And here it is folks. Yet another in the series of 'must win six pointers' but this time with the added twist of us being firmly in the ascendancy following the introduction of the 'Pearson effect' and them being in free-fall with 'Saint Eddie' showing no signs as of yet of providing a parachute. As evinced by our magnificent rearguard action as Pearson yet again fights off a pack of angry canines and they bow meekly to the tune of 4-0 against a previously unimpressive team of blacksmiths. Muff itself is a rather unimpressive south coast resort firmly in thrall to Seagull land to the east when it comes to top-dog, bohemian seaside place having a population to rival Eastbourne for decrepitness (although there are actually quite a lot of students too). Immediately to the west is the Jurassic Coast World Heritage Site famous for 'a load of old fossils' which begs the question of why the designation hasn't been extended to Muff itself given the demographic. The rumours that local 'Spoons outlets are customised by creatures that date back to the Carboniferous have a ring of truth about them and the Vitality Stadium might better be termed the Zimmer Frame Stadium. 'Saint Eddie' is an interesting character showing both loyalty and betrayal in equal measure. The latter towards us. Born in Amersham on 29 Nov. 1977 he initially supported the mighty 'Orns as a nipper but then had some sort of weird Damascene conversion during the 1984 Cup Final when he decided he liked blue better than yellow and developed a fetish for Andy 'all elbows' Gray and Toffees. He's also obviously been separated from Alan Tracy of Thunderbirds 4 fame at birth though so was also born more than a decade previously on a fantasy volcanic island. This goes a long way to explaining his early press conference outings which largely consisted of random and inappropriate soundbites such as "F.A.B.", "Yes Mr Tracy" and "I've just shagged TinTin" but he's improved markedly in that respect recently and is now one of the more lucid contributors. On the loyalty front it's all Muff. His decade in charge at the Vitality/Zimmer Frame is responsible for bringing his team right through the ranks of the EFL to enjoy at least five unbroken seasons in the Prem. (just like us) and was only broken by a 21 month hiatus in a northern mill town so run down and ravaged by austerity that children there refuse to be born on the grounds that they'll be eaten as soon as they are. Well that didn't seem right to our Eddie and the Mrs so he legged it back down south p.d.q. On the playing side he was 'Mr Muff' too playing 270 times for them in two spells again interspersed with a trip along the coast to Pompey where he suffered surely the unique calamity of doing the same knee in twice in the opening fixture two seasons running. At least his protege Callum 'reverse pike, three somersaults, two and a half twists' Wilson had the decency to do both knees. In recent years a rivalry (albeit a bit of a handbags one) has developed between our two clubs largely on the grounds of Muff and Howe being feted by the media for managerial consistency and playing attractive football with homegrown talent (all true) whereas we were cast as serial hoofers and cloggers (not true) from foreign parts with a head-coach revolving door policy (true). In addition, the events of 2 May 2015 are seminal to the rivalry when the mighty 'Orns were in pole position for the Championship as added-on time loomed only for a local voodoo practitioner who had been slipped a bung from Howe to run on at the Vic. to spook Gomes and allow Muff to pip us. Howe is of course part of a double-act with Jason Tindall in a classic good cop/bad cop routine following on from Taylor/Clough (but it would appear not including Shakespeare/Pearson in those roles). Tindall's principal responsibilities would appear to be having stuck pins in a representation of a tall, bandaged, bald Brazilian in late April 2015 and now threatening to set fire to fourth officials at every opportunity. Eddie is such a local hero that he was awarded the 'freedom of Muff' on 5 March last year but his halo is currently slipping a bit and his ongoing contribution at the club is now being questioned by a Howe Out thread on his own forum. Another integral character in the 'Muff success story' is owner Maxim Demin. A somewhat shady and reclusive Russian, but really rated by Eddie, he operates mainly out of Switzerland. I wonder why? Apparently he's 'something big in petro-chemicals' which those of a Cuban persuasion might cast as 'having nicked a load of natural resources off the Siberian peasantry, leaving them without a crust of bread or two roubles to rub between them and now hanging out in a tax-haven to avoid paying anything back'. He also has a little 'pied-a-terre' in sunny Sandbanks which apparently has the fifth highest 'real estate' values on the planet. It's quite nice but c'mon! It's a peninsula in Mufftown which sticks out into Poole Harbour towards Brownsea Island, home to Red Squirrels and the first Scout camp in 1907. Demin's little pad cost him £5m and he then had it demolished and built another one for a further £5m. What an utter waste of resources. Other football luminaries living on the peninsula include 'Arry brown envelope (the 'wooden looking' house a couple of doors up from the Brownsea quay), his offspring Mr Louise Nurding (ex), Graeme, 'I'm well 'ard pal', Souness and Tony 'let's have ten men behind the ball boyos' Pulis. Muff train principally at the Dolphin Leisure Centre in aptly named Poole just up the road. Sporting a main, teaching and diving pool it's ideal for their nefarious purposes. Their outdoor facility also doubles as the Muff pier. At the beginning of the close season the plucky Muffters are issued with tide tables and enjoy a crash one-day seminar in their use and the distinctions between spring/neap and BST/GMT. They are then encouraged to go diving off the end of the pier at appropriate times when the tide's in in events advertised as Muff Diving On The Pier - All Welcome. These events are notorious for attracting hordes of semi-pubescent, spotty, callow yoofs who have unfortunately misinterpreted the exact nature of the said event. When Tyrone Mings popped back last summer and thought he could use 2018 tide timetables and was anyway all confused around spring/neap and BST/GMT, his error unfortunately led to an unfortunate incident which saw him dive off the end of the pier when the tide was out. Health and Safety legislation immediately cut in and Mings was dispatched forthwith on a permanent basis to a land-locked west midlands city before he could do himself further injury. Currently on the Muff playing staff, in addition to the aforementioned 'reverse, double tuck Wilson', we have the diminutive granite city hobbit, Ryan 'Bag End' Fraser scooting up and down the touchlines and who wears boots a size bigger than expected on account of his hairy feet plus the famous Dutch bog-brush, Nathan 'the one that got away from the 'Orns' Ake and Steve Cook who has been around the place since at least the Jurassic. I'm not sure how many of those will start or even feature at all this time. Some of them at least haven't been recently. As to the match itself I see no reason for the Pearson resurgence and the Saint Eddie decline not to be expected to continue. Muff 0 'Orns 2 *posted early again as I might have been struggling next week * this o.p. would have benefitted from some illustrations but, try as I might, that's just not working from my smartphone. Is there any way mods that that process could be made any easier for us 'phones only' users?