1. reg_varney

    reg_varney Squad Player

    Hawley in the Audience sat naxt to Vic Reeves.

  2. reg_varney

    reg_varney Squad Player

    BOOOOOO!!!! Foghorn scares the living daylights out of Red Bird while Squeak sinisterly siddles up to the Blues. I wanted you says Stockholm syndrome suffering Blue bird.

    Boo.jpeg Squeak.jpeg
  3. reg_varney

    reg_varney Squad Player

    Yet another fine mess I've left you in.

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  4. reg_varney

    reg_varney Squad Player

    I think you may have been getting confused with these bespoke chocolate anuses

  5. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    I've had to leave to head to Wealdstone for watford ladies. Let me know how the super expensive silver box does please?
    reg_varney likes this.
  6. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Reservist

    That disgusting ugly £210 round silver box? Amazingly only lost a tenner! Jaws dropped here.
    And was followed by a sensational result on the heart of gold.
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2023 at 1:18 PM
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  7. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Reservist

    although still not as valuable as this heart of gold...

    reg_varney likes this.
  8. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    Keep on bargain hunting in a free world
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  9. reg_varney

    reg_varney Squad Player

    Treepants finds a sign to attract the Wessex Audiences that have fallen through the cracks in society, Terry Bullteeth, Lady Crazy Glasses and Billy Hill.

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  10. reg_varney

    reg_varney Squad Player

    Tramway Tash Tight Titty Top? No, front-breasted pocket white blouse. Boo, no alliteration possible.

    Connection between a letter and film reel. Blackmail?

    Tubby, Weeks, and Hanson doing the hammering again bit back in his Auction home, when he was still in the marital home. I wonder if he forgot his wife's birthday?

    Murder actors. Just need Jericho in her Giallo killer outfit.

    Picard Blue Bloke.

    What makes a good expert. Certainly not Tubby.

    Tash blowing a sort of pipe is a good start.

    "Great looking chair", neither of you heavyweights sit on it.

    Car mascot just need the semi-naked lady on a car to adorn it 70s style.

    The price is under Tubby's arse. It's large but the price is small.

    Faaark what the Millennials are buying.

    Eeey-buy-gum 2 for a tenner

    Tubby trying on that shirt. Careful Tubby when it rips you'll have to buy it.

    Something Hanson might wear with his Dreamblazer.

    Tubby wearing women's 60s clothes. It'll go well with the silk bra and panties he's currently wearing.

    More sodding teaspoons.

    Tennis Net measuring tat. Oh dear.

    Horny Bronte pottery. Phwoarrr, the size of those jugs.

    Lots of cross-dressing going on today. Reminds me of the Viz spoof Scotch-dressing advert (see below).

    Treepants loves his costume jewellery.

    What the faark is tur-kwarz. Tubby you pretentious arse. Its Turquoise.

    That's very very suspicious. Treepants getting the Blue Team to do press-up in front of him. Will there be a lovely glazed item later.


    Strict Natasha turns up hoping to get on the action. The Big Push. Her front blouse pockets burst open.


    Is Tubby's Quiver full of arrows?

    Weeks running like a Giraffe.

    Tubby advises to spunk 210 on the box containing tur-kwarze.

    Distraction lady gives Strict Natasha a look at the Rules & Regulations book for the Tramways. She wets her knickers.

    Interfering with the motorman. Snigger.


    Time for Hanson.

    Charles Chokes on Tubby's Pot.

    Tash, dressed like a Wild West saloon owner thinks Tubby is a genius and has bought a bargain.


    He's so shocked is tie has become skewwhiff, either that of he and Tash have had a quickie in the broom cupboard just before.


    A stained kimono with foxing and is damp. That would be Treepants creaming and worse over it earlier.

    You can't beat some Victorian black beads, but you can shove them where the sun don't shine.

    Hanson flutters his eyelids in response to making memories again.

    COME ON!!!!

    Hanson working his magic on the Hippy blouse dress thing.

    Profit on the china set.

    Here comes the disaster pot.

    Make a memory.

    It falls just short. LOL.

    Tubby's BB. Art Nouveau pendant seen in the Hanson Auction montage earlier.

    22 notes for 9ct gold. Profit all the way.

    Huge profit. Tubby comes up Trumps for once. 158 profit.

    175 overall score. Must check to see if it's Tubby's best ever. No, he actually has a 214 but as blance he has the worst ever overall score of -196.

    Week's damp kimono makes profit.

    Some mutton dressed as lamb smiles and winks at Charles.


    The playbox brooches make a loss.

    Bowls profit.

    Treepants BB is a fake WWII radio.

    "It's got the look. It's got the wear, it's got the wear and tear." Hanson goes off on one.

    "Cautious is the way you move forward in life, and one small step for auctioneering mankind."

    It makes a profit. 30 note overall profit.

    Another entertaining episode.
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  11. reg_varney

    reg_varney Squad Player

    Here's the Classic Viz Scotch-Dressing advert alluded to above.

  12. reg_varney

    reg_varney Squad Player

    Re-up from last June with some additions.
    BBC approved preamble:
    Southwell 4
    Series 55
    Today’s teams are at Southwell Racecourse in Nottinghamshire with experts Thomas Forrester and Tim Weeks. Before heading to today’s auction in Derbyshire, presenter Natasha Raskin Sharp stops off at the National Tramway Museum in Crich to learn about the role trams played in delivering our letters.

    The Translation:
    In another version of Groundhog Day, Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp relives yet another visit to Southwell/Southall racecourse in Notts with Spongehair Treepants Weeks as Bill Murray and Tubby Thomas as Andie MacDowell. The Auction action is with Charles Hanson and his Amazing Technicolour Dreamblazer, freshly cut from the Deckchair collection.

    The Staff:
    [Gaffer] Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp
    [Red Team Expert] Tubby Thomas Forrester, the plump schoolboy
    [Blue Team Expert] Timpole Tudor Wunderbar Weeks
    [Auctioneer] Charles Hanson, The Phineas T Barnum of the Auction World
    [Auction Location] Hanson Auction House, Derbys
    (Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)

    [​IMG] [​IMG]

    The Teams:
    [Red Team] Retired female friends
    (Challenge: Retro)
    [Blue Team] Father and son triathletes. The impromptu press-ups are extremely cringeworthy.
    (Challenge: Vintage ladies fashion accessory)
    Note: Quite an amusing Challenge to give to 2 alpha-males

    The Shopping:
    Reds: 1960s patchwork jacket, Tubby models it, luckily it is superbaggy (40) maybe, Hornsey Coffee set (28 Challenge) OK, German Hanau silver box (210) Charles almost faints at the price LOL.
    Blues: Japanese kimono, damp and stained (30 Challenge) OK, Job lot of costume jewellery brooches (75) maybe not, set of 4 Australian lawn bowls (15) should be fine.

    The Distraction:
    Strict Natasha visits the National Tramway Museum in Crich. She investigates delivering letters by Tram. Later on she has the museum shut down for some minor infringement, something to do with interfering with the motorman. Very euphanistic.


    The Auction:
    Reds: 1960s patchwork jacket (decent profit), Hornsey Coffee set (small profit) GG? probably not, German Hannau silver box (small loss), just miss out on the GG.
    Tubby's BB is an Art Noveau-style gold pendant (22), 30-40, profit all day long, 180, a massive profit, Tubby triumphant.

    [​IMG] [​IMG]

    Blues: Japanese kimono (profit), Job lot of costume jewellery brooches (small loss), set of 4 Australian lawn bowls (nice profit).
    Treepants BB is a 1930's re-enactment wireless/radio (20), 10-20, should be OK, 30, small profit, good going Tim Weeks.

    [​IMG] [​IMG]

    The Aftermath:
    Both teams make a profit, 175 for Tubby's Reds, 30 for Weeks' Blues, and both experts deliver a BB which makes a profit. Both teams close to a Golden Gavel but just fall short. Hanson was very conservative on his valuing for once, but as usual, delivered in the Auction Room. Tubby really excelled himself today with the superb pendant find. It could have been so different if the box had tanked. He's promised an ice-cream, he hopes it's one of these. Careful he may burst his trousers again.


    RedWin.jpeg BlueWin.jpeg

    The Hi-Kick:
    Standard indoor kick. Red ladies struggle and Tubby Thomas is almost bursting his trousers but everyone else gets it up. Yes, YES!!

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  13. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Reservist

    Fat Redbird = Sarah Vine?

    Great unpredictable episode, worthy of the extensive commentary.

    That Nouveau heart was fabulous. One of the best-looking 'trinkets' BH has ever seen?

    The second that "kimono stain" was mentioned, I knew Reg would leap on it.:D
    reg_varney likes this.
  14. reg_varney

    reg_varney Squad Player

    A Roasted Christina with eunuchs Madders and Tragicooper.

    Another immobilised contestant from Exeter.

    The Daddies have Christina's HARD challenge.

    Has Red Biredgot one leg completely tattooed?

    Yeti Cooper is into chains.

    Usually you haggle by going rock bottom and work your way up Blue Lady.
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2023 at 12:28 PM
  15. Chewitt

    Chewitt Forum Extraordinaire

    Red bloke used to be a truck driver, retired from sitting on his ar*e all day to sit on his ar*e all day
    reg_varney likes this.
  16. reg_varney

    reg_varney Squad Player

    That mirror dealer casts no reflection. No wonder he is trying to give it away.

    Looks like the haunted one from Amicus Beyond The Grave.


    Some tossing going on.

    The Dirty Laughing has really kicked off. Lucky Vicar.
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2023 at 12:40 PM
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  17. Chewitt

    Chewitt Forum Extraordinaire

    Played them like a fiddle there

    Christina getting her one piece ready for a trip to the beach, oooooph!
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  18. reg_varney

    reg_varney Squad Player

    Christina being shown some suggestive postcards.

    Shiiit Auction a-hoy.

    Partridge is dreadful.

    I can see YOU walking through a meadow with that retorts Aha to Christina. I assume he means the basket.

    Not a good start.

    Jesus, still no profit.

    Bird-shat outside seat.

    The Carloss huge loss item already.
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2023 at 12:53 PM
  19. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Reservist

    That Bluebloke is Alan Dodds from Bowie's first band!

    Friday, August 30, 1963: The Konrads entered the Decca Studios at Broadhurst Gardens in West Hampstead, North West London, for the first time and cut their only record, which was entitled 'I Never Dreamed'. The song was written by David Jones (Bowie), Roger Ferris and Alan Dodds,
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  20. reg_varney

    reg_varney Squad Player

    And he gets saddled with the Ken Dodd(s) of the Auction Expert World. Another Tragicooper Disasterclass.
  21. reg_varney

    reg_varney Squad Player

    Christina looking blasted by the sun at the beach but more radiant in the cooler surroundings of the Auction Room. A Dirty Laughing Masterclass.
  22. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Reservist

    Love it when this expert is on; Princess keeps saying "oh, Richard..."
    Am I dreaming? :p

    Although I could have done without her referring to "Richard's comfy seat".
    Yes, the daily Cab Sauv has added a few pounds.
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2023 at 1:39 PM
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  23. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Reservist

    They are almost ashamed of having to mention McGill's postcards...woke BH.:(

    Christina has lost weight and looks a bit gaunt.

    Does she need a rapid injection of some calories and vitamin E? :p

    "All medication works best when applied like a suppository, luv..."
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2023 at 1:36 PM
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  24. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Reservist

    lovely box lost twenty. :( 'inconceivable'.

    Carloss' plates were fab.
    Shocking result.
  25. reg_varney

    reg_varney Squad Player

    Some idiot North American BBC World News presenter pronounces Wycombe as Why-comb. Fark me. That's an instant sackable offence.
  26. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Reservist

    Am enjoying trying to imagine Bowie, Dodds and Carloss together in some sort of collective endeavour.
    Can't see Ziggy in a carpark haggling over a bit of Denbigh, though.
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  27. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 Reservist

    Private Eye has been highlighting such things, ie the results of amalgamating the previous channels...too often inapt for the UK audience
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  28. reg_varney

    reg_varney Squad Player

    Cooooooper, Cooooooooper. The Auction Graveyard calls yoouuuuuuuu!!!!!

    Mirror.jpeg Mirror2.jpg
  29. reg_varney

    reg_varney Squad Player

    A sly little shrug and a knowing smile and that sign springs up to attention again.

    Shrug.jpeg ReturnOfTheAttentionSign.jpeg
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  30. reg_varney

    reg_varney Squad Player

    There's so much tongue action today that 2 sets of Picture Postcards are in order.

    vlcsnap-2023-09-18-14h28m31s883.jpeg vlcsnap-2023-09-18-14h24m45s390.jpeg vlcsnap-2023-09-18-14h24m59s782.jpeg vlcsnap-2023-09-18-14h25m19s012.jpeg vlcsnap-2023-09-18-14h25m34s856.jpeg vlcsnap-2023-09-18-14h30m14s399.jpeg vlcsnap-2023-09-18-14h30m33s706.jpeg vlcsnap-2023-09-18-14h30m39s574.jpeg vlcsnap-2023-09-18-14h32m00s439.jpeg vlcsnap-2023-09-18-14h32m14s853.jpeg
  31. reg_varney

    reg_varney Squad Player

  32. reg_varney

    reg_varney Squad Player

    Cone and get me. Who doesn't enjoy a load of delicious 99-cream.

    Cornet.jpeg Cornet2.jpeg
  33. reg_varney

    reg_varney Squad Player

    A real rum lot at George Aha Romerp's Dawn of the Dead Auction including Windy Miller, Gary Glitter and Bob Todd or is that Bob Crutchett.

    WindyMiller.jpeg GaryGlitter.jpeg BringOutYourDead.jpeg OhDear.jpeg
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  34. reg_varney

    reg_varney Squad Player

    Things Perk Up at the Auction. Carloss Wispa's glasses begin to steam up.

  35. reg_varney

    reg_varney Squad Player

    BBC approved preamble:
    Exeter 15
    Series 66
    It’s a family affair on the show as two dad and daughter teams go head-to-head in Exeter, and the blue team has a surprise for their expert Ben Cooper when they spot a guitar.

    In Exeter, Alan on the blue team reveals he played in a band with rock 'n' roll icon David Bowie, and our very own Christina discovers a fine collection of postcards. The reds are set a challenge to find an animal-themed item. They go on to sniff out a brass fox head doorstop, while the blues take a shine to an art nouveau garnet and pearl necklace. It gets pretty close at the end when the reds spend too long reflecting on a late Victorian silver mirror and nearly run out of time. At the auction in the nearby village of Hele, the bids come in thick and fast, but which team ends up playing second string?

    The Translation:
    Boo, too much information on the BBC website pre-amble which border on being Spoilers. BBC, stop wibbling on about Diversity Quotas and BBC schoolgirl chauffeured perv wagons and sort the really important stuff like this out. Just stick to telling us it's in Exeter and who the experts are and maybe where the Auction is. Crikey, Christina and Pearl necklace mentioned in the same paragraph, it's almost enough to tip one over the edge. However, seeing D1ckko Madders and his huge curly grey mop, and then the hair on his head, followed by that big oaf Tragicooper Yeti, has completely dampened my ardour and made me less arder. Completely ruining the mood is Arrogant Auctioneer Adam Aha Partridge who is a disaster-in-waiting. The only rich pickings will be for the Audience vultures stripping the meat off the rotting carcass of overall profit.

    The Staff:
    [Gaffer] Steamstress Christina Trevanion, you get so much more than you bargained for
    [Red Team Expert] Richard D1ckko Madders Madley not Madeley
    [Blue Team Expert] Ben Bad Buys Ta-der-der Woo-Woo Cooper, the Poundshop George Michael, Kissing A Fool, Kissing Himself
    [Auctioneer] Adam Aha Partridge, your items fate is in his gland
    [Auction Location] Adam Partridge Auctioneers & Valuers, Hele, Devon
    [Miserlin Rating] One Star

    Start2.jpeg Auction.jpeg

    The Teams:
    [Red Team] Retired lorry driver Father and Support Worker Daughter, he scoots, she disputes and Madders hirsutes
    (Challenge: Featuring an animal)
    [Blue Team] Retired vicar Our Father who played with David Bowie and Foster Carer Daughter, his Jean Genie, let's hope they're not Absolute Beginners
    (Challenge: With a gemstone)

    The Shopping:
    Reds: 19th Century brass fox doorstop (33 Challenge) OK, Late Victorian damaged binoculars with case (10) Good, 1902/1903 Chester silver mirror (80) OK.
    Blues: Art Nouveau Garnet stone necklace (144 Challenge) ouch ultra pessimistic, English silver and enamel topped jewellery box (54) OK, Wicker picnic basket (35) OK.

    The Distraction:
    Christina is off to the beach. The order of the day are some dipping of bodily objects in damp places and deeply sucking on a red topped Zoom ice-lolly, lovely lolly indeed, in the classic 1970s triggering advert style. Christina is shown some saucy and some downright rude postcards. She laughs extremely dirtily while devouring a huge cone with plenty of nuts and lashings of sauce, the postcards spontaneously combust in response.


    The Auction:
    Reds: 19th Century brass fox doorstop (small loss), Late Victorian damaged binoculars with case (evens stevens), 1902/1903 Chester silver mirror (evens stevens).
    Madders BB is a 19th Century regency style wire-worked seat (60), 30-40, 60. Another evens stevens.

    FoXDoorStop.jpeg SpiralChair.jpeg

    Blues: Art Nouveau Garnet stone necklace (big loss), English silver and enamel topped jewellery box (loss), Wicker picnic basket (loss).
    Carloss Wispas's BB is a pair of 1895 Royal Worcester Armorial ware plates for the Walker family (40), 50-80, 30. Even a sure-fire bet is a loss in Cooper's clumsy hands.

    GarnetPendant.jpeg WorcesterPlates.jpeg

    The Aftermath:
    Christina looked hot roasted outside but hot lovely in the fresher surroundings of the Auction room. Her make-up surviving in this more hospitable environment. It was an Aha Patridge Auction so expectations were rock bottom and it didn't disappoint particularly with Yeticooper. Madders Red Team featuring a retired lorry driver on a mobility scooter, a whole life being sat on your arse, and his excessively tattooed daughter, had a small loss on their brass fox challenge and then proceeded to wipe their face on all their other items. I don't think I've seen 3 break even items in a row before, must be a record. Sounds like it was all being controlled by that creepy Amicus From Beyond The Grave style mirror, whom that seller was desperately trying to get rid. The ghostly figure of Madders will now appear in the mirror after dark to the new owners, imploring them to buy dodgy bird-shat-on garden seats. So a -8 loss at a Partridge sale, a moral victory. Now we come to the Blue Team, which featured a guitar icon vicar who was an Antique Bowieman guided by a catastrophe icon who is an Antique Bogeyman. Cooper at a Partridge Auction, what could possibly happen. The bleeding obvious. A Grand Slam of losses including a whopper for the Art Nouveau necklace, which was nice, but heavily overpriced, all resulting in a big -128 overall loss. It was a dreadful Auctioneer, a dreadful Auction Audience, and a dreadful Auction Expert, resulting in a Fools Gold standard BH Disasterclass. Oh yeah and not a single item made a profit. Very entertaining though. Well any episode with Christina is highly recommended.

    RedLoss.jpeg BlueLoss.jpeg

    The Hi-Kick:
    Outdoor kick on a driveway. Everyone hits par at the same time. Good effort. Almost a decent Growler kick shot from Christina but the shadows are not our friend. Red Bloke manages his kick with a stick. The Disability Benefits Police are preparing his sanction as we speak. Yes, YES!!

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