AFC Bournemouth 0-3 Watford FC - 12/01/2020

Discussion in 'Match Day' started by CleyHorn, Jan 2, 2020.

  1. CleyHorn

    CleyHorn Reservist

    And here it is folks. Yet another in the series of 'must win six pointers' but this time with the added twist of us being firmly in the ascendancy following the introduction of the 'Pearson effect' and them being in free-fall with 'Saint Eddie' showing no signs as of yet of providing a parachute. As evinced by our magnificent rearguard action as Pearson yet again fights off a pack of angry canines and they bow meekly to the tune of 4-0 against a previously unimpressive team of blacksmiths.

    Muff itself is a rather unimpressive south coast resort firmly in thrall to Seagull land to the east when it comes to top-dog, bohemian seaside place having a population to rival Eastbourne for decrepitness (although there are actually quite a lot of students too). Immediately to the west is the Jurassic Coast World Heritage Site famous for 'a load of old fossils' which begs the question of why the designation hasn't been extended to Muff itself given the demographic. The rumours that local 'Spoons outlets are customised by creatures that date back to the Carboniferous have a ring of truth about them and the Vitality Stadium might better be termed the Zimmer Frame Stadium.

    'Saint Eddie' is an interesting character showing both loyalty and betrayal in equal measure. The latter towards us. Born in Amersham on 29 Nov. 1977 he initially supported the mighty 'Orns as a nipper but then had some sort of weird Damascene conversion during the 1984 Cup Final when he decided he liked blue better than yellow and developed a fetish for Andy 'all elbows' Gray and Toffees. He's also obviously been separated from Alan Tracy of Thunderbirds 4 fame at birth though so was also born more than a decade previously on a fantasy volcanic island. This goes a long way to explaining his early press conference outings which largely consisted of random and inappropriate soundbites such as "F.A.B.", "Yes Mr Tracy" and "I've just shagged TinTin" but he's improved markedly in that respect recently and is now one of the more lucid contributors.

    On the loyalty front it's all Muff. His decade in charge at the Vitality/Zimmer Frame is responsible for bringing his team right through the ranks of the EFL to enjoy at least five unbroken seasons in the Prem. (just like us) and was only broken by a 21 month hiatus in a northern mill town so run down and ravaged by austerity that children there refuse to be born on the grounds that they'll be eaten as soon as they are. Well that didn't seem right to our Eddie and the Mrs so he legged it back down south p.d.q.

    On the playing side he was 'Mr Muff' too playing 270 times for them in two spells again interspersed with a trip along the coast to Pompey where he suffered surely the unique calamity of doing the same knee in twice in the opening fixture two seasons running. At least his protege Callum 'reverse pike, three somersaults, two and a half twists' Wilson had the decency to do both knees.

    In recent years a rivalry (albeit a bit of a handbags one) has developed between our two clubs largely on the grounds of Muff and Howe being feted by the media for managerial consistency and playing attractive football with homegrown talent (all true) whereas we were cast as serial hoofers and cloggers (not true) from foreign parts with a head-coach revolving door policy (true). In addition, the events of 2 May 2015 are seminal to the rivalry when the mighty 'Orns were in pole position for the Championship as added-on time loomed only for a local voodoo practitioner who had been slipped a bung from Howe to run on at the Vic. to spook Gomes and allow Muff to pip us.

    Howe is of course part of a double-act with Jason Tindall in a classic good cop/bad cop routine following on from Taylor/Clough (but it would appear not including Shakespeare/Pearson in those roles). Tindall's principal responsibilities would appear to be having stuck pins in a representation of a tall, bandaged, bald Brazilian in late April 2015 and now threatening to set fire to fourth officials at every opportunity.

    Eddie is such a local hero that he was awarded the 'freedom of Muff' on 5 March last year but his halo is currently slipping a bit and his ongoing contribution at the club is now being questioned by a Howe Out thread on his own forum.

    Another integral character in the 'Muff success story' is owner Maxim Demin. A somewhat shady and reclusive Russian, but really rated by Eddie, he operates mainly out of Switzerland. I wonder why? Apparently he's 'something big in petro-chemicals' which those of a Cuban persuasion might cast as 'having nicked a load of natural resources off the Siberian peasantry, leaving them without a crust of bread or two roubles to rub between them and now hanging out in a tax-haven to avoid paying anything back'.

    He also has a little 'pied-a-terre' in sunny Sandbanks which apparently has the fifth highest 'real estate' values on the planet. It's quite nice but c'mon!

    It's a peninsula in Mufftown which sticks out into Poole Harbour towards Brownsea Island, home to Red Squirrels and the first Scout camp in 1907. Demin's little pad cost him £5m and he then had it demolished and built another one for a further £5m. What an utter waste of resources. Other football luminaries living on the peninsula include 'Arry brown envelope (the 'wooden looking' house a couple of doors up from the Brownsea quay), his offspring Mr Louise Nurding (ex), Graeme, 'I'm well 'ard pal', Souness and Tony 'let's have ten men behind the ball boyos' Pulis.

    Muff train principally at the Dolphin Leisure Centre in aptly named Poole just up the road. Sporting a main, teaching and diving pool it's ideal for their nefarious purposes. Their outdoor facility also doubles as the Muff pier. At the beginning of the close season the plucky Muffters are issued with tide tables and enjoy a crash one-day seminar in their use and the distinctions between spring/neap and BST/GMT. They are then encouraged to go diving off the end of the pier at appropriate times when the tide's in in events advertised as Muff Diving On The Pier - All Welcome. These events are notorious for attracting hordes of semi-pubescent, spotty, callow yoofs who have unfortunately misinterpreted the exact nature of the said event.

    When Tyrone Mings popped back last summer and thought he could use 2018 tide timetables and was anyway all confused around spring/neap and BST/GMT, his error unfortunately led to an unfortunate incident which saw him dive off the end of the pier when the tide was out. Health and Safety legislation immediately cut in and Mings was dispatched forthwith on a permanent basis to a land-locked west midlands city before he could do himself further injury.

    Currently on the Muff playing staff, in addition to the aforementioned 'reverse, double tuck Wilson', we have the diminutive granite city hobbit, Ryan 'Bag End' Fraser scooting up and down the touchlines and who wears boots a size bigger than expected on account of his hairy feet plus the famous Dutch bog-brush, Nathan 'the one that got away from the 'Orns' Ake and Steve Cook who has been around the place since at least the Jurassic. I'm not sure how many of those will start or even feature at all this time. Some of them at least haven't been recently.

    As to the match itself I see no reason for the Pearson resurgence and the Saint Eddie decline not to be expected to continue.

    Muff 0 'Orns 2

    *posted early again as I might have been struggling next week

    * this o.p. would have benefitted from some illustrations but, try as I might, that's just not working from my smartphone. Is there any way mods that that process could be made any easier for us 'phones only' users?
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2020
  2. BusheyOrn

    BusheyOrn Reservist

    Posted early in the hope of achieving a new record for the number of pages on a match thread!
  3. The undeniable truth

    The undeniable truth Squad Player

    Can the Pearson "3-win home revival" transfer to away games (they were poor and lucky for what was a decent result at the Blades) ?
    Can we end our habit of giving poor teams in awful runs an instant return to form ?
    Can we keep 11 players on the pitch at "he looked at him in a threatening way so he had a right to go over" Muff ?
    Must win game.
    Muff 2 (2 pens) WFC (9 man) 0
    Chumlax likes this.
  4. LondonOrn

    LondonOrn Reservist

    Man City and second half at Southampton apart, we've been OK in away games performance or result-wise (if rarely both), and that was largely during the shambles of the tail end of Gracia's reign and the whole of Flores' return. I wouldn't read too much into the Sheff U game given we played the whole of the second half without Sarr and we won't play against that high tempo direct style at this level very often (like Burnley but with more quality).

    Bournemouth presents a different challenge from all of our previous games under Pearson, including even the Villa one, and that's what makes this battle so intriguing, with no two opponents the same so far - different quality, tactics, approach etc with the element of unpredictability that is part and parcel of the fun of football (unless Flores is manager). If we stay up, the end of the season DVD if the last four home games are any indication will be fun viewing and somewhat less nail-biting!
    SkylaRose likes this.
  5. CleyHorn

    CleyHorn Reservist

    That may happen. But it's not the motivation. You might find my 'circumstances' next week surprising!
    BusheyOrn likes this.
  6. Alan Tracy was generally Thunderbird 3 (although he did stints swapping with John in T-bird 5 (the space station)). Gordon was the T-Bird 4 sub-aqua pilot. Bonus points if you can say why Scott, Virgil, Alan, Gordon and John were so-named!
  7. CleyHorn

    CleyHorn Reservist

    Well I never. How the memory plays tricks! No idea as to your question although I've a feeling you've asked it before.
  8. Hornet4ever

    Hornet4ever WFC Forums Last Man Standing Winner 2018/2019

    You must have been up all night writing up your research for this.

    You are a credit to this asylum.
  9. [​IMG]
  10. CleyHorn

    CleyHorn Reservist

    Ta but nope. Three hours this afternoon.
  11. CleyHorn

    CleyHorn Reservist

    I can see that. Wally and Deke Tracy wouldn't have had the necessary je ne sais quoi.
  12. lowerrous

    lowerrous Squad Player

    Can someone post the stats of our defensive record with and without Kabasele? Him missing will be a huge concern.

    I don't want to see Dawson having to play, even if it means putting Mariappa back in at CB. Muff still have the pace up front to trouble lethargic defenders.
  13. Lloyd

    Lloyd Reservist

    If we do manage to stay up and Bournemouth and Burnley slip through the trap door with Norwich, will the gormless pundits finally shut up about the importance of managerial 'stability' at a football club?
    2-0 to the Hornets. Jao Pedro follows his 4 goal debut against Tranmere with a quick-fire brace after coming on as a sub for Deeney in the 82nd minute
  14. Bonkingbob

    Bonkingbob First Year Pro

    Great write up but I feel I have to point out a small omission.

    You are spot on that the majority of their training is indeed in the Dolphin Centre, but don't forget the theatrics training at the adjacent Lighthouse. Working in Poole I see them being chaparoned over the pedestrian crossing by people in high-vis jackets almost daily.
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2020
    CleyHorn and wimbornet like this.
  15. You're going up on SpaceX Falcon 9 aren't you!!!
  16. Hornet4ever

    Hornet4ever WFC Forums Last Man Standing Winner 2018/2019

    They are going to be well up for this & it is by no means a forgone conclusion.

    Mufters 0 Watford 4. (Deeney 7, Sarr 22, Del 64, Bob 90+1)
  17. Vicarage Road

    Vicarage Road Reservist

    UP THE ******* WATFORD!!
  18. CleyHorn

    CleyHorn Reservist

    Much more mundane I'm afraid. But even if you guessed correctly I'm afraid I couldn't tell you. Apologies. I'm not necessarily out of commission next week but might be so got the o.p. in early.
  19. LondonOrn

    LondonOrn Reservist

    Do you actually know KelsoOrn in real life? Your posts are similar in style but yours are more humorous. I haven't seen him on here for a while, but he was "away" for a long time before and then returned.
  20. The undeniable truth

    The undeniable truth Squad Player

    Comedy gold.
  21. PotGuy

    PotGuy Forum Fetishist

    Muff have lost all of their pace to injury.

    Lump balls into the channel for Sarr to chase warnock-style, they will never catch him
  22. onion8837

    onion8837 Reservist

    I dont like the inference that their owner is in any way dodgy or a money laundering business man. They are everybody’s favourite small time club punching above their weight. Love them so much. And they are not at all dodgy. At all.
    CleyHorn likes this.
  23. Sort of OK

    Sort of OK First Year Pro

    OK, so my guesses are:

    a) prison, court appearance or probation hearing imminent (fits with the mobile phone only)?
    b) you've got a job and are unsure of how much overtime may be available, or hours probably with this gig economy?
    c) less exciting but jury duty, could pull a monster case and be holed up in a Travelodge for a month.
    d) Whetherspoons mystery shopper for the week, can't tell anyone as it would give the game away.

    Anything close?
    HappyHornet24 likes this.
  24. Cassetti's Beard

    Cassetti's Beard First Team

    Another easy win, getting a bit boring now, can anyone challenge the mighty Watford these days? Anything less than a 3-0 win would be embarrassing for us.

    Sarr hatrick and a 5-0 win with Howe getting the chop shortly after.
    Hornet4ever likes this.
  25. Supertommymooney

    Supertommymooney Reservist

    Better pick Prodl then!
  26. CleyHorn

    CleyHorn Reservist

    Thanks for the compliment. We are one and the same. I'm surprised you thought Kelso was less humourous. He was certainly pissed more often though.
    Hornet4ever likes this.
  27. CleyHorn

    CleyHorn Reservist

    Much closer than outer space but none correct. Although I would say that of course.
  28. Sort of OK

    Sort of OK First Year Pro

    In true Hornet spirit, I'll go again:

    e) representing GB in the world chalk cube throwing championships in Latvia.
    f) looking for a new home after aggressive behaviour towards your flatmate.
    g) part of the 4 man Hertfordshire team at the UK grammar bee in Blackpool.
    h) undercover vigilante mission to take out/bring to justice the 4 Wolves animals who misbehaved in the shop on your patch.
    i) give M my regards and let him know I need a new nib for my fountain pen (he'll know what I mean).
    HappyHornet24 likes this.
  29. LondonOrn

    LondonOrn Reservist

    So you've come back as someone based in a different part of the UK and three years younger?
  30. Us on flying form. Them going backwards and on awful form.

    All the hallmarks of a Bournemouth win then!
  31. miked2006

    miked2006 Premiership Prediction League Proprietor

    We can’t help getting dodgy red cards.

    They’re systematically trained into the ground by Howe to dive at every opportunity.

    We all know what’s going to happen.
    Chiswell likes this.
  32. CleyHorn

    CleyHorn Reservist

    I am now in a different part of the UK. Wotfod. Yep, I changed my birthdate so as not to be too readily identifiable as Kelso in the first instance before I was ready to admit to the subterfuge. The correct date is 25/6/53. If the mods wish to amend it now that's fine. I can't. B.t.w., I don't have multiple persona. Kelso is an historical artefact.
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2020
  33. Jumbolina

    Jumbolina First Team

    Are you the bloke announcing the scores in the BDO darts next week?
  34. CleyHorn

    CleyHorn Reservist

    Again closer. I will pass on the message to M if I've guessed correctly who we're talking about. Not entirely sure who you are (yet) though.
  35. CleyHorn

    CleyHorn Reservist

    Got it.
    Jumbolina likes this.

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