Bargain Hunt

Tim Spongehair Tree Pants Weeks

They did a memorable set on the Old Grey Whistle Test.

 

Moog. Are you feeling nostalgic?

 

Woy Wood and Wizard with See My Zaha Dive.

 

Nick Hall massively out Starmered today by Kier Starmer on the Red team.

I have to admit I never saw that GG coming. Thought the chair and clock were hideous.

 

It's brand new BH with Uncle Eric back at Ardingly Antiques Fair in Sussex, again. This is the third time they've been here so far this series with Uncle Eric and once again he is assisted by the same experts, Raj Dr Evil Bisram, and Nick Plaid All Over Hall, the Keir Starmer soundalike. No doubt as with the previous installments, the auction is in Newbury, which means that the gavel wielding will be Tubby Thomas Forrester, the plump schoolboy, in an online only sell-off. Unfortunately, Newbury isn't known for its profligate spending, so both teams will have to work hard for their money.



Obviously, as with most TV programmes, a studio and location is booked for a length of time, and several episodes made involving the same presenters/helpers. I just wonder how many they manage to squeeze into a day's filming or whether a large batch is done over more than one day, particularly as the fair and auction rooms are in different locations and the items have to be transported, valued, and sold on a different day to when they're bought, hence the disappearance of team members or experts for the actual Auction.

Anyway, I digress, on with the action. The Distraction concerns an amazing piece of artwork which was commissioned to furnish the post-WWI constructed memorial Victory Hall in Balcombe, West Sussex. With it's functional Badminton court markings on the floor, the sides of the room depict a fresco flowing as a series of poignant scenes from the start of the conflict to it's end. Just from the pictures on TV it looks absolutely stunning and a must see if you are in that neck of the woods.

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On the Red Team we have Father and Son who just about stay on the right side of being too annoying, they pun their way to:
(Challenge: Moving parts)
Vintage cast-iron cow doorstop 10, (20-30) looking good, 25, profit, good start;
Victorian spoon-back chair 40, (60-100), looking good again, 60, good spot Raj, more profit, GG?, they may have overpaid on the clock;
Art Nouveau French mantel clock (Challenge) 170, (60-80) Tubbygulp, 180, it sneaks a tenner profit, Golden Gavel achieved similar to a sprint finish victory when coming in from last place along the home straight, well done.
Raj's BB is an Edwardian rocking chair, 40, they reject it, Tubbylikes, (40-60), 20 s0ds, a loss, a good decision to reject, unlucky, as it wasn't a bad item.

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Blue Team is made up of two youngish friends, who don't annoy, which is always a plus:
(Challenge: Outdated technology)
Two-man timber saw (Challenge) 28, (40-60) hopeful, only does a fiver, a loss, not a good start;
Opera glasses 38, (10-20) damaged, mean estimate, 20, a loss, but it was estimated so shouldn't be surprised;
Pair of Victorian oak hall chairs 80, (50-80), he likes it, mind he likes all the items, big offers straight in, ends with 120, very good profit.
Plaidy's BB is a nice James Bond villain chair 60, not original but in great condition, (50-80), got a good chance, straight in at 50, but that's it, big shame.

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Well an unexpected Golden Gavel, particularly as it looked like they had overspent on the clock. Unusual to see both experts who usually make a profit both fall short as their items weren't bad or overpriced. On another day the Auction Gods would've smiled. Newbury isn't the best Auction House so a GG obtained here is to be treasured.




Final H-Kick is an outdoor Covid on uneven grass special Good well-coordinated kick, everyone hitting the minimum. Another Can-Can bronze medal awarded. Yes, YES!!

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Smouldering Christina Trevanion is in Leominster (Lemster for those only able to deal in phonetics) in an all under one roof antiques centre, so no dogs or truly bizarre items which weigh a ton, and no other buyers/customers. Today, her fulfillment ambassadors are frightfully posh Kate Shrilly Trilly Bliss and Tim Treepole Tudor Weeks, who is wearing a large hat making him look like a Wild West desperado probably because he hasn't had a haircut in months when this was filmed. Auctioneer is Charles Hanson and his Amazing Technicolour Dreamblazer, who will be encouraging his audience to spunk-it-up-the-wall rather than his good self. His all action style should hopefully maximise profits.



The Distraction involves the Lemster Ducking Stool which could find useful employment today for so many of our MPs, if only they could find one big enough to house the obese B'Stards. Boris would probably enjoy a good ducking but there again he probably misheard as he mentally undressed all the females in the chamber. Crikey!!!!



It's 2 Husband and Wife Teams in an enclosed centre with an outdoor auction screams a Covid Lockdown 1 type show.
Husband and Wife Red Team gripe and bicker towards:
(Challenge: Brass)
Art Nouveaux brass letterbox (Challenge) 22, (50-70) bargain, 45, nice profit;
Golf-themed toast rack 45, (60-80) under par, 75, good profit, GG?;
Edward VII Silver watch stand 85, (40-60) he's being mean he says, 80, just 5 pounds short, the GG slips through their fingers.
Trilly's BB is silver?, nope, a set of G-plan tables 80, they reject, Charles loathes it, LOL, not many things he doesn't like, (50-70), let's see, 50, Trilly Dud. Good decision Reds.



Husband and Wife Blue Team nag and whinge to get:
(Challenge: Something carved)
Carved wooden doll's crib (Challenge) 29, (30-50) in with a chance, 30, 1 GBP in credit;
Teapot pincushion 9, (30-50) quids in, 45, excellent profit;
10 Edwardian apothecary jars 100, (80-120) in with a chance again, just sneaks 110, Golden Gavel. Well done.



Wunderbar's BB is a wooden coin's collectors cabinet 85, (40-60) might struggle, 60, shame, Golden Gavels are priceless though.

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So Reds win the contest but the Blues have the Golden Gavels, which money can't buy, not even on eBay.

Final Hi-Kick is a Doppler effect outdoor Covid special, where the front of the line doesn't bother to kick and the back kicks with more gusto. Very poor from the Reds, better from the Blues.

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All Brand New BH with Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp striding around Cheltenham Festival of Antiques at the Racecourse with fellow stalkers Danny Squeakadelic Sebastian, a thousand dogs howl in unison, and Caroline Tartantastic Hawley wearing the latest from The Migraine collection. Bish-Bash-Boshton Hall in Staffs is the Auction House with Charles Hanson and his Amazing Technicolour Dreamblazer conducting the audience. Bodes well for profits.



The Distraction involves the Arts and Crafts movement. Cheltenham's Harold Wilson museum showcases the towns twin obsessions of political and equine history. Pride of place is reserved for the mummified remains of the former pipe-smoking Labour PM mounted on his trusty steed Paddy. Later on Charles Hanson will flog off his pipe for charity.



Very middle-class mother and daughter make up the Red Team who um-and-arr their way to:
(Challenge: School)
German white metal sausage pin cusion 20, (20-30), 38, good gavelling from Hanson;
School bell 20, (20-30), as the bids increase Squeak does his best Gary Glitter impersonation, luckily everyone is far too old to be in danger, 55 s0ds, Squeaky explodes in ecstasy, GG?;
Art deco style bronze dancer 170, (100-200) who knows, it effing flies and finishes on 250. Golden gavel and a corking profit.
Squeakmaster helium's BB is tatastic adjustable 1940s mannequin fresh from the skip, 72, (70-90) Charles likes it, 70, Squeaky Dud, it almost went for less as late bids bring it up. Still makes a loss though.

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Mother and son form the Blue Team and who eventually decide on:
(Challenge: Lens)
Tatty military telescope 34, (50-70), 45, a profit, good work Charles;
Silver dressing table set 40, (40-60), 50, tenner profit, GG?;
Welsh gold ring 155, (60-80), Gulp he's going to have his work cut out, starts at 85, ends at 95, big loss and no GG.



Absent Caroline (again - she's making a habit of this) BB is a gilded brass gavel paper weight 5, (15-25), 40 notes, tidy profit, the bush she hides in twitches in victory. Former Gooner John smokes an extra long cheroot in celebration then pulls a hamstring.



Final Hi-Kick is an outside on-grass Covid diagonal special. Reasonable kick but, poor coordination. Unfortunately the Squeak is nearest the camera to give us the full unadulterated sweaty armpit and crotch shots. Enough to put you off your lunch.

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Reds have splashed out 150 on some black forest nutcracker and 100 on some silk, Chinese cuffs. Spend big to make big? Oh wait, they're at Phil Serrells Palace of Parsimony.

I foresee a 3 figure loss incoming.

 

Yes, Scrooge's Sanctuary was very much in evidence. In Malvern, or roundabouts, Muttley is always a possibility.

 

Back in Wales. Charl-eh adorns rubber gloves and gets scrubbing and plunging into various orifices while foaming (low suds) at the mouth the senile old fool. He vaguely remembers he's at the International Antiques Fair of Wales in Builth Wells with prompters sportsmad Richard D1cko Madley not Madeley and the ridiculously posh Kate Shrilly Trilly Bliss. Oh Shiiiiit. The Auctioneer is Philip Muttley Serrell in the Malvern Misers Mausoleum. Death to all profits. End the programme now!!! Muttley used to be a PE (LOL) and Geography teacher.



The Distraction involves the history of clothes washing where the posh twit finds out why Merthyr Tydfil and its Hoover factory was once the washing machine capital of the world. His eyes glaze over and then his brain spins. The maintenance engineers in white coats come and take him away for another long lie down in a darkened room. No doubt Charleh's posh mates will demonstrate how to "wash" his profits.

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Idiot, annoying mother and circus runaway knife-throwing daughter (no wonder she ran away) combo are today's Red Team, they roll-up, roll-up with:
(Challenge: Domestic)
Scary looking treen Black Forest nut cracker (Challenge) 150, (80-120) tightarse, 50, he hardly works the room;
Chinese embroidered cuffs 100, (20-40) Scrooge estimates, 50, hands remain in pockets;
Fossilised (just for Charl-eh) stone plate 30, (20-40) maybe, 30, evens stevens, is Scruffy in a hurry?



Mad D1ckko's BB is a Squeaky style pair of vintage stepladders 10, skip value, Muttley thinks (10-20) profit all day long, let's see, 25, amazing, a profit in Malvern, well done D1ckko, a platinum gavel should be awarded to you.

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Aging Tom Hollander and his know-it-all 18 year old daughter, takes a break from his busy schedule and form the Blue Team, they use The Method to acquire:
(Challenge: Agricultural)
Early 20th Century Oak butter churn (Challenge) 165, (80-120) Ebeneezer estimates, 50, huge loss, even Scruffy calls his audience mean;
Base metal dog on marble 50, (15-20) Scrrooooooge, 30, another loss;
George V 1919 silver vesta case 50, (10-20), Steptoe's in, 35, wallets tightly shut, another loss, dreadful place.
Trilly's BB is silver, yup, 1920s butterfly wing silver brooch 20, (15-30), 20 evens stevens, what a bunch of skinflints.



Absolutely dreadful is the Malvern Misers Poke Palace. 1 small profit, 2 draws, and 5 losses including 2 whoppers. They should never use that Malvern doss house ever again.

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I'm still laughing about Scruffy Serrell's former PE teacher prowess. Hahahahaha. Hohohohohoho.

Final Hi-Kick is in the standard indoor setting, a bit lacklustre except for a superb head-kick from Blue Girl, whereas Tom Hollander is so late he almost misses the final cut. Wakey wakey Dad, it's a wrap.

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Both reds and blues have spent big on some items today. Big profits?


Oh no, it's Mr Tumble's Towering Temple of Tat for the auction. 3 figure losses incoming.

 

It's not even Halloween yet but guess who turns up on her antique broomstick looking like a demented Captain Sensible gone wrong, yes it's Anita McWitch Manning, she will be one of The Damned. She'll have to keep her distance from todays McWitchfinder Generals, Tubby Thomas Forrester nee Plant, the plump Vincent Price, and Screaming accuser Stephanie Connell , the Cockermouth Cumbrian, flying the flag for The 93% who say Burn Them, Burn Them All!!! Today's roasting on the stake is from Nottingham Racecourse with sacred arefacts and dead witch memorabilia being flogged in Sheffield's Skinflinting Auctione Inne by Chief Inquisitor John Morgan in his multicoloured Harlequin waistcoat. A Harlequin often acts to thwart the plans of his master, in this case auction profits. Is he the doyen of the South Yorkshire Steptoes?



The Distraction involves Dame Laura Knight paintings to which McWitch cackles insanely. There's one of an old gypsy woman but there's no lucky heather, no fortune telling, no caravan, no hoard of red diesel, or no death-trap fairground rides, so I doubt if it's authentic.

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Sci-Fi Brother nerds form the Red Team, Steph guides them to:
(Challenge: Human face)
Georgian silver spoon snatched out of Boris Johnson's mouth 48, (30-50) he says he's being conservative, it rockets to 65, nice profit;
Victorian family bible replete with faces (Challenge) 52, (20-40) might struggle, 65, another profit, GG?;
Optometry vision test kit with case 145, (40-60) oh dear, not optimistic, 80, big loss, not surprising.
Steph's BB is an Art Deco brass/bakelite shoe display stand 55, (30-50) hopeful, 45, small loss. Shame, should have done better at auction.



Dim, retired married couple spice up their marriage by becoming the Blue Team, they amusingly annoy Tubby Thomas while acquring:
(Challenge: Asia)
Leather bound musical illustrated photo album 57, (40-60), there's a chance, 75, nice profit;
Ming dynasty jewellery in its box (Challenge) 85, (30-50), he doesn't like it, 30, Yorkshire skin-in-like-flinting means a big loss;
Pair of walking canes 95, (40-60) oh dear, 65, another loss, welcome to up North.
Tubby's BB is an Indian jewelled silver turban pin 50, (40-60), has jewels missing, 30, another loss, yup, the Misers are here.



A quick note on the Auctioneer, he's a fast bidding gavel man but it's hard work getting the profits on the more expensive items from the YUM, Yorkshire Union of Misers.



Final Hi-Kick is a regular inside jobby, where Steph manages a decent height before it gets cut short by a very hasty edit. How was that allowed? Curse of McWitch? Boooo. Burn the witch!!!!

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Hahaha, Scruffy strikes again. The purest of pure tat. More later.

 

I don't know what sins Uncle Eric Knowles must've committed to be sent back to Pikeyborough at the Festival of Flytip. Perhaps he is too middle-class or too middle-of-the-road for the on-trend BBC hipsters who obviously consume the BH content like a plant-based mock cannibal burger. To oversee his penance we have Stephanie Connell, the Cockermouth Cumbrian, marching her banner for The 93%, go girl, and Philip Muttley Serrell, the Skip Skunk avec scarf de tat, who will feel right at home in PeeBoRough(Very), as he rummages the bins for bargains. Auctioneer is goggle-eyed playground peeper Mark Ashley at his grooming parlour in Bigwood, hopefully he hasn't. Watch out for somebody in marker pen yellow wanting to be noticed by the cameras, you might need to avert your eyes or put on your sunglasses.



The Distraction involves a collection of horseshoes. How Lucky. At Oakham Castle, even luckier, as you will be in the realm of the luverly Oakham Ales, Jeffrey Hudson Bitter, Inferno Bitter et al., gorgeous.



Married couple, he's a smarmy w(b)anker, they have expensive, fussy tastes, please lose, poor Steph, are the Red Team, they throw the money around like confetti to bring:
(Challenge: Royal connection)
Moorcroft Pomegranate bowl (Challenge) 240, eyewatering price, he's obviously enjoys risking other people's money, typical banker, (60-90) record loss incoming, would serve them right, 110, big, big loss, LOL, not to worry it's only somebody else's money;
Japanese telescope and case 8, (10-20), might scrape a profit, 20, a profit on some real tat;
Japanese Satsuma Vase 30, (20-40) a later poor piece, the fiddler is not impressed, 20, very sh1tty it was.



Steph's BB (22 quid budget) French Art Deco Mantel clock 10, a bargain Steph, (30-50) Purvy's shocked at the price paid, 50, excellent profit, spurs earned there.

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Stupid, idiotic Zombie sisters make up the Blue Team, they fritter their money away on:
(Challenge: Scandi)
Silver plated spirit travelling flask 75, (30-50) might struggle, 35, takes a hit, as was predicted, the idiot sisters hi-five, don't they realise it was a largish loss;
Cast iron boot scraper 25, (30-50) should be OK, 40, nice profit;
Danish chipboard based table (Challenge) 55, (20-30), who knows, 30, oops, not so good.
Scruffy's BB, I dread to think what it is, yup fears confirmed, 3 bits of Fairground board straight from the municipal bins, 120, LOL, oh dear, Haha, awful, they accept it, fools, (100-150), eyebrows raised, 80, big loss, Muttley strikes again. Utter sh1te.



B0ll0x, the Smug Reds win, thanks to Steph, the Blue idiot sisters lose, thanks to themselves and Muttley.

Final Hi-Kick is a conventional indoor step, everyone gets or is close to 90, at the same time, even the ScruffBall. The very definition of par.

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Steph is the only one coming out of today with any credit IMO. That clock was a great buy.

 

Yer, for a tenner too and then Muttley flogging that firewood straight from the bin. There needs to be an experts cup and wooden spoon for each season. Also, if they know they are going to a Miser's Poke Hole then they need to spend conservatively. Even Muttley calling his own audience mean on Tuesday was the turd atop the slag heap.

 

Yeah, they should abolish the big spend in malvern, Wales or Scotland

 

And at Pompey and Plymouth, home of the Anthony The Undead Eldred.

 

Another all new Bargain Hunt. Today, sultry enchantress Christina Trevanion is slumming it in Shrewsbury with binman Philip Muttley Serrell with his Slumdog chic collection and eco-hoarder, the mildly posh, Izzie Lizzie Barmy Balmer "helping" the contestants. At least if ScruffBall is performing as usher it means we won't be at his dreadful Pokehole for the Auction. Excellent, it's in Lichfield which means it'll be the Dalek aka Richard Winterton from the Skaro Salesroom barking out the bids. Internet only bidding, which can have an effect on profits, so let's see.



Urgh. Naff musical version of A Town Called Malice during the intro summary. Muzak at it's worst.

The Distraction involves Christina showing her skills with la pipe. She nimbly works it with her fingers, the pipemaker eyes glaze and his hat falls off. Afterwards, we are shuffling around a clay pipe museum. There are museums for absolutely anything and everything.



Red Team are married retired police officer and teacher, they tell each other off on the way to:
(Challenge: Motoring)
Engraved George VI silver cigarette case 75, (40-60), a chance, 70, great dalek voice bid barking here, but alas a loss;
Jaguar car mascot (Challenge) 30, (10-15) missing it's tail, whoops, 15 pounds, another loss;
20th century fold-up Ink well and letter rack 25, (20-30) should be a profit, 40, it is a profit.
Scruffy's BB is, I dread to think what will turn up after yesterday's supreme bit of tat, glass ice-cream penny licks, 15, (10-20) should be a profit all day long the Dalek opines, 35, a profit, I'm shocked. Scruffy has a stay of extermination.

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Blue Team civil partnership musical oldie ladies (Box ticked) mither and fuss towards:
(Challenge: Nautical)
Dutch silver and glass cruet boat (Challenge) 60, (20-30), Dalek is not keen, he will exterminate if possible, 50 notes, a loss;
Mid-Victorian William Collins silver scent bottle 75, (40-60) could be OK, 220, BINGO, huge profit;
Awful Anglo-Indian hardwood folding chair de tat 64, (40-60) Dalek doesn't like it, neither do I, 20, "the highs and lows of the auction world" opines the dalek, LOL.
Izzie Dripping's BB is bog oak Irish Stanhope dipping pen 50, (10-15) bejaysus, come and get me boys and girls estimate, 70, nice profit. Good work Izzie.

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Both teams in profit but the Blues romp home.



Final Hi-Kick is an indoor diagonal Covid special with reasonable height and execution. Even Muttley gets it up for once. Well he had a good day with his penny licks.

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Today it looks like Anita McWitch Manning is well and truly scaring the Nags at Newmarket, home of Newmarket sausages made from prime horse, yum, yum. Joining her on the production line are chief seasoner John Marine Boy Cameron and tying the bangers and herself into knots, Psychotronic Tartanistic Caroline Hawley. McWitch seems to have 2 laughs, a usual fake laugh but also a laugh similar to an 80 a day asthmatic, it sounds like she's going to break into a coughing fit but doesn't as she gasps for air. Auction is in Suffolk with auctioneer Geoffrey Barfoot. A new one for me, not alot to say about him at first glance. He's very understated, you learn more from what he doesn't say, which is not a bad thing. He's a good Auctioneer with a good patter. No BS on BH from him.



The Distraction involves celebrating all things horse racing. Reg lets out his biggest type of yawn. Equine veterinary instruments, another big yawn. Where's the veterinarian revolver?

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Very opinionated chinless wonder and fussy hubby make today's Red Team, they haughtily present:
Silver turtle brooch (evidently she swims with turtles) 24, (10-20) he thinks it'll struggle, it eventually squeaks a profit at 25;
Wooden ship's wheel 55, (30-40), hello are on for a new tightwad emporium, 32, a loss but well valued;
Battered pisspoor wooden firepit 90, (20-30) we know it's overpriced and we know it's sh1te, it extinguishes at 45, a bit of a loss but was severely crap.
Marine Boy's BB is a Turf Craft Bog Oak clock 15, (10-20) maybe, 22, nice profit. Well done MB.



Little and large married couple Blue Team, who are nicely understated and go about their business without a fanfare, I think they're alright, they very efficiently assemble:
4 wooden dolls chairs 15, (20-30) should be a profit, 30, profit;
Mother-of-pearl and silver trowel bookmark 60, (30-50) might struggle, 42, a loss;
Victorian silver cream jug 30, (40-60) he says good buy, 35, small profit.
Tartanelli's BB is a silver?, nope it's a late 19th Century walnut trinket box 100, (60-80) might be OK, but they reject, 100, it breaks even.



Reds make a small profit and are unlucky with the silver bookmark, while the Blues lose their money on a real piece of tat.



Final Hi-Kick is a regular outside jobby on some very uneven looking grass. Blue bloke does a good kick and Tartanastic Caroline almost shows us her growler. Thankfully, McWitch doesn't make much of an effort.

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Brand new BH live from Cheshire. Uncle Eric Knowles is having nightmares. Will Roy Hodgson end up managing his favourite footy team? Will Luton Town get promoted (probably not after today, LOL)? Will William Troost-Ekong be put in charge of his priceless glass collection with the expected consequences? He tosses and turns over the prospect of Charles Sh1te or Bust Hanson making a spectacular loss and he induces a cold sweat at the thought of Caroline Psychotronic Hawley wearing the latest from The Migraine collection, today's it's a real headache-inducing Blue suit for the shopping and then back to Tartan for the Auction. Nurse pass me my pills. The Auction is with Tom That's ma Boy Blackmore in Rickets Central, close to Stockport.

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The Distraction involves a visit to Cuckooland where Uncle Eric meets up with Scott Duxbury and Gino Pozzo. One of the Cuckoo clocks chimes DONG - Mogi - DONG - Mogi - DONG - Mogi and offers a list of potential players and managers that no one else wants. Eric cannot believe he's in such a madhouse and sacks himself before the football geniuses have the chance to pull the trigger.

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Speed walking van driving, Bolton dwelling, married couple Blue Team, stride with purpose to bring:
(Challenge: Precious or semi-precious stone)
1950s Scottish silver with orange stones brooch 28, (10-15) hopeful, 20, not so hopeful;
Silver and turquoise heart pendant (Challenge) 29, (10-20) another low estimate, 15, another loss;
1940s lady's bicycle 95, dreadful and hugely overpriced, (25-35) LOL, 65, yup another loss.
Tartan Tina's BB is silver/gold?, yup, 9ct gold with turquoise stone Edwardian bar brooch 45, (30-40) not too far off, 25, bit harsh. Quite unusual to get 4 losses on one team.



Young married couple Red Team, they probably haven't been together long enough for the nagging and bickering to dominate, serenely gravitate towards:
(Challenge: Trees, plants, or flowers)
Chester silver snuffbox (Challenge) 35, (30-50) good chance, 50, nice profit;
WWI telescope 240, big Hanson-encoraged gamble, (50-100) he thinks it might struggle but it has attracted interested, BOOM 320, big, big profit, superb, the GG is definitely on;
Silver and enamel medallion 18, (5-10) maybe not, 15, the GG slps through their fingers with a 3 squid loss. Unlucky.
Charlie's BB is part of a Stuart silver spoon 7, all the money he had, (30-50), 20, nice profit. Good work Charles.

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This was a very enjoyable episode, one of the Hanson-inspired gambles paid off and when you give him a small amount of money he really does show off his worth. Strange one for the Blues, apart from the semi-panic bike buy, the rest of the items were fine and should have done better, so they were a bit unlucky. The Reds, so close yet so far for the Golden Gavel, really unlucky after taking a huge risk, which paid off, with the telescope.

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Final Hi-Kick is a Covid indoor diagonal special. Good form from Hanson and Knowles, excellent height from Red Girl and Blue bloke.

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It's time for new old BH with today's chunk of Pawnshop porn, direct from the Yorkshire Event Hostess Club in Harrogate, Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp is serving the overpriced drinks on the unreadable menu with her two champagne-demanding escorts Philip Muttley Serrell, the Denizen of the Dump avec scarf de tat, you have to pay him not to take his clothes off, and Raj Dr Evil Bisram, who's full of Eastern promise (which is not kept, well not at the standard price anyway) as they drug and distract you while emptying your bank account. Star attraction of the show that never starts is Caroline Psychotronic Hawley, O'Boll-o-x, like a demented cross-dressing Brian Blessed she bellows out <insert number here> pouuuuunnnnddssss (Gavel THUMP). She is so crap. She loses more money than any of the ensnared tourists.



The Distraction concerns David Dayglo Harper about his addiction to antiques and how he ended up in this tawdry circus punting on the streets of Middlesbrough down Stockton's Yarm Road.

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Sanctimonious married couple who are retired priests Red Team (the colour of Satan), exorcise the demons on their way to:
6 Blow-torch lamp 6, (10-20) good chance, 10 pouuuunnnnnnds;
Model steam engine 75, (50-80) doomed with Hawley?, 65 pouuuunnnnnnds, yup a loss;
Late 18th Century Worcester tea bowl and saucer 65, (50-80) she will eat her hat if she can't sell it at that, 80 pouuuunnnnnnds thump, just sneaks a profit.
Scruffy's BB Silver sugar nips 25, (10-20) she's a bit sniffy, 35 pouuuunnnnnnds thump, Tatty profit for once. An overall profit for the Reds despite Tartantastic efforts.

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Angler friends, Blue Team, the younger of the two has an eye for genuine antique bargains, so the pressure is on, obtusely show us their acute stash of:
Sporting cap cheekily bought for 20, money all day long, (30-50) should be fine even with her, 70 pouuuunnnnnnds, good profit;
Wooden baby's bath 49, (40-60) is it Hawley proof?, 35 pouuuunnnnnnds, a Hawley inspoired loss;
Optometry kit 60, (80-120) let's see, 80 pouuuunnnnnnds, amazingly another profit on a strong item.
Raj's BB is a Cram Classic globe on a stand 30, (30-50), 55 pouuuunnnnnnds thump. Excellent work Raj. He does have a good eye for a Bargain.

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Once again if the items are good they will sell themself despite Hawley's hinderance. God she's dreadful as an Auctioneer.



Final Hi-Kick is a standard indoor job, rather hasty in execution, but that's down to Strict Natasha who is in far too much of a hurry to finish the programme so the kick is too rushed and a mess.

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Aha, today it's the stupid posh fool Charl-eh, the supercilious s0d according to someone I know, who's bumbling round a near empty indoor Grantham emporium in prime Tory land. Overpopulating the near hermit-like atmosphere are Nick Plaid All Over Hall, Keir Stamer's rent-a-celeb and Gary PeePee, Bonus Buyus Baffluss Strangus (often but not always). Auctioneer is Captain Nigel Kirk, a Rees-Moog clone who undervalues everything just like he would, at the Nottingham franchise of PennyPinchers. Beam me up Nanny?



The Distraction involves Colin Speedy Young talking about English furniture. Charlie fantasises about his bed, his eyes glaze over and he falls asleep while standing up. He has to be woken up when his snoring gets too loud during filming.

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Big fat Penfold and bottle of beer fantasist make the Red Team, they waddle to:
(Challenge: Lincolnshire connection)
Set of Art deco silver knives 24, (15-20), 25, a squid profit;
RAF compass (Challenge) 40, (20-30), 25, whoops;
Chinese enamelled vase 75, (25-35) it's new, oh dear Gary-inspired purchase, 60, oh
Garry's BB is a brass thimble in a case 40, (30-40), 35, oh dear another loss.



Same sex civil partner (Box Ticked) female Blue Team, speedily present:
(Challenge: Child)
Bronze mortar, not the weapon, 20, (20-40), 60, very nice profit, well done Plaidster;
Silver and jade pendant 40, (30-40), 40 evens stevens;
Child's Victorian mahogany rocking chair (Challenge) 80, (20-30), it's a converted chair but kind Charlie allows it, Strict Natasha would've clamped down hard on it, 35, biggish loss.



Plaidy's BB is the cute Teddy from earlier 10, (10-20) Nanny would approve, 20, a nice profit, Plaidy comes good.



Finale is a standard indoor Hi-Kick, well executed with decent height. Yes, YES!!

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Today, we're stuck indoors at the Malvern antiques and collectors fair with Uncle Eric Knowles with co-enterainers Raj Dr Evil Bisram, who does a bit of card conjuring today and Stephanie Connell, the Cockermouth Cumbrian, trailblazing on behalf of The 93%. Two good experts, so let's hope it's not at the Malvern Misers Hole Of Poke with Muttley Serrell. It isn't, it's in the Wessex Auction Rooms with Auctioneer Timpole Tudor Wunderbar Weeks, but Benny The Ball turns up a bit later.



The Distraction involves yet more BH navel gazing introspection, this time Uncle Eric finds Phillip Muttley Serrell in his abode, a large basket under a table. Famous for his scrarves de tat, he also went to school with Imran Khan, so not the local comp then, and has been slumming it ever since.

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Married couple interior designer and perma-tanned company director, I dislike them already, Red Team, find and loike:
(Challenge: Continental militaria)
Fire galvanised metal bucket 20, (20-30) should be OK, 32, nice profit;
1950s Milk Steriliser and bottles 15, (30-40) he really likes it, 32, another Raj inspired profit, GG incoming?
German WWI Zeiss binoculars and case (Challenge) 75, (30-50), 65, close but no cigar.
Raj's BB are a pair of silver topped scent bottles 80, (50-70) could be OK, 75, a small loss. Unlucky.

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Young, very annoying female best friends Blue Team, I quite like wood and and metal stuff, jump and screech towards:
(Challenge: Edwardian (err what is it?))
Edwardian silver sugar caster (Challenge) 60, (60-80) should be fine, 60, evens stevens;
Asian-carved wooden Crocodile 200, (100-150) a big gamble, 320, it pays off, big profit;
Steiff Chick 12, (20-30) easy, easy money, 38, nice profit.
Steph's BB are a set of porcelain medical vessels 15, (25-40), profit all day long, 36. Nice items Steph, well done.

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Not too bad an episode today. Both teams came within a whisker of a golden gavel. Both made profits but the screechy girls made a ton plus profit, and we got to see embarrassing photos of a young Muttley.

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Final Hi-Kick is outdoor on uneven grass. Red bloke hardly bothers, obviously the idiot thinks he's too good to do it. The two Blue girls show us how it's done with 2 head height kicks. Excellent stuff. Yes, YES!!

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Today, Brand New BH starts off with some pawn of the chess variety, omnifool Charl-eh Ross gets his Bishop out, and with it in his hand, takes a Queen on the table. On the mention of Knight, he yawns and prepares for a long slumber, his eyes glaze over and he's away off to a very posh land of nod. When he awakes he has a strange sense of deja-vu, as we're back at Southwell/Southall racecourse in Nottinghamshire again with the same set of experts Sarky Marky Stacey, the sleazy, slurry somnambulist, mentally doing something untoward and Stephanie Connell, the Cockermouth Cumbrian, poster girl for the regular comprehensive educated person (The 93%), c'mon Steph. The auction is with crumpled James Lewis, somewhere in Derbyshire, who looks like he's spent the night slumped on a mattress on a Crackhouse floor. PROFIT WARNING: Internet only bidding.



The Distraction involves a Mystery object, which I got instantly (feeling very smug). It's a letter/stamp moistener. Used to use them alot many moons ago.

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Squaddie cannon fodder friends into Swinging (Dean Martin variety) Red Team, run and duck to bring:
(Challenge: Army militaria)
Enamel water canteen (Challenge) 15, (20-30) should be a profit, 20, small profit;
Wooden waterfall bookcase 90, (30-50) over-restored, 100, just makes it;
Bing Crosby signed letter and sheet music 25, (20-30) should be a good profit, 70, Golden gavel for the woodentops.
Sarky's BB is an antique travelling trunk 50, (40-60) got a good chance, 55, squeaks a profit. Well done Sarky.

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Father and son RAF related Blue Team swoop to get:
(Challenge: RAF or Navy militaria)
Art Deco Spitfire ashtray (Challenge) 48, (20-30) might struggle, it stalls and crashes at 35;
Set of Scandi glass iceberg sculptures 155, (60-100) might not happen, 65, huge loss;
Georgian brass dog doorstop 50, (30-50) a bit on the top end, 55, a small woofing profit.
Steph's BB a pair of seals (paper/letter stamping variety) 47 (30-50), maybe, 40, a small loss. Unlucky.

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In this military themed special, the Red Army beats the Blue Air Force. Golden gavels for the Reds and Sarky too.




Final Hi-Kick is an outside diagonal Covid special on uneven grass. Is it well drilled? One of the Reds and one of the Blues need to be court-martialed.

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Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp is back in the Land of the Sweaties at the Highland Centre in Edinburgh, which, shudder, might mean one of those dreadful Scottish Auction Houses inhabited by that special breed of Tartan chewing moths. Helping her to get blood out of a stone will be Ben Cooper, one half of the Butlin Wham Tribute Act, Carlos Wispa and Timpole Tudor Wunderbar Weeks, who at least knows his toys. Auction will be in Rosewell Penny Pinchers Palace with Archmiser Gavin Tavendale. Standby for thrifty hijinx indeed. Remember folks, profits will be low on anything that can't be eaten, drank, smoked, injected, or hoovered up their nasal passage. Golden Gavels are a precious rarity.



The Distraction involves a visit to the Jupiter Artland sculpture park in Edinburgh. Is it out of this world? One of the pieces looks like a post-modern golf bunker and its home to modern art w@nkery from the usual suspects.



Father and son, thick-accented Glaswegians, are the Red Team, Father remembers his exact winnings at Cheltenham, every pound, they follow a penny down a rabbit hole to:
Vintage 60/70s telephone 25, (20) stingy, 25, evens stevens;
1970s football cards 50, (20-40) stingy again, back of the net, 55, squeaks a profit;
Tin-plate car 14, (5-10) LOL super stingy, no stereotypes here, LOL, 20, a profit, that shows him.



Beanpole's BB Jockey's cap pincushion 10, (20-40) absolute steal, 25, well done Spongehair.

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Mother and Son, who looks like a squinty-eyed ventriloquist's dummy with a cap on, jack of all trades, master of none and former Scottish TV presenter mum (obviously a shoe-in for the programme), Blue Team queue jump to:
Mantique leather cartridge belt 8, (15-25), 25 nice profit;
Arts and crafts tray 135, (30-60) no makers mark, well overspent LOL, 70, big loss, the misers rejoice.
Treen miniature roulette wheel 45, (30-50), 35 so a small loss.
Poundshop George Michael's BB is a Scottish silver amethyst and agate brooch 30, (20-30), 35 a fiver profit.



Scottish sales are so slow and painful. Prising the money out of a deadman's hand's vice-like grip.
Final Hi-Kick is a stand indoor one which is uncoordinated as Strict Natasha always jumps the gun, she should automatically DQ herself.

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If you have a hunger for BH, then let Uncle Eric Knowles lead you to Hungerford in Berks to prod and taste the morsels to be found in the town's antique centres. Heartburn or eyeburn may be the order of the day with experts Caroline Psychotronic Hawley wearing the latest from The Migraine collection with a real headache-inducing Magenta/Red Tartan for the shopping and then back to Blue Tartan for the Auction, and the Teeside Tat Trouserer, David Dayglo Harper. Nurse fetch my very strong pills. Hunger may be sated or your stomach left rumbling after eating something unsavoury with the auction in Newbury, which means that the table bashing will be taken by Tubby Thomas Plant nee Forrester, the plump schoolboy. Unfortunately, Newbury can be tightarse central, so both teams will have to work hard for their money.



The Distraction involves Uncle Eric and some illustrated Gibson plates. Most of this went in though one ear and out through the other.

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French daughter and Welsh mother-in-law Red Team marchons, oui marchons through the valleys to:
Wrought iron washstand 52, (40-60) it's got a chance, 15 from the Misers;
Silver cut-glass oval trinket box 20, (20-30), 22, squeaks a profit, not looking good;
Wrought iron Victorian umbrella stand 115, (60-80) probably overpaid, 45, dear oh dear, Scrooge is about.
Headache's BB is (Mother is absent for the Auction, no doubt due to the expert's eyesore outfit) a gaudy banded agate gilt metal bracelet, that combined with the oufit has brought on the flashing lights, 113, (80-120) TubbyLike, Steptoe likes it at 70 notes. Another stonking loss. Welcome to Newbury.



Toothy mother and hairdressing son Blue Team who beaver and gnaw their way to:
Chinese Laughing Buddha Dildo 30, (60-80) a steal, 35, just makes a profit;
Pair of Spelter Art Deco elephants 35, (60-80) good-o, 120, massive profit, good item, GG?;



Art Deco B&B Italia table 100, (50-100) hmmmmmm, 120, Bingo, Golden Gavel in tightwad Newbury of all places.
Dayglo Dave's BB is a contemporary glass plant on a stand 40, (20-30) come and get me estimate, 20, makes a loss. Not a bad item but nobody came in for it in Berks.



Final Hi-Kick is a standard indoor and it's not bad. Special mention in dispatches to Blue Mum as she really gives it some welly after her Golden Gavel.

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Chalk and cheese today between the two teams. First lot with a triple digit loss and the second with a golden gavel! Absolute contrast. Like watford vs Liverpool.

 

Can't wait to read Reg's diatribe about Caroline's awful performance with the gavel today. Cringeworthy auctioneering.

 

Incoming.

 

Bran' noo BH is compered by Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp in Harry Ramsden's manor, 'arrogate, North Yorks. She is joined by former cricketer/hockeyer sports mad D1ckko Madley not Madeley and the delightful not-booted this time (Boo, but they returned for the finale, Hooray) Roo Irvine. However, we are in the part of the world, which for this Series at least, means that the Auctioneeeeeeerrrrr will unfortunately be Caroline Migraine Hawley. With a combination of those headache inducing outfits and that demented Ian Paisley-style below of <insert number here> pouuuuunnnnddssss we can expect excess trauma on our metal health and excess trauma on those profits.

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The Distraction involves Rolling out the barrel. Coopertastic fun around a cooperage. Just like that. Strict Natasha goes round checking that they hold the required capacity otherwise her Red card will be out.

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Married hoteliers Basil and Sybil form the Red Team, they swarm majestically like Wildebeest towards:
(Challenge: Mechanism)
Doll's pram 15, (15-25), 15 pouuuuunnnnddssss, break even.
Europa cup table-top football game (Challenge) 35, (20-30), 25 pouuuuunnnnddssss, a loss;
Victorian French-style armchair 99, (80-120), 95 pouuuuunnnnddssss, another loss.
Mad Diccko's BB is a Whitefriars 1960s knobbly glass vase 20, (20-40), here we go again, 50 pouuuuunnnnddssss, the Yorkshire moths flutter in triumph, a profit with Hawley, about time. Well spotted D1ckko.



Married flat capped northern sterotype Blue Team, I don't like it, I don't like it blue OAP wails, poor Roo. She evenyually gets them to focus and buy:
(Challenge: Found on a dinner table)
Polka dot glass decanter (Challenge) 12, (20-30) cheap, cheap, cheap, 55 pouuuuunnnnddssss, a nice profit, it was a bit of a steal;
Collection of Trench art 95, (30-50) doomed, 40 pouuuuunnnnddssss, big loss, she doesn't sell it;
9ct Scottish thistle Gold brooch 95, (50-80), it'll struggle , 70 pouuuuunnnnddssss, another looooossssssss.
Roo's BB Irish silver 1964 moss agate brooch 20, (10-20) very low estimate, surely she couldn't balls this up, 55 pouuuuunnnnddssss, great profit for a really nice item. Good work from Roo as usual.

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Both experts did really well today. D1ckko and Roo should be added to the Faves List. That Blues woman was really, really annoying, the old ratbag. Headache Hawley is an OK expert, but her fashion sense and Auctioneering skills are both so bad that surely a stint presenting The Hive must be in the pipeline. Poxbury you know it makes sense.

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Final Hi-Kick is an outdoor Covid diagonal special. Poor Roo has to be well wrapped up. Excellent Hi-Kicking today from several people. Can-Can Gold medal awarded. Yes, YES!!

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State reopening of Parliament, the sewage treatment works pumping it's untreated effluent into the waters. Boris Johnson being that huge turd, a hazard to shipping in the North Sea, which ends up speeding along the river slowly killing off the freshwater wildlife as it progresses. This might overrun just as when Prince Paedo became a Royal walking stick during that memorial service. Ah good, it finishes on time so I don't have to watch the jug-eared idiot speak out of the corner of one's mouth .

It's Skidrow-on-sea, with it's pier and shingle beach to make it uncomfotable to sit, and the nudists to make it uncomfortable to view. Something very easy-on-the-eye is Brighton belle, Christina Trevanion, Queen of Sizzle, she's joined today by faux Prince Regent Sarky Marky Stacey, the sleazy, slurry somnambulist and posh Catherine Southon the Brighon dumbbell. Auctioneer is John Marine Boy Cameron in Nesbits Antiques Auction rooms aka Pompey Penny Pinchers Paradise. Warning, don't expect mega profits as Scrooge loves visiting Portsmouth. Oh dear Pompey, Pompey oh-dear.



The Distraction involves a musical interlude. Phonographs and gramophones. The old fella expert is Tim Weeks, crikey he's aged, either that or they do a fantastic job in the make-up department. He displays his large horn. Christina is impressed and admires it's sturdiness. Tim Weeks ages even further as steam emanates from his ears, his eyes glaze over and as he suffers a full cardiac arrest.

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Exes and now friends, yeah right, Red Team drive Sarky round the bend as they get:
(Challenge: Science)
Glass aventurine cloisonne jar and cover 49, (40-60), good chance, 35, a loss, welcome to Portsmouth Misers Club;
Victorian Bunsen burner (Challenge) 10, (15-20) should be ok, 15, just squeaks home;
1902 silver vesta case 120, (60-80), 120 breaks even, the Pompey moths flutter in celebration.
Sarky's BB is a set of Liberty's silver spoon set and box 80, (40-60) Steptoe awaits, 75, just falls short. Scrooge cackles at his newly acquired hoard.



Life long mates Blue Team obtain:
(Challenge: Seaside connection)
Royal Copenhagen Lobster dish (Challenge) 40, (40-60), 30, another loss, they are really tight here;
Brass dog collar for a brass Rev, 55, (50-80), 15, dreadful, big loss, Steptoe rules;
Victorian beech wood child's chair 105, (40-60) ouch, 48, ooofff, another negative biggie.



Posh Catherine's BB is an Austrian painted bronze terrier 50, (40-60), internet likes dogs, 40, yet another loss



Just one solitary item made a profit today and that was a fiver on a ten quid item. Pompey, what a skinflinting sh1th0le. Awful auction rooms. Everything undervalued because they knew the Misers Emporium would be in full swing. What a place. Poor Marine Boy, it must be very disheartening working there. Even El-Tel Vegetables bought a controlling interest in Pompey FC for the miserly amount of one whole pound. What a reputation to have.

Final Hi-Kick is in a standard indoor setting. Very uncordinated. Christina gets it up and down prematurely. Posh Catherine barely raises her foot but the others all latterly hit the mark.

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Blimey, Tim Weeks has aged!

 

Jacob Rees-Doom is the auctioneer today. Gonna be a massacre.

 

Rees-Moog clone is dreadful. Nanny, get those peasants out of my Auction Rooms.