Things you hate III

Seems to be some sort of lisp or regional intonation at play here.

 

Lisp is a very cruel word.

 

Cyclists.
1/ They follow a sport that is dominated by the drug-fuelled
2/ They cause me to frequently drive at 10-15mph round small country lanes when I could comfortably travel at 60mph between speed cameras.
3/ It's a weak excuse for old men to wear, and think they look good in, brightly coloured tight lycra.

 

Corrected for you.

 

and not forgetting the flashing,retina burning lights some of the idiots use

 

It's not just small country lanes. I regularly drive along single lane (one each way) out-of-town roads with fairly heavy traffic where the speed of that traffic is hugely curtailed by a single cyclist. This is because there is not room for cars to overtake in the face of oncoming traffic and each one has to wait a long time for a gap. The knock-on effect of this is a long tailback. I have some sympathy for cyclists in that they are generally not well provided for in this country, but the hold-ups they can cause to the flow of traffic is disproportionate to their numbers.

 

Dyslexia is worse. Why make it so hard to spell? That's just taking the piss.

 

As a commuting cyclist (no, I don't wear lycra!) I have sympathy with those who patiently wait for a proper gap to pass with enough room between us. However it's often those who just follow them in overtaking and don't leave enough space between us and/or cut in front to avoid oncoming traffic that anger me. I may have to pull out to avoid a pothole, drain cover or, like last week, a dead badger. You only have to see the lack of spatial awareness in some drivers when they park in Tescos to know some haven't got a clue! A couple of weeks ago I was overtaken by a farm vehicle, 5ft wheels less than a foot away from me. I caught up with him (there was a 'queue') and called him a selfish, dangerous ****. He didn't seem bothered. As for the lights, mine are strong so I can be seen but the front one is dipped. I've seen some full beam cycle lights and yes, they are dangerous to other road users.

It is true some cyclists are tw@ts but some car drivers are as well!

 

Man flu

 

My colleague has suddenly become a 53 -year old Lycra-clad weekend cyclist. He’s never done any sports previously but now he portrays himself as THE expert on cycling as talks about it at every opportunity.

The conversations he has with another old boy hobby cyclist are so dull that I have to walk away. Discussing which cog to use on which hill, showing the mapping app, his heart rate, speed, climbs etc. Tyre sizes.

Hoy, froome, they can generate 750watts of power within three turns and wheel spin a track bike. They can get off the mark quicker than an F1 car. Yawn!

He patronises the old boy by giving ‘encouragement’ when really he’s showing off that he’s 6 years younger and finds some stuff easier.

He’s just started an spin class and guess what? He goes on about his heart rates at different points, like I’m fcking interested! Bore off!

 

God knows what it’s like when you get more than 3 or 4 of them at one table.

A boredom of cyclists.

 

That's always grated on me as well. Why not call it FOB, (fat old bast*rds).

 

Sounds like my sister in law and her husband - them and their mates are total cycling bores. On the odd occasion I can't swerve out of going up there and we go to the pub, it's all incredibly dull chat about hills, speeds and subtle bragging about how much they've spent on their 2 wheeled Bradley Wiggins wet dream.

They had a phase when they were into football and had season tickets at Derby when they were in the Premier League under Jim Smith - face paint, big foam hands etc. were the order of the day. Now football is nothing more than an oaf's past time to them. They constantly pressure my nephew into doing loads of cycling at weekends. He has recently joined a football team, but is only allowed to go to training as they aren't sure they want to "lose their weekends" to it if he plays Sundays.

I don't know if it's a theme with cycling bores or just my in laws, but they all seem to have weak senses of humour that never verge on the controversial or obscene. Everything is so, nicey nice and dull. Middle class, middle age at its worst.

 

It's your in laws. Face paint and big foam hands for adults is a massive give away.

 

Corrected for you

 

Football won’t encroach on the weekend more than a 100 mile ride that’ll take 5/6 hours.

Tell them not to be so selfish, they’ve had their youth. It’s their child’s turn!

 

It’s not hard to spell if you’re dsylxic.

 

I did a spin class once when I joined the gym up here.

Never went back.

 

Spin is actually a brand/trade name. If you have a studio but no license you have to name it "group cycle class" or something similar, but not a spin studio or a spin class.

Yawn.

 

Corporate Christmas Greetings; What is the point?

Merry Christmas from all of us here at Robsons Estate Agents, Carlisle Branch, says the caption to a bunch of awful looking troglodytes in novelty jumpers and santa hats, wearing plastered on grimaces, as Carol from Marketing gets the right setting on the Nikon Camera for the group photo.

It holds no value, no use to me and is completely disingenuous. Just stop it. Let your client/prospects/partners/contacts have a happy Christmas. The message from you has no bearing on it.

 

However large boxes of Hotel Chocolat are very worthwhile and score highly in my choice of supplier. Mrs TuT doesn't need to know where the box came from. The issue is just keeping it's existence from "the women in the office"......

 

Oi

 

On the same note, company calendars. I work in international logistics and I now have a calendar from pretty much all the airlines at Heathrow. Absolutely non of them have decent pictures in them, (I don't mean topless women), funny cartoons, top 12 photographs of the year, anything like that. The one I'm looking at currently has a picture of an engine for Jan. What is the point in calendars now? I have one on Outlook which is linked to my phone, I don't need 10 more on my desk

 

Barber shops. I don't want a chat, I want a haircut. Concentrate on the job in hand and stop asking me what I'm doing this weekend or have I been on holiday. You don't care and neither do I. If you just get on with cutting my hair maybe I wouldn't have to wait for over an hour on a Saturday morning

 

Piers Morgan

 

In a similar vein, why do checkout operators now feel the need to strike up a conversation these days ? "Are you doing much at the weekend ?" "None of your ****ing business !". It's clearly a management instruction as the question is awkwardly delivered by a terrified school kid who couldn't give a damn what I'm doing. It's so tempting to try to get into a 15 minute conversation about Tring museum exhibits at the crowded checkout just for a laugh.

 

Why are they thanking you for 2018? It's not like it would have jumped from 2017 to 2019 without your involvement.

 

I think it would be impossible to get tired of punching his face.

 

I do remember being at a "Conservation of Cultural Heritage" conference where a very senior member of the Natural History Museum management committee ("owners" of Tring) wished the entire place burned down as the cost of conserving (aka "looking after") the massive collection of the Victorian stuffed animal was extortionate: "...I'd like to stick to fossils as they only need dusting...".

 

OK, last one now.