silver open salts set (largish loss).
Sarky's 12 quid budget BB is a French enamelled pen/letter opener (10), 40-60, real bargain, 55, excellent buy Sarky, you have redeemed yourself.



Blues: Edwardian Almandine garnet and seed pearl pendant (largish loss), Arts & Crafts copper tray (largish loss), Edwardian silver butter dish (good profit).
Dully's BB is a Boxed pair of drop earrings (90), 40-60, overpaid it seems, 110, internet bid, so Dully comes up Trumps.



The Aftermath:
The Red Team was the archetypal team of fools, buying stuff they liked rather than things that would make a profit. Poor Sarky, dreadful dithering unfocused team, he was getting very frustrated. The usual Pompey Dutch Auction with the only profits coming from the experts BBs and a silver butter dish. All the other items made significant losses. Reds, a 3 figure "Pompey" loss and the Blues with a more modest deficit.



The Hi-Kick:
Standard indoor kick. A real mixed bag but for once Sarky just goes over 90 degrees and so is the winner.

​

 

Hello, Lord Haw-Haw, sad f u c k/c u n t, pick whatever 4-letter word tickles your fancy, calling.
BBC approved preamble:
Malvern 15
Bargain HuntSeries 57
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000r7w1
Charlie Ross and experts Caroline Hawley and Philip Serrell go antiques-hunting at the Three Counties Showground in Malvern before heading to Derbyshire for today’s auction. Charlie has a mystery for today’s fairgoers, but will they solve it?

The Translation:
Charl-eh, Foghorn Forlorn and Muttley ponce around the Three Counties Showground in L*t*n, I mean Malvern, in another episode of Tat Rescue. Today's Auction is in Derbys, does this mean Hanson's Big Top? Nope it's crumpled James Lewis, who looks like he has had a rough night on a busted mattress in the back of a burned-out Ford Transit.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Omnifool Charlie Ross replete with old school tie, creating a huge racket.
[Red Team Expert] Caroline Hawley with the latest from her exclusive Spew and Cry collection
[Blue Team Expert] Philip Muttley Serrell avec scarf de tat et pullover de moth
[Auctioneer] Crumpled James Lewis
[Auction Location] Bamfords, Derbyshire
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Best friends, he is severly overgroomed and she knows about Irish silver.
(Challenge: With a face)
[Blue Team] Mother & Daughter, dog groomer and student.
(Challenge: Connection to water)

The Shopping:
Reds: Miniature longcase Grandfather clock (60 Challenge) OK, Large travelling trunk (43) might struggle, Late 19th century dog's head walking cane (80) maybe.
Blues: 19th Century Elm bench (35) Bargain, close to a steal, Magic lantern glass plates (75 Challenge) might struggle but a brave purchase, Oak candlebox (50) might struggle.

The Distraction:
It's mystery object time and it's a Glove stretcher. Charl-eh shows off his one finger hole. The wooden implement is inserted, his eyes water then glaxe over, his head spins and he makes a mess down his slacks.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Miniature longcase Grandfather clock (small loss), Large travelling trunk (loss), Late 19th century dog's head walking cane (largish loss).
Foghorn's BB is a miniature silver (comfort zone tick) mirror necklace 20, 20-30, should be fine, 25, a fiver profit.



Blues: 19th Century Elm bench (huge profit), Magic lantern glass plates (small loss), Oak candlebox (loss).
Scruffy's BB is a silver and glass hip flask (15), 20-40, profit all day long, 25, a fiver profit.



The Aftermath:
Good old Charl-eh. He was kind to accept the glass plates them as fulfilling his 'connection to water' challenge, Strict Natasha would have DQed just before the Auction. Very echoey echoey echoey auction. Reds didn't really haggle and it shows in the price of their purchases. Their only profit was Foghorn's fiver from her BB. Scruffy had a decent day for the Blues, small profit on the BB and a very well spotted Elm bench which made a tidy sum.



The Hi-Kick:
Outside Covid diagonal on grass. Decent offering apart from Scruffy's usual non-attempt. Charl-eh has wood.

​

 

I love the geezers who run the antiques shop they visited today. Always give a good discount and look like fences.

I can see the guy in the check jacket as a future expert.

Oh no, it's moribund Mary with the gavel. Good buys but she can still spoil it all.

 

Knew Danny would get the Danish candle holder. Lazy buy. Still a profit in it IMO though. Let's see if Mary can ruin it.

Oh she's absolutely shitting it. Unsold.

 

Now the Blues with John 'Smokers Cough' Cameron.

God Mary makes me want to cut my ears off

 

80 quid for a jelly mould. I'm sceptical.

75, better than I expected tbh

 

32 quid for the dogs. Profit all day. Dodgy dealers gave them a good price.

Made 70 quid. Big profit.

 

Bonus buy is a 20 quid telescope. Looks good to me.
At 22 at 22 at 22 at 22

God she's awful.

Well done Blues to get a decent profit out of this auction.

 

Another Mumbling Mary Masterclass at Auction and the Squeak really excelled himself with a genuine 'Clive', an item that fails to be sold. It looked like an item rescued from the bin.

 

It looked like something you'd knock up in CDT at school.

 

My old thumbpots had more elan than that piece of skipware. It was such a useless and lazy buy.

 

BBC approved preamble:
Lord Haw-Haw and his sad login of righteous indignation, motto, "Nos non capietur" (we won't be taken in), remember kids it's only a joke, presents:
Hele 15
Bargain HuntSeries 62
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001bn29
Natasha Raskin Sharp and the teams go shopping for antiques in Exeter with experts Danny Sebastian and John Cameron. Natasha discovers more about fossilist Mary Anning.

The Translation:
Were back in Hell in the circle reserved for tat lovers. Strict Natasha is there to DQ you for the slightest infringement. Squeaky Toy impersonator, Danny Dogwhistle, the aural torturer, will send you into eternal despair with some lovely little fruit crates he found near the bins, while Marine Boy will drop anchor and show you his priceless diving bell. Rounding things off at Daddy's Auction House will be Posh Mumbling Mary who knows the price of everything yet the value of nothing.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp
[Red Team Expert] Danny Squeak Squeak Squeak Sebastian, he of the aged and distressed voice
[Blue Team Expert] John Marine Boy Cameron
[Auctioneer] Posh Mumbling Mary Chilcott, the ventriloquist
[Auction Location] Chilcotts, Honiton
(Miserlin Rating: One Star)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Father & Son who are both directors who unfortunately follow Chelski.
(Challenge: Transparent)
[Blue Team] Geezer friends who follow Chelski
(Challenge: Made from tin, perhaps their heads)

The Shopping:
Reds: 10 bottles in a wooden crate (80 Challenge) Mumbling worries, Victorain pocket barometer and case (65) Mumble Good, Dunhill ceramic compass ashtray (5) Mumble OK.
Blues: Crawford tea/caddy biscuit tin (13 Challenge) Mumble OK, Benham & Froud Victorian copper jelly mould (80) Mumble alright, Pair of turquoise Foo dogs (32) Mumble Bargain.

The Distraction:
Mary Anning (Female, BBC big box tick) and her old fossils. It is she who unearthed the Charl-eh fossil and it's indescribable discharge and some items that the Squeak things will look nice in the garden or in a trendy cafe.

​

The Auction:
Reds: 10 bottles in a wooden crate (loss), Victorian pocket barometer and case (nice profit), Dunhill ceramic compass ashtray (small profit).
Squeak's BB tat is a teak and candelabra found in a bin (9), 10-15, she turns her nose up at it and fails to sell it, NO SALE, LOL. Squeak Strikes Again.



Blues: Crawford tea/caddy biscuit tin (nice profit), Benham & Froud Victorian copper jelly mould (small loss), Pair of turquoise Foo dogs (good profit).
Marine Boy's BB is the Jeeves military telecope from earlier (20), mumble, mumble, mumble 30-50, 32, nice profit, good buy MB.



The Aftermath:
Very cheeky haggling with the Blues. Reds were causing Danny to hypersqueak as the clock ticked down. Work experience Mary the Mumbler, reads the computer screen like a ventriloquist and bangs the gavel, she is terrible. Blues win through a combination of good haggling and decent direction from Marine Boy Cameron. Reds on the other hand were too unfocused and had the handicap of the Dog's Toy. The Squeakmeister excelled himself with his BB, getting a memorable Clive, a no sale. Hanson would probably have struggled with it, but Mumbling Mary was the kiss of death on any hope of a sale.



The Hi-Kick:
Indoor Covid diagonal. Strict Natasha jumps the gun as always but everyone is decent and makes par. Good effort. Squeaky gives us a nice close-up of his sweaty armpit. Yes, YES!!

​

 

LOL. Today's has to be watched just for Muttley's Bonus Buy. What was he thinking!

 

BBC approved preamble:
Ardingly 22
Bargain HuntSeries 58
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000x2sx
Charlie Ross hosts from Ardingly International Antiques Fair. Experts Philip Serrell and Roo Irvine are on hand to assist the red and blue teams in their search for three profitable items to take to auction. Charlie finds out about a distinctive style of wood carving, Black Forest Ware.

The Translation:
The posh t1t, Charleh is back at the laughably named Ardingly International Antiques Fair for some Alchemeric Tat transformation. Helping him turn base metal into Gold is his personal Igor, Muttley Serrell and his housekeeper the always delightful Roo Irvine who can make anything shine. Big Sigh, the Auction today is in the Miser Moth Pompey PennyPinchers Paradise with Marine Boy. Any profit is likely to end up in Davy Jones's locker.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Omnifool Charl-eh Charles Ross
[Red Team Expert] Philip Muttley Serrell avec scarf de tat et pullover de moth
[Blue Team Expert] Delightful Roo Irvine, full of Eastern Promise
[Auctioneer] John Marine Boy Cameron
[Auction Location] Southsea, Pompey
(Miserlin Rating: One Star)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Father & Daughter, maritime loving Scouser.
(Challenge: Connection to the sea)
[Blue Team] Father & Daughter Take 2, she knows about musical instruments.
(Challenge: With a handle)

The Shopping:
Reds: Ceremonial truncheon (75) right area, Long John Silver Toby jug (5 Challenge) OK, Pair of metal and glass night lights (55) might be OK.
Blues: Vintage leather suitcase (80) might struggle, Ceramic phrenology head (20) OK, Metal dog statue (30) fine.

The Distraction:
For the first time in ages, it's the new tablets he's taking, Charl-eh discovers he has wood. Plaidy is on hand to show him his etchings. Charl-eh brings out his whopping Black Forest beast. He mishears the word bear and drops his trousers. Plaidy shows his cracker and tells him to put his nuts in there. Subsequently, the senile fool's head spins, his eyes glaze over and there's an unshiftable stain on the woodpecker.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Ceremonial truncheon (nice profit), Long John Silver Toby jug (nice profit), Pair of metal and glass night lights (largish loss) they were crap mind.
Scruffball's BB is a Fire Bucket (120) LOL will be useful for his reputation which has just gone up in flames, REJECTED, hahahaha, 30-40, hohohoho, sold for 48, LOL, what a dolt, LOL. It looked crap and guess what it made a huge loss.



Blues: Vintage leather suitcase (large loss), Ceramic phrenology head (profit), Metal dog statue (evens stevens).
Roo, who seems to have borrowed Trilly's The Prioner jacket, BB is a Victorian-style child's swing chair (40) better value than Scruffy's bucket, 40-60, fair-do's, 40 notes prised out of Steptoe's fingers, evens stevens. Hard lines Roo.



The Aftermath:
Another fag end of the day episode with stalls closing. Always difficult, particularly for the experts. Pompey the graveyard for overall profits sees both teams make a loss. No surprise. However, today's massive highlight or should that be lowlight is Muttley's Fire Bucket folly. LOL. What a disaster. LOL. The expression on people's faces, including his own, when people learned what he paid for it was priceless.



The Hi-Kick:
Indoor Covid diagonal. Decent effort, everyone above 90 apart from Scuffy who barely shifts his foot as usual.

​

 

Muttley is usually quite savvy with his bonus buys. Cannot begin to understand how he thought it was Ok to pay 120 notes for a bucket.

In his own auction that would not have made double digits - '8 pounds and done and done'

When will contestants learn that a battered suitcase has a ceiling price of about 50 quid. Roo should really have helped them more there. Bit of a rare mistep from the delightful sherlock Holmes impersonating Irvine. She also didn't seem to cotton on to the fact that the phrenology head was obvious reproduction, though it still made its money, purely as an aesthetic piece. I thought the metal dog should have done better so that was a bit unlucky.

Lamps were complete crap. Toby jug so cheap it was a no brainer, the truncheon was actually a reasonable buy. Decent age and clearly something that would appeal to a collector rather than a van filling tat merchant with 30 quid total.